All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

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Always celebrate the small victories

Take it from someone who knows, depression sucks! When those feelings of worthlessness and despair overwhelm you even the things you love most fail to bring any pleasure. In these times, it’s important to celebrate the small victories rather than wallow in the large failures.

This weekend – courtesy of chance and hard bloody work – I experienced the most relaxing and happy two days in living memory.

Eight small victories I celebrated this weekend (in no particular order)

1. Whip-Lash

Whilst perusing a charity shop on Saturday morning I performed a double-take so great I’m still suffering from whiplash. Normally, a double-take of this magnitude is reserved for Vanessa Hudgens or Audrey Hepburn, not a DVD gathering dust in a charity shop. But when the title in question was Lost in Time such an action was warranted.

For those not familiar with this title, let me explain. Lost in Time is a DVD released by the BBC under their Doctor Who range. Back in the 1960s and 70s the BBC, in all their astute wisdom, decided to destroy hundreds of episodes of Doctor Who. In the days before video and DVD they believed they wouldn’t be needed anymore so chucked them in a fiery inferno! Fortunately, this practice was stopped but not before the loss of dozens of classic moments in television history!

Lost in Time is a three disc DVD that collects eighteen of the episodes that exist from these lost stories, as well as a plethora of commentaries, documentaries and exciting special features.

And I found it in a charity shop – unscratched – for $1!

2. I Still Hate Running

Following my rather chaotic previous attempt at running I had vowed to never do it again. But, like Sean Connery discovered, never say never again. For this Saturday, fuelled by insomnia, I slipped on my short shorts and went for a mad dash around the backstreets and abandoned railways in a valiant attempt to get my arse back in shape.

Fortunately, there was no blood lost this time, so…small victory!

3. Sucker Punch

I’ve wanted to see this film for years, and this weekend, I watched it. It has Vanessa Hudgens in it. Cue happy face :)

4. Coconut Rice

Given I rarely have any money I eat a lot of rice. Usually it’s just a big plate of rice. If I’m lucky, I may be able to scrape together a few vegetables. If I’m really lucky, I get to have tofu. This weekend I found a pack of organic tofu in the discount section of my supermarket. This, combined with a tin of coconut milk from the food back, meant I could create a delicious coconut rice with tofu and stir-fried vegetable dish for my dinner.

Certainly beat the bowl of gravy I had on Wednesday last week!

5. Well somebody’s never been to Scotland!

Oh Steven Moffat, how dare you write a line that makes me smile whenever I think of it! How am I supposed to wallow if I have a magic sentence that immediately puts a smile on my face?

For those who don’t know, this was a beautifully timed, magnificently delivered line in the series 7 premiere of Doctor Who – further cementing my opinion that Karen Gillan is one of the best actresses currently working today.

6. Raspberry Blancmange

On Saturday, I wrote a short story called Raspberry Blancmange. The first fiction I’ve written for a very long time. Perhaps, once I’ve edited it, I’ll post it for all to read.

7. Socializing

Not only have I resumed Tweeting, as promised, I have also restarted using a social network that I hope will get me talking to other people again.

8. Spanking my anxiety

Following my abandoned series on anxiety last week I made it clear I freak out about leaving comments on websites. On the rare occasions that I do leave a comment it’s usually several days later when I’m reasonably sure no-one will read it.

On Sunday, I wrote and posted a comment on the day an article was published. For about three and a half minutes I rode an ‘anxiety, get ye to the corner’ high before beginning to freak out over what I’d done.

But for those three and a half minutes, the world was my mini-giraffe!

Today’s 365 Day Challenge prompt was : what did you do this weekend?

I’ve just told you what I did, but what about you? What small victories did you celebrate this weekend?

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033. Seven things that make me happy (as searched via Google)

Once upon a time there was a prompt featured in my 365 Day Challenge that asked me to list twenty-five things that made me happy. If you missed this epic post, you can read it here. Now, I am being asked for seven (more) things that make me happy!

So rather than simply list seven (more) random things that make me happy I have decided to use the search terms that have drawn people to this blog as my inspiration…which has made me realise just how sexually obsessed most Googlers are, or is it just I don’t realise how obsessed I am?

1. Supergirl Spanking [101 searches]

It seems the popularity of a certain “literary” sensation has triggered an increase of kinky internet users to my blog. Although, it’s most likely that being sent to random posts written by a socially isolated homeless man instead of naughty stories about naughty boys and girls doesn’t quite provide the fulfillment they were hoping for, but thems the breaks.

Given my predilection toward dropping spanking into random posts it’s not surprising people keep finding my blog courtesy of this word, but I’m perplexed that so many people have stumbled here using the search term “Supergirl Spanking”.

Perhaps superhero fans are simply taking their kinky side to the next level and throwing cosplay into their inspired-by-the-book bedroom play?

And why not ;)

Here are ten spanky-panky alternative pairings for those who aren’t Supergirl fans:

– Batman and Catwoman (goes without saying really, given the whip and all!)
– Spider-Man and MJ (up to you who’s on top, though I think MJ is the dominant in that relationship!)
– The Hulk and Thor (you won’t like him when he’s angry…plus, body paint hilarity!)
– Poison Ivy and Robin (this one’s a no brainer; no chance in hell Robin is anything other than the sub!)
– Superman and Lois Lane (another that goes without saying!)
– The Blur and Green Arrow (for the Smallville Fifty Shades fans)
– Wonder Woman and Superman (the lasso of truth could be an excellent bondage toy)
– Martha and Jonathan Kent (for the non-spandex loving Fifty Shades fans!)
– Wolverine and Mystique (yay, more body paint options…just be careful with the claws, safety comes first!)

And my personal favourite;

– The Joker and Harley Quinn (just saying!)

2. Should I kill myself [97 searches]

I will answer this as simply as I can:

No matter how bad things get.

No matter how painful things are.

No matter how desperate you become.

Never – ever – kill yourself!

If you are feeling suicidal reach out to someone. Call a help line. Phone a friend. See someone who cares. I know it’s tough in those dark times to believe that anyone does, but someone always does. Always.

Whatever is happening to make you think this is the answer it will pass. I promise.

Suicide is never the answer, so please seek some help, things will get better.

3. Kinky Smileys [48 searches]

Whether this is another search term fuelled by the popularity of Fifty Shade of Grey I do not know. I do know that smileys performing kinky acts are incredibly amusing…which is why I have a collection of them!

4. Effects of emotional abuse on people with mental illness [39 searches]

I have long believed that verbal and psychological abuse can have a devastating effect on people with mental health problems. Take for example my social anxiety, where I have an irrational, continuous fear of being evaluated, scrutinized and humiliated.

Throughout my abusive relationship my partner would continuously subject me to all three of these fears – and more – which only served to reinforce my fears and render them rational. Thus it’s not my imagination that people will do this anymore, it is a reality. A reality that has increased my anxiety, and in turn, my depression.

There is also the issue of those with a mental illness are more likely to be more emotionally vulnerable than those without. Abusers will seek out a vulnerable person as they are easier to control and maintain power over. This isn’t meant as an insult, but a simple fact of the dynamics of an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately there is no real advice I can give to lessen the effect abuse has on a mentally ill individual. The only solution is to never be afraid to talk to others about what is happening and always remember that asking for help is not a weakness.

Or, more obviously, just don’t abuse anybody!

5. Strip Mario Kart [19 searches]

I mentioned this amusing party game in passing and am overjoyed that there are others out there who enjoy this activity. For those who have yet to be converted, it’s pretty simple:

1. Load up Mario Kart on your console of choice.
2. Begin playing a multiplayer game.
3. Whoever loses removes an item of clothing.
4. Repeat until nudity occurs.

Note: it is possible to play this game on your own, but be advised it’s nowhere near as much fun. I tried.

Such interest in this activity gets me thinking that there are lots of partners out there not reaching their desired level of satisfaction. So, to try to assist the sex lives of those in love with video game addicts, here are a few more Mario Kart alternatives you could try:

Spank Mario Kart:

1. Load up Mario Kart on your console of choice.
2. Begin playing a multiplayer game.
3. After a set of four races, the loser receives one spank for each point difference between the winner(s).
4. Repeat. If you’re game!

Note I: it is possible to play this game on your own, but be advised that it is nowhere near as much fun. I tried.
Note II: Be careful if playing with 3 or more people – especially if there are no cushions/ice packs readily available!

Slave Mario Kart:

1. Load up Mario Kart on your console of choice.
2. Begin playing a multiplayer game.
3. Whoever loses agrees to be the ‘slave’ of the winner for five minutes per point difference between the winner.
4. Play nice. Or naughty. But always consensual.

Note: it’s not really possible to play this game on your own, unless you enjoy bossing yourself around that is. I don’t.

Cosplay Mario Kart:

1. Choose a character.
2. Dress up as your chosen character.
3. Load up Mario Kart on your console of choice.
4. Begin playing a multiplayer game.
5. Sooner or later your video-game addicted partner’s pre-existing fantasies of getting jiggy with Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, Dry Bones (insert character here) will completely over-ride their desire to win. Which means that you most certainly will!

Note: it is possible to play this game on your own, but you run the risk of appearing a trifle odd. I prefer eccentric.

Remember, the above suggestions are not limited to Mario Kart. They work equally well with other video game franchises. Think Cosplay Super Smash Bros (who wouldn’t get a bit hot and bothered with their significant other dressed as Link or Zero Suit Samus?) or Spank Link’s Crossbow Training…the possibilities are endless, as long as you don’t mind a wee bit of creative sexiness.

6. Do mental illnesses exist? [11 searches]

To these people, let me ask you:

Does breast cancer exist?

Does diabetes exist?

Does jumping Frenchman disorder exist?

Does pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis exist?

Of course they do!

I have encountered many people throughout my life who believe mental illness doesn’t exist. On numerous occasions I have been told it is a figment of my imagination, that I’m doing it to get attention, that I’m just being lazy and not working hard enough.

Mental illness exists – period – and we need to continue raising awareness and spanking the stigma until everyone understands this. Those who think otherwise are just being discriminatory, arrogant and naïve.

7. Do you need any special skills to be an actress [6 searches]

You need to be able to act – and no – a stint on [insert reality show of choice] doesn’t count!

Well, who am I to argue with an inspirational quote?

For your (and my) amusement, here are a few more smile making search terms that have led people to my blog:

  • audry hepburn small breasts;
    I hadn’t noticed for I’m always too distracted by her enchanting eyes.
  • cobie smulders booty the avengers;
    yes, I have a crush on her too, and yes, her ‘booty’ looks amazing in The Avengers!
  • bunny eat flowers;
    so do I, are you saying I’m actually a bunny rabbit in disguise?
  • vanessa hudgens rain boots;
    and I’m sure she looks hot in them too. She does in everything!
  • games to distract me from self harm;
    Mario Kart, Mousetrap, The Legend of Zelda, Billiards, Lego Batman, Yahtzee!
  • rapunzel and pascal;
    Pascal rocks! Rapunzel is pretty awesome too (as Disney Princesses’ go)
  • benefits of bubble wrap;
    wrap some over your posterior before playing Spank Mario Kart.
  • ign’s 2009 list of the top 100 comic book villains of all time, i was ranked #45;
    really, you’re a Superviallan? Cool!
  • emotional breakdown and abused men;
    yay, someone actually cares about abused men! Who knew?
  • does anyone have a knee high socks fetish;
    why yes, yes I do :)
  • karen gillan ugly;
    them’s fighting words! Aside from me, she’s the most beautiful person to ever come out of Inverness!


031. Friendship, Anxiety and Isolation (Stream of Consciousness)

The 365 Day Challenge…a blogging endeavour I began when I restarted this blog a few months ago lasted all of thirty days before my depression cruelly yanked me from the keyboard and into the abyss of self-hate and worthlessness.

Given I was supposed to post each and every day for a year, it has obviously failed, but as this blog is about rediscovering who I once was I shall continue where I left off and hope no-one noticed :p

Today’s prompt is ‘a bit about your social life outside of your blog’.





I have no social life outside of my blog. I have no social life period. That much should be common knowledge for anyone who has had even a cursory glance around these pages. My tally of friends is zero. My family lives on the other side of the world. My budget is so tight I have no chance of going anywhere or doing anything to make new friends. In other words, I am a monumental joke, the very definition of a sad, pathetic, loser.

Yay, me!

It wasn’t always like this.

When I was a child, growing up in the rather odd little town of Portlethen, I had several friends. We would go on cinema trips to Aberdeen; Honey I Shrunk the Kids and Who Framed Roger Rabbit being stand-outs. We would play on a giant pile of mud, pretending we were wolves and then getting epic bollockings when we got home caked in smelly dirt and grime. We would play Curbie (a random game where you throw a ball and try to hit the edge of the curb), football and British Bulldogs. I even had a crush on the local hottie and, slipping on the rose-tinted glasses, it may even have been reciprocated.

But then we moved.

And then my sister’s mental illness hit.

Swiftly followed by the initial collapse of my mind.

So whilst my school mates were gallivanting around drinking, having random sexual encounters and generally acting as if they were living in a 90s version of Skins – I was sitting in my room self-harming, writing random fictional stories and having odd conversations with a hallucinated faerie called Meadhbe. All of which reduce the chance of making friends and having a social life!

In the late 1990s I decided to spank my faerie into submission and tackle both my social anxiety and self-esteem issues. Throwing my life into backpack I headed off into the wilds of Scotland where I ended up in a backpacker hostel. I remained there for four months, cunningly pretending I was part of a social network where in reality I didn’t share a single iota of information about myself, caught in a cycle of fear that were any of them to know how pathetic I was, they’d never talk to me again. But, in spite of this, the weekly drinking marathons, late night conversations, cinema trips with people, excursions and random Highland based shenanigans were excellent fun.

And then came Canada.

And then came a relationship.

And then came a year of isolated hell whilst my girlfriend did whatever she fancied not caring a jot about how I felt.

And then came Australia.

And then, four years later, an actual social network with actual human beings whom I actually shared personal information with. Not everything, I was still adamant they would despise my existence were they to know the true extent of my madness. But there were trivia nights, binge drinking sessions, long conversations in pubs with fireplaces, cheap pizza, sharing of anecdotes, shopping trips, cinema visits and the whole gauntlet of wonderful fuzzy bunny feelings that being part of a social network brings.

And then came the abuse.

And then came the breakdown.

And then came the mania.

And then came the isolation.

From then, five years ago, nothing has really been the same. A couple of days with Sammi, a few months trying to reconnect with an old friend before I screwed up, a terrible decision to move to the desert, a relationship doomed to fail because of my own inadequacies.

And then nothing.

I cannot recall the last time I was touched.

I cannot recall the last time someone called just to talk to me instead of wanting me to help them.

I cannot recall the last time I spent time with anyone.

The circle of life has returned me to those long, painful teenage years of nothing and nobody but hallucinations and an anxiety so severe I cannot even comment on websites let alone maintain conversations with actual, living, human beings.

For a while I tried to use Twitter to re-engage with society, but that fell apart when the depression hit and I haven’t returned there for months. I was also a member of a social networking site (that shall remain nameless) where I attempted to connect with people of a shared interest, but once again, since the depression hit and my anxiety escalated to uncontrollable levels, I haven’t returned – despite enjoying my time there tremendously.

In both cases I am too afraid to go back. How do I explain my months of absence? How do I explain my complete lack of a life?

People say it is easier to find a job when you already have one. Ditto for housing. The same goes for friends. If you have friends you are more likely to find yourself invited to parties and social events where you are more likely to find yourself in a position to talk to new people. Plus, regular contact with others improves your ability to communicate (see my backpacking years, and the social network in Australia period) than if you were to be, say, living in a park for three years talking to hallucinated faeries and going completely insane.

My parents believe the isolation has caused more damage than the bipolar. Something I agree with. I like to think I’m not a bad person. I like to think I’m creative, passionate, interesting, caring and…and…even as I wrote those words my inner demons are instantly dismissing them as crap.

Like others I’ve tried to befriend over the years have said. What’s wrong with me? There has to be something pretty darned wrong with me to have no-one in my life who cares whether I live or die. And there lies the problem. The moment people discover I have no friends, their mind races around trying to figure out why I don’t – usually, as I do, settling on the he’s just an evil, worthless human being.

I would love to have a social life.

I would love to have friends.

I would love to reconnect with the world.

But with my anxiety off the charts, my mental health unsupported, my inability to trust anyone (including myself) since the abusive relationship and my determination to convince myself I’m the worst human being that has ever lived (again, a product of the abuse)…I have no idea what to do but remain alone.

Like my abuser said, my voice is so boring and monotonous it inflicts pain on everyone I talk to, thus, I should kill myself to end the agony I bring to everyone.

When you don’t love yourself, when you don’t believe in yourself, when you don’t trust yourself, how can you create a social life? How do I get past the anxiety and find a way to talk to people again? What can I do to beat down the walls I’ve created to protect myself?

I honestly have no idea – and until I can find one – I can’t see me having any social life other than the isolated one I’ve been living.

This post was written as a stream of consciousness between 9:59 and 10:22. Please excuse any spelling, grammatical and woe-is-me depressive whining. I know it’s my fault I don’t have any friends and I’m trying to correct it, I just don’t know how.

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026 – 030. Salmagundi, Part 2 (Better late than never!)

Five days ago I was supposed to be catching up with my 365 Day Blog Challenge with two posts, the first one was written and the second, wasn’t. The reason the second wasn’t is because after investing in a half price USB dongle I realised I had invested in a company that provides shoddy-at-best reception and thus have been offline since 2pm on Friday afternoon.

Now I am able to connect again, here is the second post I promised all those days ago, consisting of days 26-30 of the challenge. Enjoy :)

Day 26: 5 things you’re looking forward to

The Dark Knight RisesWhat does an (ex) homeless, affected by mental ill health socially ostracised person have to look forward to? You are indeed correct, the answer is nothing.

Certainly, I could say I look forward to death so this intensely painful existence can finally be over. Plus, I suppose I’m looking forward to the introduction of the carbon tax so I can sit back and watch the majority of middle-class Australian’s realise the apocalypse will not occur as a result of it – even if it means I, part of the sub-human class, will mostly likely become homeless again as a result.

But to conform to the rules of the challenge:

1. The completion of item number one from my Bucket List, as I mentioned here.

2. The Dark Knight Rises. ‘Nuff said :p

3. I look forward to the day where all my hard work, determination, strength and sacrifice pays off and I am no longer haunted by the abuse I suffered so I can live the happy, creative, non-isolated life I deserve.

4. A Legend of Zelda game where Zelda is the primary character, dashing around Hyrule being all acrobatic, daring and adventurous as she races to rescue Link, save Hyrule and defeat the evil that has (once again) taken hold of the land. What’s wrong with a woman saving the day for once? We need more kick-ass heroines in film, TV and video games.

5. The day where there is no such thing as discrimination; where everyone is accepted for who they are, regardless of all.

Day 27: a person you wished lived closer and why

My nephew; so I can meet the wee man and most likely scare him with my quality facial hair.

Day 28: something that makes you really angry

Just one thing?

How can I choose?

The Australian homeless crisis that no-one seems to care about; the devolution of our society into a self-obsessed, narcissistic cesspit where only the self matters; the appalling mental health treatment I have received throughout my life; discrimination; the appalling stereotypes reinforced by Fifty Shades of Grey; the price of electricity and other household necessities; reality television…

…fine, if I have to choose only one thing?

There is only thing that makes me angrier than abuse. To control, deceive, manipulate, belittle, lie, beat and destroy a human being is a deplorable, despicable act. To support, justify and defend such a person is inexcusable, making abuse sympathisers the thing that makes me most angry in this world.

Day 29: a date you’d love for someone to take you on

I can’t answer this question as it is likely to illicit some form of anxiety fuelled depressive period. Sorry, but to imagine things that I want, that are never likely to happen, is painful for me. The trauma from the abuse, social anxiety, my distrust of the human race and the discrimination against the homeless means I will unlikely never be on a date again, regardless of much I yearn for a candlelit dinner, spontaneous picnic under the stars or an evening at the theatre followed by lively artistic debate over a few glasses of wine and a chocolate pastry.

Day 30: 5 favorite girls names, 5 favorite boys names

Aurora Borealis, the colored lights seen in th...When I come to create a character I never start with their name. I begin by writing a short biography of their life as I dislike writing about someone without knowing them personally; where they were born, who their parents were, whether they have any siblings, major incidents (if any) of their childhood, how and to whom they lost their virginity (I’m a stickler for details) and continue onwards through any events that shaped who they are; their belief structure, moral standpoint and ethical values.

Once I have a full understanding of how they became the person up to the commencement of the story, I look at where their life is headed over the course of the plot and then bestow them a name that reflects who they were and what they will become.

For example;

Alexander; origin, Greek; form of Alexandros; meaning, defender of mankind.
One of the easiest characters to name given his character arc from birth to death. Born in Inverness to an abusive father, Alex overcomes an introverted, traumatic childhood to become a protective yet conflicted soul who ultimately dies at his own hand before achieving his prophesied destiny of saving the world.

Douglas; origin, Gaelic; form of, Dubhghlas; meaning, Black Water.
Pseudonym of Shay, and as with all of this character’s self-chosen nom-de-plumes derives from Gaelic to reflect (a) his heritage and (b) his state of mind at the choosing of the pseudonym.

Natalie; origin, Italian; form of, Natalia; meaning, Christ’s birthday.
Deciding on a name for my quintessential girl-next-door character was tough. It needed to be bland yet special as well as hint toward the culmination of her character arc.

Nothing too unique about this, most writers do the same thing, it was just especially important to me as names feature heavily in early folklore and myth (that’s old magic) and as the Chronicles were initially forged in this area I decided names should be important elements of my work.

As such, most of my favourite names appear in some form or another in the Chronicles.

My five favourite girls names:

Kira origin, Gaelic; form of, Ciara; meaning, little dark one.

Kathryn origin, Greek; form of, Katherine; meaning, pure.

Tara origin, Gaelic; form of, Teamhair; meaning, Craig; hill.

Gwendolyn origin, Welsh; form of, Gwendolen; meaning, white ring.

Aurora origin, Latin; form of, itself (Aurora); meaning, dawn.

My five favourite boys names:

Rowan origin, Gaelic; form of, itself (Rowan); meaning, little red one.

Magnus origin, Latin; form of, itself (Magnus); meaning, great.

Sawyerorigin, English; form of, itself (Sawyer); meaning, one who chops wood.

Alexander see above

Mackay origin, Gaelic; form of, itself (Mackay); meaning, son of the fiery one.


021 – 025. Salmagundi (a chocolate cupcake if you know what this means!)

My 365 Day Blog Challenge has, let’s be honest, failed. I haven’t written a post for over a week and given my fluctuating concentration at the moment I cannot guarantee I will be able to write a post a day. But dangnammit, I’m a stubborn arsehole, so I’m gonna give it a go!

Given I have ten posts to catch up with I am throwing them all at you today! Right now, I’ve travelled back in time to days 21 to 25. A couple of the questions I liked, a couple were just meh, and one is the worst possible question to ask someone like me. Enjoy! :)

Day 21: everything you wish for in a significant other

Mario racing on the Figure-8 Circuit track. It...

If you’ve never played Strip Mario Kart, get to it! Fun, flirtatious and fudging fantastic foreplay :p

♥ A good heart ♥ A non-judgemental attitude ♥ Compassionate ♥ An appreciation of the surreal and absurd ♥ Realistic long-term goals ♥ The desire to follow their dreams ♥ Creative ♥ Someone who wouldn’t mind the occasional game of Strip Mario Kart ♥ Passionate ♥ A love of lying for hours in bed whilst cuddling and nattering about nothing in particular ♥ Someone who doesn’t have Disneyfied expectations over what love is ♥ Accepting of personal flaws ♥ The ability to understand that happiness is not a constant ♥ Someone who understands the beauty of silence ♥ They have a willingness to (occasionally) wear dungarees ♥ Kinky ♥ Spontaneous ♥ Posessing the ability to stand firm to their beliefs ♥ A willingness to compromise ♥ A love of cheese is a must ♥ Someone who does not have a honey allergy ♥ or a whipped cream allergy ♥ but I suppose an alternative foodstuff could be found ♥ Can correctly identify the lyrics When you can’t sleep at night and there’s no one to hold you/Remember I’m going through the same/You’ve got to laugh into the dark/We’re all one in a millionKnowing that a Dalek isn’t a robot would be excellent ♥ A love of walking and kissing in the rain ♥ Someone who’ll give me a metaphorical slap to help with my anxiety ♥ or a playful physical one if the metaphorical one fails ♥ Loves bike riding ♥ and strawberries dipped in chocolate ♥ Intelligence goes without saying ♥ Ability to have serious conversations ♥ silly conversations ♥ and silly-serious conversations ♥ Laughs and repeats the question “what is your favourite colour?” in a specific voice ♥ Someone who understands that depression is an illness and supports me through it rather than abuse me because of it ♥ A cute bottom ♥ A love of experimentation ♥ Someone who wouldn’t mind the occasional game of Strip Scrabble ♥ Who loves curling up next to me whilst I read aloud ♥ Who sees past Scotland’s shite weather and sees the beautiful, mysterious country that I do ♥ and who wouldn’t mind travelling that land with me whilst I regale them with tales of folklore, myth, legend and kinky Picts ♥ Kindness ♥ A charitable heart ♥ The desire to hike mountains and explore far-flung lands ♥ including Antarctica ♥ Someone who reads things properly instead of skim reading ♥ and thus understands that the only thing on this list that’s really important is the first one ♥ everything else is just a bonus ♥ Sensitivity ♥ Tolerant of someone with a Vanessa Hudgens crush ♥ Loves food fights ♥ and shared showers afterwards ♥

Day 22: how you judge intelligence

Intelligence is not how well you understand politics or the world. Nor is it the size of you’re vocabulary. You cannot measure someone’s intelligence by the occasional spelling or grammar mistake. Nor can you gauge their intelligence by what they read. Intelligence is how well you understand yourself and how well you can communicate your beliefs to the world.

Day 23: a month/year of your life when you were happiest and why

This one’s tough. In terms of month, it is January/February 2007; a period where, glandular fever aside, I felt the most confident, courageous and contented in my life. Period.

The castle in Inverness

Inverness Castle…yes, it’s made of lego :)

As for a year, it has to be 2000. It began with me sitting on a wall with three friends watching the millennium fireworks explode over the skyline of Inverness. Within weeks I was, for the first time, exploring the magnificent chain of islands that are the Outer Hebrides. Within months I was in Canada, meeting beautiful souls and challenging myself at every turn. Granted, as the year drew to a close there was depression fuelled from tragedy, but it ended with the loss of my virginity and the beginning of a new chapter of my life with a woman I loved.

Throughout this year I had friends, pushed myself at every turn to become who I wanted, spanked my inner demons and charged toward a brighter future. My confidence increased, my self-belief increased, my life became something worth living and I met one of the most important women of my life.

Day 24: your favorite 10 people right now and why

Given that it’s been three years since I had any social contact outside of mental health and homeless organisations I shall have to resort to a little creative license when answering this question.

In no particular order:

  1. My parents
    because they’re the only people who have never judged me (to my face.)
  2. @annaspargoryan
    because her tweets make me laugh and her writing is both touching and humorous.
  3. The Wrong Road Home
    because she is my current favourite blogger and approaches homelessness with intelligence, wit and inspiring passion.
  4. The staff at The Conversation
    because their dedication to intelligent academic inspired journalism shines a light on the apocalyptic wasteland that is the Australian media. Plus, it’s one of only a few things that keeps my mind active these days.
  5. David Tennant
    because after Taking Over the Asylum, Single Father, Casanova, Doctor Who and Fright Night (gotta love the leather pants) he will always feature on a list of my favourite people!
  6. The staff at The Punch
    because their dedication to maintaining a forum where bigoted, judgemental, anonymous pricks can post their racist/fatist/elitist/sexist/misogynistic/etc remarks is truly commendable. Reading this site I can almost feel my IQ lowering as my anger rises.
  7. @HardlyNormal
    because his dedication toward raising awareness of and ending homelessness is an inspiration to all.
  8. Shaun Micallef
    because he is a genius and always makes me laugh.
  9. Buckwheatsrisk
    because her dedication to rise awareness of abuse is as inspiring as her courage.
  10. Me
    because right now, I’m all I’ve got.

Day 25: a friend you have lost that you’re better off without/one you wish you had back

English: friendship

Ahhh, a cheesy friendship image, just what this haphazard post needed!

This is a tough one to write about given I once broke my rule of writing about people I know/knew and posted the most appalling piece of rapid-cycling fuelled crap I’ve ever written.


The friend I’ve lost that I’m better off without is my abuser. To this day I am still torn between how much I cherished our friendship and the utter devastation her actions inflicted onto my life.

I can still remember how it felt to have my heart ripped from my chest when she announced she had “never considered me a friend, never even liked me as a person” and that the “only reason she had pretended to be my friend was so that she could change me”. Just as I can remember the long conversations and laughter we had shared on so many occasions, all of which were negated and rendered false by her admission above.

Why I still think of her fondly is a mystery I cannot answer beyond the tentacles of abuse.

As for friends I wish I had back, how long have you got?

I know I’m responsible for the loss of my friendships and I’m not one to pass blame or manufacture excuses for the mistakes I made. I lost these people because of my own failings and I need to come to terms with that, however long it may take.

I think of Samantha often, and believe we could have developed a rather interesting and close friendship given different circumstances. There are two people in Canada that I yearn to reconnect with for I miss their laughter and inspiring souls badly. Louise, of course, is someone I miss for I always respected and admired their approach to life. And then there is the person I cannot forgive myself for being such an arse to. As for the lost souls of Rachel and Stephanie, and the what if… conundrums their deaths created – could we have become better friends had life not dealt them such a cruel fate?

For a lonely person this question is just cruel. All it does is remind me of my many wild and varied failings…and, so I’ve been told, I spend far too much time thinking of these as it is.

Hopefully, Salmagundi; Part 2 (later today) will end on a brighter, less melancholic note.

Note: This post was written in one hour and eleven minutes, for I’m tired of anally analysing everything I write.

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020. On beauty (no, not the Disney Princess, the noun)

My 365 Day Blog Challenge has asked me to write about beauty. I did consider writing an article about Stockholm Syndrome (geddit?) but after the recent infestation of darkness and depression that has bled through my posts I thought something lighter would be in order today.

So for your enjoyment, here are my top ten most beautiful celebrities…

“There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.”
~ Audrey Hepburn ~


This is the only photograph of Audrey Hepburn where my attention is not on her exquisite beauty…it’s on the cat’s delightful facial expression. A demeanor that reveals a soul torn between:
(a) Oh boy, stay calm, any second now I’m gonna be squashed by Audrey Hepburn!
(b) Oh boy, stay calm, any second now I’m gonna be squashed by Audrey Hepburn!

Yet no matter how warm and fuzzy these stunning women make me, something about that list turns me cold.

When I think about beauty I think of an incident during my high school career. Whilst in a work-working class I became embroiled in a debate over Pamela Anderson. Or rather, it was less of a debate, more of an ultimatum; agree that Pamela Anderson is the hottest most beautiful woman on earth else I’ll whack you over the head with this chunk of wood.

Given I’m a stubborn arsed bastard, I chose the second option. And yes, it bloody hurt!

Yet for the week it took for the lump to de-bump I never regretted my actions. I do not believe Pamela Anderson to be the most beautiful woman on Earth. Truth be told she has never done anything for me. At the time I was locked in a four-way open relationship with Sophie Aldred, Deborah Watling and Elisabeth Sladen. All of whom I considered far more beautiful than the pneumatic breasted star of woeful television series Baywatch.

For as long as I can remember I have been a full-blown advocate of the ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ approach. I’m sure there are many out there who would rather gouge their eye out with a spoon than look upon Maggie Gyllenhaal. There are probably an equal number of people who, on beholding Audrey Hepburn, turn to the nearest smoker and demand they stab their lit cigarette into their cornea. These same people probably rate Kim Kardashian or Cheryl Cole as being hotter than any of the ten celebrities above – both of whom have never been listed under my definition of beauty. Not they are not, just that I do not see it.

Toward the end of December 2000 I journeyed to the Western Isles of Scotland to herald in the New Year in my favourite place in Scotland. I had anticipated a long weekend of roaming the island, reading some Tom Robbins and eating peanut butter on toast. The last thing I had expected was being honoured by the single greatest vision of beauty I’d yet seen;

A woman in her mid twenties wearing the contents of a small branch of Myer. I kid you not, upon first seeing her she was wearing three T-Shirts, a jumper, a fleece jacket and a waterproof. Upon the lower extremities she wore leggings, pyjamas, trousers and a skirt. At least three pairs of socks hugged her feet within brown hiking boots and, although I couldn’t see it, I imagined at least seven pairs of cotton underwear protecting her nether regions from the onslaught of cold she had not expected. Hidden beneath a green beanie, scarf and the hood of both fleece and waterproof jacket was the reddened cheeks and wide, magical eyes of a cute eskimo.

In spite of the hilarity of the situation, given I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, I remember looking upon her overdressed, shivering body thinking my god, she’s beautiful.

Toward the beginning of 2007 I was hiking through the Dandenong rainforest with my then girlfriend. She was wearing a purple medieval style dress that hugged her delicious curves and sent her ravishing beauty rocketing into the stratosphere. Over the course of an hour she posed for a series of photographs I was taking using Morgan Le Fay and Arthurian legend as inspiration, and, even if I have to say so myself, they were pretty spectacular; all because of the model.

Upon seeing them days later she became obsessed over the occasional chicken-pox scar that blemished her face. All of which she wished to eradicate with a re-shoot involving layers of make-up or several days spent in front of Photoshop. To me, these scars were beautiful. Even if she were to meet the doppelgänger we all have somewhere in the world, she would still be unique; there was no-one on the planet who looked as radiant and heart-stopping as her.

Recently I discovered some photographs that were taken in 2008. They featured a woman and I larking around dressed as Superman and Supergirl. As I gazed at the photograph my heart skipped a beat as I remembered running my hands over her porcelain skin, losing myself in the softness beneath my touch and the ravishing beauty she exuded.

Each of these women differed in height, weight, build and measurement, but to me, they were the most beautiful woman I had ever gazed up. More so than any of the ten listed above.

In 2006 I showed my friend several photographs of the woman I had fallen in love with on that wind-swept Hebridean Isle, her response “Where are the beautiful ones? She’s not very pretty, is she,”

My reaction was aghastment. I couldn’t speak, form words in my mind, I just wanted to pick up a chunk of wood and whack her over the head with it – figuratively, of course!

Whereas the reality was simply her idea of beauty was far different from mine. To her, beauty was surface, to me, it extends beyond the epidermis and reaches into the root of the soul.

Beauty isn’t bouncing breasts, firm buttocks, blemish free skin and perfect symmetry.

Beauty is what lies within; how someone feels about their breasts, their buttocks, their skin and symmetrical features. It is what drives someone to achieve their dreams or what fuels them to stand firm to their beliefs and remain true to their heart.

Beauty is the undefinable element that raises a person’s soul from the mundane to the sublime.

Which is why the above list chills my heart, for I know I am not being true to it. I created a list of beautiful women (each and all of them) who are exquisitely beautiful and recognisable to all. A list to garner nods of approval from all but myself. I should have titled it ‘thirteen women who are damned beautiful that you may like the look of’, for my top ten most beautiful women in the world…ever it is not.

This is…



“The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It’s the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows & the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”
~ Audrey Hepburn ~