All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


11 Comments

Sunday Stealing: I want you to be free from me

Okay, so I was somewhat slack last week. I had a lazy weekend curled up on the couch and didn’t get around to indulging in my regular Sunday Stealing. But today is a new week, and I have a bit more energy, so settle back and enjoy another jaunt through the magnificent world of Sunday Stealing! :)

Are your nails painted a dark or light color?

I’ve never been one to paint my nails. Sure, some men feel the need to decorate, but I don’t. So at this precise moment in time my nails are normal, fleshy coloured.

Have you ever order pizza online?

I have. When I feel like treating myself I order Dominoes online. They’re not the best tasting pizzas in the world, but their online ordering system is simple and easy to use. Plus, they offer a tracking service so you can see how far along the production line your pizza is. Which is kinda cool! :)

What color was the last candle you lit?

Red. The best colour of candle. For that matter, the best colour of anything!

Is there something written on your shirt right now?

Nope, I’m just wearing a plain green T-Shirt. No writing, no picture, no adornments of any kind.

Is there a bookshelf in your room?

I have bookshelves all over my unit. I love books. They make me feel safe and secure.

Do you own a treadmill?

No. I’m too far under the poverty line for such a luxury.

Have you ever signed up for a gym membership?

I have. And like most people I’m active at the gym for the first couple of months and then never visit it again.

Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it?

No. I’m too far under the poverty line for such a luxury. I just have a plastic bag hanging off a cupboard handle.

Have you ever read in the bathtub?

Unfortunately, I currently don’t have a bathtub, so there is no reading in the bath for me. But when I did used to live somewhere with one, I would frequently read in the tub. In fact, there’s nothing more relaxing than soaking in a steaming hot tub of water whilst reading your favourite book.

Have you ever had to wear a hairnet?

No. Like treadmills and garbage cans, I’m too far under the poverty line for such a luxury! :)

Do you know how many pages the last book you read had?

The last book I read was The Dead Beat by Doug Johnstone. A gripping, page turner of a thriller that had 250 action packed pages.

What day of the week does the laundry usually get done?

Sunday. Easily the best day of the week to do laundry. Unless it’s raining, in which case, any day will do really!

Do you use the Facebook chat often?

I never use Facebook chat. My social anxiety precludes the use of any real-time communication software. I’m much more at ease liking and commenting as I can take hours thinking of the right words to express my point of view. Something you can’t really do in chat.

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer?

I do. And to prove it, here’s baby Addy:

1978

Baby Addy | Leeds (1978)

Do you eat onion rings?

No. I don’t eat onions of any kind. Disgusting, horrible things that they are.

What flavor of tea did you last have?

Peppermint; my favourite flavour of tea.

Do you own a bathrobe?

Yep, you guessed it. I’m too far under the poverty line for such a luxurious item!

Did you/will you have coffee or some other form of caffeine today?

I abhor coffee. I hate the smell, I hate the taste, I hate everything about it. My only caffeine comes from the copious amounts of coca-cola that I drink. And yes, I have had some today, as I do most days.

Do you have a mailbox or do you collect your mail from the post office?

I have a mailbox! But only because there was one already in place when I moved in. If I’d had to buy my own, I wouldn’t, as – that’s right – I’m too far below the poverty line to afford such a luxury.

What was the last animal you saw, and was it a pet?

The last animal I saw was a bird, nonchalantly sitting on my back fence. The last flightless animal I saw was a koala at Melbourne Zoo in 2013. Neither were pets.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Koala | Melbourne Zoo (2013)

What was the last documentary you watched focusing on?

The last documentary I watched was West Of Memphis, which focused on the trials and tribulations of the West Memphis Three.

Is there anything you need to remember to do before the day ends?

Eat dinner. My depression has been pretty bad today, so if I don’t remind myself to do it, I’ll go hungry.

Is your car messy, or do you like to keep it clean?

I don’t own a car. Surprisingly, as I can’t even afford a garbage can, I’m too far under the poverty line to afford such a luxury! ;)

Are you the type to wake up before the sun has even risen?

I used to be. I used to be a very early riser. But these days, courtesy of the psychiatric medication I take, I’m rarely, if ever, up before the sun.

Do you get uncomfortable when people stare at you?

Yes. What gives them the right to stare at me. It’s not as if I’m good-looking or sexy. If they’re staring, it must be because they think I’m a hideous oaf.

Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time?

The longest I’ve ever been in hospital was in January/February of this year, when I was forced into a two and a half week stay due to pancreatitis. One of the most boring and uninspired two and a half weeks of my life!

Advertisements


11 Comments

Sunday Stealing: Shout Out The Answer

Another Sunday, another installment of Sunday Stealing. This week’s meme was politely stolen from My Random Randomness. Enjoy! :)

garibaldi3

Garibaldi, in British Columbia, Canada

Do you shout out the answers at the TV while watching quiz shows?

I don’t so much shout the answers out, I just mutter them under my breath.

Do you get over-involved with TV or movie plots at times?

Frequently. I love television shows with a fiery, intense passion. I love the (at times) over complicated character arcs and deftly plotted story developments. To be honest, if you don’t get involved with the plots, there’s no point watching the show. Getting involved is what it’s all about.

What’s the highest hill or mountain you’ve ever climbed?

Garibaldi, in British Columbia, Canada. I hiked it with my friend Annie one balmy summer’s day in 2000. We were going to swim in the lake at the top but decided that it was far too cold for a playful dip. We were having such a good day we didn’t want hypothermia to spoil our fun.

Do you have a piggy bank?

I don’t, but Meadhbh does. She has a Disney Fairies piggy bank that she uses to save up cash to spend on fun and frivolity. It’s got about $10 in coins in at the moment, only $10 shy of her goal of $20 for the Tinkerbell and the Neverbeast DVD.

What’s the fastest you’ve ever traveled in a car?

I have absolutely no idea.

Could you ever hand milk a cow?

If my life and/or the lives of others depended on it, I’m sure I could.

Which was your favorite science? Biology, Physics or Chemistry?

I hated all science subjects at school, although if I was forced to choose, it would probably be chemistry. I loved playing with all the test tubes and bunsen burners.

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise)

Nope. No-one’s ever loved me enough to organise one. :(

Have you ever worn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?

Nope. Can’t say that I have.

Have you ever slipped on a banana skin?

Nope. Surprisingly, the last time I checked, I didn’t live in a slapstick comedy.

Are you scared of the dark?

Nope. I love the dark. It makes me feel wonderful.

Do you have a lawyer?

Nope. I live and abide by the laws of the land so have never needed the services of a lawyer.

If you had a paid year off, what would you want to do?

I would travel the world. I have pretty itchy feet at the moment and would love to revisit Canada, before traveling the length and breadth of the Americas, Europe and Asia. Unfortunately I live in abject poverty, so can’t afford to quell my traveling urges right now. But a paid year off…I’d be gone in a heartbeat! :)

How long did you last phone call last?

I can’t remember the last time I spoke to someone on the phone, but it was probably my parents, and would have been 40mins or so in duration.

Have you ever helped someone across the road?

Yes. Many times. You have to help people whenever possible. It’s the decent thing to do.

Have you ever been wolf whistled in public?

No. And if I was ever wolf whistled, the perpetrator better be ready to receive a flying bitch slap.


8 Comments

Sunday Stealing: I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly

Well, I’ve been incapacitated over the last couple of days with some sort of stomach bug/virus/assault on my immune system, but I’m not going to let that interfere with my participation of Sunday Stealing. So I’ve doped up on drugs (all legal, over the counter ones) in preparation for this week’s meme, which was kindly swiped from Gabs survey. So settle back and join me on another random adventure! :)

zomg-scottie-puppies-e1405878287281

(2) I do love Scottish terriers, because they’re cute and from Scotland!

1. Have you ever had a pen pal?

Not really. After I moved from Scotland to Wales as a child, I kept in contact with some of my friends, but the communication was sparse and only lasted a few months. It is, after all, incredibly difficult maintaining a relationship over several hundred miles, especially at such a young age. Although it probably doesn’t count as a ‘pen pal’, the long distance relationship I maintained with Louise, whilst she was in Australia and I the UK, involved dozens of letters, care packages and surprise phone calls in order to keep our relationship afloat.

2. What’s your favorite breed of dog?

To be honest I’m more of a cat person, but I do love Scottish terriers, because they’re cute and from Scotland! :)

3. Can money buy happiness?

No. There is no amount of money on the planet, not even a quadrillion billion dollars, that can buy someone happiness. It only buys the illusion of happiness.

4. Do you listen to music when you’re down?

Sometimes. I’m more of a TV/Film person when I’m down. There’s something soothing curling up on the couch to watch my favourite show/movie that never fails to cheer me up. Which is why, over the last few days of my illness, I’ve spent my time blanketed up on the sofa working my way through seasons of Doctor Who.

5.What is one thing you spend way too much money on?

Coca-Cola; my most frustrating and unquenchable of vices.

Although, it should be noted, that up to a couple of weeks ago my answer to this question would have been tobacco. But since giving up I have spent only $14.10 on this product. Something I am eternally happy (and deeply proud) of! :)

Coca-Cola

(5) Coca-Cola; my most frustrating and unquenchable of vices.

6.Can you honestly say you’re okay right now?

No. I’m sick with some annoying bug, which is increasing my depression, and causing untold damage to my anxiety. Throw in the constant battle I have with PTSD and related trauma issues…and I’m really not okay. In fact, it’s been several years since I would have answered ‘yes’ to this question.

7.What was the last thing you spent money on?

Panadol. I’ve just got back from a short walk to the local pharmacy to stock up on this delightful painkiller. It’s not something I wanted to do. I was quite happy curled up on the couch. But I was in pain, and had used the last of my Panadol last night, so I was forced to acquire new stock.

8.Is your current hair color mostly your natural hair color?

Yes. A dark blonde/hazel coloured concoction. The last time my hair wasn’t its natural colour was in mid-2007, after I dyed it a tragic shade of red whilst lost to the pain and trauma of mental breakdown. To this day I’ve never been able to explain why I chose such a shocking colour to dye my hair, but dye it I did, and looked like a massive tool for a couple of months. Just the ramifications of a mental breakdown, I guess.

9.Who have you texted in the last 24 hours?

No-one. I haven’t sent a text message in months. One of the downsides of living a socially isolated, lonely life! :(

10.Were you in a good mood last night?

No. I was sick and feeling nauseous much of the evening. One of the downsides of a viral infection! :(

Sick-Ecard

(10) No. I was sick and feeling nauseous much of the evening. One of the downsides of a viral infection!

11.Do you have a reason to smile right now?

Not really. As I have explained, I’m not in the best of physical health right now, and few people smile their way through an illness. It’s zapped me of all energy and left me pretty deflated. I’m hoping it’s not going to last for much longer as, after my pancreatitis and cyst earlier this year, I’m pretty over being ill this year. I could do with a few months feeling relatively ‘normal’.

12. How often do you hold back what you want to say?

Always. It’s one of the perils of social anxiety. Rarely do I speak what’s on my mind, rarely do I say what I really want to say. I’m too scared of upsetting people, of creating an (avoidable) confrontational situation, to do such a proactive thing. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t the case, sometimes I wish I could unleash what I really thought, but I can’t see that happening any time in the near future.

13. Do you think that in the end, everything will fall into place?

Up until this year, I did, but I lost hope for a better future sometime around my hospital stay in January/February. I now no longer believe that things will get better. I firmly believe that my life will be this miserable, lonely, socially ostracized nightmare for the rest of time. It’s frustrating, but until I can rediscover my hope, it’s how things have to be.

14.Are you currently looking forward to anything?

The only thing on the horizon that I’m looking forward to is a holiday to Melbourne. It’s not confirmed as yet, but I’m hoping to go the week of 21st August as there’s a gathering I’ve been invited to which would be a wonderful challenge for my anxiety. The rest of the week would be spent re-exploring my old home, visiting galleries and museums and generally enjoying a break from my humdrum, monotonous life. It’s what I need at the moment after such a rough, hope-lost year! :)

15.Do you have any TV shows on DVD?

Yes. To name a few: Eureka (all seasons), Nikita (all seasons), Supernatural (seasons 1-9), Doctor Who (series 1,2,3,4,5,6), Game of Thrones (seasons 1 thru 4), 24 (all seasons), True Blood (all seasons), Twin Peaks (seasons 1 and 2), Parks and Recreation (seasons 1,2,3,4,5,6) and Stargate Universe (seasons 1 and 2). I am a huge lover of the medium of television and have been most of my life. In fact, when they started released TV shows on DVD, my life was made infinitely better. So thank you to all manufacturers of such DVDs; you have made me a blissfully happy man! :)

CIMG1669-630x472

(15) Thank you to all manufacturers of [TV Show] DVDs; you have made me a blissfully happy man!

And that’s it for another week. I hope everyone is feeling both physically and mentally better than I am at the moment. We’ll be back to do the whole Sunday Stealing thing at the same time next week! Until then, wishing you all a happy, joyous Sunday! :)


8 Comments

Sunday Stealing: Let’s Not Be Difficult

It’s Sunday, so once again it’s time to exercise our brain muscle with a series of lighthearted questions. Sunday Stealing originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. And this weeks meme was kindly stolen from surveysurveysurvey. Enjoy! :)

poltergeist

(1) Horror movies (which are the equivalent of comedies to me)

1. Do you like your movies and books to be more lighthearted or serious?

This entirely depends on what mood I’m in. If I’m in a seriously depressed, melancholic funk, I prefer lighthearted comedies or horror movies (which are the equivalent of comedies to me). But if I’m in a manic, hypomanic or just feeling damn good episode, I love watching more serious, thought-provoking movies.

2. What’s more important, first impressions or lasting impact?

Lasting impact is infinitely more important than a first impression. People who draw their opinion of someone from a first impression are missing out. What if a person is having a bad day when you first meet them, and that impression means you never see that person again. You’re missing out on a potentially magnificent friendship because you assumed something that may not be correct. Better to go with lasting impact, it’s a lot kinder.

3. Order these areas of psychological health from what you need the least improvement into what you need the most improvement in: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, spiritual.

i. Social; I am the most unsocial human being the world has ever produced. I have no friends in real life. I have no acquaintances in real life. Everyone I communicate with exists on the internet. And just so that you know, my loneliness isn’t by choice, I love friends, I’m a better person when I have people around me. It’s just I suffer from a condition known as social anxiety, which prevents me from making connections and instigating/continuing conversation. It’s hard, and it’s painful and it’s everyday. And you never get used to it. Ever.
ii. Emotional; With the plethora of mental illnesses that I suffer from, my emotional well-being could certainly do with a good massage.
iii. Intellectual; I keep my brain pretty engaged through reading articles, reading books and doing brain exercises. But I could do more.
iv. Environmental; I hate the town I live in with a fiery, intense passion. I want to move, it would help my emotional well-being if I did, but alas, because I live in poverty, it just isn’t financially viable for me to move at the moment!
v. Physical; I go to the gym two, three times a week. I walk every day. I do yoga a couple of times a week. It’s not bad, but it could be better.
vi. Spiritual; I’m not a religious man, so I’m not too fussed about this particular part of my emotional well-being. I believe in faeries, though, does that count as being spiritual?

4. Do you react appropriately to things and control your feelings?

Most of the time I react appropriately to things. But there are always going to be times when there’s an overreaction or loss of control. That’s just part and parcel of living with severe mental illness. It’s frustrating, but something I’ve just had to get used to.

5. Do you have stable relationships?

I don’t have any relationships, stable or otherwise. Which is pretty sad, when you think about it.

url

(5) I don’t have any relationships, stable or otherwise.

6. Do you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself?

No. When I’m in a relationship I find I have an increased level of confidence and self-esteem, but I don’t draw my energy from the other person. I’ve learnt over the years that you must have a good perception of who you are otherwise every relationship you attempt will fail. If you can’t feel good by yourself, how can you expect someone else to make you feel good?

7. Which is the clearest and most concise, your thoughts, your speech or your writing? Which is the least clear and concise?

My writing is the most clear and concise because I can spend time thinking about it, writing it and editing it to convey exactly what I wish. My speech is the least clear, because it is governed by my social anxiety, which makes it difficult for me to think on the move or react swiftly to speech cues, facial movement or body language.

8. Are you always trying to learn new things?

Yes. Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t keep trying to educate ourselves.

9. Do you feel at peace?

Certainly not. Another disadvantage of suffering from severe mental illnesses.

10. Do you have strong morals and ethics that you believe in and adhere to?

Yes. I’ve found that fewer people are living to an ethical moral code these days. They just do whatever they want, whenever they want, and to hell with other people. The only thing that matters to most are themselves, and I abhor such an arrogant, self-centered view on life. So whenever possible I adhere to my strict moral and ethical code. Putting other people first; it’s just who I’ve chosen to be.

cb0088c2a4a05e63c037f0b4711779ef

(10) Fewer people are living to an ethical moral code these days

11. Do you think of the needs of all humanity or just the needs of yourself and those you know?

As I just said, I abhor people who put themselves first. Other people, creatures or the environment are far more important than your own self-absorbed life, and if more people thought the way I do, this world would be a far friendlier, more pleasurable place to live.

12. Do you recycle?

I do. Every week.

13. Are you active in your community?

No. My social anxiety prevents my involvement in community or social based activities. It’s frustrating, as I would love to be more active in the community, as it might mean I would make new friends and acquaintances, but I have to protect myself first. And if that means avoiding social interaction, so be it.

14. Are you sensitive to the needs of others?

Yes. I’d like to think that I am.

15. Do you dress up to go out?

I rarely, if ever, go out. But if I did I would dress for the occasion. So if that meant a suit and tie, I would don a suit and tie. And look jolly spiffing in it if I may say so.

Sheilas-Feb-Casual-sexism-3

 (16) Sexism

16. What could make you lose respect for someone?

Arrogance. Abuse. Defending an abusive person. Selfishness. Murder. Rape. Torture. Not accepting of sexual proclivities. Sexism. Homophobic. Doesn’t like jam. You know, all the important things.

17. If you won $1,000 every week until you die, would you still go to work?

Work isn’t just about making money. Work is something we do to feel alive, to feel connected to the world, to feel important. Without it we are essentially nothing. And I should know, as I haven’t worked in over six years! I would love to work, regardless of how much money I’m being given each week.

18. What trend has been getting on your nerves lately?

Selfies. Especially selfies being taken at the location of a tragedy, like those people who flocked to the beach in Tunisia, or think it’s acceptable to take a picture of yourself at the scene of a car crash. Have some bloody respect for your fellow humanity, you self-centered, narcissistic assholes!

19. Do you forgive yourself when you make a mistake?

No. I am atrocious at forgiving myself. Mainly because very few people have ever forgiven my mistakes, so I don’t know what it feels like to be forgiven. My mind has decided it needs to hold myself accountable for everything I have ever done wrong. It’s painful. It’s exhausting. It’s who I am. Just the other day someone asked me to forgive myself, and no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I did the wrong thing. It should never be forgiven.

20. Is ignorance really bliss?

No. Bliss is lying naked in bed, smothering your partners genitalia with honey before licking it off with all your might! :p

Honey

(20) Bliss is lying naked in bed, smothering your partners genitalia with honey before licking it off with all your might!

21. What can be described as ‘even better than the real thing’?

My homemade toasted cheese sandwiches. Coca-Cola (which I have an unfortunate addiction to!) Chocolate HobNobs. And spanking.

22. What’s in your wallet right now?

Some receipts. Some coupons. A photo of my niece and nephew. A few moths. And, alas, no money.

23. Do you write letters that you never send?

All the bloody time. (Note: you can check some of them out here!)

24. Do you ever get the feeling people are laughing at you?

All the time. It’s part and parcel of my social anxiety. I’m forever adamant that I’m being judged, laughed at or people are planning my ritual public humiliation. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, but it’s something I’ve learned to live with over the years.

25. Who’s the one person you’d like to drop a house on?

Kim-effing-Kardashian! She annoys the living crap out of me! And if Tony Abbott should happen to be standing next to her, so be it!


10 Comments

Sunday Stealing: I Want To Be Famous

It’s Sunday, and I’m running low on internet credit, but I’m not going to let that stop me partaking in another round of Sunday Stealing. Today’s meme is gleefully swiped from Surveysurveysurvey. So buckle up and settle down for another whirl through the randomness that is my mind!

1. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 

I’m not sure I would like to be famous. I like my privacy. I like walking down the street without people flocking to me for autographs, selfies (and the occasional belfie). But if I were to be famous, if I were to end up being universally loved and adored, I would like it to be for something that mattered. Not because my arse repeatedly tried to break the internet or I was the star of an atrocious, galling, reality show. Perhaps for being an advocate-supreme of mental health matters, or that I’d published a book which had resonated with readers and changed their lives in subtle ways. I think I’d like to be famous for something like that.

2. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? 

Always. I abhor using the telephone. It is an object of great anxiety and stress. I hate it when my phone rings because I have no idea who’s calling (my phone always displays ‘unknown’, even if the number of the person who’s calling is programmed in or not!) or what they want me to do (invariably when people phone me they want me to do something!) So on the rare occasions that I phone people (and it really is a rare occurrence) I plan for hours, if not days, beforehand what I’m going to say and every permutation of what the recipient may say in response. I am nothing if not prepared! :)

3. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? 

Waking up after a deep, nightmare free sleep, to squeeze my significant other’s posterior (What? You said ‘perfect’ day. And in my perfect day I am in a happy, loving and mutual relationship with a woman who respects my lust for her excellent bottom!) and wish them a beautiful, glorious day. I would then prepare a round of poached eggs on sourdough toast for us both before we stayed in bed to read the newspaper and have occasional bouts of glorious sexual intercourse until the clock clicked round to midday.

We would be then forced to rouse from our snuggleathon, else we would consider ourselves lazy, for a bracing hike through the Scottish wilderness (What? In my ‘perfect’ day I live in Scotland, okay?) Upon returning from our constitutional we would have more bouts of glorious sexual intercourse, most likely in the kitchen, before snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie.

We would then order a pizza (potato and rosemary) for dinner which we would eat whilst casually chatting about random, bizarre topics. This conversation would last well into the evening, be peppered with belly laughs and cheeky grins, and aided by lashings of dry white wine. Once the clock had ticked over to midnight we would cease our witty conversation, retire to bed, have (you guessed it) even more bouts of glorious sexual intercourse before slipping into a deep, nightmare free sleep.

Heaven.

4. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 

The last time I sung to myself was yesterday afternoon, whilst listening to Runrig. The last time I sung to someone else was eight years ago, when I stunned my girlfriend at the time with a magnificent rendition of the theme from Fame, whilst stripping myself naked. It’s such a fun song to strip to!

5. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? 

I would much rather have the mind of a 30-year-old. Body’s are overrated, the mind is eternal.

6. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I have long believed I will commit suicide. Not a very happy or chirpy death, to be sure, but for as long as I can remember I think it’s where my life is headed. And a myriad of attempts in the past backs this up!

7. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 

My passion. Ever since I was a wee bairn I have been brimming with a kinky passion for life, action and adventure. I don’t know where I’d be without this passion. It has seen me through some dark and brutal times. In fact, no matter what mood I’ve found myself in, it’s always been there for me. And for that I’m eternally grateful.

8. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 

I wish my sister’s life hadn’t been touched by mental illness. It caused a lot of problems when I was growing up and nearly tore my family apart. If it weren’t for her health problems, my sister and I would have a closer, more ‘normal’ relationship and my parents would have been able to spend more time with me during my formative years. But aside from this I don’t think I’d change anything. My parents loved me, disciplined me when I needed it and generally taught me respect, right from wrong and the best ways to approach life. What more could you ask for?

9. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? 

Confidence. I am completely devoid of self-esteem and inner belief. I wish I had some, for my lack of it has caused many problems throughout my long, varied life.

10. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 

Will I always be alone. No, scratch that, I’d rather not know. It would be too upsetting to find out if it were true.

11. What does friendship mean to you? 

Friendship is life. Without good friends, without companionship, without someone to ease the pain and turn our worries to dust, we are nothing.

12. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 

My life has been devoid of love and affection for eight years. The closest I have come to either would have been when I was in hospital earlier this year and had a gaggle of nurses sticking me with needles and taking my blood pressure hour after hour. And I’m not sure that counts as love and affection, because stabbing someone with a pointy needle isn’t love, and being paid to do a job isn’t affection. I would love some love and affection to play a role in my life though. I miss it. I miss having someone to wake up to, someone to cuddle, someone to share my life and bizarre, kinky self with. I miss having friends who relish spending time with me, who turn to me for support or just want company on a dark, unforgiving day. Once you are without love and affection, you realise how important and vital it is to have such emotions in your life. I fear that until I have love and affection back in my life I will forever slide toward nothingness, for, as I just said, without friendship, we are nothing.

13. When did you last laugh?

This morning, whilst watching Good Game Spawn Point (a video game show) on iView. I shouldn’t have done as I knew I was running out of internet credit, but the urge to see the presenters cosplay Jeff Goldblum and a T-Rex (she was dressed in a cute dinosaur onesie) was too much for me to resist.

14. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

I am very much a night owl. For many years I battled insomnia, still do to this day, so much of my best work and thinking is done during the dark, nighttime hours. Also, owls are cool. Who wouldn’t want to be a groovy, cute little owl?

15. Seen anything weird lately?

Does a TV presenter dressed in a cute dinosaur onesie count? If not, no, I haven’t seen anything weird lately. Unfortunately.

And there we have it. Sunday Stealing is done and dusted for another week. Sorry for the lack of pretty pictures this week but I need to conserve what little internet credit I have left, so can’t go roaming around Google like I usually do. If you don’t hear from me for a while, don’t worry, I’m still alive and kicking, it’s just I have to wait until I get paid next before I can recharge my GB allowance. It’s a pain, and major annoyance, but just another part of living a life in abject poverty! Until next time, stay happy and well! :)


10 Comments

Sunday Stealing: Mash Up Meme

It’s Sunday. So once again it’s time for Sunday Stealing.
This week’s meme has been happily swiped from My Random Randomness. Enjoy! :)

tumblr_nefnle4aHv1re3eydo1_1280

(1) Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning…

1. What’s overdue for a good cleaning?

Depression is my friend. We are intimately connected and have been since I was thirteen years old. Depression stops me from doing many things; for example, socializing, laughing, smiling, feeling contented, enjoying strawberry jam on toast and cleaning. Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning. When the shadow of darkness clouds my soul, the last thing I want to do is clean. Thus, my kitchen, nay, my entire house, needs a damn good clean.

2. What’s overdue for some kind of professional examination, service, maintenance, or upkeep? 

Me. It’s been a while since I last had a professional examination or general maintenance. I could do with a long soak in a hot bath, followed by a deep tissue massage, followed by all manner of things to make my skin glow and my soul sing. But alas, I doubt it will happen in the near future. :(

3. Who’s overdue for a phone call or letter to you? 

Given my mental health, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. I have few friends to speak of and even fewer that I keep in regular contact with. Perhaps some of my Canadian friends, whom I met whilst traveling that fair, wide land, would appreciate a letter to update them on my actions since we last spoke. But I fear that letter would never be sent, for I have no idea where they now live, so would have nowhere to send it.

Pink

(4) Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert…

4. What’s overdue for an appearance in your neighborhood? 

Anything. My neighborhood is a miserable, boring, melancholy place. Nothing of note ever happens in this town. So it would be wonderful if something was to happen. Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert, or a visit from the Sword-fighting Appreciation Society of Australia, would liven up my neck of the woods. We can but dream.

5. Who’s overdue for a good comeuppance? 

Tony Abbott, the Australian Prime Minister, and general buffoon.

6. What’s a gross food you like anyway?

I was thinking last night, as I casually dined on spaghetti on toast, that this foodstuff is kinda weird. It’s very slimy, very wormy, and not very delectable on the texture scale. But all the same, I enjoyed slipping it down my throat.

7. Who’s an unlikable person you like anyway?

I can’t think of a single person whom I like that I would consider unlikable. unlikable people, like Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Paris Hilton, are people I have little to no time for. In fact, I only have time for decent, wonderful people, like David Tennant, Vanessa Hudgens or Karen Gillan.

8. What’s an unpleasant task you enjoy performing anyway?

Vacuuming. I love vacuuming and don’t understand why people dislike this household chore with as much passion as they do.

9. What’s a dumb song you enjoy anyway?

10. What’s a lousy restaurant you frequent anyway?

There are no restaurants I frequent on a regular basis. In fact, it’s been over eighteen months since I last dined out. Due to my mental health I live on a disability pension, and unfortunately, paying someone else to cook for me is just not within my budget!

11. What’s your favourite Sci-fi film/program etc?

Film: (one of the few films I would rate as a masterpiece of cinema!)

Television program: (as if you couldn’t guess, given yesterday’s post!)

12. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading?

I have not. The closest I’ve come was getting my fortune told in the middle of Rundle Mall when I was manic in Adelaide. She told me in six weeks things would change, and six weeks later, my mania ceased. So maybe there’s something to all this psychic mumbo-jumbo.

13. Have you ever used the phrase “back in my time” to someone younger than you?

No. Like I said, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. And that includes people who are younger than me!

14. Have you ever done something really unbelievable, only to have no one around to see it?

I fell off the treadmill whilst at the gym the other day. That was pretty unbelievable. But given the tittering of laughter and applause that rippled round the gym, people did in fact see that wondrous moment. I guess the closest I can think of to achieving something unbelievable that no-one witnessed was writing my novel, which was lost when my backpack was stolen during my homeless experience. Thus, it is the great unread novel.

15. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building names after you?

I would much rather have a building named after me. Perhaps an art gallery, museum or library. People have told me I’m not a very attractive fellow (and by people, I mean the sociopathic narcissist who abused me for several months) so I don’t think I would be all that pretty a statue. It might scare the kiddies. And that wouldn’t be a good thing!


4 Comments

Sunday Stealing: Unusual Things

It’s Sunday. Which means it’s once again time for Sunday Stealing.
This week’s magnificent meme was lifted from My Random Randomness. Enjoy!

snugglinginbed

(1) And yes, it’s been a very lonely six and a half years since then!

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?

I find this question a little odd. Why must it be a person of the opposite sex that I laid in bed with? What if I’m gay, what if I enjoy laying in bed with members of my own sex? On the weekend that the USA legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide I find this a very #lovedoesntwin question. But to answer your somewhat homophobic question, the last person of the opposite sex I laid in bed with would have been Diane, my girlfriend circa July 2008-February 2009. And yes, it’s been a very lonely six and a half years since then!

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?

I don’t go out to eat all that often as being socially isolated, suffering from social anxiety and misophonia, it is a very depressing and lonely thing to do. The last time I did go out to eat was over eighteen months ago, when members of the Hearing Voices Support Group descended on the Hog’s Breath Cafe in Albury for a lunchtime bite to eat. I had a Chicken Caesar Wrap, and it was quite delicious!

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?

Given my addictive nature, I’ve had trouble with alcohol in the past. In fact, I work damn hard to remain sober, as turning to the demon drink would be an easy thing to do, and offer much comfort from the pain filled lonely life that I find myself living. The last drink I had was some rosé wine during the summer of 2013, when I relapsed into binge drinking in order to cope with the depression that had descended during the Christmas/New Year period. I’m not proud of turning to the demon drink during this period, but it felt like the only option I had at the time.

4. Which do you prefer – eyes or lips?

Eyes. They’re the window to the soul and full to brimming with magic, beauty and gorgeousness.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?

Fine arts. I have little to no interest in medicine and lawyers are no better than serial killers, in my humble opinion.

6. Best kind of pizza?

Potato and rosemary. Delicious! I’m not a fan of store-cooked or frozen pizza, I prefer cooking my own from scratch, dough and all. It tastes so much nicer and you can relish in the awesomeness of your cooking ability whilst you’re chowing down on your majestic creation!

7. Is your bedroom window open?

Yes. My bedroom window is always open. I like the breeze, even on freezing cold nights! :)

8. What is in store for your future?

More of the same boring, monotonous crap that is in my present. A continuation of the socially isolated, lonely life that I’m currently living. No friends. No love. No life. Nothing but pain, agony and the torment imposed on me by my mental illnesses. Wow. I’m in an optimistic mood today! ;)

9. Who was the last band you saw live?

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?

I don’t have any friends. But if I had some, yes, I would take care of them while they were sick. As I always did when I had friends all those years ago.

11. Any historical figures that you envy?

Not that I can think of. Aside from Audrey Hepburn’s husband. I’m envious of him, the lucky git! ;)

12. How many songs are on your iTunes?

13,249 songs. Most of which came from CDs borrowed from the library and CDs gifted to me by my father.

13. What brand of digital camera do you own?

Olympus. It was a gift from my Aunt. And a wonderful gift at that! :)

14. When was the last time you got a good workout?

Last Wednesday, when I went to the gym for the first time in two years. I’ve recently acquired a free three-month gym membership courtesy of a program the YMCA run for people with mental health issues. I fully intend to go three times a week, commencing tomorrow! :)

respect1a

(15) Spanking naughty bottoms! :p

15. Are you experienced?

Yes. I am experienced at many things. Living with bipolar affective disorder. PTSD. Social anxiety. Homelessness. How to operate a DVD player. Cooking jacket potatoes. Rolling cigarettes. Hugging. Massaging. Slicing broccoli. Kissing in the rain. Spanking naughty bottoms. Many things.

16. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?

The local charity shop. I refuse to spend extortionate amounts of money on clothes.

17. Are you a quitter?

Nope. I see things through until the bitter end.

18. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?

19. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?

Probably envy. Possibly sloth. But I’m getting better at both of them.

20. Did you just have to Google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?

Nope. I’m a big David Fincher fan and count Seven as his third greatest film.