All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

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[NSFW] Butt is it Art or Porn III: The Spanking Art Edition

Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
What is something that makes you the most happy?


This post isn’t going to be for everyone. Some of you may look upon it and think oooo, I’m getting all sorts of fuzzy warm feelings inside, whilst others will look upon it and think that’s absolutely disgusting, I’m going to write a strongly worded letter to this deviant! But that’s kinda the point. It’s meant to be divisive. It’s meant to create debate.

Now I’ll be honest. I didn’t actually write this post. This post is a collaboration between two of my voices, Meadhbh and Shay, but the topic, the content of this post, makes me blissfully happy. That’s why they wrote it. Whilst lost to the flashback and nightmare earlier this week, Meadhbh and Shay took it upon themselves to create something that would make me happy, something that would fill me with the aforementioned fuzzy warm feelings. They didn’t post it straight away because they didn’t want to upset me, they didn’t want to put something out there if I wasn’t comfortable with it being in the public domain, but after careful consideration, and after seeing the prompt for today’s installment of the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge, I’ve decided to post it and see what happens.

So I will now hand you over to Meadhbh and Shay, who have put together a collection of artwork that depicts a most heartwarming bottomwarming of activities, to ask the question butt is it art or porn?

Under normal circumstances I would password protect this post. However, Meadhbh is not a fan of password protection, so we have reached a compromise. I will post it without a password under the proviso that this warning is inserted: family members of Addy, I politely request that you read no further! Thank you! :)

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There She Goes My Beautiful World

Hello everyone,

Andrew’s had a bad day today so I’m taking it upon myself to cheer him up. He feels guilty that he didn’t go to the gym this afternoon. He said he was going to go on a Monday, on a Wednesday and on a Friday, but he didn’t go today because he was feeling too sad. Vanessa was being really mean to him and it upset Andrew to the point he was unable to leave the house. He just argued with Vanessa and scared me with how much he raised his voice and all the shouting he was doing. I don’t like it when Andrew gets like that. He says it is PTSD. He says he is trying to control it and I know that he is but I don’t like it because he gets upset and sad and isn’t happy. I like Andrew when he’s happy and laughing. He has a cute laugh. You’d like his laugh. Maybe I’ll record it one day and play it to you. But I won’t record his arguments with Vanessa because they scare me and I don’t want to scare you. So here is a music video that I like. It makes me happy to hear this song and I know it makes Andrew happy to. Hopefully he won’t mind me writing this today and telling you he has had a bad day. I don’t think he’s a failure and I hope you don’t think he is either. He was just sad today, that is all. So here is the music video that I like. It is by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and is called There She Goes My Beautiful World. Big hugs to you all.

Love you all.
Meadhbh xxx

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A letter to Samantha, by Meadhbh

The following is a letter written by Meadhbh to Samantha, a dear friend who passed away in 2008. It originally appeared on my now defunct blog “Imaginary Menagerie: My Journey with Hearing Voices” and Meadhbh has asked for it to be re-posted here to mark the anniversary of Samantha’s death.


2 July 2013

Dear Samantha,

Two weeks ago, my Andrew took me to a Survivors of Suicide event that was held near to where we live. It was the Winter Solstice and you would have liked it. There was pretty music, fire pits, sexy strong firemen and lots and lots of autumn leaves. They were really pretty yellows, oranges and browns, and very very very crinkly crunchy fun to stomp through. I made Andrew take some home with him which he has put on the wall. One is for Rachel, one is for Stephanie and one is for you. Yours has a wee hole in it which I told him was the hole you have left in our hearts.

I know it’s silly sending you a letter because you don’t know who I am. You wouldn’t have liked me very much because I was very mean back then. But I liked you and I told him how much I liked you and how much I miss you. You made my Andrew smile and back then I didn’t like it when he smiled. I wanted to hurt him. Not in the way he hurt you but in a nasty, bitchy-witch-bitch way. Yeah. You wouldn’t have liked me very much. So we stopped and talked about you and how much we missed you. The way you made him smile. The way you made him laugh. The way you shone a light on all those small stitches that make up the multi-coloured tapestry that is him. He says that a lot because it makes him think of you.

Then I told him that I liked the way you used to eat your MacMuffins. And that the way you said the word tangerine made me giggle. I really really liked the ladybug undies you wore in Glasgow because it made your bum look like it was covered in cutey cute ladybugs but I felt silly telling him that even though I know he was thinking the same thing.

I felt sad when you died. I didn’t know what to do so I took it out on my Andrew. I told him that it was his fault you died and that made him feel sadder. I know it was wrong but I didn’t know what else to do and I’m sorry because you wouldn’t have wanted him to think it was his fault which he has always thought it was. I told him when I told him it was your leaf that I was wrong to blame him but I don’t think he believed me because he misses you so much.

I want him to write about you on his blog but he isn’t writing anything at the moment and I think writing about you makes him sad. I told him to think about your mountaineering ladybugs and how much you made him smile and laugh and feel happy but that just makes him cry. I don’t like it when my Andrew’s sad because he should be happy and you made him happy so I wanted you to know that.

I coloured you a picture the day after the Survivors of Suicide evening. Her name is Fawn and she is a Disney Fairy. The bird is Andrew because Fawn is making him very happy the way that you used to make him very happy. I made your clothes red because I know you liked the colour red. Fawn is a friend of Silvermist, who is a Disney Fairy that looks like me. I like to think we are both fairies and we are both friends who play and laugh and smile together. I hope you like it. :)

I’m not very good at writing letters but I wanted to say all that.

Lots and lots of loving love hugs,
Meadhbh xxxxxx



My trip to Melbourne Zoo

Before going to Melbourne, I made a deal with each of my voices that if they behaved themselves during the Hearing Voices Congress I would allow them to choose an activity that they would like to do. I also asked them to write a post about their chosen activity to share with you. What follows is Meadhbh’s account of our trip to Melbourne Zoo, in her own words! :)

Before we went to Melbourne Andrew and I made a deal. He promised that if I behaved myself during the Hearing Voices Congress I could choose one thing that I wanted to do more than anything in Melbourne and we would do it. I chose to go to the zoo so I could see all the cute, fluffy, beautiful animals. Needless to say I was on my bestest of the bestiest behaviour throughout the congress so that he would take me to the zoo after he was finished with all the boring stuff.

It was such a beautiful place, lots of lovely sunshine, green trees and more animals than I could poke a stick at. Which I would never do, because why would anyone want to poke such beautiful, fluffy animals with a horrible nasty stick?

I got a bit cranky with Andrew on the way to the zoo because he got lost and I thought he was doing it on purpose to stop me seeing the animals, but he wasn’t doing it on purpose, he just got lost, so I laughed at him. But soon enough we got to the zoo and I made him take me to the Australian animals first because I wanted to see the wombats. The first animal we saw was a sleepy koala bear sleeping at the top of the tree. He was gorgeous and I wanted to give him lots of hugs, but we weren’t allowed to touch the animals so I wasn’t able to.

After the koala we went to the wombats, careful to avoid the emus. I don’t like emus very much because they look really scary and frighten me. I love wombats though but they weren’t playing in their pen because it was hot and they were sleepy. We found them sleeping in their tunnels looking so adorable stretched out on their backs with their bellies begging to be rubbed. But we didn’t rub the wombat’s bellies because there was glass in the way.

We then went to the butterfly house where hundreds upon thousands upon millions of butterflies were flitting and flying around all over the place. One butterfly even landed on Andrew’s head which made me laugh because he got all freaked out. I really loved the butterfly house and all the gorgeous butterflies that were in there and didn’t want to leave because it was so relaxing to be in there but there were many animals left to see and I wanted to see them all.

There was an otter chasing his tail, there was a giraffe being fed by its keeper, there were dozens of cute liddle turtles swimming in a pond and majestic pelicans desperate to nibble on some fish. The lions were awesome and I roared like Aslan trying to get their attention but they didn’t hear me and Andrew refused to roar because it would draw unwanted attention to him, which made me a little annoyed but I understood.

We weren’t able to see the Gorillas and Seals because they weren’t on show that day, but we did see Giant Tortoises, cutest of the cute meerkats and a pygmy hippopotamus sleeping in the sun. We also saw zebras, elephants and lots of creepy crawlies, reptiles and scary looking snakes.

The last animal we saw was the Platypus, which was the bestest thing we saw in the zoo. He was merrily swimming around in his tank being all awesome, beautiful and hypnotizing. I loved the platypus so much that I want Andrew to get one as a pet.

Whilst we were at the zoo Andrew let me take photographs of some of my favourite animals which I’m sharing with you all below, I hope you like the photographs and find the animals as beautiful and awesome as I do. If you’re ever in Melbourne you should visit Melbourne Zoo because it’s a wonderful, happy place that will make you feel all warm inside! :)

~ All images © Addy (and Meadhbh) ~

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World Hearing Voices Day: A few of Meadhbh’s favourite things…

To celebrate World Hearing Voice’s Day, I asked each of my voices whether or not they’d like to write a post themed around ‘a few of my favourite things’. I didn’t stipulate how they should interpret this as I wanted the post to be in their own voice.

I’m aware that allowing my people to write their own posts will be confronting to many, but World Hearing Voices Day is about celebrating hearing voices as part of the diversity of human experience, and including my people is how I’ve chosen to start some conversations today, so feel free to ask myself (or Meadhbh) any questions in the comments field below.

A few of my favourite things…

by Meadhbh


This is a photograph of a few of my favourite things. There is a Disney Fairies colouring book that Andrew’s support worker gave me as a present. I’ve left the book open on a page showing Silvermist, as she is a Disney Fairy who looks like me. As you can see there are lots and lots of colouring pencils and oil pastels that Andrew brought for me because he knows I like to draw and paint and colour things in with lots of bright bright colours. The wooden spoons are there because wood is awesome and I’m always pestering Andrew to eat lots of healthy salads which he serves up with the wooden spoons, so when he does that it makes me happy. The big purple ball with googly eyes is a ball that I lurve that we use in Andrew’s Creative Therapy group. Andrew got it for me after we watched Despicable Me because he knows I love screaming it’s so fluff-y! like the girl does in that film. There are also two plastic dinosaurs because dinosaurs are awesome! There is also a little green fluffy dinosaur that roars and vibrates when you pull its cord which is the greatest thing that has ever existed! I love it when Andrew reads me Roald Dahl, so there is a Roald Dahl book I love which has lots of awesome coloured pictures in it and there are DVDs of Monsters Inc because I love Boo and How to Train Your Dragon because I love Toothless. There is also the Zelda game Twilight Princess because it is great fun and makes Andrew happy, which is something that is my favourite thing. To top it all off is a map of Westeros because Dragon Mummy is awesome, a hairbrush that is the colour of my hair, two little ornaments which was a present from one of Andrew’s friends to me and Cheeky Naughty Monkey (Ceenem for short) who is my monkey. I hope you think they’re all as awesome as I do! Thank you.

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