All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

My Nervous Breakdown

I’ve skirted, danced, bogled and boogeyed around it and kinda explained why it happened but never really gone into much “depth” as to – what happened, how it happened, how it felt – so I’m bored, have a few hours, am tired of talking to Meadhbh so am gonna blabber here for a while.

What is a “nervous breakdown”?
You could also call it an emotional breakdown or perhaps a mental breakdown, but in essence a “breakdown” has occurred when someone becomes unable to deal with normal day-to-day life.

It can be ignited following a particular trauma, a series of events, or can even happen randomly and out of the blue with no precipitating identifiable cause.

“Nervous breakdown” isn’t even a medical term: it’s a colloquial phrase designed to try and hide what is actually happening, which is the sudden acute attack of a mental illness, because a breakdown is far more easily accepted than bipolar, depression or anxiety; it is stigma at work!

Why I had a breakdown…
A breakdown generally occurs when your circuits become overloaded. Your brain, heart, soul, emotions – whatever – are under so much stress that they short circuit, and then shut off, and then you can’t find a nice clean unbroken fuse to mend them.

As mentioned previously, I was diagnosed with CLL and then dumped by my girlfriend by text message which set in motion a chain of events which caused me to lose my college course, my income, my best friend and all of this happening whilst I was suffering from glandular fever – a pretty serious physical illness which could have killed me – and all in the period of ten days.

I think any one or two of those things could have the power to trigger a breakdown, but to have so many stressful emotional events hitting you when you are already physically, mentally and emotionally devastated from glandular fever, the fact I had a breakdown doesn’t surprise me.

What happened?
The day I realised something was seriously wrong was the Tuesday I spent walking around the sleepy hamlet of Port Fairy talking to myself at an audibly obvious level for six continuous hours before sitting on a beach and burning myself with a flaming stick. Now I had wanted to phone someone at this point, I knew something was brewing and I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to stop myself…but no working public phone box anywhere close and…dammit…mobile phone battery was dead!

So I burnt myself twice, used the ocean to cool the burns, and then stood there for an hour or so staring at the black expanse of the horizon before retreating to where I was staying whilst I was in Port Fairy.

I spent the next day glued to the bed, unable to move, writing obscure journal entries which skipped, danced and evaded the actual events which had happened the night before. I thought that by not writing about them I would be able to forget them. I watched an entire season of 24 that day and wished to high fracking heaven my mobile phone charger had been packed because at this point I really desperately needed to speak to someone. Oh well.

On the Thursday I crawled to the Doctor, on the Friday I saw a psychologist, on the Saturday I sat on a beach again, on the Sunday I spent another 7 hours walking around talking to myself, on the Monday I returned to Melbourne.

How did it feel to have a breakdown?
I literally felt nothing. I literally could do nothing. There was all this stuff I needed to do, all this stuff I wanted to do, but I just – couldn’t – I literally could not do any of it. My brain was not functioning on any level, all I could do for a few days was lie there watching other seasons of 24 (as this had helped the week before) trying not to harm myself.

Now that I had my charger back I couldn’t even bring myself to phone anyone because I didn’t have any words to say. I was doing that wee dial the number, delete the number, toss the phone across the room dance.

On the Wednesday I woke up having a panic attack, spent the day in a constant state of anxiety, panic, despair and fear. I wrote in my journal on and off, and for the first time ever mentioned my self harm in it’s pages (which you can read here). Then something happened that night which – well – let’s just say really really really really didn’t fracking help!!! I have never understood why that person thought it was a good idea, never will, but what they did that night was fucked up to the extreme!

On the Thursday I wanted to kill myself. I sat on the floor of my room staring at a knife and wondering what it would feel like. Tears were streaming down my face and I know I made two phone calls, but I can’t remember which order they came in. I either phoned a friend and then the suicide helpline, or I phoned the suicide helpline and then phoned a friend. Either way I spent the vast majority of that day in a constant state of fear of what I may do to myself.

After that week the specific days become blurry, everything is just a mess in my mind. I know I fought my self harm tendencies, I know Meadhbh came back, I know I did self harm, I know I was suicidal, I know I saw friends, I know I tried to rebuild my life, I know I saw doctors, I know I saw the occasional psychologist, I know I tried to do anything and everything that I could to fight what was happening to me and get my life back to something I was able to enjoy.

I wasn’t able to work. That’s a fact. Simple and pure. My health was fucked up to the point of unbearable, I couldn’t concentrate on a job advertisement let alone work an 8 hour shift, but I job hunted nonetheless.

As all this was happening I was having to sell all of my possessions in order to survive (rent, food, occasional social outings or cinema trips to make myself feel normal, which I would have to plan in advance in order to have the strength to do it without a panic attack) and try not to tell any of my friends what was really happening because, well, you have to pretend and not ever talk about your problems or negative incidents remember! Internalise, never externalise, because it was attempting to externalise that contributed to the problem in the first place!

My decision making capacity was shot to fuck, my conversational ability had gone; anxiety, depression, suicidal inclinations and self harm reigned supreme. The fact I had overcome all of this only a few months before contributed to the continuation of my depressive episode – all of those years of work for nothing!

My conversations with Meadhbh were driving my ever more insane, my ex was driving me nuts with her consistent emotional/psychological abuse, which Meadhbh was loving because it backed up everything she was telling me. Meadhbh would often say something which my ex would then reiterate word for word a few weeks later; “You have to help people,”, “You’re selfish,”, “You should kill yourself,”, “You never care about anyone!” oh how Meadhbh loved those moments!

Physically I was a wreck; fighting glandular fever was made almost impossible and my recovery time was lengthed by months. I had chronic pain in my back, splitting migraines, I wasn’t able to sleep and never felt hungry. I had to go to hospital several times for a recurring polynoidal sinus, though unrelated to the breakdown, has been recurring ever since due to the stress I have been under and have been waiting for an operation to have it removed. The meds I was on threw all sorts of side effects in my direction, which further messed with my body (and mind) and viruses seemed to claim their hold on my body on a regular basis.

I don’t think anyone can truly understand what having a breakdown feels like unless they have experienced one. Like depression “breakdown” is an overused word and does not in any way fully describe the pain and torment your mind is constantly under. You literally cannot function on a normal day-to-day level; your body is besieged with physical pain and your mind is engulfed with the sort of emotional pain I would never wish on anyone.

Overcoming a breakdown…
Like with all forms of mental illness there is only so much help you can garner from other people. You can see doctors and psychologists and MH professionals but you still have to do a hell of a lot of work yourself. I saw my GP regularly and fought for months for professional mental health care, which even after two suicide attempts only really came a few weeks ago.

So how can you help yourself fight an emotional breakdown? These are some of the things I tried:

  1. Be kind to yourself!
    You are going to have bad days and you are going to have good days. Don’t berate yourself for the bad days and think of yourself as a failure as this will only feed the breakdown demons.
  2. Find ways to reduce your stress level…
    Eat healthily; brown rice, fruit, vegetables, natural foods…
    – Find ways for regular relaxation (I used to walk, play in parks in the night-time, sit under trees, watch movies, write [we’ll get to that in a minute])
    – Have baths!
    – Try to socialise with friends and do things you enjoy (trivia nights, movies, coffee and tea, pizza lunches)
    – Do regular relaxation exercises.
    – Keep a daily ‘things to do list’ to refer to.
  3. Be physical
    Regular exercise and activity helps relieve stress and tension and keeps your body fit and active, in can be hard to do this after having a breakdown or going through a depressive phase, but it is important. Walking, swimming, cycling, yoga, pilates…if you do something you enjoy it will make things easier.
  4. Research and learn about what is happening to you.
    Understanding your problems/illness better may make it easier to cope.
  5. Find your own coping strategy
    Everyone is different, what works for one person will not work for another. So find your own ways to deal with what you are feeling and your own techniques to get you through your bad days.
    – Writing is something I did, the vast majority of my novel “The Ghosts that Haunt Us” was written during this period. However, in order for me to achieve the state of mind I needed to be in, in order to write, I had to self-harm (sometimes severely) in order to get there.
    – Other people find art, music, drawing or poetry effective.
    – To get through the bad periods I would play video games. I’m a Zelda aficionado so would replay my Gameboy Zelda games to occupy my mind.
    – Meditation and yoga can help.
    – Although I was unable to write a journal (still can’t to this day, won’t go into why), I did keep a mood diary to help identify and chart what I was feeling.
    There are lots of ways you can find to cope with what is happening. I would be interested in hearing your own coping strategies as they may help other people.

Relationships and Friendships following a breakdown…
One of the hardest things I had to deal with was being told repeatedly that who I thought were my friends were not really my friends (an example of being isolated by my abuser) and wouldn’t be there for me. Thus I was unable to talk to them about what I was going through as I was afraid of pushing them away – which was inevitably going to happen anyway – so had to fight my breakdown alone. They knew I had had a breakdown, and self harmed to some extent, but were not aware of the full extent of what I was dealing with.

After a breakdown your self confidence and self worth will be virtually non-existent, thus your ability to retain friendships and relationships will be put under further strain. As you are not thinking clearly your actions may cause harm to those people you care about, even if it is inadvertent, so you may need to apologise for anything which happened during the breakdown and work on rebuilding those friendships.

Although you will need to work out whether the problem was caused by you, or by them, if it was their problem they will need to find a way to deal with it as you should not have to accept responsibility.

I can’t sit here and talk about friendship really, I don’t have any, and as I am still fighting my breakdown cannot give profound advice on healing rifts and repairing damage.

I will say however that, like everyone, a show of kindness and love can help someone who has suffered from a breakdown. We all want to feel loved, we all need kindness, to help us get by.

Can you overcome a nervous breakdown?
The breakdown I experienced earlier this year was singularly the most painful, distressing, chaotic and fear inducing period of my life. I literally just could think straight in any way, my brain shut down and wasn’t functioning on any level. It was a constant daily fight to get through each conversation, each hour, each day.

The road to recovery following a nervous breakdown is hard work, it could take anywhere from 6 months to 3 years to fully recover. It can be done however, it’s not going to be easy, pretending it isn’t there won’t help but just cause longer term problems, it’s going to be painful, destructive and the hardest fight of your life.

But it can be done, never lose hope of that.

240 thoughts on “My Nervous Breakdown

  1. i’ve had two in the past and no one to help me. i am doing well now though, life has changed drastically in a positive way since then, but i sure know what they are like, and they are horrible

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    • My mind was in such a terrible state when I wrote this post I’ve never been 100% happy with it. I keep meaning to re-write/re-edit but other things keep coming up. One day I’ll get around to it.

      I wouldn’t wish a breakdown on even my worst enemy. That particular breakdown in 2007, I’ve had others since, was the single worst event that has ever happened to me. I’m still trying to piece the damage back together again.

      But hearing that things have changed positively since your breakdowns makes me happy, and gives me hope for myself :)

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      • addy I,m in the middle of my second breakdown,my 1st was in 1986,and I fully recovered from that one,with the help of medication,this one came as a big shock,as I never thought I,d ever have another,but on examination,it was a series of events through the year that did it,but I,m the same as you,it isn,t easy to get through it,and I work with serverly challenging autistic adults and it is a mammoth task to get better,but being Christian I believe that God will also give me the strength to get there,just a note to say you are in my prayers x

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    • What are they like or they the same as mine

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      • Depression, apparently being on the phone or being kept on the phone for hours all night long so I wouldn’t kill myself. I don’t remember some of that. Extreme anxiety, not able to function, collapsing..self harm, all stemming from a lifetime of abuse, abuse starting with my family. Anyway, that was years ago and although I still battle ptsd and all that goes with that. I’m doing a lot better. Hope you are too.

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  2. I had a breakdown in February of this year (2012) i’ve just recently gone back to work, but everyday still feels like a mountain to climb. I hope it doesn’t take 3 years to get better, i really do.

    Helen

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  3. I read this with tears running down my face ..after a very traumatic year with alot of illness and stress affecting my family and us together staying strong with my dad as the head..after a holiday with his sister in November he came back a broken man missed Christmas with us and new year..such a shock and so hard to get our heads round..all together we pulled around him with getting help for him ..worst day came two weeks ago when my brother found a knife which had blood on..turns out my dad had tried to slit his wrists ..the doctors have him on very strong medication and are even threatening hospital if there is no improvement…together we are trying help telling him we love him etc but it’s like talking to a shell …how can the head of her family be in this hell ..it’s the worst time ever for all of us ..scared of any texts or phone calls ..even tho we are together we feel alone and helpless..each breath each hour each day is all we can do to get our lovely amazing dad back ..thank you for sharing x

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    • It happend to me a few months ago, I’m 33 year old,,I’ve being with my partner 9 year,we have two little boys,,I found out that m partner cheated many many times before we had children,, and that I was tuck for a cunt,,,and that its likely the first child is not mine,,her reaction was callus (( get over yourself,life is short, think of the children, don’t be selfish))just be happy Gareth,it’s the past, just be,,just be!!! Her reaction/s made things worse,I began to see her the past and my life for wat it realy was, We are still together, but I’m not rite,she does not understand the damage that’s being dun Orr realy care…….and now my eyes have being opens I can not close them,,, I can not go on like this,,her reaction to wat the truth has dun to me and the state it put me into , further confirms the shallow person she is,,,I don’t know wat to do anymore,she is happy,, I am not,,, I have to leave,,, and except I will not be able to raise my boys…..and that I can never recover whilst whith her…. My brake down was scary, I simply couldn’t sleep, my mind raced and raced, I lost weight fast.. It’s not has bad now, but I wake up in the early hours almost every night(( just look at my partner fast asleep and happy)) and I want to walk away forever rite there and then, then I look at the little ones asleep(( and feel so fuckd up inside…trapd…..angry, hurt,,,like a fool for being so blind,cheated out of being happy,

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      • I have struggled with depression/anxiety all my life and believe I am currently going through a breakdown of some sort. I feel I have a husband that is not concerned and wants to deny that we have any issues. I am so angry all of the time. I go to bed a t night crying and wake up crying and lately have continued crying on and off all day. I have asked him to talk with me every day for the past few weeks but always get some type of excuse. I am feeling utterly defeated. I feel like running away but can’t since I take care of my immobile mom and have 4 kids. I feel isolated, hopeless and helpless. I have recently been seeing a counsellor who I have been going to on and off for almost 20 years. SHe feels I should go to marriage counselling with my husband. He refuses. Leaving doesnt seem like a reasonable option because I have been home for 20 years and have no career or source of income. Feeling very trapped. feels good to share though.

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      • No disrespect but….Sounds like your partner might be a Sociopath…

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      • Gareth, I can imagine the hell you are in. It would be hard to leave your boys to her care, but remember whatever you decide to do, you can be a big part of their lives. Most likely you would have a better relationship with your children away from your partner, as you are conflicted and not at your best living with her. I would suggest that in the meantime as you sort it all out, leave yourself open to finding someone you can feel appreciated by. At this point all you owe your partner is to take care of the children you have together.

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      • Hi, my name is Madison, I’m going to be a senior in hifh school when school starts up next autumn. Dear Gareth colt, while I have never experienced a “breakdown”, I do know how it feels to be isolated by loved ones. I was twelve when my parents divorced. My friends’ parents split up when they were very young. As a result, I didn’t get very much sympathy. That following summer, my dog passed away and a friend of mine was shot and killed after trying to break into a home. He didn’t wish ill will, he was just high and hallucinating that someone wanted to kill him. After reading these posts, I’m surprised that I never went through a breakdown. Anyway, I digress. For next few months, I was a shell at home. At school, I could be myself. Laughing and being as cheerful and sweet as they knew me to be. My Dad seemed to be the only one who noticed my behavior change at home(I live with my Dad). Though he never confronted me about it. I think I remember him asking if I was okay once. I answered yes and he simply nodded quietly. Nowadays, a couple years later, I’m fine. While there is still hesitation to admit certain things to my Dad, it’s not so bad anymore. While I do experience ocassional regret, it only happens when I am reminded of the incidents, which is rare. In my case, as well as your own I’m sure, it takes a lot of strength to power through your emotions during times like this. Even if I haven’t gone through a breakdown, I know to a limited extent what it may be like. Even if a loved one doesn’t seem to care, that doesn’t mean others don’t. Talk to any family and friends who you know will stick by you. That’s what I’d recommend. Although, It took me forever to admit this sort of stuff to anyone. The only ones who know the full extent are my boyfriend Teddy, my little sister Andrea , and my friend Tommy. In a way, I’m still fighting it. Though, I’ve learned to fight back. My life is back on track these days. I’m certain yours will reach that point too. I’m no expert on this, but I can say this much. Things can and will get better. It’s hard at first, but eventually the feelings will gradually disappear. I pray you find the strength to power through it all.

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    • I feel your pain! I’m suffering from a nervous breakdown because of family problems & illiness. The first one was so bad they had to admit me in the hospital & I swore I would never go back. But this time its getting worse. I’m older now but weaker. I have no one not even family to reach out to. I am married but he doesn’t know what to do so that makes it even worse. I feel soo alone. I’ve been praying hoping God will reach out and help me. I have no where to turn. Is there really hope? Sorry to unload !

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      • Hope is always there.I believe you know that better than me but somehow lost the track. try to figure out the good things in life,there are lot.life is a puzzle,take this as a game.At least I always take is this way. I.m in fix now at the age of 56 yrs. living with my mother after 30 yrs.But I have strong believe that downside is limited now,worst is over so only good things can happen for us.Cheer up.welcome the good days

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      • Hi, I found I was able to relate to your post immediately, as I too feel the very same. Do you still suffer from this terrible affliction? If so, and you care to share ,, I’m reaching out to tell you,, you are not alone. I sometimes find it helps more to open up to a complete stranger ,, and wish to start my journey on recovering from this disasteruous mess I’ve suddenly found my mind, body and soul in. Please do not feel obligated to reply, if you do not wish to, I will keep searching and reaching out in hopes of finding help,,and perhaps doing the same for someone else.

        If you have found resolution with this, it would be great to hear how it worked for you.

        Just looking for answers,, on yet another sleepless night.

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        • Christine. I hope this helps. I suffered a very severe breakdown and profound depression . I am just now after several years coming to terms logically with what happened to me. Which is some relief because in my breakdown all my logic went out the window. I don’t know if you are fighting this alone or with support? But if you are without support I would recommend connecting with a therapist or a physician . And hopefully one that you feel comfortable with. I was a wreck. I was certain I was going crazy. And I would pour myself reading about all the symptoms of clinical depression and mental breakdowns. I had very little family support . And I isolated myself from everyone not only because of my symptoms but from the hurt of finding out who your family really is when they are not supportive or reaching toward you when you get lost. Another suggestion I would recommend is to try to not fight your way out of it. It’s hard not to because you just want the whole thing to go away. But if you can find someone to talk to and possibly get medication if you think that will help. If you are adverse to medication than just talking to someone and sharing your anxieties and the symptoms gives some space inside of yourself to feel you will come out of this. And you are getting out of your head. Support makes it bearable. And you will come out from the other side of this. People would say that statement to me and I did not believe them. And now I feel some of the darkness has lifted. Take care to eat right , reach out to find some professional support. And if you can go for a walk with a friend. The exercise helps a bit. Although I also recognize some breakdowns are so suffocating you feel you cannot move . I was terrified in mine. Now I see it was my mind making me feel so afraid. IMHO breakdowns happen for a reason and a person can come out from the other side to heal and begin to be the person they were meant to be. There is a very good book . A classic ” Hope and Help For Your Nerves” by Claire Weekes . It is very comforting to read. I hope this helps . And love and light to you to heal. ;)

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        • Christine, that’s a lovely sentiment – that while in a dark place of your own, you can still feel enough of the good stuff to want to help others.
          I had a breakdown at the time that you posted your comment and I’m finding it sooo hard to put the pieces back together. It’s almost as though that’s not possible anymore. It changes you. And I don’t really know what I’m trying to fix because I can never go back to how I used to be. I just know we have to keep going. Day after (sometimes shitty) day. The alternative is giving up. And that’s much worse.

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        • is everyone saying they hand one breakdown come back on them again or had one breakdown and then had another breakdown by other stuff?

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          • It’s different for everyone, but the devastating effects of my first breakdown lasted for several years. There were additional breakdowns during that time (what I’ve affectionately called mini-breakdowns) but they all stemmed from that first, catastrophic breakdown.

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            • how did you work,and are you on medication?

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            • Unfortunately I haven’t been able to work for several years, my mental health is just too unstable for full/part time employment so I am on a disability benefit. I’ve been on/off medication for several years. My current meds are a combination of solian, olanzapine, fluoxetine but I’m hoping for a med review in the near future as I don’t believe my current cocktail is working effectively. We shall see. Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

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            • I have experienced a series of breakdowns within a years’ time. 2013-1014. I don’t know how many mini-breaks, , but I do know I had two major. This has been the worst time in my life. Before the first breakdown, I was working so much, and of course, getting sick and had isolated from friends. I am married and my husband has stayed with me, but it is very lonely because my husband and my father–the two people closest to me don’ t really understand, though in the past few months, my husband has made more of an effort. I lost my friends for the most part. I have a good psychotherapist and psychiatrist, and I am trying my best to pull myself out of hell. It is difficult. Some days are better than others putting one foot in front of the others. I am working again, rebuilding. But it is scary. I want friends again. I want for this to all go away. I know I won’t be the person I was, which is good in some ways. I can remake myself better, but I miss waking up with the ignorance that your brain can turn on you, as can everyone else you love. I think that has been the hardest part–realizing that the first reaction of loved ones is to run.

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    • it will take time sarah,but it can be done,i,m the head of my family ,and its thrown my family all over,but what you father needs is to keep focosing on the positive,it,ll take time and encouragement off you all,but you,ll get your dad back,and a little bit wiser,of the pit falls of this illness,and that’s what it is,i suggest you look at a book ,self help with your nerves by a dr claire weeks,it,ll open your eye,s a lot,you can order a copy from w.h.smiths

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  4. So nice to hear that other people have come through their breakdowns, I have one major one and currently coming through another. Both have been brought on by extremely stressful situations. First one was an unplanned pregnancy which escalated to the point of the baby’s father being on a rape charge and the second one has been brought on by an extremely unhealthy relationship ending and my parents split in the same week. I know that you can overcome your breakdown, take things slow, stay away from the negatives, play sports, talk to your friends, family, therapist. Anyone that can help you understand what’s happened to you. It can be done xxx

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  5. Thank you for publicly writing about your experiences and trying to put into words what your breakdown was like. I have never experienced one to that level, but have had my own struggles. Remembering that you are a priority and are valuable is very important at the end of the day. :)

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    • Thank you for your comment. :)

      My breakdown has always been one of the hardest aspects of my life to write about, but I’ve always believed it’s important for more people to talk about these issues so we can reduce the stigma and silence surrounding them. I’m sorry to hear of your struggles and hope things are going well right now.

      “Remembering that you are a priority and are valuable is very important at the end of the day” is fantastic advice for one and all! :)

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  6. I have just had a breakdown following several months of depression and manic episodes, plus way too much work and a resurfaced knee injury that is going to require invasive surgery. I hit the wall and lost control of my basic ability to function and even stopped doing the very basic things like showering, eating and sleeping. Not to mention isolating myself socially and not keeping up with work and school assignments.

    Anyway, I finally stopped and am taking time off work to focus on getting my coping skills back. I went to the psych ER and got re-prescribed to my old meds, which are already helping, but I am an expat in a country where I don’t speak the native language and also has a high rate of psych patients. I won’t be able to see my therapist before next month and I’m on the waiting list for a psych so for the next few weeks I’m on my own.

    Every day I am searching for ways to deal with this and work on myself, boost the meds with behavioral change, but up until finding this post, I don’t feel like I had really found any practical and realistic advice. Thank you so much for your honesty and courage to write this. It has helped me so much, as I’m sure it has helped many others.

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    • Thanks for your comment.

      I’m sorry to hear about your breakdown and current mental health problems. It’s wonderful that you’ve made contact with MH services and taking steps to get help. Although you’re on your own at the moment – and I completely understand how difficult this can be – it won’t always be this way. You can, and will, get through this. :)

      One of the things that has driven me with writing this blog is the hope that my words will be of help and inspiration to people who find themselves in situations similar to mine, so it brings me great happiness to know that my words have helped you.

      You are not alone in what you’re going through.

      Take care and stay strong! :)

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    • I have no idea if this reply will get to you way after you have recovered, but maybe someone else will read it. Besides professional help, I found depression chat rooms a great place to talk about what I was going through. I didn’t have many ppl to talk to in real life, and was scared I would run them off. The chat rooms were such a big help. I hope this can help someone. My best to you all. It can be done!!!

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  7. in the past i tried not to let stress and worries get to me. when i found myself unable to deal with them, i pretend they were not there and i always “conveniently” find an excuse like “things happen” to avoid thinking about it. but you are right, to get rid of a problem is to see what the problem is and what you can do to make it better. thanks for sharing your story :)

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  8. Thank you for sharing your story and continued struggle. I had a breakdown in March of 2012 and am just now starting to get better. I was in a relationship for 8 years with an addict and ended that. Right after my Sister and who I thought of as a twin soul, got kidney cancer. She lived with me for a year while I did everything for her (money, food, trips, everything to help her. Long story short she lied about the cancer and had been burning herself with a curling iron and calling it radiation burns. I broke when all this surfaced. Exausted, body pain, could not think, fuzzy head, ringing ears, blurry vision, I felt like I was going to die. I wanted to die. I have been seeing a shrink for 6 months, on meds, working part time, and doing a lot better! Yesterday I put a time line of events from birth to now that lead up to what happened. Writing it all down and discussing events with my partner( he was a huge support this past year) has cleared my head some. I am going from lost and scared to now I’m pissed. I have cut loose poisonous family, user “friends”. I’m taking my life back

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  9. Hi there! Thank you for writing and sharing about your experience with nervous breakdown (NB). I would like to tell you my story but it will probably take a blog by itself to fully explain the experience. Maybe one day I will. It was the scariest experience of my life, and I am not easy to be spooked by anything. I had no way of knowing what hit me, and unfortunately I had to discover about it all by myself because both friends and family had given up on me. And I almost gave up too. 8 months later I found out what it was. And 2 weeks ago, I snapped out. It is even more scary to see the destruction left behind by the NB. What I want to share now are my ways of pulling out of the blackest hole. Here it goes:

    1) Gym – because I love weight training even before I got the NB. Hence, an exercise that you will love or have always love, that will make you sweat buckets preferably. Why? You need to produce happy hormones called endorphines! For me I spent 3 – 6 hours in the gym daily! Btw, before I dragged myself to start going to d gym, I was glued infront of tv watching HBO, Cinemax and Fox movies – day and night. Gym is more productive.

    2) Listening to Trance Music – because this music stimulates my mind even before I had NB. It is something I like a lot. And I combined listening trance music AND doing cardio and weight lifting in the gym!!!! I was determined to KiLL the NB by double dozing everything I like. The key thing here is…do what I like.

    3) Make a darn good CD compilation of what I call, the ComeBack songs – I made a compilation CD of songs that are, to me, extremely inspiring and uplifting. Let me know if you want to know my playlist but to name a few, 1) Fix You – Coldplay 2) I believe I can Fly – R.Kelly 3) Climb – Miley Cyrus etc etc etc. Listening to the CD in the car just driving along a highway is extremely theraputic….

    I got a few more tips but I will list down all once I fully test them and confirm they work (for me). I am recovering from the ashes, and tomorrow is my first job interview after I lost my business which iI loved so dearly, due to the NB. So if things go well tomorrow ( fingers x) i will be glad to add more.

    Good luck…. and never give up!


    Z

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  10. I’ve just come across your blog after researching nervous breakdown. In 2011 my life was turned upside down when I found my husband being unfaithful. I immediately decided to take cake decorating classes and start a business of my own in case he left me and our 4 daughters. As soon as I completed the courses I began taking in orders. As you can imagine, it was very stressful for me as I was caring for 4 children and being paid to do something I had no experience doing. During this time, my father had 2 massive heart attacks and complications due to his diabetes. He almost lost one of his legs and not to mention his life. His heart is in such a bad state that he couldn’t even go on bypass. Anyway, he’s doing better now. There were lots of other changes in my life during last year (2012) and by September when my anxiety attacks started to become regular, I sought a Dr. He told me I needed to see a Psychiatrist but prescribed Zolft for me anyway. I got the generic version and by the 2nd day of taking it, I had a terrible reaction and almost died. I needed help to get home and couldn’t go to the ER because there was no one to take care of my children. I asked my husband to take me to another Dr. but he refused saying that nothing was wrong with me, that it was all in my mind. It’s March 2013 and I have still not seen a Dr.
    I can tell you my symptoms are very frightening. I do feel like I’m going mad. When I open my eyes, reality doesn’t seem real for me. Everything looks unreal. My heart races, my hands and feet are always cold. My body feels like there’s an electric current running through all the time. There’s a constant vibrating feeling and shaking that I cannot seem to calm down. My head feels heavy and dizzy. And fear, how can I ignore that? I’ve tried meditating but I feel like I need more help. It’s difficult to get up each day to make dinner for my girls. I’m unable to clean the house properly. I feel like I’ve failed everyone. I have no one to help me and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through. Many days I feel like I’m dying. I have no energy and yet my husband gets angry when he comes home and sees me lying down. I do feel very guilty and wish I could feel better to take care of my family. Thank you for this opportunity allowing me to share my experience. God bless us all.

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    • Hi Gina

      I am a passing reader of this blog and once I read your comment i had to reply to you immediately. Obviously, I do not know you and the complexities of your current situation and so ignore me if my comments are unhelpful of wrong but i just wanted to reach out to let you know that you have my support!

      Please take all of that pressure off of yourself! It is impossible for you to continue to take everything on your shoulders like this. You need to rid yourself of that guilt which is not yours to bear – it is your husbands and he is in denial and therefore projecting his anger towards you as it is easier for him to do this than having to confront his own behaviour and take responsibility for what he has done to you and his family.

      I really believe that emotional trauma such as infidelity needs to be confronted, properly, or it will eat away at you – it seems from your email that you have covered it up with setting up a business and I imagine this avoidance is the main culprit to your anxiety as you are not able to confront and ‘get over’ the trauma.

      Have you tried telling your husband exactly how he has made you feel? If this can be done in a such a way for him to take it in and confront it himself then it might help to bring you closer again, if thats what you both want. If he wont listen, block any of his projections and don’t take on his guilt.

      Ultimately though, we can only take responsibility for our own actions. If he doesn’t want to hear you then maybe you need to find it in yourself to take back control over your own sense of self – to piece yourself together and find your inner true self which will always be at your core.

      I hope this helps in some small way as I wanted you to know that you mustn’t suffer in silence and you do have the strength to recover from this. The human brain can be a scary thing but human beings are miraculous in what we can overcome when we manage to put our mind to it.

      Amber

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      • Thank you Amber! God bless you for your loving and compassionate heart.
        I’m trying to get on with my life and cake business with the help of medication which has made me gain weight. The weight gain is a bit depressing but at least I’m able to be there with my children and be their Mom again.

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      • Jo, I am very sorry for your situation. This is a forum for people who are working thru a nervous breakdown and sick themselves. We are here to share and heal with each other.
        I am seriously pissed that you have the nerve to be asking not well people to pay your bills. Have you even read anyone’s stories and shares?? There some here that are homeless and destitute. It is predators like you who have had a hand in where some of us are now. Addy, needs to remove you from this blog. We are here for emotional support and shares not to pay your fucking bills.
        Judy

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        • Hi Judy,

          I completely agree with your comment. Jo’s initial comment slipped through my net and has now been removed. I apologise for any distress that may have been caused by her comment and will endeavour to monitor comments more thoroughly in the future.

          Wishing you a wonderful weekend! :)

          Addy

          Liked by 1 person

    • I,v been througth 2 breakdowns,and if your husband thinks you can manage with four kids its him who needs to see some one,you need all the help you can get x

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    • I am so sorry you are going thru this. I completely understand. Ask a friend to take you to a Dr. It sounds like you have extreme anxiety to me

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  11. Thank you for this. I’ve read a lot of articles on breakdowns and recovery – and this is the first that felt “real,” I think because it’s clear that you’ve experienced what you’re talking about and aren’t afraid to be authentic in sharing, goods and bads.

    My story in a nutshell: 18 months ago I separated from my partner for us to pursue individual and joint counseling (at the therapist’s advice). Four months later, my partner informed me by text that he didn’t want to do any more counseling. That was bad enough, but then it got trickier – when the relationship ended, I lost my home, my family – partner and stepson, my business and career-dreams (we worked together), my friends, my church and community (my partner is a popular musician who has a very engaging public facade – since this is what everyone else saw, they chose him in the split, and I realized that most of my friends/community were a fan-base that went with him – and didn’t want to see anything but perfection in him. As he was popular to play at church (which he only attended when he had a show), I had/chose to leave that church because of the constant triggers – I couldn’t sit there and applaud him, and didn’t want to be around others who only wanted to do that – whether church, community, friends). I lost all financial security (had been trying to get my own business up and running, with my partner’s encouragement).

    Thank goodness, when I had moved out, I took a part-time job in a nursing home – that was enough to allow me to rent a room in someone’s home, and also, most importantly, gave me some emotional connection with the residents – and plenty of hugs and love from what had become my new (and only) family, even though the job was also very emotionally demanding in a variety of ways. (And re family comment: I am excommunicated from my birth family because of their extreme fundamentalist religion which I left when I was 19). So, a complicated situation.

    The last 18 months have been the darkest in my life, but I realize that I am slowly coming out of them. I knew things were bad, and that I had a hard time coming through them, but I think it was only in the last few weeks that I’ve truly, deeply realized that I had a major meltdown/breakdown last summer when all this happened. Thank goodness, somehow, with the help of therapists who are working with me on expenses, since I cannot pay – I have begun the healing journey. Somehow, with grace and synchronicity and serendipity, I have even been led to do the right things, the most helpful things, to begin my healing journey, I see as I read these articles and suggestions now.

    I really appreciate realistic articles like your own – they don’t try to paint things perfect, but you also share what has worked for you, and what I am trying to add more and more to my life as I attempt to come out of this phase – and to love myself when I slip back into it. I’ve learned a lot about myself, about life, about people, about how this got started and why it affected me so deeply – and the learning, and slow recovery, continues. Thank you again.

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  12. Wow. Thank you so much for this. I am going through my own, and I found this blog really helpful.

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  13. Wow, I sincerely and deeply understand where you’re coming from. I like that you listed ways to get over a breakdown (we call them “meltdowns” here – things go nuclear so quick) I’ve been fighting this very thing the last 3 years, so my heart goes out to you. – Selling stuff to survive, the loss of “friends” one by one, all of it. I came to the conclusion that people pick up on your sadness even when you don’t bring it to light. Like rats deserting a sinking ship, they bail on you and you find yourself adrift, and alone… drowning in your own mind. I think sites like the M.H. blogroll / black box warnings, help people like us make it through the rough moments.
    It helps to know we aren’t alone.

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    • At the time of my breakdown (although meltdown is definitely a more than apt term) I could have done with being connected to the MH blogging community. Such feelings of isolation, loneliness, disconnection and confusion could have been lessened by the network of bloggers that now actively share their experiences to bring hope to others. It definitely helps to know we’re not alone! :)

      This was such a dark time of my life I feel for anyone who has been through anything like it, so my heart goes out to you and wish you all the luck and hope on your journey. :)

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  14. I am currently going through a breakdown. It has been coming on now for about two years. I am an extremely strong person and have been through a great deal of traumas throughout my life. At this current time my support system is my husband and one close friend that knows what is going on. My husband works out of town during the week and my friend is busy with her family and work. I am a stay at home mom…a 14 year old, 12 year old and 2 year old….my 2 year old was 7 weeks early and I became so ill with her I almost died. Huge hospital bills, 3 months ago my 2 year old became very ill and was in the PICU for 21 days on a vent. She is healthy now but requires O.T. And speech therapy. Again, large medical bills. I also have not been able to find work. I don’t feel like harming myself but I want to run away from everything and everyone. For weeks I was totally disengaged from my family unable to participate in my life. I’m trying to take steps to get better but I am having a hard time because I haven’t had the opportunity to be a basket case. I am on he because I am looking for any type of support as at this point I feel so lost and alone.

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    • Hey Lost Girl – I know what you’re talking about, the sense that everyone else is existing in a parallel universe and engaging with anyone/thing is a gargantuan effort. I’m in the middle of recovering (everything fell apart in October last year) and it’s still tough.

      The support you seek could come from a number of areas, but the important thing is to go out and find it. The support that is working for me is a phenomenal acupuncturist and a Jungian analyst who work very closely together and complement each other beautifully. I see the analyst twice a week with the acupuncturist sandwiched in the middle – it’s a great combination. The acupuncturist has been through the same thing and so really understands what it’s like. They are invaluable. You have to get professional help, I think.

      One thing the analyst told me as a ‘rule of thumb’, not an absolute, is that whenever everything came crashing down to the point of getting real help is likely to indicate the length of time it will take to get through the worst of it. Don’t be frightened of needing medical attention either. At first I couldn’t sleep, I lost 1.5 stone and life was listless and flat. I went to the doctor who prescribed some hefty sleeping pills to get the equilibrium back. Lack of sleep makes everything 20 times worse.

      You talk about not having the opportunity to be a basket case – find a way. As far as I can work out, it’s one of the most important routes to recovery. Your old coping mechanisms won’t work, you need to find new ones. Can you have your parents come and look after the kids for a while? You need a break.

      The important message here is to look after yourself, because I’m guessing you’ve been looking after everyone else except yourself for a very long time.

      Exercise is good (gentle) but a type that makes you physically tired, not just the mental and emotional exhaustion that pervades. Eating really well also helps, vegging, reading, watching movies. If you’re having trouble sleeping, make sure you don’t read/watch adrenalin-packed/hi octane thrillers before going to bed; stay off the internet for at least an hour before going to bed; if you wake up, don’t look at the clock in the middle of the night; have a pad and paper (or dictaphone) to capture your racing mind in the middle of the night; don’t drink too much alcohol, it will make you feel worse and finally write down your dreams the minute you wake up and take them to your therapist.

      Look this up on the internet and show your husband as much as he is willing to understand and ask for his help and understanding too.

      That’s all for now….I really hope this helps.

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  15. I love it when people get together and share opinions.
    Great website, continue the good work!

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  16. I have suffered a total melt down, I cannot explain how frightened I was , panic, fear, anxious feelings, i felt sick, a complete shaking experience throughout whole of my body for months, crying for hours on end, i even went to a&e twice and told them i was going mad, i was so so scared, feeling so lost and alone and my parents telling me to get a grip, my husband looking at me as if I was a wreck, Well yes I was, because I found he had cheated on me for 13years, via on line dating, he has his own company and went to hotels most days instead of the office, he has done some horrible things with willing women, whilst I worked kept a perfect home and looked after our lovely daughter, cooked meals that were put in the bin, because he had already eaten. Verbal abuse and put downs became my daily life, I got so used to it.
    It all came to light three years ago, I have survived with tablets and counselling , I’m so unhappy, I get on with my Daily life with true sadness hanging over me. We are still living together, trust has gone, but for our lovely daughter I keep things together. My husband gave me support at first, after nearly three years, I’m called fat and mad. I know I’m a broken person, I trusted and loved my husband/best friend, to be let down has broken my heart, Will I ever recover, I hope so, it’s a long road, I take it day by day, some good some bad. For the sake of our beautiful daughter I struggle on. The days are not as dark as they used to be, I pity my husband and realise he had or has a huge problem using women for the obvious, I have separated myself and try to be kinder to myself. It’s so good to share our own experiences, to realise there are other people with emotional pain. Tracy x

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    • I can totally relate to you Tracy. Our stories are almost similar. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. We are all here for each other. We will get through this together. You are a strong soul with lots of love to give. I wish you happiness. Sending you peace, love & light.
      Gina.

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    • I’m on a slow simmer. Similar story about philandering husband; different circumstances, but I suffered through it alone for sake of children. Most friends even thought we were the perfect couple. After a 30 year marriage filled with lies and hopes of a happy ending, a 5 year relationship with a Thai bar-girl came to light. This was 3 years after our return from Thailand expat life. She sent pictures and stories because she felt cheated. It was my breaking point; constant crying and sitting in one chair. Everyone thinks I’m doing great now (3 years later and divorced). Typically, I am and it has been a struggle.

      Had I left at 40 (first realization of cheating husband), I would have reorganized my life differently. Right now at 57, I’m still living in a bubble. Some days are brilliant, but others still take me down. I’m different now because of lack of self esteem, unhappiness and years of pretending. I’m always a bit insecure in relationships, too.

      Might I suggest you focus on your exit strategy now – while you have some stability and support. You’ll build up self esteem and be a better person, prepared for the inevitable. Your daughter may appreciate your suffering for her benefit later, but not the dysfunctional relationship. My daughters are grateful for my sacrifice and are happy to see me being a strong person in the end.

      Post note about ex husband: He’s still trying to find another “true love” and stable marriage. Bottom line is it wasn’t just about sex. Not sure what it was about, but he regrets ruining our life and family. Doesn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let your husband ruin your happiness in life.

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    • its so sad to read the pain people have gone through.my wife cheated on me 4 times and handed me a seven page letter confessing it.my son ben was 1 and a half at the time and so i forgave her.it was nt ordinary sex either.she was meeting men in hotels for bdsm sessions.a year later she confessed again one night when i demanded to look at her phone.so i divorced her.then my brother in law through himself under an artic.then my father died.all in 12 months.then i started feeling anxious in the evenings for no apparent reason.i met a really nice girl and planned on marrying her not long after i had been seeing her.but when she was around my home i started to feel anxious and overwhelmed.it just got worse till summat popped.i thought i was losing it.couldn t sleep,eat,didnt feel like me.called off the wedding because i just couldn t cope.so went on antidepressants and 3 weeks on i ve got my appetite back and i m sleeping better.i ve been applying the steps in a jehovahs witness magazine on mental disorders that has really helped.it lists 9 steps to recovery.1 follow the course prescribed by mental health professionals.2 maintain a balanced stable daily routine.3 stay physically active.4 get enough sleep 5 take time each day to relax.6 eat a nutritious and balanced diet.7 limit alcohol consumption and drugs that are not prescribed for you.8 avoid isolation.spend time with people whom you trust and who care for you.9 give attention to your spiritual needs.these steps have helped me to keep going.my only concern now is i ve had to keep my girlfriend at a distance until i feel better,which has obviously left her feeling hurt and confused,but at the moment i can t seem to cope with the pressure of a relationship.i don t feel nothing at the moment.just feels like i ve had the rug pulled out from under me and i m scared of not being able to love her like a did before.which she senses and that makes me more stressed.worst 3 weeks of my life so far.

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    • Tracy

      I’ve just read this blog and your story really worries me. Are you okay? I understand this comes two years late but this is a very big traumatic event that you are having to go through. I hope you found someone to talk to initially. I hope you found the strength to get through this. Please do let me know how things are for you now? You poor thing, life is truly a rollercoaster. I know what you have been through. I understand. I don’t have kids but I have been duped and know how that feels. It’s the rug from under your feet. It’s hard . Keep us posted ok. Mandy xx

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  17. i had a nervous breakdown in 2010.. i had been developing the stress since 2008.. just cause of a girl who was worse than a whore.. i had a panic attack in 2010 and from then onwards,life has been a little difficult journey.. small things turned into huge problems or you can say hurdles for me..but now after 3 years i have recovered a lot but not completely..all i feel that pushing yourself hard a these times and following a perfect hobby can help your way out of the problem…thank you!!!

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  18. Hi. My name is Nikki. I have suffered a breakdown after holdimg onto so much for so many years. It was how you described it x 10 for me. How do you move forward? How did you start? I know I need a fresh start… the job market it bleh. Lol. Thank you for describing it.

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  19. I had a major breakdown two years ago…it was so terrifying because it gave me a psychotic episode (felt like a living nightmare)to the point where I was so scared that I threw myself off a bridge onto a motorway, got airlifted to hospital and had numerous fractures. couldn’t walk for three months – I was in shock for a long time after and am really find it hard to come to terms with my illness. How can I ever recover from that? my way of dealing with it was to move on and put it behind me…I work fulltime, but really find it hard to come to terms with what happened to me and I would appreciate hearing from people who have been through similar and how they managed to move on x

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  20. I am not having a meltdown, but sometimes it feels like it. My husband is the one that either had, or is having a breakdown of some sort. I would have to say it started in Jan when he lost his 3rd job in 2 years. He has been getting progressivly worse since then. He lost all his friends and family except his Mom. His baby sister died 3 years ago, and his older sister died in Jan. He used to be close with his brother-in-law, and nephews but had a fight with them when his sister died, and now they dont talk. Our kids are grown and on their own. They still come around and know something is going on with their Dad. Our son has 3 kids, and our daughter just got engaged. The problem is none of us know what to do to help him!!

    I read all of these posts and it all sounds so painfully familiar. He says the same things to me almost every day.
    He cant sleep and is on medication for that. He has gained a lot of weight and doesnt eat right. He has bad cataracts in both eyes from Prednizone so he cant go outside in the sunlight without getting really bad headaches, ans he cant see to read. He has no cartilage in either knee so he cant do anything physical anymore. He has a heart problem, where his left ventrical isnt working right due to scar tissue that’s continually growing and interfering with his heartbeat. He has constant chest pain, fatigue and trouble breathing that are all from his heart condition. Then he has all the same symtoms, conditions, issues, etc that everyone discribe on this blog in addition to his physical health. His doctors say it’s a Stress Breakdown, and he is seeing a Psychiatrist and is taking medication for that too along with what seems like a hundred other pills a day.

    He pretty much shuts me and the kids out. He keeps saying that no one knows what he’s going thru and no one cares. He doesnt share anything but anger and meanness, so I dont even know his doctors’ names. He is really hard to live with and talk to.

    I still have the same job I’ve had for 16 years and got promoted a year ago. Instead of being happy , I feel guilty that I have that and he doesnt. But if I didnt have my job, there would be NO money coming in, and we cant even pay the bills we have on my salary alone. His Mom helps financially when she can, but she is dealing with his Dad who has Dementia or Alzheimer’s.

    I was hoping someone who’s been thru what he’s going thru would help me help him. What do I say? What can I do to make him understand that I AM here? I cant let him see me cry or how he hurts me when he yells and meanly says I’m not capable of helping him. How do I reach him? I have asked to go with him to his doctors appts, but he refuses. He acuses me of not believing him when he tells me what the Drs say. He said the Pych dr told him that since we’ve been married 32 yeas, that I should know what to do for him. But I dont!! I feel so inadequate and worthless. Maybe I am having a beakdown of my own!! Lord knows this is very very stressful!!

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  21. Hi. I’m a 27year old guy from kolkata,india. In the year 2004, december i had a nervous breakdown which occured bcoz i woked up 3 mnths at night continuosly with only 2 hrs of sleep at noon. I had an unknown fear and I used to walk around my room cntinuosly without sitting, couldn’t watch TV. My body felt cold and energyless. I also had 3year loss in education. Now after 8years of treatment i,ve recovered a lot and back to normal(almost). I generally draw cartoons of all types and read comic books. Now I feel good. But doctor said i still have to eat medicines so that it doesn’t come back. Watching others conversations in here helped me a lot. Please reply me if i,m going the right way. Thanks -samrat..

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  22. I have been in a quasi state of nervous breakdown of varying degrees for about 30 years now. I can go weeks, even months without a flare up. Then sometimes, it can go on for weeks or months when it hits. My mind breaks. I don’t know how else to put it. Screaming, crying, self harm, self hatred, destroyed relationships, destructive new ones – it’s pathetic and disgusting. I have found myself in places I would never go when I’m “normal” and I will do things I would never DREAM of doing when I am “normal” when my mind is in that broken state. All of which contributes to the self hatred and the continuous flash backs play on my guilt and fear of being “found out”. And in these times I have dreamed of being schizophrenic. I know it sounds nuts but trust me when I say that these times of mental breakdown I am desperate for a pause – anything to make the pain stop – and in those moments I wish to God that there was another person I could turn into that wouldn’t feel the pain. And I wonder how much more I must bear before I can feel the “relief” of schizophrenia. As I am feeling “normal” right now I have to tell you that I feel like a complete knob for even writing this non-sense. But I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of being ashamed. I don’t know how I am going to fix things or even if I can fix it. I just wanted to write this in case anyone out there was experiencing the same thing as me. Am I crazy? Have I allowed this to go on so long without help that now my mind truly is broken? I believe it’s possible. My problem is that due to an abusive mother as a child (who conditioned me to accept emotional abuse as the norm) I sought out similar behavioral characteristics in my adult relationships. They say that girls marry their fathers. Well, since my mother was the dominant person in my upbringing, I married my mother – and I did that 3 times now. I can be the smartest, most witty, most dependable, lovable, compassionate wonderful woman in the world but all you have do is 1) make me feel invalid or 2) abandon me. Either one of those things will short circuit my brain within seconds – I can go from strong and clear minded to self-destructing in the corner within 5 minutes – and this can go on for a couple hours or a couple days, continuously. Because it happens so quickly there isn’t time to run and hide. And for anyone in abusive relationships you already know that we never know when that moment is going to strike – their deterioration happens just as quickly sometimes. It’s a terrible cycle.

    My advice to anyone who has suffered a breakdown or a couple of breakdowns – get the F*CK away from anyone and everyone who is hurting you – family, boyfriend, husband, friends – doesn’t matter. GET OUT FAST. It’s been 30 years for me and trust me when I say that it won’t stop if you don’t make a change NOW. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with one of 2 things ONLY: 1) people who truly love you or 2) NO ONE. It’s okay to be alone. And quit pursuing happiness!!!! What a joke!! Be in the pursuit of PEACE – peace in your heart, peace in your mind, peace in your soul. Happiness will come on it’s own.

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    • Laura, I am in the same boat. My mum was emotionally abusive and blamed all of her problems on everything and everyone else. When my dad finally left her after 38 years together, she used me as an emotional crutch and now I have such distorted views and beliefs on relationships, I cant seem to make mine work. The minute my partner makes me feel invalid or abandoned I completely lose it and he can not cope with me anymore. He is still here but has checked out emotionally which is further feeding my insecurities and things are just spiralling worse. I am generally a strong self sufficient woman, I have two babies and a good career but my relationship is a mess. I feel angry that my parents didn’t split earlier or access the multitude of health resources we have here to sort their sht out and now I feel so messed up and conditioned to think in certain ways because of their constant dysfunction. Every day is an exhausting battle trying to rewire my brain to think in a different way. When my dad left he basically cut off contact with me because he knew my mum was feeding me lies like that he was on drugs. We didn’t speak for 10 years and he died a few minutes before I got on the plane to go see him when I found out he was sick and in hospital. My mum should have been talking to a psychologist which would have been free for her instead of venting to her 15 year old daughter. She is an embarrassment and a shameful human being, I recently cut her off when she told me ‘you dont love your children’ in front of my 2.5 year old daughter who has recently learnt how to say ‘love you’ and no doubt understands the basic premise of love. Its bad enough she subjected me to her rubbish. Now my relationship is to the point where its abusive, I’ve tried counselling and all sorts and we have good phases for longer now but when its bad I just can’t cope anymore because its been going on for so long. I think I’ve finally lost it because I haven’t been able to get out of bed all day. Thx for reading.

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    • Laura…excellent advice.I can identify.A therapist recommended to me to stay away from my sister until I felt well.The youngest sister of 4 other older domineering sisters I grew up anxious & depressed.Breaking away has enlightened me to reconnect with myself.Your advice spot on,regarding finding peace instead of happiness.Thank you for sharing.

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  23. my friend is in hospital at the moment. She has been through a harsh break up and left alone with 3 kids. Ive been there to help as much as I can. I visited her one day and she was in a state crying telling me someone was stalking her. I stayed with her all day comforting her and listening. Next day I text her to ask if she was ok….no response tried again 2 days later and her mother text saying shes is fine thanks her mum. and I heard nothing more for 3 weeks. I didnt push the issue as her mum was quite blunt in the text and I didnt want to appear to be interfering. My friend turned up one night last week saying things about her childhood that made no sense dates times people etc. This alarmed me and I was contemplating calling her parents to make them aware. On the friday I got a call from her mum screaming at me telling me to stay away from her. What I didnt know at that point was my friend had been admitted to hospital. Her mum has deleted my number from her phone and now my friend is trying to get in touch with me through other friends. I want to be there for my friend I feel terribly bad for her but her mum has threatened to go to the police about me and I dont want to get in any kind of trouble. I am aware reading this we sound like teenagers but we are actually in our 30’s lol. my partner says I should let her mum calm down and once my friend is better let her get in touch. But I dont want her to think I am angry with her or not her friend. But I dont want to antagoize her mum. if anything happens to her i will not forgive myself. any suggestions?

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  24. im having one now. i just want to die. i can’t even move . in the middle of this i fell down a flight of stairs and tore ligaments in my foot and im on crutches. i hope i die

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    • Oh Tessa, I wish I could give you a big, tight hug! You’re going through something very big right now. Please don’t give up. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I’ve been through it. I’ve been helpless for at least 7 months before I was able to convince my husband to go with me to see a Dr. only because I could not go alone. I was afraid to be alone in the bathroom let alone leave my house. Since I’ve started medication, things have been much better. Sure, I gained a ton of weight because of it, but I’m doing great. Do hang in there. You’re not alone Tessa. Please don’t give up. Something wonderful is waiting to happen for you.

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    • get the book,self help with your nervers ,by dr Claire weeks,you,ll find your not alone,this book will put you on the right path,you can get it from wh smiths xxx

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  25. I lost my husband it is still difficuld for me to accept that he is gone,we have two kids i am far away from home i feel alone and i have lots of things to decide

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  26. Thank you for sharing this, it resonates so clearly and it’s beyond brave from you to open up, help and educate others with this.

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  27. I myself had a nervous breakdown back in 2009…but it was building and building up. The calamities unfolded and took effect when I was on holiday. I cried for over an hour and thought of drowning myself off the peer. The panic attacks had begun a year earlier, stomach trouble, tightness in the chest, light headedness, terrible stomach trouble. low-self esteem and depression. I had fits of rage in an opticians, a meltdown beside a restaurant, I was so very angry inside.

    I to be honest I suffered a lot of bullying in school and in the boy scouts, had little experience with women, had no friends -because they deserted me- had to cancel my fourth year studying Law.
    I have since been in hospital twice and been through about a thousand days of these damn symptoms…half crucified and overcome. I had always felt ostracised, and that came true in college as well. Over the years I had to teach myself everything…..I helped people along the way and tried to rebuild my life.

    However I have written a lot of books of over the years, stories, longer fiction, philosophy, a book on mental health and Autism, 3 books of poetry and worked on novels, essays and drama. I thank God for them (even though I cant write any more) Over the years I have been up, down, in, out and near crazy.
    I have made some great friends. I practice mindfulness, meditation, I pray -since I have rediscovered my Christian faith- I play guitar and enjoy going nature watching.

    I am currently working- part-time- and I tell you its VERY HARD! Because I really struggle with the barrage of work and the social anxiety… ..the cliffhanger..as I call it! My family put pressure on me to find a better job and to be socially adaptable. But my social anxiety seems to be getting worse these days…despite what I do.

    Anyway…my first book is getting published…so I will work on getting that out and hopefully enjoy my holiday in Holland!

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  28. i have been going through a breakdown for the last 1and 1/2 years. the other name I like to call it is a psychic/spiritual crises. I feel so thankful to be reading the above stories. it helps to ease the anxiety and overwhelming fear. it helps me to feel like im not totally alone in the world. it reminds me to be kinder to myself. its helps me to feel less crazy. I remember when I started to spiral downwards that this was no ordinary depression that I had experienced over the years and would recover from in a matter of months. this downward spiral that began a year and half ago seemed to catapult me into a darkness that I had never experienced before. I knew almost right away that this was not going to go away in a week or a couple months. no…this ride was going to last much longer and be much more difficult to pull myself out of. it has shaken the very core of me and left me feeling that any self confidence and self worth that I had, had been completely stripped from my very core. one of the reasons I am thankful for the above posts is because they put into words those things I have been so unable to verbalize. each symptom and feeling expresses what I have been unable to voice for the past year and a half. thank you to each of you for your posts.

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  29. My partner is currently suffering a breakdown, he has suffered depression since his dad died but last week the stress if everything got to much for him, I’m really struggling to help him, he has been to see someone but he just isn’t himself, it’s good to see what others in his situation have been through so I can understand more

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  30. Thanks for the great, honest article and very useful follow-up comments too. I’ve felt like I’ve been on the cusp of a breakdown several times and it’s heartbreaking when it happens again just as you feel you’ve entered a more positive phase. Although I’m an anxious person by nature, these episodes are always situational for me, i.e. triggered by a specific incident or more than likely a cluster of them together that make it impossible for me to cope, that’s why I try to avoid meds and get through it with diary, CBT etc. Problem is when you’re so busy and don’t have time to use the coping tools properly, it’s good to read about others’ experiences. I loved your coping strategies, Azhar – please share your songlist! :) Big problem for me is lack of self-discipline, I’m sort of self-employed at the moment, working from home, and getting out of bed due to constant tiredness and anxiety/racing thoughts keeping me up half the night is a huge challenge.

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  31. Hi, I’m 40 and my breakdown was just over 3 years ago. Mine stemmed from my mum dying of cancer when I was 7months pregnant with her first grandchild and then my father having a major heartattack shortly after due time being heart broken. My breakdown didn’t come straight awaybut 3 years later just after the birth of my daughter. I started getting. Dizzy. Then one morning I could not get out of bed. Gradually I could make it to the garden then in time my friend would walk me down the road. Slowly I could get out again. I had tests etc all ok, counselling, but still it’s an everyday struggle. I still havedizzy spells, tinnitus, funny vision andthat feeling like you are plugged into an electrical source. Be strong everyone, we are all together and extra special xxxx

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  32. I think I am having one right now. I just randomly quit my job this morning and yelled at them over the phone to take me out of all my shifts and never schedule me in anything ever again. I then biked for two hours. My roommate has convinced me to go home and that she will help me figure out what to do since I told her I was going to kill myself after my bike ride.

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  33. I am fighting one right now, I did not realize it until 4 month after that it was happening.. I went on an exchange program to Australia and due to different reasons I developed severe acne (due to sun exposure – food choices and stress maybe), of course I felt sad in Australia and started to isolate myself and since I was not going to live in that country I didn’t care much about making friends and having a happy life, I was just waiting to go back home hoping that once I was home I was going to feel as before but unfortunately for me I felt even worse. I felt like I let myself down and that I wasted my great opportunity. I came back with 0 self-stem and self value when it should have been all the way around. I am being fighting for 8 month now and this is for sure the hardest moment of my life. I dropped school for this period and came back to live with my parents until I felt better. I can say that I feel a 50% better now but I still have that half to go. luckily my family and gf have been there for me which makes me feel blessed. The doctor says I suffer from social anxiety since I get really nervous about getting together with other ppl. I feel a lil relief about reading that people had pass through this and have a happy life now. Sometimes I feel really nervous like seriously I shake and it is just impossible to think straight. Sometimes I feel like I am not smart anymore and that my cuteness as person is just gone. My question is about these times, when u are on that peak moment how u calm urself? Thanks a lot, I will appreciate ur answer..

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  34. Early july I would say that every thing was perfect in my life then ….not sure what hit me, but I went down like a bag of crap in less than 3 weeks, ending up taking some massive amount of panadeine forte just to make these destructive wave to stop, not to kill myself…just make it stop. I could write for days about what is going through my mind, try to understand, fix it, nothing works….I find that accepting, and letting go to help. I’ll write a bit more another day…to fully explain, if it doesn’t help me it might help another.

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  35. Wow seeing what you guys say makes me feel like there’s hope. Av had a depression prob all my life and well never could stay positive about myself or anything for that matter, people dont really help me either most take what you’re going through for granted not knowing whats happening to you. I experienced my first breakdown last night, i couldn’t think straight, all i wanted to do was end my miserable life i actually say myself die in upto 10 different ways, it waz the first time i ever cried myself to sleep and honestly i hoped i wouldn’t wake up

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  36. It happened to me too — still not sure if I’m totally out the other side. It started in september 2009. I spent weeks in my apartment, refused to pay rent, go to class, never talked to friends or family. I dropped out of all the clubs I was in at school, I let my phone die and didn’t charge it back up, I left Facebook, I didn’t even check my email. I’d only go out at night to take walks by myself, when no one was around. I was smoking pot constantly and it only made my anxiety and depression worse. This was so unlike anything I’d ever done before that in retrospect, it was clearly a breakdown, but while it was happening it just felt like my life was ending. I was just going to live out the rest of my days away from everybody and everything, I just wanted to give up on all of it. I lived in pretty much constant self-hatred and fear. I couldn’t face any part of reality.

    The feeling didn’t go away for four months. I missed Christmas… I literally slept through Christmas day. That was probably the low point. To this day I think about how my mom must have felt, or the rest of my family, opening presents and wondering why I wasn’t there. It breaks my heart.

    So I’ll tell you what worked for me: God. A couple of days after Christmas passed by, I drove to the beach at three in the morning (had just woken up) and shouted into the sky for God to give me an escape. Four hours later my dad called my ex-girlfriend and basically told her to force me into calling him back. I did (don’t know why) and he told me I should take time off school, and come out to Arizona to live with him for a while. He obviously knew I was having problems. But this offer was so out-of-the-blue, uncharacteristic of my dad, and the timing was so perfect that it simply was an answer to my prayer. There’s no doubt in my mind.

    In the nearly four nears since then I have gotten better. Spending time with family is very healing. Being active, spending time outside is healing. Doing what you love is healing — for me it’s music. Having a dog has helped me a lot. Having a relationship with Jesus has been priceless… he was the one who saved me. I was actually able to go back to school, finish my degree and I’m now in grad school (and I love it!). I feel like there are a million possibilities in my future, even in what could happen tomorrow. I still get sad and sometimes feel like giving up, but now I know there’s hope. I’m a lot stronger for what happened to me. Life is so good, and everything is beautiful in its time.

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    • By the way — I owe so much to my dad, that I wanted to mention him especially for calling me, taking me in, and giving me a place to heal when I needed it most.

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  37. Your story is really helpful & in many ways identical to my own, I’m a 34 yr old mother of 2, married for 6 years, happy marriage, good job, & then it all came crashing down!!! I’m on my 7th month of my NB & still can’t get out of bed.

    I was sexually abused in my teens by a family member, then 20 yrs later that family members son tried to abuse me??!!??

    For the life of me I cannot understand how life can be so cruel.

    I pretended the 1st instance of abuse never happened for 20 years as my mother said it was nonsense & just allowed him back in the house. I actually got the blame & was called a tart!!

    Then 20 years on & my own brother tries the same even tho he knew previous allegations.

    My family keep confusing me with alternate explainations for what was said & done on those occasions. I know what happened i was there!! But they are making me feel like im the bad one.

    Please some one help me as i just cannot see a way out of this hell. That is what this is, HELL, i feel like i’m in my own ‘Dantes Inferno’, just sliding down each vestibule to get to my own ultimate hell at the bottom.

    Thanks in advance! X

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  38. I see I am not alone. To all of you who have written and shared your experiences. Thank you. I feel your pain and I hold you in love to the best of my ability and from a distant place. But my heart is with you because i understand. One thing I don’t resonate with is that I feel alone in one aspect which may be that I just don’t know your full stories. But in my situation I have so much to be thankful for and its so hard to marry having a breakdown with my circumstances for which I have so much to be thankful for.
    Truly I have so much in my life that is good and beautiful and yet I have realized that I am and have been having a mental breakdown. Its been ‘building’ for years and began when I moved countries, came back to Africa. The pressures, my relationship with my husband, and my faith have all escalated out of control and I feel like a pot that has cracked under extreme mental pressure and torment. I have been so scared that I am actually going insane because I haven’t been able to control my thinking. My mind is a place of such turmoil and torment I have been afraid of myself and afraid of the consequences of not being able to control my thinking. I have always been overweight and yet in the last 6 months I have lost nearly all of it and yet the breakdown has only got worse. I guess I always knew losing weight would never bring peace or happiness but I hoped it would make life better. In some ways it has. I love to exercise now as I love the feeling of having legs with some umph in them. But my demons with food persist and I do well but then binge. I exercise but then get so depressed I have literally no physical energy and can’t move myself through life. I feel as if when I walk even through the house its like moving through peanut butter. Then I ‘feel better’ for a bit and get back on a healthy eating plan and exercise again but always with the fear of the next binge or state of mental torture.
    But my mental state has got worse and worse until I can’t sleep at night, I have uncontrolled outbursts of anger. I get so angry at people and things and I hate everything. I isolate. I withdraw. But still I have to keep up the pretenses of life. I have to keep going with life because of my children and what other choice is there. But sometimes its so overwhelming and confusing because I do keep going the best I can and then something goes wrong and I cannot cope. I lose control, I go mental, I stew in toxic thinking, I can’t forgive, I don’t want to forgive people. And anger, anger boils up in me and I behave abominably in front of my kids and husband. It scares my daughter. i am constantly having to apologize and explain as age appropriately as I can that its just that I wasn’t coping with life at that moment.
    I can’t tell friends I feel I am insane or going insane. I am afraid of even voicing those thoughts because my husband always says he is scared when i say it to him because it will come true if I keep saying it. Well I don’t think I was saying it for no reason, I have been ‘losing it’.
    Reading your story from 3 this morning (I’m new to blogs and can’t see what your name is) has made me feel not alone and that there is hope. That even though I feel as if I am going over the edge that that doesn’t mean I will spend the rest of my life in a mental institution.

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  39. i tried to read you blog link but said i needed an invite, may I…. i happen to be continplating suicide myself i have been walking around all day trying to not put that gun in my mouth and pull i am dealing with being 40 yrs old and no job or career or car i just had a baby thats now 1 that will never know his dad because the father wants nothing to do with him i have no friends the one i had my bf is found a new woman that he confides everything in and after 9 years hes told her more in 2 weeks of his life ill never know and a relationship that my x no longer wants to work through…. im getting no support from him when i tell him these things he doesnt care i feel he wants me to die…. when i was attempting this 2 years ago he was encouraging me to go through with it and said to me that i didnt have the guts to go through with it….. i really want to show myself him and everyone else i can end this heartache and pain inside….
    i cant take anymore and the pain of him not understanding how much i love and care for him hurts me to the core…. literally to death…..

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    • I have been through that … and sadly beyond… What I can tell you is this, IT WILL GET BETTER. We don’t ask ourself anything when we are happy but as soon as we are feeling bad, we cannot stop thinking about it, because of this we put too much value to our bad thought. Here are the mistake I have learned, close friend don’t alway have the answer and even if they want to help, they can’t always do the right thing. Try to show him that you can kill yourself, will only hurt every one and you the most (trust me on that one). I am not sure where you are, but the best advice is, go and seek help from professional, go and see your GP, he might send you to a Spy, or give you something to help you.
      Now, what is better, to have loved and lost, or to have never loved. Stop thinking about what you lost, think about the good time you had and cherish them. As for your son, his Dad may not want to have anything to do with him now, true for today, it will be his son for always, trust me he will change his mind, just give him some time. It is not an easy time, and it is not easy to get out of it, but baby step will get you out. Another problem is when we are like that, we do not think properly, we think a lot but not well. Try to find something you like, something contructive, bad thing are like alcohol is nice but will hurt you later, or too much sweet will give you weight problem later, good thing can be watching a funny movie, check utube for the last prank, call family, see your neighbour, read a book/magazine, surf the net for the latest joke….not for depression (too many bad stories). You probably heard :” the drop that make the vase overflow” leave that one aside, get a new vase to fill up, one drop at a time, with GOOD thing. Show yourself that you can be happy again, show your son that you can be happy, and later, like me, show other that it can be done, because ….it can be done….being happy is normal, being sad is just as normal, yes painful but normal.
      There is a book called “the happyness trap” by Dr Russ Harris, I find it great.

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    • Dear April. I understand you and your feelings so well. I was once in a very similar situation and I tried to end my life. I did not have a kid back then, but was just recently left by my life partner. He left me without an explanation and he refused to talk to me, let alone acknowledge our time together. We were together for 8 years. A week after he left me, I found out, he actually had a new girlfriend and as with you, he actually seem to confide in her. She was so much closer to him, then I had ever been. I was devastated to the point that I actually considered suicide and let me tell you I actually went through with it and it was awful. From my perspective now, it seems like the most dumbest thing, I have ever done in my life and i could not be more thankful to be alive. I tried to overdose on tablets. I crushed them up and put them in a bottled of vodka. I drank it. To this day I can not understand why I am alive. I was increadibly lucky. I woke up the next day, drowning in vomit. It was horrific. I felt mentally and physically so exhausted, I was not able to move. It was beyond painful. I just wanted to die and not feel the pain anymore. I learnt the hard way that the only thing to be able to heal my wounds was distance and time. The next day i packed my bags and left. I had no money and no job. I did couch surving and stuff. Until, I moved in with a new friend of mine. It took me years until it did not bother me any longer. I feel so free now. Free of pain; free of worry and free of him. I could literally dance on the boardwalk. It took me some time, but I feel exactly like I wanted to feel when I decided to end my life….free

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  40. Three years ago, my husband of 18 years left me in the midst of my 3rd breakdown. Needless to say, what happened after that was the most agonizing, horrible, time in my life, and I’m still not over it. I’ve had 6 breakdowns. Three before he left and 3 after. I have to say that I always suffered some form of abuse in my life, the verbal and mental was the wort. However, I NEVER suffered a breakdown until AFTER I got married! The combination of being bullied at work and then at home was more than I could stand. I became unable to work and don’t have a social life. I want to do things, but can’t. I have panic attacks every time I try to do anything that I used do in the past (during those time periods of emotional pain) because it brings it all back to the surface.

    I’m terrified that I will have another one. I lost my mother 5 months ago, and could lose my dad at any time. I know how I feel just before I have them and the way I’m feeling is scaring me.

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  41. I think that you have described things well ..However two years on..I find I am becoming less capable again.i gave everything to starting a new business as I couldnt find employment. .but now im failing in it and there is nothing left to live for, some people dont reco
    ver they just try but fail..then die

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    • Recovering from a breakdown is a long and arduous journey, often with many pitfalls along the way. Since I wrote this post back in 2007, I myself have had periods where everything was fine and looking up and many periods where I didn’t think life was worth living. I’m currently stuck somewhere between the two.

      The trick I learned the hard way is not to give up…ever. Stick with it, please, there is always something to live for…even if you can’t see what that is at the moment! :)

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  42. I had a breakdown in late 2012, I am barley starting to recover. But I broke after being involved with a Sociopath boyfriend. Anyone out there know the damage a Sociopath can do to it’s victim. You know where I am coming from….nuff said!

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    • I know exactly the damage a sociopath can do to someone…nearly seven years on from my breakdown I’m still feeling the effects of it and her abuse. Sorry to hear about your breakdown, but remember that things can (and will) get better! :)

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    • I know what you are going through. I just found out my brain broke from years of stress and abuse . Most scary thing in the world to lay in a bed because your head is so mentally exhausted to get your body to move even to go to the bathroom.

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  43. Wow reading all these posts doesn’t make me feel that I am alone, there are others out there suffering like me. I had a nervous breakdown in May 2013 after my husband admitted to committing adultery after 28 years of marriage. I am still in treatment. He had an on-going affair for 5 years and I never knew a thing. He told me because the other woman was going to get in touch with me and tell me everything. She is also married. I have kicked my husband out of our home. We have adult children that have moved on with their lives and they know what has happpened, and are there for me 100%. I am going to get a divorce and get better, it will take time but I will survive! Stay strong people, it will get better. God Bless you all!

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    • Don’t give up on your hubby. He will regret his actions and want u back. This happened to me. I took my hubby back after a 3 year affair and forgave him which was the hardest ting I have ever done. That was what was best for us. We enjoy our 2 children and their mates ,and 5 grandchildren, I took me 2 years to start getting over his affair but I am so glad I did. We are a happy couple now and it is never spoken about. You can be happy again. : ) God will help!

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  44. You’ve been through so much. My partner is depressed due to work, and undoubtedly exhausted from dealing with me, so I’ve been experiencing a slightly similar situation. I personally feel that suicide is never the option. That doesn’t mean that o don’t feel like everyone would be better off without me, sometimes. But anyway, I wish you the best, and hope that you feel happier very soon.

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  45. I honestly believe that I have been going through a nervous breakdown for the past 2 months or so. I googled it, because I do not want to feel this way. I feel like such a sack of shit emotionally. I have to make such an effort to pretend to be even content while I’m at school. When I get home I feel so drained from just trying to function, even menial conversation is so hard for me. Let alone trying to do the actual school work. Every other year I’d been such a good student, my poor grades as a result of this breakdown are making things worse. I’m in my last year of high school this is a very inconvenient time for me to feel this way but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do. I feel like nothing I can do will help. I’m an artist, drawing helps a little. Lately nothing I do seems to help, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until life has changed. Unfortunately I know that is not going to happen. My mother is a drug addict I’d been living with her and my step father for about 5 years. I was completely miserable, but it was different than right now. I didn’t want to come out of my room, because those two violently fought so often. I would rather feel this horrible than go back to that. I had friends that mean a lot to me there. I left because I felt it was necessary for my sanity. The irony in that right now is amazing. However, my mother tried to control me through emotions and I was at my wits end, I told her I’d rather her not talk to me for a while. Since then, I’ve phoned her twice and gotten no answer, and left messages. She has not tried to contact me in response or at all in three weeks. It makes me feel…I’m not sure, not good anyway. I do miss my friends. I have none here. I don’t even care, I cannot find it within me to care enough to try to make friends, it just doesn’t appeal to me. I have a hard time making the effort to carry a 2 minute conversation. It’s hell. I miss a friend of mine that passed away due to cancer. I feel like a failure because I was not there for her the way I would’ve liked to have been because of where I lived. I do not self harm, and I don’t want to kill myself. However, I do feel that death would be nice. I feel that way because I’d much rather be with my friends and family that have passed on than live and feel like this. This is not living. I am…grateful that I’m in a more stable environment now. I’m lonely though. I think that has a lot to do with this. I spend most of my time on the computer, unable to do anything productive. Sleeping is also something I do a lot. I feel tired all the time. I hope I can pull myself out of this somehow, soon. I am grateful that you shared your experience with a nervous breakdown, and that so many others have. I feel less alone now.

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  46. I RECENTLY HAD A BREAKDOWN DAY AFTER FATHERS DAY THIS YEAR (2013) AND WOUND UP IN THE HOSPITAL FOR A WEEK. IT HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT ROAD AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE ACCORDING TO MY THEROPIST.I HAVE MANAGED TO GET SOME THINGS FROM MY PAST, BUT I HAVE GOOD DAYSA ND BAD ONES.IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND UNLESS THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED A DEPRESSION EPISODE THEMSELVES.IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME TO RECOVER, THIS I KNOW, BUT MY GOAL IS TO GET WELL AGAIN. THANX FOR SHARING.

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  47. I’ve gone through alot fighting it isn’t easy ,i don’t have any friends I’m afraid. I’ve constantly lived in bed for three years now. And i mean all day, i won’t get up at all. Im afraid, this has gone on for so long now i can bearly get around. Cananyone hhelp me?

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  48. Thanks for writing this; it’s the first time I have felt that someone understands the experience. My experience, though different, was the same. I was in a psyche ward briefly the first time and had a less severe “breakdown” a couple of years ago.

    I am finding it frightening to take the later steps to recover this time. I think I am scared it will happen again.

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  49. I also had similar experience in my life. If I correctly remember then it was due to stress , loneliness and metal fatigue. Although I recovered from it but one big problem I had as result of this or may be earlier was that I was little nervous while speaking in group, so I am not sure what causes nervousness to me! I tend to loose my contents which I prepare and finally end up as blank face during some meetings. I have tried to cope up with these situations by being more alert and forgetting about who is standing in front of me. But still I am not so much confidence if I am being looked upon for people or if I have to carry myself in front of large audience. I am happy that here people may help me out in sorting things

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  50. I opened a business 4 years ago and it was an overnight success. But I was working everyday and going 4 months with out a day off, knowing that if I didn’t take care of it no one could. Then my mom really got sick and became more needy of my time. My hubby would constantly say do this, take care of this, call him, order this yadi, yadi , yadi…..
    Then last fall mom really got sick and I had to pretty much take care of her and listen to all of her problems, they won’t listen to me, they give me the wrong medicine, why is this happening yadi, yadi, yadi. I do not have many if any friends but my mom was always the person I could run to and now she was not the person I needed and I had to be the person I needed for her. Not that I am complaining its just that I had no outlet.
    This past Jan mom turned for the worse and after a horrible four months she passed April 7th. I was told by my employees go and we will take care of everything, and that is what I needed to hear. I owned the largest bridal shop in the state with a stellar rep and in 4 months these girls put me out of business. I came back to a total nightmare, all three channels of TV’s reporters at my house and shop. People writing and calling me saying they hoped I died, my children 7 & 8 died and one even wrote me how they were going to break my legs and knee caps with a baseball bat. This was all from people that never entered my shop just nightmare people getting on the social media train to kill my business. The TV reporters reported that I stole money from brides and gave no dresses, when in reality the bride they were working with outh her dress 2 years ago and left in my shop for a year and a half because her house smelled of dogs. She had it on one week earlier and I closed for two days and she started all of this. The TV reporters did not say or show the sign on the door.
    Needless to say I have a shop that I had to close. My husband is on me all the time open it, answer the phone…… I cannot, physically can not. I shutter at the phone ringing or the door open, just paralyzed in fear. I cannot even go to the store in this little Podunk town with out people saying horrible things to me. My employees jumped ship and left me to sink, one even started like a campaign to make me look bad to advance her hubby running for mayor.
    No on understands it I am at a wits end. I have always been the rock the one others come running to, I am a weak , frail, useless shell of a human being. If it was up to me I would hide in bed all day and shrivel till I faded away. My hubby makes it so not easy for me, I lie to him all the time now because he will not realize I need time and he keeps asking me things and I tell him what ever he wants to here so he will not yell. His temper outburst are just getting out of control. He says I do nothing and I need to get back up on that horse. He does not realize I will die, my heart feels like it will just stop and I will die. He did something I couldn’t belive the other day, my pet is a blue and gold macaw, and we sit and cuddle for an hour or two everynight, well hubby was mad and I think he was just striking out but he went to grab my bird out of my arms and I kicked him and said do not every think of hurting my baby. He has never hurt me but he is getting very violent in out burst, throwing and screaming…..
    I wish I could just go away, I am so tired of people. I need a island for six months. If I didn’t have kids I would deffinatly killed myself by now, I just could not put that mess on my kids.
    Looking for a way out……

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    • My heart goes out to you, Christine. I am also self-employed with business doing badly and it is extremely hard when all that pressure is on you. Better or worse, I don’t know, but I don’t have any employees as have never been able to afford to take people on, but I can identify strongly with the pressure you feel. God bless your little pet that is giving you sustenance right now, I am the same with my pet. I am not in a relationship, which sometimes helps, sometimes hinders. Can I make a suggestion to you? Wait till your husband is in a fairly calm mood and show him the post your wrote above and the whole thread. Maybe he will understand a little better then. I hope things are even a little better for you very soon. x

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  51. Bless you I have been there twice noone warned me that once you experience this it is more likely that it will happen again. I place myself under too much stress and crashed again HARD. I am slowly crawling out of the rabbit hole Best wishes for your happiness

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  52. Hi. Im going through the exact same thing :-( would u like to talk? Im in need of a friend right now. Mine all started when my best (and only) friend had a siezure infront of me in my house. It was the worst moment of my life. I tried to run (selfish I know) but I couldnt as my partner stopped me.. because he was just as scared as me.. she fell of my kitchen chair and my partner caught her just before she hit her head on the floor.. at that moment I ran outside and grabbed a woman passing by to help.. I got my phone and rang an ambulance. While on the phone to the ambulance I could hear the woman shouting “shes not breating.. I cant find her tounge” at this point I was shaking tremendously.. the woman on the phone was telling me what to do but was saying I was responsible until the ambulance arrived. . Wow.. I couldnt think straight I couldnt see straight.. I couldn’t breath.. panic attack! Then my friend came out of my house wobbeling and staring at me with her arms out.. I was so scared. She then fell over the bush outside my house and again my partner caught her.. the ambulance turned up finally and I was in total shock. My whole body was shaking. I couldn’t speak. I was numb…from that day onwards (20/9/13) I have never felt myself. :-( I feel like ive forgot who I was.. I feel like im floating through thin air when im walking.. I cant sleep more than 5 hours.. I couldnt eat for about 4 weeks after although thats ok now as im on meds which make me hungry. Ive been to the docs 3 times.. 1st time the doc prescribed me fluxotine.. I am not depressed but at that point I didnt no what I was or what was happening so I just agreed. Anyway they didn’t work they made me worse. 2nd time I went I was prescribed propronalol. Im still on them now.. I feel asif there notworking anymore. 3rd appointment I was prescribed mirtazapine 15mg to take at night to help me sleep. They dontmake me tired at all. I feel like my body is not controlled by me. I have intrusive thoughts about wierd things. I obsess that ive lost my mind. I don’t no what to do anymore. I don’t think I can cope. I struggle to get through the day. I dont understand whats happening to me. My face feels numb. My ears feel blocked. I have severe panic attacks all day everyday. I cant stop thinking that ive lost my mind and im so scared. Also I feel asif im not on this planet. And when I talk to people I feel like what im saying isnt making sence and feel asif they are looking at me asif ive lost it. So I try and avoid conversation. I have 3 kids and a boyfriend but ive been staying at my mums as my house makes me feel worse. This is ruining my life. Please help me someone? Ive also seen mental health but they just seem to think its the results of a trauma and its normal. Its not normal.. I don’t want to feel like this anymore I cant even take my kids school without having a panic attack. I was a very confident person before this and I went places on my own all the time. :'(:'( please help

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    • Hi Jessica,
      Your post caught my eye. I do hope you have improved since you wrote here. It always shocks me when I hear how offhand professional people are when someone is suffering like you are. I am not a psychologist but I have had to study this subject for two years now and I have a heart for people and love to help others in any way I can. First of all, the seizure of your friend was not your fault. You did nothing to bring it on. You were like a spectator at a game and the game went wrong. Secondly, you did the best you could do. You ran outside. This was an instinctive reaction to get away from the problem yet help in some way: i.e. find some help. I think you have an extremely good reactive sense.
      Thirdly, you were successful in getting help for your dear friend.
      Fourthly, you stood your ground until the paramedics arrived.
      In all four of these I give you five stars (perfect) for reaction.
      Fallout:
      Because this was your very best and only friend, of course you are saddened, maddened, frayed. This is your friend and you care.
      It is not a crime to care. Not only do you care, you care so deeply that you are hurt by your friend’s seizure.
      Healing:
      You have suffered a serious trauma, it is as if you suffered the seizure that your friend had because you are close.
      Treat yourself as though you had the seizure. Take time out to do mundane stuff, smell the flowers, walk by the sea, run in the sand.
      Use any therapy that helps you as though you had the seizure and need recovery.
      Remind yourself that you did your utmost for your friend and your mind is okay.
      Talk to your mind: tell it to calm down; put the files back in their places.
      Block out the intrusive thoughts: tell them to stop. Take control of your mind.
      Rub your face and tell your brain to restore its sensitivity. Do that until it happens.
      Lie down on the earth and smell the grass (find a clean patch) and smell the earth, see the sky. Tell your brain, “I am alive. On earth.”
      When you talk to people, remind your brain that a person is talking to you and tell it to listen. Take a few deep breaths, stand with your feet apart for stability, or sit down.
      If you cannot comprehend their words, just nod your head and say something like, “I will think about that.”
      Or if you feel bemused, say, “I need to sit down.”
      When you feel comfortable, “What were you saying?”
      Do not exclude yourself from talking to people. I believe that talking is the best way to solve most problems.
      If the person is sympathetic, share your bad experience, your concerns for your friend.
      Your house is not to blame. Don’t blame the house as it is just bricks and mortar. It is your house and you need to reclaim
      ownership of it. It is your children’s home, their place of refuge.
      It seems as if you fear going through another bad experience again.
      Can you change the decor? Paint the walls? Get new furniture? Get your kids to do paintings for the walls.
      If you are renting, it may be difficult and maybe you can rent elsewhere.
      What you need now is support of people who care about you, like your mum.
      I wish you all the very best. I pray a lot and it helps enormously. If you have faith, pray a lot.
      You are a sweet, sensitive person who has suffered a trauma and now you need lots of TLC.
      Is your friend okay?

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  53. Hi Addy!
    Thank you for managing this forum so well. I read every post and have hope for all of us!
    Much love, Judy

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  54. Have read yr story twice now…..it has so made a lot of things clearer to me …as I’m recovering from my 2nd breakdown….thank you for sharing and I hope we get to be in a lot better state mentally and physically in time…wishing u all the best.
    Lisa.

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  55. I remember when I had a nervousness breakdown it was only 4 months ago I’m 19 and everything just seemed to be too much for me to handle. At the age of 12 I started staying home with my two younger brothers who are dignosed with autism to get them off the bus sand watch them for about5 hours till my parents got home. I had to skip out on after school activities and even getting to hang out with my friends. I slowly became a hermit and my once bubbly overly social personality had been hidden from the world. Than when I was 18 my aunt who lived with us at the time tried to commit suicide. I played the image of her in my head everyday for the longest time. One day I finally had enough I just let my self go completely and I ended up in a mental hospital for a week. They dignosed me with bipolar but after go to many different perfesonals I was dignosed with post traumatic stress disorder. My life is getting better but I’m still depressed because of the crazy things I did durning my melt down and I also had most my melt down at school which made it 10 times worse.

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  56. I found this post very helpful, and I want to thank you. I’ve spent the last seven years of my life resentful toward my father because of his continuous mental breakdowns starting when I was 15 years old. I had to deal with my father in and out of mental hospitals, while my mother battled cancer and other ailments, and so, so much stress. Needless to say, I felt depressed and alone for years, and instead of loving my father and accepting him, my anger was my defense mechanism so he couldn’t hurt me emotionally anymore.

    As I studied abnormal psychology in college, we were asked on our first day if we would marry somebody that we knew had a mental disability. My immediate answer was absolutely not because I experienced that type of marriage through my parents.

    I met and fell in love with somebody. I had never been happier, and after spending months getting to know and love each other, that constant feeling of lonesome and depression slowly faded for me. There were little signs three months in that everything emotionally with him wasn’t perfect because of his childhood and things that happened when he was a teenager. With our relationship, and working full-time, and still in college while having a house and bills and debt, his stress was building and he never told me. Long story short, my boyfriend is experiencing the beginning of a breakdown, and it is the hardest thing to go through after everything with my father.

    I hate to admit that what we are going through has given me the insight to understand and love my father again, and I’m thankful for that. Your post really helped me understand what my boyfriend is going through emotionally, because I know he doesn’t want to tell me everything and in his words “bring me down with him.”

    Your advice on how to fight an emotional breakdown gave me some comfort on how to help him in this situation. It made me pick up the phone and call my him and say, “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay and to say goodnight” after not wanting to talk to him the entire day because it hurts to hear him not be himself.

    So thank you.

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  57. Thankyou for sharing this honest account of your experiences. I experienced two breakdowns, the first in Gaza (where i was working at the time) after my father died and the second just after I got married to an abusive, controlling guy with a drug, alcohol anger problem . My recovery since then (only really possible after i escaped from my ex husband having finally realised I couldn’t fix him nor he me) has been in fits and starts, the main challenge was fighting with myself to take more time to recover before returning to work vs the prospective benefits of working again. I know my work stresses me excessively and until I have better awareness of my rights I will not be able to protect myself from falling down again, however I also learned that I have to fight my anxiety to get better so sometimes finding the right decision: whether to push through the fear or take it as a warning to avoid the potential danger, is extreemely hard to navigate. I am a humanitarian worker so my job involves huge emotional stress but it’s also rewarding plus its all I have ever done. Right now the biggest battle is to find the strength to choose a lighter path that will be kinder to me and allow me to continue a constructive recovery. When my work has been such a big part of my life and identity and has driven me through many tough times it makes throwing away the experience /skills learned and this coping mechanism for dealing with my own challenges even harder.

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  58. Thank you tir being so open about a very tramatic time in your life. I am experiencing everything you have mentioned and some. It’s , well i even yste tovsay this , but its relieving to know im not alone. At yhe same time i dont wish this upon anyone. Thanks for your gift to me. Thats how i see it. Not many people understand this , don’t care to and would rather not deal with it , or the ripper is they think you ttying to take the easy eay out. If they goyod onoy he me for one hour they might chsnge the way they have judged me. There id no feeling like ehen your at this point in the break rien snd uour clutching, grasping , for anything something to take uoy out of it , nske it stop. But when the person you trust the mist tutns on you and days get s grip grow up your lazy, stop using that as a excuse. For me my life just went from barely existing to non existance, as well as I felt no way out st that point.
    Thank you for opening up with something so personal. Grateful to you.

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  59. I have been denying the reality of my circumstance upbringing and society has led me to believe I have to internalize. That there is no place for.” Personal” issues. I have struggled with depression and feelings of worthlessnes since EARLY childhood. I have experienced what I can now only refer to as breakdowns many times in my life. And here I am. Another Christmas coming and I’m no better off than I was Christmas 5 yrs ago. In fact probably worse. I have nothing left for my family. I was laid off again. Only this time. It was completely my fault. The mother of my child has no respect for me. (Why would she, just last week I sold my car and possessions to post her bond) my parents and siblings have all but given up on me. And just yesterday. My home, which was not even mine. Was burned down. If I’m not struggling through a breakdown. Then God help those of you who are. Ive felt as though I’m beating my head against a wall. And somethings gotta give. And I tell you. That wall shows no signs of giving. But I know I cannot quit. I cannot give up for it is then and only then will I have truly lost. This article had me crying as soon as I started reading it. It gives me hope to hear all of your stories. Thank you all for sharing. May your holidays be full of happy times and yours lives know true joy. For those of you facing true darkness ahead, do not turn back and do not stop pushing. Because somewhere for each of us there is something great out there. Good luck.

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    • I’m sorry to hear that all is gone on…are you without a place to live? Do you need any belongings ,clothes shoes jackets blankets pillows feel free to mail me back at e.blayne12@gmail…You can come spend Christmas with my son and I.

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  60. Addy, You are one of the most courageous people in the whole of Australia and in the world. Also, you sound as if your cognition are functioning very well, as you relate your story with sincerity and truth. You are a role model for those who fear to tell anyone, let alone the world, that they had or are having a meltdown of their functions because they fear ridicule or criticism of some kind. You hit the nail on the head by step one, sharing your inner sanctuary with us here, and this must surely be a big step towards better mental and physical health for you. But, what can anyone do if the person literally does not admit to having a problem, continues on his/her way? Please let everyone know that some people do care about others, even if they are in a tizzy about how to help. I wish you success in your life and that all your dreams from your past and future come true. Thank you heaps for being here today. You have helped me to keep trying to help others even if they are stubborn and their walls are high. God bless you.

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  61. i m facing it what should i do

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  62. @12345 What are you facing? Where are you at emotionally and mentally?

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  63. I read this blog entry and it was like my own voice talking to me. I grew up with a sociopath for a mother and have been battling with depression since I was 11. I self harmed once when I was 12 and when she saw what I did, she threatened to throw me into a psychiatric hospital. I’ve been suicidal etc since then also. Right now, I’m going through what feels like a mental breakdown and it’s taking all my will not to let go of this string that’s keeping me tethered. One thing about feeling like this is how isolated you feel, even before you manage to push everyone away.

    Anyway, off topic. Thanks for writing this.

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  64. Im having my first serious one now within 48 hours. Im typing on my cell in a parking lot after I was kicked out again and I gave up trying to sleep. Ive always felt alone my life but this loneliness is horrific right now.

    I have been leaving work early (due to not feeling mentally well) recently and I am worried about my job. So I came home early, my dad was upset–hes a loudmouthed ‘handle things his way” guy and I wasnt havin it. I tried to sleep as he taunted me then I snapped. I punched 10 or 15 times (hes much bigger than me) he let me punch him. I ran into another, room broke down, then confronted him again this time he slapped me then I slapped him back until he choked me. We said some awful things now im out in my car alone and not knowing what to do. Ive cried for so long

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  65. Hello,

    Thank you for the blog. I hope you are feeling and doing better. I am going through a break-up myself and even though I haven’t been as much as you have, trust me, I can still understand. You are doing a fantastic job here and I am sure that you will be better than ever, soon enough. Sometimes we get what we want when we least expect it. Hold on to your hopes and efforts.
    Take care and thank you for sharing your insights with all of us.

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  66. How does it end? Do you just feel better one day or does it fizzle out little by little? How do you cope with everything on a day to day basis while you want to curl up and hide? My family (husband) mainly is getting the brunt of it but it is starting to ooze into other parts of my life. I have a December 30 deadline for something that is impossible to meet but has to be met nonetheless.

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  67. Susan, you poor darling, how terrible this is for you. The thought of this deadline is making you worse, so put it aside in your mind and remember that it is possible and it will be done but in its own time and in your way. I remember hearing someone saying, “People are more important than programs” You are more important than the deadline and so must put yourself first at this time. Your health and attitude has to improve so that family members don’t suffer as well as you.
    Think about a little crab, buried deep in the sand. All we can see is a few bits of sand being shot out of the beach. The sand keeps getting pushed out and little crab never stops (except for a rest) until all the sand on top of him or her leaves a big enough hole for him to crawl through. How lovely when it reaches the top of the sand-pile. That is you, Susan. You will be like that funny little crab, pushing your way upwards until you get to the top of the pile.
    Never stop praying all the time. You do not have to know proper prayers, just calling out, “Help Lord” is enough. Kneel, cry, curl up but keep pushing through the pain. This is your moment to bless and not to curse self or family. God bless you. I care.

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  68. I am so glad I found this blog.I just found out 2 days ago my dear sister had another nervous breakdown..I had no idea that so many people had gone or is going through the same.It hurts me to see my 23 year old sister going through this again.Last time it took her a whole year to get better.I am so scared for her.She is in another city with my mom,and my poor mom is taking all…My sister is becoming aggressive and has said she wants to end her life.My sister loves God,people,she is so full of dreams.She was volunteering a whole year,doing amazing work.She has a big heart!It is so unfair she has to go through this again!I wish I could do something to help her..besides praying..I phone her and my mom everyday to try to calm her down and affirm my love to her.
    She is going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow..I am hoping they are able to find meds to calm her down…
    Thank you for sharing your experience

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    • I had to reply to you, Ruth, so thanks to Addy we can post encouragement here. You are doing the most important and best thing you could ever do for your sister, showing her that she is loved. Something must have upset her and maybe she should talk about it: to the psychiatrist perhaps today. I hope so. God is here with you too, even if it seems strange. We are complex creations and have difficulty getting to the root of problems. Keep praying for her and ringing her with affirmations. If she is happy to talk, encourage her to do so because that is such an important step for healing. “Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for Lord, you are with me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. My cup is full to the brim.” This is my prayer for your sister, Mom and you, Ruth, and all who pass by here. Amen.

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  69. Thank you for sharing this story! I feel a lot better knowing I’m not the only one who goes through this.

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  70. Just a word of encouragement to everyone suffering after a breakdown.
    You WILL get better but it takes time, how long will vary from person to person.
    I’ve had lots of mini breakdowns and one huge one nearly two years ago that stripped me of everything, laughter, sorrow, empathy, every single emotion was stolen from me.
    Nearly two years later I’m still healing and everything is coming back slowly, I’ve still to get back my enthusiasm for hobbies but I now have most of my emotions back.
    Just give yourself time to heal, your body and soul knows how long it needs to heal itself but your ego will want it healed quicker.
    Be patient and kind to yourself and most importantly don’t beat yourself up.

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  71. Neil,
    Thank you for the words of encouragement! In regards to the EGO wanting to rush the healing process, no truer words can be spoken! I am on the better side of my nervous breakdown 21 months ago. Feelings are coming back, energy is hit and miss. There is a light at the end of this tunnel!
    Happy Holidays

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  72. Iv been here. In my past Iv said and done horrible things to those i love but who hurt me during my breakdown. So much so I cannot recollect them what I did
    Because this demon wasn’t me. But through shame I repressed it

    Iv found forgiveness from those closest; but the few others who weren’t true friends looks at me like I am evil/mad/psychotic.

    I don’t know how to get past that because they didn’t care to know that I had lost my mind.

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  73. I forgot to say thank you for this post and all the others here who shared. Xx

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  74. During my decline and breakdown I said some awful things to people close to me. I am on the upside of the breakdown, the things I said and the people I lost are gone forever. Looking back I can see the things I said to those people were the absolute truth and me having a big heart and over looking bad behaviors (which had the biggest hand in my break down) never called any one out. When I became sick and these people (mostly family) kept pulling at me, demanding, “suck it up you have a business to run) I had enough. Funny when I slapped the truth upside their heads, they were hurt and angry. As I once told my mother when she was telling me how hurt and devastated my words were, I told her to get in line….MY feelings and needs come first for the first time in my life. I do not miss the parasitic people I seemed to have an over abundance of. I just recently read a great book, love fraud 12 signs of a Sociopath. I was always the perfect bait for this type of person, I was raised by 2 sociopaths!! Most people who have had a breakdown are kind people, we FEEL others pain and want to help to our own detriment. Yesterday I was alone for Christmas, I started out feeling pathetic and then reminiscing about past family Christmas gatherings. All ended the same, if there was not screaming, crying and something broken; it just was not the holidays!!
    Yesterday I had yummy food, watched 2 seasons of Breaking Bad, took a nap. It was the most peaceful holiday ever!!

    Addy,
    I read the letter yesterday you re posted on the anniversary, my heart broke for you and I am sending you positive energy full of dancing lady bugs and the warmth of love that you shared on what sounds like the most favorite day.

    May 2014 find us getting healthier, finding happiness, accepting ourselves and keeping the negative at bay.

    All my love and light, Judy

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    • So cool Judy,You do have friends here with me anyway…sometimes it takes some whos gone through hard times to be kind and just let you do for you ..because they care on a principle basis..agape love….love based o principle..xmas is a mans tradition and I am in my fifties ….xmas for fifty ifve year olds? whats that..did it many time for them just worn out…if their not big enough to not gossip because I didnt show up for good reason.well then I guess I’m just ass out of the fifties club oh well..

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    • Thank you for the positive energy. With the anniversary so close to Christmas it’s been a bit of a tough week to get through, but I’m still standing and am quite proud of how well I managed Christmas this year. Like you, I cooked myself some scrumptious food, watched a variety of movies (My Neighbor Totoro, Rio) and played video games, all the while trying not to stress out too much about the day.

      Unlike last year I’m looking forward to 2014, and am currently putting the final touches to my list of goals. I’ve decided to be a little ambitious this year as I’m determined to keep pushing myself toward a healthier, happier version of myself. We’ll see how it goes! :)

      Wishing you a belated Merry Christmas and a wonderful start to the New Year! :)

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  75. Much love to addy and Judy et al.

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  76. I am having one now..I have been diagnosed a long time ago ..and many ties as manic because my mood swings are every three days instead of two weeks. It went on hold enough to push through when my circumstances got alot better. I believe totally that circumstances can make a difference but now I am having an attack I cant control I know from experience this kind of episode needs medical pill intervention. It will snap me out of my constant crying for no good reason..x mas doesnt help
    Just one here to say it is a real brain imbalance and I just dont know how to tell my spouse who has never seen me this way. So hard to plug through just want to sleep today

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  77. Carmilla, please don’t do this alone. See how many here are hurting like you. There is hope. Tell your spouse as this will be the best thing you can do. Unconditional love is what you need. Take a rest and try to remain positive. Tell your brain to take charge of things. Talk to your distress, tell it to calm down. Xmas must be a hard time for you. It brings out the sorrows in life as well as the good. But there is tomorrow and people love you, want you and need you. You need them too. Work this out together and let your spouse be your crutch. You will be surprised at how much he loves you and that can make a difference. Thanks to Addy you are here. You are not alone.

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  78. This is my life now lay in bed practically 24 hours a day.i have to prepare myself mentally just to get up for a few seconds . When I’m not I’m in the bathroom then I lay back in bed. I just cannot believe how my Life has hit the brakes. I remember before all of this I was under a huge amount of stress. I couldn’t handle it .perhaps that made my body malfunction. Whatever this is I’m only 28 years young female with all my life ahead of me and and to live like a 90 year old on there death bed is not a way to live. I just keep telling myself you will make it . It seems like whatever is the cause it effects every cell and process if the body to go haywire. I believe I had my thyroid tested. I just literally felt exhausted and spaced out 2 1/2 months ago and it has manifested into being bed ridden and so bad mental fog I can barley think. I do notice whenever I eat anything my brain gets ‘lit on fire’ have lost the ability to drive and im practicality living like a ‘lizard ‘ with sloth movements. My quality of life has been reduced to 10 percent of what it was. I lay in bed starring out the window most of the day and reading online or getting non refreshing sleep.
    Every test so far has comes back normal .who can help ? just taking a shower is traumatizing the water seems to hurt and i feel faint when standing up but I wonder what’s going on in my system .
    Why was I a healthy normal person a little while ago and now this practically overnight? It’s so frustrating. I want my health back. How can anyone be alive and feel so unhuman at the same time? I’m afraid I will die my sleep so I keep the light on. Everyday I feel so weak and its a constant struggle to stay alive. As depressing as it may sound i told everyone if i dont find a cure goodbye . I even stayed in the hospital for a week ran every test imaginable. With no avail. They just sent me home with a prescription to an anti anxiety med . The dr said its all in my head. And to get up and start running around .that was the biggest joke of my life. I told him if I could would I be here ? wonder where these drs. Get there education. ??? I also notice how reality is distorted now and everything looks as though I’m on something even though I never did acid I can imagine it would look like this. Nothing seems real. It’s so bizarre .light is so bright and sounds. The brain fog is the absolute worst. I cannot comprehend as much as I use to. For an example when I open up a cabinet to get food out of it I know there is a cabinet there but I cannot tell what I am looking at. It’s the most scary thing in the world to have my cognitive impairment get this severely affected for unknown reasons that wont show up on labs .my memory is horrible. I won’t be able to remember what happens 2 seconds ago. And I use to be able to comprehend the television and I just stare blankly at it. Nothing goes in. I wish I would watch movies still but if I watch them and you ask me what’s going on. . I have no clue. And even worse Not being able to connect to people places or animals .it feels like all my “feel good” brain chemicals shorted out. I use to love nature and people and pets now I feel nothing or flat when someone hugs me or I see my dog . I want to care but it seems I am unable for some reason. I don’t even sleep anymore I pass out in pain and wake up in pain 24/7 not being able to use my mind. I feel like I am in prison in my own mind and body. This is not a poor mans disease . I am disabled and I cannot afford a holistic treatment center that I know could probably cure this or provide some sort of relieve . I just want some hope. My body keeps going on and wants to live its taking me for a ride and its such a mind game waking up everyday being bed ridden . I had to temporally move back home to live with my parents for help but I don’t think they know how much pain I am in mentally and physically toture every second of the day . Since coming here I’ve seem to have gotten worse . i am out of options and not sure what to do. I’ve been to so many drs. My mom takes me . i am thankful for her .Just getting in a car almost does me in like I feel I am going to pass out in pain when sitting up in the car ride. All I can think about is getting back home to lay down in the bed . I don’t want to be bed bound but too weak to function anymore. I don’t want to give up. I want to fight this every second of the day I feel like such a zombie and half way in a coma. How did this happen from being normal? And no one can find an answer or cure ? Am I supposed to live like this for the rest of my life ? I get so low and wonder . It’s a nightmare reality .my vision is blurry and my body screams for help. I haven’t found anything to help. I tried magnesium ,vitamins,b12 ,vitamin d ,iron tabs.tylenol These things seem to make me feel worse .i am EXTREMELY SENSITIVE to everything. It’s odd I cannot even use little things like deodorant .
    I’ve spent hours looking up drs. To go do. . You would be surprise how much mental energy goes into just googling dr.s and making an appointment . It’s like the life is sucked out of me and when I finally do get an appointment it’s about 2 months from now. And I know I will have to have a painful car ride there blood drawn for them to say everything is alright. But just laying in bed is accepting defeat. I’ve seen a neurologist , rhemotologist , regular dr.s natural dr.s .
    If I am alive now there must be a cure right?
    Something is serious wrong i know my own body and its scary

    Multiple things going wrong in body?

    I have become so sick and ill with something
    and suffering from the past 3months progressively worse and
    feel so sick something is making me very ill I had to move back
    Home with parents .cant rely on my self anymore .too weak to comb hair

    due to:
    Hair falling out
    Dry flaky skin
    Troubling and scary symptoms as there where not here 3 months ago
    Distorted thinking to the point I walk down my stairs in my house
    and have No clue where I am.
    24/7My head feels underwater
    Debilitating Neuritis, forgetfulness, depressions, , memory lost, panic attacks, less patience and concentration, brain fog
    Too weak to dress myself or dive
    Thoughts are blurry
    Feeling totally out of it as if
    Hooked up to a constant iv of drugs
    Disconnect between vision brain and hand
    Thoughts are not connecting
    Dizzy sun sensitive
    Head hurts and neck sensitive pressure
    Sound sensitivity
    Extreme brain fog
    Weakness ,feeling faint
    Human conscious should not feel this way
    Don’t feel like my personality is the same
    Head feels heavy
    Feel like I’m going to pass out
    Heart beating strange really low
    And palpitations during night
    Things look off
    Blurry vision
    It’s hard to tell whats real
    Colors seem off
    Its hard to judge angles depth ect.
    Static sound ringing in ears
    Trouble forming even a thought
    My hands and legs don’t seem to be attached to me.
    Hard to judge movement
    I slip in and out of consciousness all day
    Insomnia
    Senses are dulled
    It’s strange but I feel like I’m not in my body
    None refreshing sleep
    I don’t feel connected to my body
    I know I’m at home but everything seems unreal
    Lost connection to people places things
    Head feels like its splitting open
    Weak immune system sensation
    Bed ridden practically
    Frequent urination
    Thirst
    Lack of appetite
    Symptoms came on gradually two months ago around sept 2013
    Past week and a half nov.22 symptoms are worse and wont seem to lift
    Before this I was an outgoing fun loving lots of energy hobbies love being around people places
    Trying new things. Now I feel like a shell of former self. I had to move back to my parents and relay completely on them , I am thankful of there help. But I want to be a strong independent person again. I lay in bed looking out the window wondering what this might be everyday and pray it gets better and someone with the knowledge can help.
    Or go away very frustrating and scary
    Horrible horrible Brain fog / feeling drunk 24/7
    Difficulty concentrating/memory horrible cognitive impairment
    memory and learning issues, short gaps in time, clumsy speech, loss of creativity and problem solving skills, forgetfulness, depression, and general confusion among other brain fog symptoms
    Extreme fatigue
    Blurry vision
    Lost the able to drive
    Reduce IQ
    Sensitive to light
    Personality change .not creative lost of interest barley able to socialize
    I feel my immune system is depleted
    No energy
    Depression
    Feel something like heavy” cotton “in my head
    Horrible Pressure around and behind ears felt at all times
    Crying easily symptoms get overwhelming
    Feeling like a shadow of former self
    Anxiety, panic attacks. ,crying about 9 times a day because so overwhelmed with symptoms .
    Feeling “hollow” inside
    Insomnia
    Can’t handle life’s stressors
    Easily overwhelmed
    Isolation
    Feeling no joy feel my mood is flat
    I sense I am no longer producing neurotransmitters no dopamine serotonin ect.
    Brain feels like it shrunk
    Every day task seem impossible (barley enough strength to bath)
    Everything seems to hurt me
    Extremely sensitive to sounds ,smells,noise
    Sensitive to foods and supplements
    My body has some sort of reaction to almost everything (I practically live in a bubble )
    Pms
    Painful menstration
    Stuck in a dream world
    Waking up in the night drenched in a cold sweat
    Waking up with heart palpitations
    Feeling as those lower legs are not attached
    Leg bellow knees feel not attached I feel the urge to move legs just to make sure I am not going paralyzed.everyday my symptoms get worse i have been to the ER room several times no Dr has provided any insight or relief yet. Very frustrating. I know there there is an answer out there somewhere i have hope. :)
    If I could experience a little relief in symptoms I would be happy. I know there is a cure .
    I am in desperate need to get my strength back and move on with my life. Any help of advice would be so much appreciated .thank you so much

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    • Has any dr suggested it would be fibromyalgia ? I have this and believe me its rotten all the symptoms you describe hope you find help, your only young im sure you will of I hope.

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    • I feel exactly the same way only I get up and go to work. Today I had a meltdown and have to see the Dr to get time off work. I am seeing a Naturalpath to help me deal with this without having to take drugs. I don’t sleep all day but feel exhausted all the time.
      I will let you know how I make out. I have a lot of stressors in my life and have for 7 years. Today it caught up with me.

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    • This is the first time I have ever blogged before, but I want you to know this very same thing happened to me. Now I know, what I had was a nervous break down. It happened in January of 2011. In Oct. of 2011 I had finished my masters program and had taken a contracting job. I was working over 8 hours a day and traveling 1.5 hrs each way. I was also studying for my boards and was in a horrible relationship. I was the type of person that would go out of my way to help everyone, except myself. I also wasn’t eating much (trying to be “healthy”) and not sleeping. I had psychosis and my mom ended up putting me in a psych ward. I was hearing voices and thinking I was an angel….and seeing what I thought were demons (actually people). I could go on! I no longer like movies involving individuals going through psychosis because looking back, I know my trip was way better! I can sort of joke about it to myself, but I never talk about all the details. The psychosis gradually faded and I finally stopped hearing voices after 3 months. When it was all over, I had the most awful depression…literally hell! I had the personality changes…almost like a zombie. I literally had no memory, could not connect with people, and was not interested in anything. I would sleep all day because everything was boring and I was tired all the time. Like you, I stared out the window crying and holding on to anything that would give me hope. I thought about suicide every moment I was awake for probably 10 months…. Because of all this, I quit my job and moved in with my mom. I regretted ever going to school, feeling as if I wasted all that time…and then thinking I would never get back to being me. The only thing keeping me going was thinking…what…if I kill myself…that’s the easy way…then what? There would be nothing to fight for. I started working in April of 2011…it probably was too soon, but it’s all I could do to keep going. I had a new job where no one knew what had happened or even how I was before everything happened. Everyone probably thought I was shy, but I literally had no thoughts or way of communicating to people. I went to several doctors and did not get any answers. There seemed to be only few changes in the first year. Then this past summer, I started to feel better. In the past few months, I have noticed I am coming back! I used to think I would never remember all the things I learned in all my years of schooling…but it’s coming back to me! It’s amazing. I know it’s hard, really fuc*ing hard…but time heals. My mom would constantly remind me that my brain was healing, and it was only temporary. I would make to do lists, anything, reading a book, watching television, going to appointments, looking at pinterest for any sort of creativity (Which I had none!), and attempting simple crafts…anything to keep me engaged and to keep my mind working. You will get through this!!! I promise! As far as friendships, I sure lost a lot of “friends”, but I sure found my real ones.

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    • Sara,
      I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this horrible illness at such a young age. I’ve also passed through it from September 2012 to April 2013. I’ve experienced every symptom that you’ve described above. I was under a lot of physical and mental stress and eventually my brain shut down and my body followed suit. After being bed ridden in a very dark room for 6 months, i was finally able to see a Dr. Like you, every test came back normal but the Dr knew that I wasn’t well so he prescribed Paxil and I began taking it daily. It helped me almost immediately. At first I felt high as it relax all of my anxious muscles then after two weeks I began to feel myself little by little. Ive since switched to Lexapro but I was able to regain my life. I did not plan on taking antidepressants. Like you, I tried natural supplements. I researched the best multivitamin and found that Neuro Natural Serenity by Xtend-life from New Zealand was said to be good. I ordered several bottles along with Omega 3. I’ve used Magnesium and B vitamins. Nothing worked. It wasn’t until I gave up and decided to start the antidepressant that the chemicals were slowly restored. Ive been able to take back my life though I’m not fully healed. My recovery has been a long and bumpy road but I’m still going.
      I would love to know how you’re doing now. I pray that you’ve been able to get the help needed to bring you back to life.
      If you can, please leave a message to update us on your condition.
      Sending you all my love, peace, and light!
      xoxo<3

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  79. Sara, poor darling, how you are suffering, it is extraordinary and terrible. But, you have hope, You want to live. Your poor brain and body have been through too much and now they are saying: “I want to rest and recover.” You will recover because your body is able to go into lock-down to repair itself. People who have suffered trauma (like Schumacher) the car driver, are put into an induced coma to recover from their ordeal. You are in a similar situation looking above, except that you wake up for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, etc.
    Hang in there, pamper your poor brain and body, talk to it, tell it you love it and want it to calm down, want it to repair itself.
    I believe that talking to self is a very nurturing therapy. God is with you, watching over you. Call on God over and over and rest.
    Nobody can see into your head, but the hospital could have done MRI scans to see what is going on from a scientific level.
    But, you are loved by your dog and parents and self. All here will be cheering for you, so many know something of how you feel.
    I will be praying for you every day, for healing, for calm, for strength, for courage, for love and help.
    You did really well writing all this down. When you recover you can make a book about this experience and help others, just like you used to not long ago.
    Take heart.

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  80. Sara,

    What you described matches where I was starting February 2012 (except PMS, I had a hysterectomy in1999). You have had a mental breakdown. As you have done, I saw so many doctors and tests for everything. ER visits, a couple of bad therapists and a LOT of drugs “that might help”, they did not. My breakdown manifested Fibromyalgia, please get a pressure point test done by your doctor. Research Fibromyalgia, do not read the blogs; they do not help. Talk therapy with a therapist that is ready to start from birth to you today. Good sleep medication because you are not getting restorative sleep. Try to stretch your muscles while in bed, cry, your body needs it. Go easy on yourself, it has taken years to get here so it will take time to be healthy. Almost 2 years and I’m about 85% on most days. I still have 1 or 2 recovery ( bed days) a week. DO NOT wait more than 2 weeks for a doctor appointment, find a different doctor. The antidepressant, anti anxiety and anti psychoactive drugs they put me on made me worse. I do take Xanax now to help me stay calm. I was not having brain chemistry problems, I have emotional problems that led to my breakdown. Please start with a good psychologist ASAP, with the sociopath please research http://www.lovefraud.com. You will learn what has been done to you, and will learn how to undo what has been done. Start a timeline of events in your life and individual timelines on the sociopath. You will get better! This will take time, dedicate 2014 to rest, therapy and you. Anything more will be a set back. My arms are around you dearest Sara. Sending you love and light.
    Judy

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  81. Hi! It took me almost 2 years to feel my normal. I know all the medications the doctors gave me did nothing but make things worse. I do not have a mental disorder, I have an emotional disorder.

    Best wishes to you. Blessings!!

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  82. I was searching for an explanation of what has precisely happened and I have finally found it. I broke down in 2002, following a stressful move where I was all alone in a big city. At first I started to feel anxious, afraid and panicked but I was determined to make this move work for me. I eventually got to the point where I physically could not feel or process mentally information or my emotions. I have a background in writing, so not being able to express myself was the worst experience for me ever. I had no idea of what was happening, just that I was heading Into the most frightening and isolating experience of my life. I was able to start receiving better medication for this indescribable condition twelve years later, but it has been the hardest fight of my life. I did not understand what I have experienced uuntil I read your story. Thankyou for sharing candidly your experience and for shedding light on this horrific event in so many people’s lives. I know now what I’ve been dealing g with and knowledge is power. Thankyou for helping others acknowledge this advertise in life and for creating awareness. Dixie.

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  83. I know what its like to be in that state if mind. Year after my father past away i experienced one. I actually sliced my wrist and didn’t feel it when it happened. I was numb to everything everyone. My husband had to admit to a hospital to get help. I had to learn ways to help myself. You have to care of yourself before you can help anyone else.

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    • You are a wise person and everyone should take notice of your comment. ‘You have to care for yourself before you can help anyone…” Well done. I hope you are going well now and feeling a lot better.

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  84. This is really good. Authentic. Courageous.

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  85. Really beautifully written

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  86. I feel so sick from this breakdown I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am constantly shaking and feel so low and feel tremendous stress I am very scared. Reading how others are feeling this way does give me hope that I am not alone

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  87. I would like to invite all of you to Come see my blog about how I am over coming a devastating nervous breakdown ONE DIY PROJECT AT A TIME!!!!! it’s inspiring and hilarious. katie-lala.blogspot.com

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  88. I was abused and bullied throughout my childhood, teen years and 20s. Very often through those years, I’d suspect I was on the verge of a NB and it would scare me because I attributed being abused to the abusers going through a NB themselves and so was very afraid of having one myself and causing any harm to others. My strategy was to work very hard to keep myself physically and mentally occupied at all times. The problem was that although I didn’t hurt anyone else, I internalized all of my upsetness, ended up frying my nerves and had a nervous outburst breakdown 3.5 years ago. I’m still healing from 3 decades of abuse and bullying, and from the aftermath of my NB. I feel different now. Sometimes empty on the inside. Sometimes sad. Often angry. Mostly a sense of nonchalance and fearlessness. I know I’m still healing and I intend to see myself through.
    Reading your post helped. I don’t feel so screwed up anymore.

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  89. I’m so glad I found you! I’m not alone after all.

    When I read the article above, I couldn’t believe that someone else had suffered almost identical things to me – the brain shut down, the incapacity to make decisions and hold conversations etc. etc. etc.

    I’m in the midst of the most awful, horrible period of my life and I just can’t see an end to it. I became ill with severe depression in July 2012 but now I realise that it wasn’t depression but a full-scale breakdown. It’s such a bloody lonely place and I so wish that someone could help me, really help me not just pay lip service.

    I lost my much-loved job because my employer simply wouldn’t wait for me to get better. This was a charity that supported vulnerable adults – what was I at the time but a vulnerable adult. They just cast me aside without a care. Eleven years of hard work and loyalty meant nothing in the end! It broke my heart and my confidence completely.

    Since July 2012 I’ve just existed in a void of hopelessness and I can really truly see no end to it.

    I’ve had my fill of doctors, MH staff that pretend that they care and can help, medication.

    All I’ve ever really wanted was someone that would let me tell my story from beginning to end without watching the clock, calling a halt when the hour was up and I was in the middle of saying something that was important to me.

    I’ve gone from a confident, employed, friendly, outgoing, happy person to this morose, sloppy, unclean slob who thinks nothing but negative things and looks constantly on the dark side of everything.

    My husband is getting fed up with me. I know this is true although he says that he’s not. How can he not! It can’t be much fun living with someone like me who struggles with the basics of life such as daily chores etc. He works hard and then comes home to a drudge who hasn’t done anything all day apart from sit at the table watching the world go by but not having the motivation to get up and join the world and get on with things.

    I know this is not making much sense but it’s just my jumbled thoughts and it hurts so much to put them down. My heart hurts almost as much as my mind and I’m so sad that I’ve lost myself in this mire of darkness. I wish someone would hold my hand and help me get back to the sunshine.

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    • Hi Myra,
      So sad to hear of your trauma and how it continues to afflict your life. May I make a suggestion that you record all your experiences and put it into a book for those interested to buy and read. In two ways you will be combating your issues: letting them go by recording them and also helping others. You may also make some money in the process. Contact me if you need help (free) to get you on track as an author. You could start with an ebook at Smashwords and go from there. You write very well already, and if your recorded experiences relate to others and help souls to see that these things happen to good people, maybe it would be therapeutic for all. Best of luck.

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  90. Thank you.

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  91. Thank you for sharing. My spouse is going through a depression state right now. I am having a hard time coping myself and I know it shouldn’t be about me and my kids but about him. But on his road to recovery we all feel abandoned. He no longer lives with us because we and I want to say particularly me and the sight of our house stresses him out that he is now living back with his parents. Who can give him all the attention that he needs which we couldn’t provide.
    Reading your story has giving me some insight. I commend you for being strong and overcoming your illness. I hope my husband will also be able to cope with his depression and bounce back to the way he ways… because we sure miss him. I understand the road to recovery will be a long one…He has his parents and siblings to seek the necessary help he needs to overcome this ailment. At one point, It was a joint effort me and my husband’s family getting him help…but since he started living with his parents, it is now his parents and siblings that are now making the decisions. I have accepted at the last meeting the cold shoulder treatment and resentment from his family as if I was doing anything to help him get better. I only want what is best for him. And I think the less stress he has in his life which is me, his kids and his financial obligations would be better for him since it ways him down and causes more anxiety.
    I hope and pray that he overcomes this and during his months or years of recovery we will be on the sideline stilling loving him and giving our support whenever he needs it.

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  92. First of all, thank you for sharing something so incredibly personal and emotional in such a public forum – that’s an achievement that you should be proud of, although in saying that, sometimes it’s actually easier to talk about one’s feeling / problems etc in a medium like a blog, because it’s like talking to a complete stranger, which can be so much easier than talking to a friend.

    As I write this, I’m currently sitting in the bathroom, feeling physically exhausted yet so mentally alert. Why? Because I think that I’m on the verge of having a complete fucking breakdown. Without going into the details of why, all I know is that I’m a pretty switched on person. I know what I’m normally like, and I know that I don’t normally feel like this. If anything I thought it might be a re-lapse of my chronic fatigue, but it’s so much more than that. I have so much on my mind right now, I feel as though I’m drowning and I can’t get my head above water. Being so heavily analytical, I always consider every possible variable to a situation, which in turn, can become extremely exhausting. So when faced with the thoughts that I might be having a breakdown (well, about to) I feel so completely lost, overwhelmed and utterly, utterly helpless.
    I’ve been doing a bit of reading about the ‘signs’ of a breakdown and with each sign / symptom, I find myself saying “yep… I’m feeling that!” Or “yes, that’s exactly what I’m going through”.

    Granted, I have no idea what sort of process is involved in terms of recovering from a ‘breakdown’ but I think I need to at least START the process – the first step being to make an appointment with my GP And see what she has to say. I can almost guarantee that she’ll refer me to a therapist, and they’ll want to ask me all these questions. I, however, feel as though I best express myself through my writing, and could almost write a novel on all the shit that I’m dealing with, and all the shit that’s going around in my head. Perhaps I should do that and be like “here’s a little light reading for you… Call me when you’re done so we can talk!”

    I know that feeling like this is certainly NOT who I am, and I know that it has taken quite a lot for me to end hovers, feeling the way I do – completely broken- but I’m at least acknowledging that something is wrong and something needs to be done about it.

    I just hope that you have also been finding your own success on your road to recovery.

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  93. Thank you for this. I’m 20 and I had a nervous breakdown a couple months ago. It happened as soon as I woke up one morning, but because everyone seems to think of me as the girl who cried wolf, nobody seemed to understand what I was suffering through. Things are a little better now, but I believe it will take alot of fight in me to fully recover. The damage is done, but I’m determined to get through this on top! 😊

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  94. Ok not to be critical But, to be honest your happiness shouldn’t come from people so much. Your true happiness comes from the man upstairs (Jesus) he is the only one that can fill that void..the world will never give it to you. Unfortunaly we live in a fallen world where bad shit happens people leave accidents ,ect. But honestly instead of thinking how out of control your mind is ..learn to ignore those negative thoughts & focus on all the amazing things you can do for this world that has so much evil in it. Like get your shot together because maybe there’s a kid out there that needs u.& Along the road when your not expecting it God can bring the perfect person into your life. Think about it a lot of people that suffer from this kind of stuff can be really selfish people . Take your eyes off of u and what’s not going great for u and focus on things that are good and helping others. What I do is wear a rubber band on my wrist (not a tight one) if I’m in a whoa is me mode or having a pity party & if I think my thoughts are negative or selfish I snap the rubber band and change my thoughts! It works!

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  95. Hello Heather.
    I am not really sure how you stumbled on to this blog, but stumble you did. It is not a CHOICE to have Mental and/or Emotional illness. I take personal offense to you dismissing such illness as a “pity party”. Before you offer what you may feel as solutions, please educate yourself on Mental/Emotional illness. I am EXTREMELY educated on this subject and the people who are able to survive and at times thrive with much therapy and medication adjustment. A person in a dark depression who can barely function is in no position to help themselves let alone a child or other person in need. Please remove the rubber band from around your neck so blood may once again flow to your brain and stumble on to a blog with subject matter you are educated on. Blessings and forgiveness for your ignorance. Judy

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  96. I’m working my way through recovery from a ‘breakdown’ about two months ago. Everything you wrote I recognised, call me selfish but it was comforting to know someone else has been there. Thank you for putting it out there for people like me.

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  97. This is exactly what I’m going through, except I am homeless with two small boys. I’m starving. I can’t stop crying. I hurt myself on the outside so I don’t feel the pain on the inside. There is no hope.
    I won’t kill myself because of my children.

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  98. I am frightened that this is me for the rest of what ever life I have left, I cry so very much as my nerves are shot. I am pushing my loved ones away and unable to do a job I was once good at. I pray constantly hoping to recover.

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  99. I am in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years and Now feel I am loosing the battle with this. My physiologist and Physchatrist
    have offed endless support, CBT etc etc. but in my very desperate need
    they have abandoned me ,explaining that they have done all they can. Do you
    know what a prfound effect this has had on me. I feel even more alone, isolated at this stage. I have a partner who is not very supportive and not very understanding of the magnitude of my situation. Family & friends are non existent. I have pushed them away by my erratic sometimes physchotic behaviour.. Yes ,I am thinking of death, this torments me every minute of every single day. I just want be rid of the emotional pain that I feel every minute of every single day. I need peace.

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  100. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy…ever.

    Never losing hope.

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  101. I am suffering through what u have been threw I am a nurse and have lost my home and friends and job from just not being able to work I have been sleeping on the streets until I was arrested and sent to a mental facility that locked me up for three months I lost my truck and my ability to get to work I need some help that doesn’t lock me in I just turned fourth and started staying with my ex he doesn’t understand anything I am going threw we were together for seventeen years then got divorced I freaked out sold everything we had and went on a drug seeking mission comiinng out of it I don’t know or want

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  102. The people on here without support, I feel for you the most. Stay strong and fight everyday to comeback and you will. It’s not easy but you can do it.

    Never thought in a million years I’d be capable of having a breakdown, but here I am. Mine was 6 months ago and included a month of psychosis before it happened and then a month of psychosis after it.

    The first few weeks after the breakdown were the worst, I was still suffering from psychotic symptoms. I had paranoia, and every time I heard bells I believed whatever I was thinking at the time was being validated. Not a good thing to have over Christmas! but the meaning faded and now bells are bells.

    My brain was fried the first month my family took me on outings, I was a vegetable basically.. I thought my brain would never heal, but it is and yours will too, just give it time. I’ve got a long way to go and there have been bad days and symptoms have returned but have faded.

    Like Jessica mentioned above psychosis is the trippiest thing ever! but you can recover, it happens to many people.

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  103. I suffered a breakdown last year that landed me in jail. I was under an intense amount of stress and became delusional and detached from reality. I was hearing voices that told me to say something to someone in a private message on FB. They got a restraining order against me. When I received it I was actually between hospital visits but didn’t realize that I was in the midst of a breakdown. My parents placed me in the hospital and I had no idea why I was there. I was released when I got the restraint order paperwork. The voices told me that it was a prank. I violated the restraining order when I tried to call to ask them to stop the prank. I got arrested during my last month of graduate school. Now I have a record after several months in jail. I lost my car and am starting over. When I first got out and realized all that I had lost I was suicidal. I lost my best friend and another very close relationship while I was locked up. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time. I’ve suffered from embarrassment and shame. I keep asking myself why I did what I did and said what I said because now that I’m sane it doesn’t make any sense. I am in counseling and no longer hear voices but my self esteem has suffered greatly. I have been embarrassed especially about going to jail. I’ve always been a law abiding citizen. I’m working to rebuild and stay positive but it is an uphill battle. It’s only been two months since I’ve been free. I imagine that when it has been six months I will feel better. I’m not suicidal but sometimes struggle to see the point for living. I often feel alone. This blog has helped me to see that I am not alone. Addy thanks for writing this. Recovery can be difficult at times but it is possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  104. I’m 33 and I have suffered with depression since I was a little girl…it began with being constantly tormented by my mother’s live-in boyfriend and father of my 2 youngest brothers, he tried molesting me but I threatened to tell my uncles so instead he he started to basically bullying me by calling me names, make crude drawings of me and slip them under my bedroom door, tell me I was ugly and during all of this my mother never said a word, well maybe she would say leave me alone but that was it, I know this part may seem mean on my part but I wished that he would die and when I was 10 he did, he made home life so unbearable that at 9 I was contemplating slicing my wrist, well after his untimely death things got worse, my mother abandoned her 5 children with her mother, quit her job, lost her home, became addicted to crack cocaine, all of this within 6 months after his death. The following year my grandmother had to go back to her home state to care for her eldest child, my aunt whom needed a kidney transplant in which her son was donating his kidney, needless to say that my aunt died and my grand mother ended up staying almost a year getting my aunts affairs in order, my grandfather was caring for his 92 y/o father at the time as well so me and my sibling were left on our own for months on end, I had to be a mother to my brothers, get the up for school, was their clothes by hand because the washer was broken, we only ate at school because there was no food, then one day my uncle showed up,he had been gone for years but he was back my favorite uncle or so I thought. My uncle molested me after he came back and I went and found my mother and told her, she put him away. but the rest of my family didn’t believe me I became an outcast at age 11, the blacksheep of the family because I spoke up, 2 months later my siblings and I were placed into foster homes and that was not a great experience at all and I won’t go into that, needless to say that my depression has only intensified over the years, my mother continued to use drugs all the way up until 7 year ago, I rarely speak to my family, just my brothers and sister….I don’t know how to let go of the pain, humiliation, the feeling of being betrayed by the ones who were supposed to protect me, I don’t trust anyone, I don’t believe anything anyone says to me unless i can see things for myself…..I eel like there was curse put on me because my life is pure hell, I put on a big front for my children and the outside world and pretend that not much can get to me but behind closed doors I am a crying heap on the floor.
    As of today at this very moment I am staying with a friend because i lost my job, home, and I am close to losing my mind but I ‘m fighting because I have a 2 y/o that depends on me for everything, but I just want to be over this pain and this struggle its been to long and I feel like I am losing my grip…..I can’t talk to family because letting them know how you are really feeling inside want be taken serious and they feel that I am being dramatic. I haven’t slept in weeks, my head is splitting, my eyes are bloodshot. I feel like a failure as a mother, friend, daughter, sister, just a human being all around because i know that I can be so much more than what I am, but instead I am homeless with a toddler and no type of income and no real support system……I have been praying for better days but so far no change has come no matter what I do, job hunting, interviews…nothing ever pans out and I am once again stuck living with someone who is taking advantage of me and only letting me stay here because I do get foodstamps from the state and he keep her refrigerator stocked, and please know that I am educated, and not some welfare recipient!

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    • Penny, that is a tragic story of your life. You are such a brave, kind person, who shows that you take your responsibilities to your own child very well. You care and you deserve better – much better. I see you as a little light in a dark world, wanting to care for your child, giving what you can to your host, even though their motive is bad. You have gotten yourself educated. You are a wonderful sister to your siblings, caring for them when you had to, and you were so young. Speak to your most kind brother or sister as they are still your friends. This is a difficult time for you but you have gone through so much before that I believe in you. Try to get some sleep and know that you are a brave, kind and intelligent person who deserves more. Your desire to be better stands out, and this will happen. You are a victor not a victim. God bless you and keep you safe. The world needs people like you.

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  105. I am simply BLOWN AWAY by the authenticity and the heart=wrenching truth that you’ve shared herein!!!!! I am in the process (at the age of 56) of recovering from my OWN NB, and am frightened beyond belief.

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  106. This post got my attenton Big. Time. Three months before I luged down into my “nervous breakdown”, I had
    spent a weekend in Port Fairy. 1989.

    Contrary to the standard saintly smarmy sentiment, I would “wish” a nervous breakdown and other ailments on my ‘best enemy’,
    to help them develop compassion. I prefer to be fully human. If I am not, then I am not working the potentials of the
    transformative experience.

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  107. This is my fourth or fifth mental breakdown in the last 16 months … I lost personality and become rude to people especially my friend and family … Well I think my nerves getting very weak and also I have severe headaches and hands trembling … I hope God forgive me and make me die because I feel terrible and every task is hugely difficult for me …

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  108. This has been a wonderful read and has really shown me that I’m not alone…thank you!

    I experienced my own breakdown this year which was the most horrendous feeling. I was very lost and although I did ask for help I still very alone as none of my friends could relate.

    I lost my granmother, my relationship, my home, my job, miscarried and was also dealing with a long history of bullying from family members…all within 9 months. All far too much for me to deal with.

    I’m on the slow road to recovery and have good days and bad days but places like this really do help and inspire

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    • Wish the best, I also experienced a breakdown. I have slowly but surely been emerging from it. I wonder if these happen to us to build us up l, even better than before. Once you experiencing something like that a lot more of life starts to be put in to perspective. It’s kind of like a godly feel where your able to empathize with people but on a depend level than a person that hasn’t experienced it can. Good luck

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  109. your article gives me some hope so thankyou, i am currently in the midst of a nervous breakdown and also trying to make a massive decision, which as you know is impossible. i had a baby 18 months ago, her dad and i were kind of in living two places but we were together, my birth experience was horrific, i had told friends that wanted to be there with me to support me that i wanted it to be just me and the babys father as i didnt want to upset him (he is not a nice bloke as i now know although i am still stuck with him and he didnt want anyone else there). In the hospital they kept telling me i wasnt in established labour and would give me no pain relief, my daughters father didnt bother to come to the hospital until i was nearly through the whole ordeal and all but the last 10 mins of labour i was alone with a student nurse and no pain relief and no support, i had gas and air for the last 10 mins and that was that. When my daughter was only 3 days old her dad started to threaten me with abandonment saying that we would never see him again, we were arguing and i was exhausted, i begged him to let me sleep but he would keep me awake arguing until the early hrs of the morning, i was totally sleep deprived. At 5 days old my baby was admitted to hospital, she wasnt waking for feeds and had got dehydrated, i spent a week in hospital with her, terrified but apreciating the consistance of the atmosphere, feeding (bottle) every three hrs and was to;d i was not allowed to breast feed, her dad visited daily, was rude to the nurses constantly, would sit and eat and nap during his visits and didnt once give me a cuddle. We were sent home and i was given a chart to stick to re her feeds, she still would not wake so i was setting 3hourly alarms to feed her by, her dad was away for quite a bit of this time so my dad (bless him) came to stay. at 5 weeks old, i had set an alarm to feed her, her dad had returned, he switched the alarm off and didnt wake me or give her a feed, she went 9hrs without fluid resulting in dehydration AGAIN. we argued when i woke up, she was floppy and wouldnt wake but was dream feeding (drinking in her sleep) when i had given her a bottle i made a 2nd as she was still thirsty, he called me a psycho for giving her a 2nd bottle and i threw him out. the 2nd bout of dehydration led to severe constipation, 3 days of agony for my daughter passing stools like rocks, this upset in her tummy triggered a lactose intolerence and reflux (both took a further 9 days to diagnose) for 12 days in total i could not lie her down without causing her pain so i stayed up (nodding off here and there for a few minutes at a time) i was alone in a bedsit struggling, worried and exhausted. by day 7 i asked my dad to come again which he did thankfully. i allowed her dad to visit for a week or so at a time but until she was 9 months old i pretty much managed on my own with the love and support of my dad to help me through, ringing me at 5am for instance to make sure i had heard her feed alarm, he ran himself in to the ground back and forth the 100 mile drive to where we live and having as many sleepless nights as me. he was fantastic!! he had raised me on his own from a baby and i had worked with him yrs later, we were always very close. When my daughter was 9months old, my dad (who had COPD (lung disease) was taken ill with pneumonia, somehow he survived but he was totally fucked to say the least. I went to stay with him, me baby dog and dad all in a 1bed flat up 2 flights of stairs, i stayed there for the first 3 months then when he was all booked in for pulminory rehabilitation and had some strength back i would go back to my bedsit to meet my daughters father in the vein hope that we could work things out, i was back and forth a bit but on the whole i spent a total of 6 months looking after my dad, then, in april when i was at mine for a week he took a turn for the worst, was rushed to hospital with a chest infection and i went there straight away, my daughter was looked after by her dad at my dads flat. i stayed at my dads bedside for 3 days, he was suffering so much it was awful, but i didnt once cry at his bedside, only when i was away from him for a few minutes at a time, everyone said he was comatosed and had no idea what was happening but every time i left his bedside he would totally stop breathing for himself and the machines would do it for him, then when i returned and said “its only me daddy, im back now” he would start to breathe again. he died in my arms after 3 days of fighting it, i am heartbroken. within 3 days of his death my daughters dad was back to his usual mean self and i had to ask him to leave, so there i was in my dads flat, with my 14 month old baby, arranging a funeral and desperately trying to deny it was all happening. I had a huge argument with my sister when she said that she thought i had let dad down, i was the only one who had looked after him and i lived 100 miles away, she lived a 20 minute drive away and hadnt visited him once in the first 3 months of his recooperation, and then only occasionally after that, she had also left his bedside from the hospital before he died because she was tired and that if hewas gone when she got back that was ok with her because she had said goodbye!! and he was gone by the time she got back. i spent the following 4 weeks, arguing with my sister, i heard very little from my babys father, i was in dads flat trying to contact people and arrange his funeral and start sorting his belongings. it was awful. I then (stupidly) let my daughters father convince me that i should let him come back for the funeral to help with my daughter and i have been stuck with him since, he hasnt once held me or tried to show any affection, unless its sexual hes not interested, my dad died 4 months ago now, and it still feels like yesterday, i have spent most of that time arguing with my babys dad, sorting through belongings, desperately trying to work out what to do. I cant afford to stay where i am but have good friends here, but have been offered my dads 1 bed flat cheap as it is out of date, i have to decide by tomorrow what im going to do and although i have been trying to work out which way to go for months im still no clearer, do i give up a secure rented property that i rent from a close friend but cant afford to maintain, in a city, or move to a small village where i have an affordable property with no one around?? babys dad has threatened that we will never see him again at least 3 times since my dad died but i feel like hes the only person i have left as i lost a lot of friends and respect after he made such an awful impression on all of my friends and famuily yet wouldnt leave me alone and i kept giving in and saying he can come back. now they have all had enough of me and my dramas they dont want to knpw anymore and the phone never rings, (barr my landlady who lives close by and is a good friend and 1 other girl that has been great but i only see them now and then). I dream (literally) that i am my old self, with my old mates and my good old dad, then i wake up and the nightmare commences, also the only thing that really makes me smile is my daughter but since dad died her father has totallly been in my face and is taking over her play time and care etc while i go numb, i feel like i have been totally robbed!! any advice would be great, Kate.

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    • Kate, you have battled through so many personal wars and survived that I believe you can handle anything that comes your way. You are amazing. I hope that you have worked out your accommodation okay by now. It seems that the child’s father has a lot of problems needing sorting. He needs a complete make over in attitude, displaying fits of jealousy and coldness, which would be considered abuse in a psychological clinic. You have your beautiful daughter and she will always love you because you gave everything for her and your love is eternal.
      Give yourself time to grieve for your beloved father. Again, you showed courage, tenacity and love more than your siblings or others. You are a wonderful, strong person and will get through this. If your daughter’s dad threatens to leave, let him go. One less burden and pain you do not need. Good luck and I will pray for you, that’s all I can do.

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  110. I should add that my daughters father is 18yrs older than me, very manipulative and cleverly controlling, he has literally hounded me since i first threw him out, firstly texting everyday as if nothing had happened then sending me riddles and coded messages that made no sense to me what so ever, i literally got a text once that just said ’27’ i was supposed to know what this meant, he has contacted me everyday that we have been apart and twistwd things so much that i dont know who is right anymore. my life has exploded and crumbled before my eyes and i have no one to help in any way except him, telling him to leave now for good is too hard i just dont have the strength to face the world alone. i am terrified of the future and too scared to seek medical help as i am worried that there will be interferance with my daughter, i am and always have looked after her brilliantly, she smiles all the time and i love her more and more each day. and she knows it already, we have bonded brilliantly, she is a total mummys girl, but her dad hasnt let me have any time with her since the funeral as he hasbeen here all along and everytime i play with her he jumps in, louder and more exciting than me and distract her from me… i literaly do not know what to do :( please help me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kate, you have rights too! Just because you are younger than the child’s father does not mean you do not have the same rights as he has. Remember what you went through to bring her into the world. You have proved your responsibility and I believe there are helpful services out there who can give you advice. Stand up to this man and take your daughter out and enjoy her like you love to do. Start where you are, use any time you can to be with your daughter, enjoying her beautiful smile. Ask around about helpful services for mothers and children. Keep praying and see what happens. Remember, he is the one with the paranoia and is the control-freak and you are a normal, loving and genuine person who is very stable in so many ways. Do not be fearful, be confident, looking back and knowing just how far you have come. Then move forward as you are led. Keep smiling. You brilliant mother :)

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  111. Wow, this is one of the first post that I’ve read that matches my situation. I had a mental breakdown 2 years ago and till this day I feel ashamed or somewhat less of a person due to allowing my self to just lose my mind. I’ve had friends say that it was to me being mentally weak, I have no clue what caused it. Since then I’ve been struggling to maintain healthy relationships. I’ve had girlfriends but my anxiety and constant thinking cause me to be overwhelmed thus causing me to lose them in the end. I’m trying to better myself daily, I often feel great but then I start to bash my self and wonder how people I know see me, do they feel I’m crazy? A weird person? Idk I just continue to move forward and continue to be a great person by being nice and friendly to people constantly. I have women that like me but due to the lack of self confidence mentioned in your writing I can’t find myself getting the courage to make a move. I’m praying constantly that this change I am a good person and hope that I can overcome this. I wish you the best and I can definitely say that a breakdown is an experience that is hard to express. God bless you all that have experienced this, move forward and remember that your still here and are able to overcome anything!!!

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  112. I had a nervous breakdown(major depressive episode) that began in February 14 and lasted for a couple of months. I am now in constant fear that I’m going to relapse. I’m afraid to take on any major responsibilities, commitments, and relationships. I don’t know how to move on from it. I feel like I can’t get too close to friends/boyfriends because of the fear that they’ll realize that I’m crazy/dysfunctional/depressed. I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself. I just want to isolate myself and reorganize myself. I’m trying to take a long period of convalescence to heal, but I don’t want to let on to anyone or make them think I’m deserting them.
    How do you maintain relationships with anyone post-breakdown when every commitment seems like so much?

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  113. Hi…I am a 33 year old man and my breakdown started 6 years ago. I was working at a pharmacy and had worked really hard to get there. I had good insurance, got along with most of my coworkers, and worked out 4-5 days a week. My relationship was sort of rocky but it was an inevitable breakup at that point. This was 2008. My twin brother died suddenly and my world crumbled right before my very eyes. My girlfriend of 6 years leaves me the day I found out my brother died. I started taking antidepressants but was still able to work and keep friends and well..function. Things start to unravel and I lose my job. I applied to another well paying job and get fired for the first time in my life. My sleep becomes very irratic and I begin to dissociate pretty severely. I work gas station and fast food jobs to keep the bills paid. I finally go on unemployment for 2 years and work on getting myself back to my normal. I started getting horrible back pain and found out that I had some pretty major back diseases that are going to involve surgery. I am unable to work out like I’d done before. I gained a lot of weight and my health just kept getting worse. I spent weeks in my bed…in the dark. I wasn’t showering at all, not brushing my teeth, eating maybe once a day. My new girlfriend and I stopped having sex and I just completely shut down. The depression worsened, the medication increased, my dissociating spun out of control. I didn’t talk to anyone face to face unless they came into my room to see me. My living situation was very dysfunctional and I just recently got out of it. I finally got hospitalized and continued to cmh where I am right now. I just recently learned that what had happened to me was a breakdown. I am trying to come back from it but I am just learning to accept what it was. For so many years I just thought I had turned into a different person overnight and that I had to deal with this horrible monster for the rest of my life. Which technically I do. ..but I don’t have to live in constant pain anymore. I am hoping for the road to recovery.

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  114. Thank you for sharing. When I read your blog…I totally related and since this isn’t an everyday occuracne…no one else in my life understands which has left me feeling even more alone and isolated. Once people see this in others…I feel like damaged goods only to be seen forever in this light…as forever weakened and where there was once respect is now replaced with pity or disgust. I’d rather have had the pain of breaking bones, surviving serious debilitating disease or illness than living what the aftermath of my breakdown. Not sure I’m actually in the aftermath though as everything is different, I am different and I now know I and everyone is really truly alone.

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  115. hi every1
    i had a breakdown almost 10 yrs ago.im now 30. it felt like, all of a sudden, i just stopped functioning. i was catatonic, cudnt lift my head to make eye contact, or interact with anybody. wasnt eating properly, lost weight. tbh, its only in the past few mnths i’m realising that it WAS a breakdown and not just severe depression or whatever.
    my family totally invalidated me during the breakdown. they wud shout at me, even tried to discipline’ me physically. i lost all my friends. after agreeing to be put on antidepressants, i DID start to get better. but then i developed borderline personality disorder. i didnt know i had that, and at 25, had an arranged marriage in bangladesh. i got pregnant straight away.
    social workers hav my daughter, now almost 4, living with my family. i see her 3x a wk. but after going thru SOOO much to finally be able to get my husband a visa, i discover him sexting and talking to random girls. i know i need to leave him but circumstances and fear are stopping me. i still dont really hav any friends and hav never really bn able to wrk.
    pls pray for me
    love and prayers to every1

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  116. This is a really awesome bit of writing and knowledge. I’ve recently had one of these breakdowns, and I can agree with almost everything you’ve said. I never self harmed, but I thought about it. You are stronger and braver than you know, and I have to say the same thing for myself most days recently. Iy is excruciating and I don’t wish this upon anyone.
    The moment I knew I was really losing it, I hadto take every bit of self empowerment I had left in me to tell myself that this isn’t me, it is an illness.
    My passion is to help people with this sort of thing, healing is one of the greatest gifts we’re given. So, anyone who is going through it, remember you will get better. You will trust yourself again one day, and ultimately, it will make you stronger. Much love to you. There are always people willing to help you. Reach out when you need to, please. It will do the world a lot of good if you stay. We need souls like you!

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  117. I am in the process of recovering from a nervous breakdown.I have felt for a long time and was afraid of this happening.Everybody always said I was so strong,having survived seeing my first husband commit suicide by shooting himself in the head,I was home alone and I had to call my 3 daughters and tell them. At one point they all blamed me but now only my youngest does.My breakdown happened while I was at my job which is asst mgr for a multi million dollar retail store. I felt the panic attack coming on but this was different,I went into my office and just started crying and I couldn’t stop. I called my husband and he wanted to come get me but I couldn’t leave I was the closing mgr. Luckily I had a counselor’s cellphone number so I called her and told her what was going on. Fortunately she is best friends with my psychiatrist and she called him.and within a few hours he had already figured out what was wrong and had decided that I needed immediate help and had already decided to take me out of work.I have been out since Sept 30th and luckily my company approved me for LOA. I find myself staying at home because when I go somewhere I get panicky and feel like I have a big sign on my head saying Nervous Breakdown.My husband has been wonderful in fact I am not sure how I would have made it without him. Now I am left wondering how long it will take me to feel”normal” again

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  118. I had nervous break down when I was 16 year old. I took around 8 and 1/2 years to recover my self completely. Nervous break down didn’t afect my school life but my college life I have to suffer every second through out and even after completion of graduation 2 more years I took to heal my self. The reason for suffering nervous break down was, acedemic pressure, broken relationship due to friends including two of my best friends, loosing IIT Exam even after a dedicated preperation of one year and the last one pressure from my family not to choose my favorite branch computer science in Engineering. So I selected electronics & communication for Engineering. Initially two months nothing was so bad but time changed one of girl in my class fallen in love with me and ready to do any bad things to get me. Her action, way of talking and her sweet voice started reminding me of first love and since then I was no more normal. I started feeling pain, anxiety attacks, hearing of voices that nobody else was able to hear, sound like crying of thounds of people. In nights I never was able to sleep due constant fear of something. Once my mind started working on thing, I was unable to stop my self to sleep. After constant 11 months of abnormal sleep, hardly two ours daily, my pulse rate begane falling down. There was the moment when first time my heart beats were completely stoped for few hours. My father noticed it and after that my father took me to the doctor. All test were normal even ECG.
    That was the first moment when my heart beat was stoped and after 4 year during winter, I had the same attack again. This attack held at 2AM. Even it was too much cold about 2 degree celcius, but I was sweating very badly. I wake to take water but I fallen down on floor very badly and lost my concessness.
    I suffered a lot during 8 years, none of the symptomes of nervous break down was left to suffer. I was observing change in my feelings from third year of suffering and trying to figure it out what actually happended to me, until 7th year of suffering I was unaware of the term Nervous BreakDown. Although I tried every possible things but nothing could helped me.
    In nervous breakdown, conceus mind, heart beat, your senses, blood circulation stops working properly, but your subconces mind works without any flaus.

    How to Over Come Nervous Breakdown :-
    1. Believe in your subconcess mind, and make strategy to over come your problems.
    2. Focus on things that are more important to you.
    3. Do not waste your time on such thing that can not be with you for long time (especially searching for relationship)
    4. Sharing with your friend can be dangerous, so first achieve your targets after that tell others.
    5. Believe in your heart, since your concess mind is not working, you can listen to your heart for making decisions, but not in intial stage, because heart would not be emotionally inteligent but later on you could rely on your heart for making decisions, especially when it is concerning to relationship.
    6. Do not go for any temptation because if you go for commited relationship in this stage latter on after recovering there is more chances that you would not be having the same feelings because after recovering completely you would never feel like a broken hearted.
    7. Last but not the least, stop worrying about your past and future. Live in present. Do actions for your future and believe in yourself.

    “Our entire body parts are property of subconses mind. What ever you think during nervous breakdown, will not be filtered by consess mind. If I explain scientifically or technically, the chances of succes or failure increases during this period just because there is no firewall to filter our thoughts beffore reaching for execution.”

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  119. My wonderful partner had/is having a nervous breakdown and broke up with me. He was the most wonderful caring man that I had ever met and I was so shocked and upset when he announced his news. His divorce has something to do with it, but he has said that he just needs to be on his own to sort out his head.
    Its been 9 weeks now and I am still struggling to accept whats happened. We have been in contact by email and he said that he’s not doing that great and feels so guilty about what he did to me but hopes that I am happy and am moving on. All I want is for us to be back together, but am I being unrealistic? I think he thinks I’m better off without him, that he’s worthless, ugly, useless etc as these are the things his wife used to say to him. I know that he’s working non-stop and will probably end up burning himself out.
    I love him so much and just want him to know this, but don’t know what to say to him without him feeling any worse.

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  120. Thank you all for sharing about your breakdowns. I too had a very bad breakdown four years ago. I am still trying to recover from it. I have no friends. My family really has tried to help me but without much success. Nothing feels as it once did inside me. It is like my spirit has been broken also. Suicide still feels like the only way to be rid of the pain inside of me. I work everyday but all I get from that is more stress. My spouse has been a real jerk about all that has happened to me. After all he caused most of what happened to me to happen. After 26 years of marriage he decides that a 19 year old fat nasty girl is what he wanted. Call me stupid but like a crazy person I took him back:-\ We are still together and he still talks to her. I feel like a fool everyday but can’t seem to let him go. I just wish that I could get over this. Everyone said get rid of him and I moved out but my heart and mind only suffered more torture. I really really really really really wish that I could be okay:-( I have tried everything and I mean that. I struggle every day. I keep wandering if it will ever end? Does anyone have any suggestions?

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  121. This has given me a better insight into my own feelings at the moment. I feel at times that I’m a dog at a fireworks display; nowhere to run and hide. Thank you and best wishes. To is both.

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  122. Totally agree with you in so many ways. I had a breakdown 3 yrs. ago and lost everything too, The hardest thing for me was the rages and the anger. I raged at my partner at the time. We split up and I am still unsure if I was reacting to his issues or it was because I was so unwell. I have recently apologised and learnt that he is now in a new relationship. Which hurts so much. I question was the relationship toxic or was it my fragile mind. I still love him and ask myself what happened due to the fact there are a lot of grey areas around my darkest days. I gave my life to the lord Jesus Christ 18months ago, I can honestly say following the Christian faith has transformed me and my mind, it has speeded my recovery process and I have an amazing church and brand new life. I have been baptised and have entered a new life. I have a fantastic support network and the lord has opened so many doors in my life. I have a peace, joy and happiness that I have never experienced before. I am free. I have been on prescription drugs for 22yrs.I have been medication free for 6months.I thank the lord every singe day for the blessings in my life. My whole life has been transformed and I can honestly say all them years on medication were a total waste of time. I still felt unwell and suffered depression/anxiety whilst taking the anti depressants. Life free from toxins and chemicals in my blood stream has enabled me to have a clear mind. I say may breakdown was a undeniable break through. I still question the rages at my ex partner though. Can anyone help me on this. I don’t no if I should write a letter ,or leave it in the past with the rest of my old life..

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    • Congratulations Michelle on your wonderful decision to change your life. Until people make that crucial decision and follow through, they cannot comprehend the wonder of knowing God and being his child. I see you have apologised to your ex and that was a good idea.
      Commit the question of your rage to the Lord. Write it down and hand it to him (act it out), then scrunch it up or burn it. You are already totally forgiven according to God’s Word and if you get a challenge in your head send it away by rebuke as you are receiving darts from the Devil (we know he is still roaming this earth seeking whom to devour).
      Keep close to your new Christian friends and to our Lord. He has promised “I will never leave you or forsake you…” God bless you, you amazing person.

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  123. I cried reading this and asked my mum to read it as I have never been able to express in my own words what it is to have a breakdown. I felt ashamed, humiliated and confused after mine but now feel some clarity after reading this knowing what I experienced I wasn’t alone in doing so. Its been over a year now and I’m still finding my way to recovery plagued with anxiety, depression and heartache. Thank you so much for writing this your words have helped heal a small part of a very broken woman.

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  124. Thank you for sharing.
    I realize that a lot of what I am feeling now trying to build back up and find myself is normal when you are trying to glue all the pieces back together afterwards.
    Much thanks and respect,
    Ryan

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  125. I believe I’m also going through a nervous breakdown. I have had a very stressful year, but I won’t bore you with all the details so here’s the shortened version. I have social anxiety and recently moved to a new state. After several months of isolation I started to feel depressed. I ended up going out with people from work, got really drunk and I started crying and complaining about everything that has gone wrong in my life. It was a horribly embarrassing time….. now these people at work have been gossiping about me and some people that I thought were friends have heard the gossip and have joined in. I know this probably sounds childish, but I feel even more isolated and mortified. I can’t sleep, I forget to eat some days, I dread going to work and I can’t stand my days off because I have no friends in this city, so I’m just left to my racing thoughts. I’ve become someone that don’t recognize or even like. It is nice to know that I’m not the only one. So thanks everyone for sharing.

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  126. I’m going through this right now and as I sit here crying this article gives me some hope that maybe I just need a lifestyle change and to take care of myself more. This is a horrible state to be in and it makes me want to run away but there is no where to go because “I cannot run away from myself”

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  127. My husband is having one now.. lots of events sprailing out of control and then identifying and-claiming his brothers body tipped him over. Reading this article to him upset him and gave him relief at the same time.. he is superman.. he cant take it all on.. its why he is in this state.. but like I told him.. even superman has the justice league! He is learning to ask for help and dictate jobs to others.. his mind is better.. but the shakes still drive him bonkers.. he mentally will feel fine, but shake. . Guess it will dissapear soon enough. . But ur right.. he needs a life style change.. thanks for writing this! Im just a wife watching it.. and let me tell u.. its heart breaking.. he has a good support system.. hope u feel tons better soon! Thanks again for writing this!

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  128. Thanking you from the bottom of my heart for giving hope of potentially better days/times to come.

    I’ve bipolar and had my breakdown in 2010. Due to me lacking certain basic skills/resources and support from anyone my road to recovery has been a very rocky and arduous one to say the least. Had it not been for my unbreakable belief that God wouldn’t bear more burden than any of us could handle and my finding the courage to hang in there despite being pushed to the fringes I don’t think I’d still be here.

    I’ve always had a curiosity about human nature and so after doing a lot of research on the subject thought I had a not so bad idea about it all but after I broke down I was plagued with constant anxiety and almost everything became shrouded with doubt.
    My mind went into overdrive and I eventually exhausted myself.

    These days I rely on mindfulness and taking everything as easy as my circumstances will allow. 5 years in, couple of dysfunctional relationships later, I’m not out of the woods by any stretch as I struggle with shame and guilt. But I keep using coping ways I’ve picked up along the way and keep working to improve my character and habits which I believe is the ultimate answer for long term happiness.

    I’d like to share something I saw on a tv program about depression and anxiety. Some of the people on the show said they could barely leave their homes for years, 1 person said it took him 10 years before he was able to freely leave his house. I have agoraphobic tendencies due to having a combo of generalized and social anxiety so learning of people being able to turn things around after so long made me feel I might be able to do the same.

    It’s always a battle but if the universal law of every reward has its price is anything to go by as long as we keep working on our stuff we will keep improving.

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  129. symptoms are saying that i am having nervous breakdown right now ..
    i’hv a lil son..i want to take good care for my son.. but i couldn’t do… feeling so unhappy and unlucky,…….. god plz help me to get a normal life..

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  130. You, sir, are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are doing even better now. I am not glad that you or anyone else goes through this shit. But, it is comforting to know I’m not alone.

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  131. I have felt so alone with the aftermath of my nervous breakdown in April of last year. In Oct 2010, my only child, Josh died from a car accident we were in. He was 11. I had been in a marriage of 10 years to a very emotionally abusive man, who was also driving the car in the accident. I still suffer from extreme pain from my back being broken in 3 places. December 2013, I finally got strong enough to leave the marriage and face life alone. He proceeded to stalk me and not allow much peace in my life. During that time, I found my soul mate. The kindest man I’ve ever known, but I was a basket case. We took things very slow allowing me time to get my feet on the ground. I resigned from my very stressful job, and the company offered another position, which I took. Time went on and I moved in with my Soul mate because I could not cope well on my own. Flashbacks and nightmares tormented me daily. I was doing well and then my dad who had dementia got confused and left in the middle of the night last December and ended up crawling in the woods naked nearly freezing to death. He was found, but he quickly deteriorated and passed away in January. I am a minister and ended up preaching his funeral because I felt in my soul he was in a better place. I was numb, now that I look back. At the same time that my father was in the hospital the woman I call my second mom and was nothing short of a best friend called to tell me she had 6 months to live due to bone cancer. She made it 2 1/2 months and passed away several weeks ago. Although my home life is stable and I am engaged to a man I love dearly, I’ve found myself falling apart again. I am emotionally exhausted. I have found myself this week wondering if I will ever be somewhat normal. Can a human endure so much trauma and go on? I feel so much of the same that all the others feel. Just like Jini, I find myself crying out, Jesus please help me have a normal life. But I think I have to understand that what must change is my definition of normal is. I can’t ever expect a “normal” prior to all of the events in my life. Somehow I have to grasp that a new life won’t look like the old life. That more good things will come into life, but it won’t ever make the trauma go away. I would just like to be able to enjoy the good things that come my way each day. One thing that this site has made me realize, we need to be heard more than anything. We need to be treated like we are not “crazy” or “weak.” I worry that my Fiance will shy away on days that I have the shakes so bad I can’t function. I thank God he has not in the slightest, and that he rushes to make me feel loved and cared for in the midnight hour with horrific nightmares or “melt downs.” Thank you for sharing because I have hope for tomorrow and don’t feel like I am alone in what I’m feeling.

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    • MJ, I just want to say that you’re a very strong woman. You’ve really endured a lot in this lifetime. I will keep you in my prayers and I send you lots of peace, love, and light. May God bless you. ❤️

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    • MJ Blanchard, you are already an amazing person who has not only suffered through such a tragedy as the loss of a small child, but you have given everything for others. God has placed a strong angel close to you, who truly loves you (much to your surprise). This is the diamond in your collapsing life. But, here again, I see that you are working through your issues and you already know that life is changing for you, for the better, bit by bit, hour by hour. Take time out to rest, think on the great and wonderful things in your life, such as your beautiful soul mate that you met. You are still going through grief and loss for your mother and father and son, so don’t be too hard on yourself. You are truly a human being and a good person with astonishing attributes – no wonder this man loves you so. Melt downs in the night show you that your mind is still struggling with issues and these will change. You already know the Creator of you and you call on Jesus of Nazareth, who sees all your pain and reaches out to you, his servant and friend. You say you hope for tomorrow, but hope is here today for you. God bless and keep you close.

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    • Reading your story I can’t imagine what you must have gone thru. I came to this website in search of answers not for my illness but for my father’s. I wish I can take everyone’s pain and let you have a day of peace but that’s not possible you are the real walking hero in so many ways. I love your courage not only to go thru it but to also write about it and share it with other people. I’m not at ll religious but when stuff like this happens to people it makes e believe in a higher power and that the most horrible events happen to those who can handle it if you believe in a god he or she will put you thru what only you can handle and will always be by your side. I just want to say time heals all wounds and even the deepest wounds can be healed with great people, faith in your self and hope. Keep strong and remember that your deepest fair shouldn’t be that you are inadequate but that you are powerful beyond measure. Anything that you go thru you will conquer and come out of. So thank you and best of wishes on your new life and I wish you a thousand sunny and peaceful days

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  132. To Everyone who has written here,

    Thank you for sharing your grief’s & anguish & experiences. I just wish we could give each other big hugs & reassurance face to face but this way helps a lot. I think my (NB) was brewing most of last year & I finally crashed at the end of Jan this year. It has got to be the most awful, scariest thing ever. I just get so scared that I’m going insane & that I’ll never be right in the head again, I just feel exhausted all the time, everything takes so much effort & I can’t stand to hear the radio or TV I just can’t bear noise. I am so glad I found this page, please keep writing people, it does help & it’s good if we can help each other.

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  133. I just came across this article and it is a few years old but reading it was like me writing it. So many similarities. I had a breakdown In December 2015. I was overloaded emotionally and my body reacted and I have never known such crippling thoughts and physical pain. I signed myself into a psychiatric hospital and spent 6wks there. The first 3 weeks were like a living hell. Not the hospital and staff but my physical reaction to the breakdown. I was agitated and shook and paced and paced some more. I didn’t sleep and I would wring my hands and rub them when anxious. I am now 10wks on from when I had the breakdown and every day is still a challenge. I struggle. I don’t feel good about myself and I have no idea how to find myself. I exercise each morning doing laps at the pool. I manage to get to work but I’m not always as productive as I can be. I want the ride to stop but I know this is just the beginning of my fight. Such a long road. Such agony

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  134. My father just has a nervous break down while he was traveling in a separate state for work. He was in a completely different state from all family. We had to file a missing police report to find his whereabouts and with me being in the military its been hard on me I feel very helpless and Like I can’t help him. I was able to speak with him and he was very paranoid and questioned who I was saying it doesn’t sound like me and asking questions like what branch I was in and where I was stationed and after I answered he hung up. I honestly wouldn’t wish this kind of illness on my worst enemy I love father and never had any mental problems but can tell you that it is hard being the fan rooting them out of this. It’s.been only a week and he is still being treated. Thanks for your story I’m trying to do my part in supporting him as much as possible thru this by calling him everyday and trying to take as much of his pain away as possible. If anyone can tell me any advice on how to be a better supporter please I’m begging you reply to this I would be devastated if anything bad happened.

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  135. Nick, it’s great that he has such a son. Remember, love has no bounds, so just keep doing what you can for him. You tracked him down and now he is being helped, so that is such a big step for him. If I had a breakdown I would wish for a son like you. He may come through this okay or maybe not. Your love is the rock here, so just be loving you that you are. God bless you.

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  136. The system is not for human beings and the people who are in charge of it have taken leave of their senses to become prudish machines.
    Don’t hate them…pity them, but be strong and try and find the freedom we all have a right to!
    It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, but take the pressure off yourselves, and find that oasis.
    We’re all important, and we all have something special to contribute to this life.
    I pray for the world and the people in it every day, and I know how much we all all loved, and I do care, and I trust in Jesus, but it’s not always easy to live this life…in fact it can be so so difficult that some people just give up and kill themselves as I nearly have.
    But people who feel like this are sensitive people who are needed here, so consider that of you ever feel that way.
    Peace and Love to you all.

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  137. I have been feeling like this for 8 years. I am not exagerrating when I am saying I have been totally breaking down and weeping in the middle of the street, self harming in public and having dissociative episodes etc. several times a week. I’m in the third year of a degree I never wanted to do and everyone around me keeps telling me to just carry on with it. Last night I slashed my wrists, broke the computer I was at and had to be escorted out of the library by 5 security guards. The whole episode lasted about 4 and a half hours. If this happened at work i would have been sectioned or signed off. When I take time out to just sleep or play video games everyone thinks I’m just being lazy and I’m not as depressed as I know I am. I am awake all night wracked with anxiety. I am struggling to function day to day, just to remember how to talk to people (being on the autistic spectrum doesn’t help) People don’t understand how much of an achievement it is for me to get out of bed and not have killed myself by the end of the day, and will probably only take me seriously once I’ve actually done it.

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    • Please calm down and look for help at a hospital or go to a GP you can get to. You are very brave in posting so beautifully here, bearing your soul.
      Get out of that course as soon as possible and enroll in something that suits you better, or take a rest from all this study.
      You need to be pampered and loved and helped at present, for beneath this you are strong and can succeed in something you choose.
      A sensitive doctor can give you his or her ear, something to help you sleep at night and other helpful advice for your anxiety.
      People here do care about you, so remember that you are precious, with untold gifts that you have never found yet.

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  138. I had break down in the last six months. I too have autism in that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. I started a new job with a public organisation. I had to take a lot minutes during in meeting. This made me very anxious because I had to process a lot of information quickly. I told my manager I wanted to quit the job she was understanding. At the end of the day I ended up walking into a police station I telling them I had Asperger’s Syndrome. They had a duty of care and took me to hospital. I was in hospital for a week. I have slowly recovered an managed to return to work and less stressful job. I have realized I have major anxiety issues that I need to manage. I have learnt when we fear, we get anxious which leads to stress and then depression. In my case because I couldn’t control the my anxiety in the heat of the moment I had a complete burn out.
    I have realized work / employment is not everything in life. I have had two major breakdowns because of it . I would advise anyone not to take on a too stressful job because it get a affect your mental and then physical health. I now trying to put life back together in making sure I have good work and social life balance. I have paid my mortgage, don’t have a partner or children so I don’t need a a lot money to live off.

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  139. Jd, you are an amazing person and so very brave. To be able to face your illness and stride into a police station is incredible. Being able to monitor your fear and anxiety is commendable and I believe your post will help many who suffer as you have done. I love when you say, I have recovered… You have paid your mortgage, you are doing much better than most people do in their life. I wish you the best happiness you can find, peace and a job that will suit your personality and condition. You are a shining star in a dark world.

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  140. After years of struggling and being told, “You are doing well considering everything you have been through” are what doctors say. I WANT TO WORK FULL TIME HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO DO MORE THEN SURVIVE. The last 10 years have been so tough that I have lost the smile I was known for, that Julia Roberts smile that I was told I had. I force smiles now, friends are gone and I am rock bottom. No to talk with, no one in Mental Health gets it and doctors said, “I don’t know why you people struggle so hard to survive only to live long enough to die of altimzers, however that is spelled. So but kinda feels good to type this out…
    God Bless all of us that have had the inner peace kicked out of us…

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  141. My breakdown was the singular most horrific period of my life.

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  142. I am so in that place at the moment. Relationship breakdown, financial deceit, loss of friends and associates due to my others actions, not to mention trying to shield children from the fallout. So many things also to do with me personally, upbringing ect, still trying to work in what’s left of my own business and looking for external work is a nightmare as the mornings and sometimes the whole day can be a fight just to stay alive.
    Helpful i think to share others pain..

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  143. Good Morning, somedays the only any good is the sun is shining..My God..life is not suppose to be sooooooooooooooo hard.
    May God Bless and watch over us all..

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  144. I had a breakdown nearly a year ago (July 2014) while on holiday with a friend since then I’ve spent 5 months in a mental institution and have battled with various medications. I’m just looking for hope. a year on and I can see how I’ve made progress but I just don’t feel like I’ll ever go back to that carefree happy person I was before, I’m compleatly different now I’m a shell of who I used to be and I’m just not sure I can go on living in the shadow of my former self. I just want to go back to the “old me” and i just wondered has anyone ever fully recovered?

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    • Hi Chloe, sorry to hear about your breakdown and everything you’ve been through as a result. They’re tough things to go through and hope can often be incredibly difficult to find as a result, but hope is there, if you’re willing to see it. My breakdown was over eight years ago now and there are still times I struggle with what happened to me, and although I’ve not fully recovered – mainly due to the circumstances I’ve had to deal with since my breakdown – I live in hope that I will recover fully one day. There is always hope! Wishing you a wonderful, peace filled day! :)

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      • I had my nervous breakdown October 1. Luckily I have great Dr and counselor and have avoided being hospitalized. Mine was caused by my job and I am still out of work. A nervous breakdown is the hardest thing I have ever been through

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        • I concur. My nervous breakdown was one of the toughest things I’ve ever been through and is a defining moment of my life. I wish it hadn’t happened, but I can’t change that it did, so I just need to accept it, deal with it and try to move on. It’s great you were able to avoid hospitalisation with a great doctor and counselor! I’m sure in time you will get yourself back in the workforce, preferably with a job you love and cherish. Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

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    • Hi Chloe, Listen to Addy and do not give up hope. Hope never fails. Keep looking to that goal and you will make it.
      On another note, what happened on that holiday with a friend that brought on this change in you? Maybe get to the bottom of this and you will find the old self again – she is in there. Good luck and God bless you.

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    • hang in there I havnt been the old me since im 18 whatever im doing great now not great but got a lil peace in my life now…. ill never be the same but my case is different over a woman im sure you ll get back to your old self you have the best of luck from me…… ill never be the same but I am at peace…….but its been going on 30 something years…….. you will be the same old you don’t let it take that long … get help just never say die take care scott

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  145. My name is Draven, and I am 17. My parents split up when I was only 5 years old. This plays a huge factor on why I feel this way. Recently I have been ping ponged back and forth between living with my mother and living with my father. This on its own is very difficult seeing as I lose friends and gain them and have to continually change schools. But the hardest part is my girlfriend. We keep being ripped apart and brought back together than ripped apart again. Well about 5 years ago I went through some serious emotional abuse and that caused me to develope two other identities in my head. I haven’t gone to anyone about it to this day but I’m beginning to regret it. Now that I have been forced to move again because my mom got a new boyfriend that doesn’t want her to take care of me anymore. I had my mother tell me to my face she was tired of taking care of me. Well I thought going into this move that I was going to be strong enough to make it through this. I’ll be 18 in 10 months and I’ll be able to live where I please. I was dead wrong. 1 week into being back with my father I am starting to be consumed by darkness and rage. The voices in my head talk faster than I can comprehend. I only think of two things. Suicide. And my girlfriend. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m literally falling apart. All I want to do is grasp my skull and crush it. I don’t know what to do anymore. Medication and therapy just don’t seem like they will help me. I need to be back with my friends and girlfriend where my mom lives. But she refuses to help me find a place to live there. I fear for my life. I just don’t know what to do. I’m giving up.

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    • I had a breakdown right after college. When I came home I didn’t know anyone, and the guy I was dating went back to his country, he was an international student, I had strong feelings for him. I felt sooooo alone and I’ve been battling it for the past 10 month, I’m a lot better but I still have awkward fears that stop me from feeling totally fine. I’m having a hard time trying to overcome them.
      Be patient, it takes time, I still sometimes give up… Then get myself back up again.

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    • Draven, you are so brave to bring your problem here. Do not despair there is hope. You have been bounced back and forth like a ping pong ball and no wonder you are totally blotting out your future.
      Please do not give up. You are young and soon you will be able to find your own way forward.
      Call on Jesus Christ, and see what happens next. Shout this name to the personalities in your head, ordering them to get out in His name. You are a good person with deep thoughts and much to give.

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  146. Thank you for sharing your amazing journey and experience! This post gives me life! Literally!

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  147. sorry posted and didn’t finish really glad I found this and you addy cause its not something I can really talk to my friends about ….don’t really care what I rite here cause people have been thru the same thing like me so im now people in the same situation I was …… I fell in love with a gal at the tender age of 14 years old…….would go to 8th grade to high school to college with her……..lived with her…….wasn’t my puppy love lololol I WAS IN LOVE AT 14 YEARS OLDLIKE I WAS IN HEAVEN AND WOULD HAVE DIED FOR HER EVEN AT 14……. the first 3 years was heaven ……. no feeling in the WORLDDDD COULD EVER TOUCH THE LOVE I HAD FOR MY WOMAN AND IF I WON A ZILLION DOLLARD I D GIVE IT UP TO BE WITH HER….. cause without her im dead…………im dead now really im just trying to rest in peace and still cant do it……..lived with her at 17 years old for three years so I met her at 14………. a baby ……..and the love got so unbelievable and heavenly it got better thru about the 3 years…….. don’t really wanna write a lot but I don’t know to do its my life .. .. at 15 years old still living at home seeing her in school everyday …… was lol I d rather die then not seeing her for one day……..we lived together when I turned 17 for 3 years ………. she gave me more joy my soul was pure……. young….. innocent ….. loving….. and it was the most or she was the most beautiful thing angel to ever touch my soul……… to make it quick im trying ….. she cheated on me 7 times after a while…………of course I was goin crazy not knowing what to do…… this wasn’t just a man that loved a woman I would have died for her……..was a normal happy kid ……..wanted her to have my children…….. this was the woman and older now……..found the woman all men look for and the oneeeee love you only get ONCE A LIFETIME at 14 pretty young and stayed together……… took her back after she cheated on me 10 times don’t know really how many just know it was probably a lot more but like fool stayed with her….. then she just finally left while we were living together……… I went to the most loving heaven the kind were your happy more then ANYTHING and angels are around were you would think you really died in heaven……… to a life that im still in torture today the first break down I had was befor she left…… it was cumin on my mother even noticed I wasn’t the same looking up at the clouds just looking and not knowing were I was really……….then the severe break down came 3 months after…….. went thru heaven were I thought I really was RIGHT TO HELL AND SUFFERED LIKE AN ANIMAL were I wanted to die and go to heaven in spirit to get out of the way I was…………a living death……….took me 3 years but I got over it …… then my father died in front of me and was close to my father like some kids are ma ma s boys… I was a daddys boy and she didn’t even see my father at his funeral ……….gave me another ive had 7 lil ones but harddddddd ones even at 37 I had one …. not as bad as the first but hard…… were I wanted my soul to go to heaven and not be in hell anymore and be happy…………cant be here all day but she broke me…….. ruined my life……. that little time in heaven was the thing that made me love everyone and touched my soul body heart like an angel my house was struck by lightning lmaooooo and I came home from school my mom almost got struck hiding in the house the car destroyed… I walked right passed it I was so in love lololol my mom said didn’t you see the car??????/the house???????I almost got struck I daid didn’t know mom sorry lmaooooo I was in heaven didn’t know to in love with my angel……….what I went thru……. and im 48 years old now I WOULDNT WISH ON A MASS MURDERER AND THATS THE TRUTH CAUSE I WENT TO HELL AND WAS TORTURED EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY ……. I still dream about her sometimes and will love her till I take my last breath……..I had girl friends agter her wayyyyyyyyy after her but never really loved a woman like her NOT EVEN CLOSE and I would have died for her in a minute……… breakdown happened at 18 years old and that’s to young for a heart to be TORE OUT and that’s what it was tore out I still suffer today not as bad as I did but I never even got married after her…….. I couldn’t marry a woman and know I wouldn’t love her as much as I did her….. I have a heart unlike her and I could never do that to a woman EVER IN MY LIFE…….. my whole life is really ruined im 48 and im really at this age finally trying to pick up the pieces and start a good life and buy some land so I can have a little peace in my life befor I die……… something I can call my own and a hoe that I never called since I was 17 and left my mom and dads home to live with her now I just wanna go home and live in a place I can call home for the first time since im a kid…… im looking at land now…… I gave up the bottle three years ago and looking for a couple of acres to live nice beautiful place on the water I can have peace I never had since I went to heaven at a young age…….really don’t see myself living to long …. ive been thru so much and suffered more then or as much as a cancer victim with my mind and befor I die I just wanna own land in a beautiful place so I can live in peace befor I die…….. I ll love her till I take my last breath but she just turned on me like a snake but I can never not love a woman that put me in heaven filled my heart and soul with more joy in those years then in a lifetime and just will love her till my last breath……. im glad my torture is just about over…… I guess ill always be tortured dreaming about her still and knowing she s with another man but I want peace befor I die and at least I have motivation now and want to buy land and call it home…… until I die with the little peace I have now ……. thank you I could never really talk to anyone about this but we are all in the same boat…… take care hope you find a lil peace ALL OF YOU

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  148. U just described verbatim what i qm feeling at this moment. These are the words thatve escaped my lips, the ones i havent been able to descripe. Im so alone and ive had so much shit happen in the past 20 months, ive totally cracked. I cant even cry, i need to, i easily can if i made myself. But its like even THAT would be too much, i block it out. Ive been cussimg out my 3 yr old amd i do it becuz i am so fucking sad and angry. He is a sweet norml crazy 3 yr old and i cuss him out. I hate my self so soooo bad. Thete i said it.nobody else in the world will hear me admit that. I know its wrong every time. Im sorry sweet Beau, im so so sorry my boy.

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  149. I read the first story from the guy from Melbourne. This is the first time i can relate and feel his feelings. I suffered my first MAJOR breakdown in 1999. I had a thriving career with the Federal Government for many years and travelled all over the country with my now exhusband of 30 years. He was a lifer in the Military and I was always with him except on unaccompanied tours while i stayed home while working and taking care of my family. I was very independent as i left my family when I married him very young for 20 years. We had an ok marriage and I always told myself this is it for me nobody’s really happy in life. You just go day after day thanking God for all your Bessings. And I love my daughters and worked hard so they could be happy and they were. BUT in 1998 my ex was already out of the Military also working for the Government. I had a very high position by now and was getting promoted quickly since I had so much experience earning a VERY GOOD income. So financially we were doing great. But by this time my oldest daughter went away to college. I was devastated. She wasn’t just my daughter but my best friend. You see I never had friends outside of work I dedicated my life to my ex and daughters. And my daughters were 10 yrs apart.
    I’m trying to make this as short as I can. Anyway we were living away from home and I did NOT want to ever go back home and also because I was earning an excellent salary and moving up the ladder quickly and I LOVED my job, the city and the good schools. Well my ex decided to move back home and ad always I did what he wanted. So back home now it took me 6 months to get back into the Government but a lot less money. But again since I had so much experience I was given multiple duties and was presented with my first award within 3 months. Then at 6 months I was awarded a gold watch with the agency’s logo. After one year i got my one year evaluation and all EXCEEDING EXPECTATIONS the highest rating that came with a VERY GOOD monetary award and Certificate. I was doing great until one day in 1999 that I will NEVER forget. I came in to work as I always did and get my coffee mug to get my coffee. Well I saw some blue pellets inside my cup that looked like the poison pellets the custodian put throughout the bldg since it was and old space and had a.mice problem. I almost poured coffee im my cup. Thank God I noticed the pellets before I poured my coffee or else I might not be telling this story now. Well I’m not going thru all the details but I started getting paranoid and would not eat or drink anything at my job. To this day I don’t know who did it and the Managers thought it was a joke. Tried to fight the Government but as always they are not to be reckoned with. I had travelled the world and NEVER had anything negative happen to me and in my own home city/state I was destroyed. Nothing was ever the same again. I continued doing my best but was NO LONGER HAPPY working. I felt my life was not worth anything anymore. My professional career was my life and I was devastated. I went thru many phases but one night I was alone and my mind just took over, wounded up taking a lethaloverdose. After that I do not remember anything. My daughter came home from college to surprise me and she found me just in time. All I remember is finally waking up
    in a hospital and thought I had woke up from a dream. I don’t remember anything since then but for 10 years I kept overdosing, cutting and many hospital stays, medications, multiple shock treatments and feeling very alone and helpless. I feel I lost 10 yrs of my life but I credit God for still being here. Well you can probably guess by now my husband anf I divorced after 30 yrs, was unable to wonder again so the Government gave me a disability and can no longer work. My mind is still very foggy because of all the shock treatments among othet things. My ex married a woman he had before the ink was dry on the Divorce and I have not spoken to him since our divorce. I live alone, thankfully I have a home for 9 yrs and have NOT or wanted to look at another man. I am still struggling every day. But am down to only 2 medications and FINALLY found an excellent Psychiactrist. He’s very expensive but I will pay anything to finally get my normal life back. I have not had a life (for lack of a better word) since 1999 after that trauma I suffered at my LAST JOB. I feel like my life as I.lived it is gone. But that’s my Depression talking right now
    since today is one of my bad days. But on a good day I make the most of it and imagine I’m OK. I credit my spirituality for me still being here because I am finally getting the faith I had before the worst day of my life. I am not ready to be out socializing yet but I am Blessed to have my oldest daughter by my side. She gave me a beautiful grandson and she is always there for me. She is still my “Best Friend” . My other daughter married a military man and gave me two beautiful granddaughters but the are stationed in Utah. I am so grateful to God that I instilled good values and ethics to my girls before my illness. They both went into higher education and my oldest is almost done with her PHd. My girls are beautiful and very cultured and smart. So I’m Very Proud of both of them. I know they will and are doing very well in their lives. Oh how I miss my being so intelligent and useful. Don’t think I’m having a Pity Party but I feel like a bird with a broken wing, but will hopefully fly again one day. I thank God for each day and for everything he does for me. I feel joy when I pray and meditate within my spirituality beliefs. I always tell myself God has had me out of the hospital for 9 yrs. Yes the last time was right before my Divorce. I have always been very independent and I work very hard each day to get more and more independent ahain. I know a lot of this may have been negative but I do want to tell you that I’m trying VERY HARD to be my old self again. Although I have bad days and good days I AM HERE and I thank the Lord for how far I have come since that terrible day in 1999.

    Please, please if I can get any input from a kind soul I would really appreciate it. Thank you for letting me tell my story. PS. I
    am not as good a writer ad I used to be so please excuse any errors in my grammar or writing skills. May God be with all who suffer from this struggle.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dear Diana,
      Its been a long road, but I can tell you that your brain can recover from everything that you have been through. Dont look back, God has placed you in a new direction in your life. I would feel that the pellets in your cup were there by accident. If someone wanted to harm you they wouldn’t have made it so obvious, everyone always checks their cups before filling them with anything. Please go forward thinking that everyone is inherantly good, and that God will lead you in the right direction.
      God bless, and know you will be fine, you will recover, and as you said you already have lowered your medications, so you are actually doing great!! you are currently recovering (Yeah!), and are most likely doing much better than your think you are. I can tell you have faith in God, I dont know what religion you are, but if you ever feel low have a look on youtube for tv Lourdes, its a live web stream to the groto in Lourdes and the events goin on, it will give you company when you need a little hand and slowly you will build up your confidence to be out with people.

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  150. Diana,
    What a shoking day you experienced. You tried so hard to do right to everyone and to see those pellets in your cup is horrific. I know that ratsak pellets are harmful to humans. You might have had a heart attack and died on the spot. But, God did not allow that to happen. God says, ” I know the plans I have for you… my beloved.”
    Now your eyes see from a different perspective and you are a deeper and more thoughtful person than you were before the horrible event.
    You could have sued that company for attemptem accidental manslaughter, but I am sure you have suffered enough and need to be resurrected to the person you used to be (but even better).
    I think talking about your horrible experience and its consequences should be told to the whole world, to let others know how deadly a joke can be and how it can ruin a person for years, or kill them.
    I have found that if you are successful, it does promote jealousy and when it comes to certain of the species, they will kill to get rid of their competition. You were a threat and an eyesore to someone (you don’t know who), and they may have intentionally tried to harm you.
    Keep up the good work with praying and your psychiatrist and telling your story because it is a gem of truth and shows up courage (yours), evil (the pellet person), and God’s love for his beloved children. It also shows how family can come to the rescue purely by being moved by the Spirit, and the happiness that can come through those we love as well.
    I think you should consider doing your story as a novel and turn the trauma back on your adversary.
    Thanks for sharing this deep and personal story. You get my vote ‘five stars’.

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  151. Thank you for this honest matter of fact account. Your certainly a trooper and congratulate you in getting through what happened and sharing this online. It has happened to me. I totally hear what you say about not being able to think straight. I was bed bound for four months, my life crashed down on me. And I got through it all alone. I had no one. My family were not there for me they only showed their face after the really bad patch. It’s true, you can’t talk about the severe negative part only the positive. No one can handle hearing the negative they don’t want to know. Life is cruel, and people can be so cruel when it comes to mental health. I’m aware of the phases one goes through now, it has taken me years yo get better. 3 in total. Mandy x

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    • Sorry to hear about your breakdown, but kudos to you for getting through it. I too had no-one to help me after my breakdown so know only too well how difficult and traumatic a situation it is to get through. I’m doing a little better know, but still deal with the repercussions of the event on a daily basis. But I haven’t given up yet! Wishing you well! :)

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  152. I’m glad I read this. Ty. :)

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  153. I’m at the point where I know I need help after trying to help myself for so long without success. How? is where I’m at without wanting my family, friends, or even the love of my life who was diagnosed with cll involved. I love them too much. I won’t take antidepressants so I have just started here. Having the non medical term “nervous breakdown” more than once and the most recent a week ago.

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  154. Hi all,
    A breakdown is a terrible thing to go through, last year I had what was probably a break down when a 3cm nodule grew on my Thyroid, and have had three biopsies on it since then, thankfully it is not cancer. But at the time I stopped sleeping, but what actually led to my life being affected was being given a antidepressant to which I had a severe reaction to, my legs and hands went numb and couldn’t breathe properly for 5 weeks. Fortunately from my education and knowledge in the area I knew that what I was dealing with was a medication reaction, Drs dont like to admit this, but I could give them the science that is published. At one stage my Dr was going to give me indril, a beta blocker because of the reaction, saying that it doesn’t interfere with the brain, this drug crosses the CNS and can cause depression. I now have recovered for the most part from the reaction to the tablets given. Be aware that no one knows how the brain works, not even doctors, and they certainly don’t know what happens when drugs enter the brain. Difficulty getting out of a brain issue is sometimes damaged more by medications as they are addictive and make you feel like as if you are not yourself. Read up on the internet about peoples experiences, also remember that no Dr has ever achieved 100% in their exams, and are therefore not 100% right. Note that drugs used in mental health have only been around for a relatively short space of time, the market is driven by the Pharmaceutical industry, for some the effects of these drugs can be devastating. Think about drugs used in the past that were considered safe (Thalidomide etc). Be careful of these drugs. It is known that for the most part these drugs are nothing more than placebos, and at worst they can lead to suicides and can interfere with your recovery. If you ever talk to a Psychiatrist, they will tell you, if they are honest, that they have never cured a patient with these drugs.

    How I recovered was knowing that I had it in me (as everyone does), know this about yourself. People’s thoughts can make a situation seem worse than it is. I sorted out my breathing issue by doing throat and tongue stretches, within a few days I was breathing again (the Dr didn’t tell me this). I discovered that the reason why I couldn’t sleep was acid reflux that was silent, so I have to sleep with a raise on my bed (again this wasn’t a Dr that told me this) (a speech therapist figured it out). I also discovered that I needed to ensure that my mouth remained closed at night and that I didn’t mouth breath, because the air coming in the mouth would aggravate the acid reflux damaged throat (use a little bit of 3M medical tape over the centre of the mouth to bring this about). Doing this sorted me out. I think talk therapy is a good idea, but you need to have someone you link well to, and someone that is registered. Be very careful of talking to a psychotherapist that isn’t registered, almost anyone can set themselves up as one, so ensure they have their degrees.
    Good luck,

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  155. I am completely alone, My Mom, and even she doesn’t get it OR the effort I put in DAILY, SECONDLY, to do a day. I am sad to read when others feel as I do and wish we could do a group for support, like AAA or something…

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