All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


2 Comments

Day 08: Three turn ons

After yesterday’s turn offs, the eighth day in the 10 Day Blogging Challenge asks for three turn ons.

dungarees

3. Dungarees

1. Being your authentic self

Over the years I’ve met many people who feel compelled to portray themselves as something they are not. They indulge in numerous mind games, lay claim to passions they do not have and pretend they are someone else entirely, all to gain acceptance from others. But what these people have yet to figure out is that there is nothing more beautiful than allowing your authentic self to shine; inclusive of any faults, flaws and idiosyncracies.

2. The Scottish Accent

Forget your Italian, Irish, Spanish or Flemish, there is no accent in the world more intoxicating, more powerful, more loin stirring than the Scottish accent.

3. Dungarees

I’ve never been able to work out why or when my fascination with dungarees began, but for as long as I can remember I’ve held the humble denim dungaree (or overall) in the highest possible regard. So much so that when I toured across Canada in 2000 I kept a count of every dungaree I saw in the back of my journal. After three months it was into the triple figures, making it unequivocably the dungaree capital of the world!


5 Comments

Day 07: Four turn offs

The seventh day of the 10 Day Blogging Challenge asks for four turn offs.

selfish

1. Selfishness

There is nothing more annoying to me than a selfish individual. No one person on the planet is more important than any other, so people who act as if they are the soul and centre of the universe turn me off faster than you can hit standby on a television remote.

2. Unfaithfulness

Having been in relationships with two individuals who thought it was okay to cheat on me, I can vouch for how painful and destructive this kind of betrayal can be. Never again will I allow myself to be treated in this manner.

3. Non-existent pubic hair

I understand that there may be some hygienic value in shaving one’s pubic hair, but my personal preference is to sleep with someone who looks like an adult, not a pre-pubescent school-girl.

4. Lingerie

I’ve never been a huge fan of lingerie. Although I can understand the appeal of large volumes of naked flesh, I’ve always been far more attracted to the sexiness of a clothed woman, which is why I’m probably more drawn to classic Hollywood than I am the starlets of today. There’s just something intrinsically glorious about having to peel and reveal layers of clothing instead of having it just sitting in front of you. Which is probably why I hold flannelette PJs in such high regard.


2 Comments

Day 04: Seven things that cross my mind…a lot!

Four days in and I’m still blogging on a daily basis…woohoo!
Today’s prompt asks for seven things that cross my mind, a lot!

homelessness

4. Why don’t people do more to help the homeless?

1. Top of the list would have to be my abusive relationship. I know it’s not healthy reliving the events of that turbulent time, but the flashbacks come so frequently, so fervently, that I have little control over when and how this period crosses my mind.

When I’m not reliving the events in crystal clear HD, I’m ruminating on the whys and wherefores of the time; why did it happen? Why did she target me? Why did my friends not intervene? What did I do to deserve it?

I know I’ll never have the answers to these questions, and I know there is little other people can do to stop the constant flood of memories and emotions this trauma creates, but hopefully I will one day find a way to manage and control the damage the abuse caused. It has, after all, been seven years since the abuse was occurring…which is far too long a period to be lost to such a manipulative, sociopathic creature.

2. Given that it’s been nearly five years since I last saw them, my family cross my mind frequently. Granted, I try to catch up with them as often as possible (usually a phone call every few weeks) but as I’ve never met my niece and nephew, being able to catch up with them in person would be almost like a dream come true. Especially as my niece has recently begun taking her first tentative steps! :)

3. Without wanting to sound crass, women’s bottoms (and other parts) cross my mind a lot. After all, I am a man, and even though I don’t think of sex every six seconds, it has been over fiver years since I got the chance to caress, massage, squeeze, kiss or playfully spank a woman’s bottom. And I miss it! In fact, an end to my unchosen celibacy would probably do me (and my anxieties) the world of good!

4. Why don’t people do more to help the homeless? This is a question that I’ve asked myself so many times over the last few years. On any given day, there are over 100,000 homeless people in Australia, and many millions more around the world. Yet governments persist in doing nothing to help these individuals. When the wait for public housing can be anything up to twelve years (as it is in some parts of Australia) a lot more needs to be done. And fast!

5. Alongside my family, I also spend a lot of time thinking of my old friends. Even though it’s (for the most part) my fault that I am no longer in contact with them, I often wile away the time wondering what became of them and whether or not they were able to build the happy, rewarding lives they (for the most part) deserved.

6. The death of punctuation and grammar is something that crosses my mind whenever I surf the internet. Your instead of you’re, apostrophes placed in random locations (if at all) and the shortening of words such as hate to h8 annoy me on a level that is too complicated to explain.

7. A month ago, an eleven year old boy was cruelly murdered by his father in an incident that shocked Australia. Almost instantaneously it was announced that the father was “suffering from mental health problems”, as if this alone explained (and excused) the senseless crime. However, a few weeks later it was announced that no history of mental illness had been discovered. So why it is that every time a violent crime is committed, mental health is wheeled out asĀ the reason for the crime, even when there is no evidence of mental illness being involved?


3 Comments

Day 03: Eight ways to win my heart

Day three of the 10 Day Blogging Challenge asks for eight ways to win my heart!

heart

1. Be accepting of my mental illness(es)

In all three of my relationships my mental health problems were seen as weaknesses, aspects of myself that were used to prove I was lazy, worthless, weak, pathetic or not working hard enough. Anyone who accepts me in spite of my illnesses stands an exceedingly good chance of winning my heart!

2. Take the initiative

My social anxiety will often prevent me from doing the things men are supposed to do – such as making the first move – so anyone woman who recognises my shyness and says to herself ‘to hell with it, I want him regardless’ stands a very good chance of winning my heart. But…

3. …don’t push too hard!

For if you come on too strong, I’ll probably end up scampering for the hills!

4. Dress up as Supergirl

I’ve long had a wee fetish over this classic DC comic strip character for quite a number of years, so anyone wishing to win my heart need only don the brightly covered blue and red outfit to succeed! Failing that, Squirrel Girl will work equally as well! :p

5. Use the word ‘undies’ instead of ‘panties’

As mentioned yesterday, the ‘p’ word is my most hated of words, so the use of it will turn me off faster than you can say it.

6. Understand that your needs will always be more important to me than my own needs.

I’m hardwired to put other people first. This has caused problems in the past, notably when I was verbally attacked for putting my girlfriend’s orgasms above my own, so if you’re really intent on winning my heart just remember that I will always be putting your heart (body and soul) above mine.

7. Know your Zygons from your Zarbi!

If you want to win my heart, get to know the good Doctor and his entourage of companions, for there is nothing sexier than a woman who is a Doctor Who fan!

8. Be yourself!

This is probably the most important of them all. I abhor people who pretend to be someone who they’re not in order to be accepted by others. If you’re really keen to win my heart, just be your beautiful, unique and wonderful selves!

zarbi

(7) Know your Zygons from your Zarbi!

Should you be so tempted, you can also find five further ways to win my heart here!

 


5 Comments

Day 02: Nine things about myself

The second day of the 10 Day Blogging Challenge asks an old favourite: nine things about yourself!

Quantum Leap

Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell in Quantum Leap

1. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve held a secret wish that one day I would invent a time machine that would allow me to replicate the adventures of Sam Beckett; quantum leaping through space and time putting right what once went wrong. Only recently have I begun to realise that it’s unlikely I’ll ever achieve this dream!

2. I’ve recently been given permission from my landlord to own a cat. Even though I have yet to acquire one, I have already decided her name shall be Midna, in homage to the great Legend of Zelda video game character! :)

3. In two weeks I will realise a life-long dream; when, during a week-long camp for participants of the mental health organisation I frequent, I will deliver a brain-busting trivia quiz to all assembled.

4. My least favourite word of all time is ‘panties’. Ick. It makes my skin crawl just typing it!

5. My second favourite word of all time is ‘discombobulated’, because saying it makes me smile! :)

6. I’ve recently had my medication changed, as such my support worker and GP are on high alert in case I begin to suffer from any paranoia, delusions or psychosis in the interim period. So far, I’ve experienced only paranoia.

7. Sometimes I miss sleeping in the tent I slept in during the last months of my homelessness. So much so that I’m looking forward to sleeping in it again when I embark on the aforementioned MH camp in a couple of weeks.

8. To this day, I regret not attending the free Runrig concert that was held on 31st December 1999 in Inverness, for I fear it will be the only opportunity in my life to hear this band perform live.

9. My favourite painting of all time is Frederick McCubbin’s The Pioneer (1904).

Frederick_McCubbin__The_pioneer

The Pioneer | Frederick McCubbin

Including this post, over the course of this blog I have managed to come up with 137 facts about me…surely that has to be some sort of record? If you missed any of the other facts, you can catch up on them here:


4 Comments

Day 01: Ten things I want to say to ten different people

Well, the stitches are out of my thumb and it appears to be healing well, albeit with some slightly disturbing yellowy discharge that I’m told is nothing to worry about. It’s still too tender to actually type with but as each day passes I become more accustomed to using my left hand sans thumb, so much so that I no longer feel it’s a good enough reason not to blog. And as I’m tired of my mood dictating my blogging schedule, I’ve decided to grasp the elk by the horns and dive into a blogging challenge to help inspire my mood and get me blogging on a more full-time basis again.

The challenge I’ve selected is a ten day blogging challenge I came across on The Colourful Eyes and it kicks off with a prompt that asks for ten things you want to say to ten different people right now!

ella-hooper

Ella Hooper; star of Australian music quiz show ‘Spicks and Specks’

01. Shaun Micallef: You, sir, are a genius!

02. To My (Ex) Abuser: What did I ever do to you to make you want to destroy my entire effing life?

03. Ella Hooper: You are magnificent on Spicks and Specks and watching you each week makes me realise how delectable you really are. So if you ever find yourself short of company and/or have a thing for drop-dead cute socially anxious (ex) homeless men with ravishing beards and a (slightly) kinky outlook on life, feel free to drop me a line! :)

04. Meadhbh: If you play Katy Perry‘s Roar one more time today I’m likely to do something random (and violent), such as destroy my computer to stop you from playing it. So please give it a rest for a little while…okay? :)

05. To Relatives Who Shall Remain Nameless: I’m sorry I haven’t got around to responding to your Facebook message yet. I’m completely useless when it comes to things like email and social networks. I promise I;ll reply by the end of the week! :)

06. To my GP: Were you lying when you said the slightly disturbing yellowy discharge was nothing to worry about? Because my mind keeps telling me there is nothing normal about slightly disturbing yellowy discharge!

07. Shay: Yes, that random women in the street today did indeed have a delicious backside. You don’t have to keep going on…and on…and on…and on…and on about it!

08. To People Who Make Psychiatric Medication: Are you all completely insane? You do realise that people who suffer from mental health problems often have incredibly low self-esteem, don’t you? So why keep making medication that has weight gain as a major side-effect? Or are you all just sadistic bastards that don’t care about other human beings’ lives? Ā 

09. To Someone Who Shall Remain Anonymous: Would it be ok if I were to randomly email you to see how you were? I only ask because me support worker has been trying to convince me to do it for over a year and I keep telling her it would be a bad idea.

10. To Someone Else Who Shall Remain Anonymous: Would you like to have a coffee with me sometime?