All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Death is the only answer

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As I’ve been having trouble writing lately, mainly because my stress levels have been so high, I’m experimenting with stream of consciousness writing as a way to overcome my current malaise. As such, this post was written as a Stream of Consciousness on Tuesday 29 September 2015 between 10:09 – 10:33am. Apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors that occur throughout, they are part and parcel of stream of consciousness writing.

death

Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. The demons of my past forcing me to relive the emotional abuse I received from my sociopathic narcissistic cunt of an ex-girlfriend. Words like useless, worthless, repugnant, repulsive, selfish, waste of space, evil, pointless, unlovable reverberated around my mind making sleep an impossible dream. They were all the words my abuser used to use; all the words my abuser specifically chose to control my life, minimize my emotions and render me a quivering, isolated, self-hating freak. That was her intention. That was her goal. To make me hate myself; to render my emotions invalid; to destroy the very essence of my soul. And she succeeded. Last night wasn’t a one-off. It wasn’t an isolated incident. Every night and day for the last eight years, no matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing, her voice echoes in my mind, continuing her vicious quest to assault my soul and control my life past, present and future.

For the last six days it has been the same. Night after sleepless night of reliving the abuse I was the recipient of. Night after night of hating myself on a level few could ever conceive of. Night after night of the ghost of my abuser pushing me ever closer toward the precipice of suicide. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I’m clinging on to the last minuscule threads of sanity. Even when I wake up, even when I try to distract myself from her cruel, taunting voice, she is still there; still forcing her abuse upon me, still pushing me to rid the world of the repulsiveness that is me. That’s what she wants, you see, it’s what she’s always wanted; my suicide. An act that she believes would save the world from the most evil, selfish, repugnant human being that has ever lived.

And she’s convincing. Last night, as the minutes dragged into hours, I started trying to work out how many pills I would need to take to successfully end my life. I started to plan how best I could slash my wrists to rid the world of the scourge of humanity. I started to concoct elaborate, complicated plans involving a combination of pills, cutting and trains; the end result always being my death, to rid the world of a voice so boring and monotonous it inflicts pain on everyone it talks to. And as the plans formulated in my mind, I started to feel at peace, I started to feel content, for it dawned on me that this is what I want. This is really the only way for me to find happiness.

They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I have always hated that saying. My problems are not temporary.

There is no cure for bipolar affective disorder; it is an illness that I will suffer from until the day I die. It will assault me with its mood swings, with its madness, with its intricacies, and it will always, in the end, win.

There is no cure for post traumatic stress disorder; it is an illness that I will suffer from until the day I die. It will assault me with its flashbacks, with its reliving of past trauma, with its heinous nightmares, and it will always, in the end, win.

There is no cure for social anxiety disorder; it is an illness that I will suffer from until the day I die. It will assault me with its panic, with its control, with its neurosis, and it will always, in the end, win.

Sure, there is medication that can help control the symptoms, but there is no medication that will eradicate them completely, they will always control me, always take everything from my life, as they’ve been doing for the last eight years. Eight years. I used to have a life. I used to be happy. I used to have hopes and dreams, passions and friends. But now? There is nothing. There is just me. Continually hated by the world and every human being who populates it. I am nothing, a nobody, a repugnant isolated freak that, as my abuser so relished in informing me, no human being could ever love and/or care about.

It’s no surprise to me that I’ve lost hope for a better, brighter future. Over the last eight years, despite homelessness, despite rape, despite physical assault, isolation, mental illness, trauma and abuse – all of which I have fought on my own – I have worked my cute little arse off to become the person I want so desperately to be. Over the last eight years I’ve helped people whenever and however I can; I’ve replied to thousands of emails from lost souls searching for meaning, and done whatever I could to provide them with the hope they’re looking for; I’ve shared my journey on this blog in the hope it would help people feel less alone; I’ve even helped people actualize their lifelong dreams. Over the last eight years I’ve continued to write even when the world did everything it could to stop me; I’ve sent manuscripts to publishers for consideration; I’ve written for websites on all manner of topics; I’ve even self-published my work online because writing has, since I was a child, been one of my primary passions. Over the last eight years I’ve been there for people when they’ve needed me; I’ve offered support and kindness when they had done little to earn it and I have always put other people’s emotions ahead of my own. Over the last eight years I have clung onto the hope that my life wouldn’t always be so isolated, so painful, so irrelevant. But eight years of hard work, eight years of fighting mental illness, trauma and loneliness, all on my lonesome, has seen that hope evaporate. My abuser was right; there is no hope for me, I will never amount to anything, no-one will ever love me.

Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. Memories of abuse and trauma assaulted my mind and I came to the inevitable conclusion: I am an inconsequential member of the human race. It doesn’t matter what I do, it doesn’t matter how hard I work, it doesn’t matter what I sacrifice or how many people I help. No-one will love me. No-one will care about me. Nothing will ever change. It will just be me, living in abject poverty, devoid of happiness, killing time until the inevitable happens.

Last night I lay in bed unable to sleep. And as the hours drifted by I came to the inevitable conclusion: death is the only answer.

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20 thoughts on “Death is the only answer

  1. This breaks my heart to hear your final conclusion. I wish I had the magic words I wish there was somewhere you could draw inspiration from to keep going. Your help so many people just by sharing your stories, your life experiences. I prayed for you today For strength and for courage. And I hope the miserable woman who treated you so badly reaps what she sewed

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    • Thank you for the kind words. I’m going through a difficult period right now where my depression is reigning supreme and little I do seems to have any impact. I am going to keep fighting though, despite the saddening conclusion that I reached. Wishing you all the best. :)

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  2. Well I care about you and reading your posts has made me feel less alone — email me, if you want to. I’ll reply …

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    • Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad my posts have made you feel less alone. One of the reasons I share my story is the hope my journey touches others and helps them realise they are not the only person going through such traumatic, painful issues. Wishing you a fantastic day! :)

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  3. NO NO NO ADDY! Yes I am shouting at you. You are not the scourge of all humanity. Do not believe your accuser. Do not let your accuser win. I love you Addy. I am not the only one who loves you. There is a God in heaven who loves you. Addy you are so precious to Him that He sent His only Son, the Lord Jesus Christ to die in your place. You do not have to die. God Himself has died in your place. He has died so that you don’t have to. That is not the end of the story by any means, No No no. God approved of the sacrifice of His Son by raising Him from the dead. He is alive now and forever more. The Lord Jesus Christ right now is praying for you Addy. There is something that you need to do. Say out loud “Lord Jesus Christ, I am sorry that I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus, you died to pay the penalty of my sin. I ask you to come into my life. I want to live for you .” Did you say that Addy? Do not worry about how you feel. I can promise you that you will have a peace and purpose in your life that you have never ever had before.

    Please let me know that you have put your trust in Christ. I speak from my own personal experience. I put my trust in Christ. He has never failed me. True I fail Him every single day. He still loves me. He loves you Addy and wants to fill and flood your life with everything that you need. He will not fail you.

    Your Friend
    Keith Smith.

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  4. Very bad place to be, I know… Your abusers can’t have all that power if you don’t give it to them. I know it’s important to be loved and love someone who deserves our love, but do you love yourself or what your abusers told you are more important than what you really are and there for will you abuse yourself more than they ever will? If you read your post, you aren’t even close to what she said you are. How could you ever consider in killing yourself and letting them win??? WTF lets you give them so much power over you? No matter what disorders you have they are just symptoms of what’s really going on with you. Why can’t you love yourself as you should and be your best friend before anyone else? Because people have abuse you?! You are not your pain!!! Stand up look yourself in the mirror and see the good in you, you are not perfect, NO ONE IS! One more question though; if you are, supposedly, such an awful person what was she doing with you?! Why can’t she be with “the best person in the world” because she is NOTHING! She only feels better about herself if she inflicts more pain to others and why? She hates herself! Wake up! I’m here if you ever want to vent or just read someone who is not giving up to demons. No one deserves our destruction, no one!

    Trinity

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    • I’ve always had difficulty loving myself. I’ve always had issues with self-esteem and confidence. And I think this is why her abuse has had such a devastating effect on my life as it proved my belief that I should hate myself, as other people hate me just as much. The logic is flawed, but to my damaged mind, makes sense. Over the years I’ve tried to block out her words, think positively about myself and reprogram my brain’s processing, but being on my own, and having dealt with the problems that I have (abuse, assault, homelessness) little has worked. But I still try. I still keep fighting no matter how much pain I’m in. Maybe one day I will overcome her abuse, but I feel I will only do so with the help of trained professionals…who, at this stage in my life, I can’t afford to pay for. But thank you for your kind words, they mean the world to me! :)

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      • Good to know you’ll keep fighting…! I too have an uncertain future because I don’t own a house or even am financial independent. I can be homeless as well when my provider dies because I don’t have the clue how much I’ll get in the “testament” if there is one… What bothers me the most is being able to have a steady income; I’ll never live with anybody else, again, till my life is over. I don’t want to be dependent of anybody anymore. I’m a hard worker and I want to build my own small business to support me and maybe have a part-time job to help pay the rent. I too suffer from social anxiety, and bipolar. On top of that, at my age, I’m having other health problems that are restraining the strength in my hands, because my wrists are caput, from talking care of my mother. So, working on logistics is over. I hate desk jobs, I have too much energy to spend so many hours sitting and watching my ass getting bigger LOL I’m very stressed out because I don’t know what’s going to happen soon when I’ll be on my own… By the way can’t you apply for a state therapist? (I don’t know how they call it there…)
        All the best,
        Trinity

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  5. Dearest Addy,
    Sending you so much love and support.
    Charlotte xx

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  6. I don’t have the answer and I wish the wand I have could actually do magic so I could help more than just leaving a comment.

    Thank you for sharing this writing and I hope very much it helped you to get it out. I know you still go through hell but I just wanted to remind you that the shit with your ex, is over. I hear my abusers voice and feel his impact in my body but I just keep reminding myself that it is over. I only have the memories and they can only hurt me if I let them. It’s always easier said than done but I believe it needs to be said. These people are called abusers for a reason. It is because they are wrong. If they were right then it wouldn’t be abuse. They are wrong. Your ex is wrong.

    Please stay safe Addy. You’ve worked hard to get to this point and that counts for something

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    • Thank you for the kind words. Writing about how I was feeling did help. I find it always helps to write things down. It feels a little like I’m exorcising the dark thoughts, which can only be a good thing. I know deep down that the abuse is over, but translating that belief into real life has proved more difficult than I imagined. For some reason I still allow her words to have control over me, and I wish I could just stop, but alas it isn’t as simple as that. I will keep fighting, keep working toward overcoming the trauma, and perhaps one day I will succeed.

      Suffice to say I will do everything possible to keep myself safe. You have my word on that! Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

      Liked by 1 person

      • It is really hard to let go of abuse. I know I have had difficulty explaining to people why I remain stuck sometimes. Abuse is just a very significant event and it does significant damage. Little steps at time :) It’s good to hear from you :) Have a good one! Do something nice for yourself!!

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  7. I echo what the others here say, and I want to add that I just checked and I’m human so not EVERY human on the planet hates you. I adore you. I would (and do) miss you if you didn’t blog. I’m grateful you can share this post with us. You HAVE changed since you started this blog, but the wee hours of the night are not the time to see ANYthing positive in the world. I don’t have any advice at all. I just want you to know that there are those of us here who worry about you and care about you. As prideinmadness said above, stay safe.

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    • Thank you for your kind words. I’ve found over the years that the middle of the night is never a good time for positivity or epiphanies, but it’s also the time I seem to do my deepest, more personal thinking. I think I need to change this! I don’t plan on doing anything about my conclusion in the near future, and I will do everything possible to keep myself safe, so expect the occasional blog post coming your way. I don’t want to let my abuser win and will do everything to stop that from happening. Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

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  8. Beautifully and elegantly written. Your openness is astounding. :)

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  9. Hi Addy. Sorry for my delay in leaving a comment, but I agree with what others here have said. Your abuser was a liar. You are not any of the things that she said you were. I don’t know if this is of any help, but look at how many people care about you enough to leave comments asking you to reconsider your conclusion. I always hated the saying that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” as well. It’s so trite and ignorant. I wish I could do something to make things better for you. You deserve to have a much happier and mentally healthier future, free from misery and abuse.

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    • Thanks for your kind words. Deep down I know my abuser was a liar but I just cannot seem to convince my conscious mind that what she said was untrue. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to move past all she said to me, but I fear that day is a long way off. And your words are help enough, reading them does make things better. Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

      Liked by 1 person

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