The support I receive for my mental health issues comes from four different fronts:
#1: Gateway Community Health
Gateway Community Health is a local community health hub, containing GPs, pathology, counseling (for drug, alcohol and/or gambling problems) and youth and indigenous services.
The mental health aspect of Gateway Community Health is called GT House, a psychosocial rehabilitation day program that provides group and individual psychosocial rehabilitation and recovery services.
Through GT House I undertake a number of social and support groups as well as receive one-to-one support through my keyworker, one of the few human beings that I trust. The fact they operate using a recovery-orientated approach – meaning they view me as a whole person rather than individual labels – has been a massive help to me, given my dislike of the psychiatric approach to mental illness.
In the seven years since my breakdown, Gateway (and GT House) are the only organisation that have offered me any support with my mental health and trauma, and without them I’d probably be dead.
#2: My parents
Although they live on the other side of the world, my parents have done their absolute best to support me over the last seven years. It hasn’t been easy – especially when I’ve been trapped in manic, hypomanic and depressive episodes – but they’ve always done all they can, despite the problems they face in their own lives.
#3: My people
Some may consider my people part of the problems I face, and certainly this is the case in respect to Vanessa and Shay, but since February of this year Meadhbh has become one of my primary supports.; she soothes me when I’m upset, distracts me when I’m overwhelmed with self-harm urges, rewards me when I do something awesome and chastises me when I’m pushing myself too hard. Audrey, also, has become a friendly voice in my ear over the last few months.
I also count the Hearing Voices Support Group I attend as part of this front, as my collaboration with them has not only enabled me to understand my voices better, but helped me forge the relationships mentioned above.
#4: Myself
I’m not sure how contentious this front will be, but having spent the better part of the last seven years completely on my own, I’ve learnt that sometimes the only person you can rely on is yourself.
Over the years, I’ve developed a number of strict coping strategies (both healthy and unhealthy) that help me manage my sometimes distressing and uncomfortable mood swings, anxiety and PTSD.
Without this determination (and self-compassion), it is doubtful I would be writing this today.
♥
And as I type these words, it occurs to me that if I had answered this post last October, it would include only items #2 and #4; which is an indication of just how much things have changed (and how hard I’ve worked) over the last twelve months! :)
Apologies for the slight delay in the latest installment of the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge, I had scheduled the post to publish yesterday (hence the Thursday Thirteen format I decided to use) but a wee gremlin must have invaded the system as for some reason it didn’t publish. Hopefully we will have better luck today!
The prompt for day three is: what treatment or coping skills are most effective for you?
Thirteen treatment or coping skills that are most effective for me
(in no particular order)
1. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy [Treatment]
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a behavioral therapy all about creating a rich, full and meaningful life whilst accepting the pain that inevitably goes with it. I have written more about this method of treatment here.
2. Distraction Techniques [Coping Skill] One of my primary coping skills is the simple act of distraction. Whether it be curling up in front of a movie, moshing to some great music, kicking Ganandorf’s ass in the The Legend of Zelda video game series or even cooking up a treat in the kitchen. Anything that can take my mind away from the trap of negative thinking and heightened anxiety is quite wonderful.
3. Self-Efficacy [Coping Skill]
…aka the measure of the belief in one’s own ability to complete tasks and reach goals.
4. Writing letters to younger self [Coping Skill]
I write so many letters to my younger self that I’m seriously considering putting together a book entitled “Letters I Wish I’d Received When Young” For me, they are a glorious way of showing myself compassion, understanding and self-love. They are also a way for me to vent frustration and focus on the positive aspects of my life.
5. Grounding Exercises [Coping Skill]
These coping skills involve grounding you in the current moment. A popular exercise is taking a few moments to name five things you can see/hear/smell/feel and focus on these senses as you do so. I have taken to, after advice from a friend, performing this activity when I wake up to start my day in a relatively relaxed and grounded state.
6. Integrated Brain Mapping [Treatment]
This is a process devised by Rita McInnes for people who have difficulty dealing and living with trauma. I have every intention of writing about my experiences of it in the future, but more information can be found on her website for those too impatient to wait! :p
7. Personal Responsibility [Coping Skill]
Something I learnt when I was a teenager is that the only person who can change me is myself. If I wait for someone else to do it I will be waiting the rest of my life. As such, I dedicate myself to putting in the hard work so that one day I will be able to lead the life I want to live.
8. Medication [Treatment]
I am not a huge supporter of medication and for many years was without any form of psychiatric medication. However, I cannot deny that taking medication does help control my moods and, to a degree, dulls the self-harm and suicidal ideation I experience.
9. Self-Harm [Coping Skill] Please note that I am not in any way advocating self-harm. I ummed and ahhed about including this coping skill on my list but ultimately decided to go with it because, over the last twenty years, it has been one of the most powerful and consistent forms of release that I can think of. In fact, sometimes it is the only thing that has the power to calm me when I’m heightened.
10. Random Acts of Kindness [Coping Skill]
These fall into the ‘higher self’ category on Indigo Daya’s wonderful Coping Skills worksheet. Basically, there is nothing more wonderful in life than helping other people, so much so that it can often override your own stresses and negative feelings. Why not try it sometime?
Earlier this year I wrote a post called Coping Skills, which shared a coping skills worksheet that came to me via Indigo Daya’s website. One of the categories on this work-sheet was ‘self-love’, which are all the things you can do to love (or care) for yourself in times of distress.
Now, six months on – and to celebrate my 550th post! – I’ve decided to take up the challenge and come up with fifty things of self-love; for how can I ever hope to experience positive emotions again (e.g. happiness, joy, contentment, relaxation, nurture etc.) if I don’t know what will bring them on?
A few notes on the above list:
(i) For the sake of clarification, I decided that ‘my’ definition of self-love is: ‘anything I can do to feel something other than shit’. Your definition may be different (and involve less/more swear words!)
(ii) In terms of the final count, instead of merely stating movies, books etc. I decided to expand these sections by listing the five most awesome candidates. It is these five things that are included in the final count of fifty, not the movies, books etc. genres themselves.
(iii) And for all of you rolling your eyes at ‘masturbation’ and ‘kissing/sex/oral sex’…What? I’m just being honest! :p
Now, over to you…what things do you do to love yourself in times of distress?
Are you willing to take the fifty things of self-love challenge?
In a recent post I shared a “Coping Skills” worksheet that I obtained via Indigo Daya’s website. One of these skills was a ‘thought challenge’, wherein you write down all your negative thoughts and then make a list as to why they may not be true.
Given that I could write a dissertation on why my negative thoughts are all valid criticisms of myself, I thought it would be an interesting experiment to take on this challenge, whatever happens as a result!
Part I: My negative thoughts…
Note: I’m not going to write every negative thought I’ve ever had in my life (otherwise this post would win an award for the longest blog post in the history of the world!) so I’ll focus only on the last twelve hours.
I’m a failure
I’m worthless
I’m useless
I have no passion(s)
I’m a waste of space
My voice is so boring and monotonous it inflicts pain on everyone I talk to
I’m pathetic
I’m weak
I’m weak because I can’t just ‘get over’ the abuse I received
I’m unintelligent
I’m the most selfish human being who has ever lived in the history of the world
I’m the world’s worst kisser
I’m the world’s worst lover
I go down on women too much
I care too much about my partner orgasming
I’m not (sexually) selfish enough
I should just die
I don’t deserve to be alive
My life is pointless
I am pointless
I’m a terrible writer
I’m a terrible blogger
I’m a terrible emailer
I’m a terrible photographer
I’m a terrible everythinger
My photography is uninspiring, boring and monotonous
I use too many commas!
I use too many exclamation marks!!
My shoulder hair makes people want to vomit
I’m the fattest fattiest fatty who has ever lived
My weight is contagious
My self-harm is contagious
My illness(es) are contagious
I’m contagious
I’m unlovable
I’m evil
I’m grotesque
I’m insane
I’m too depressing
I’m too shy
I’m too anxious
I’m boring
I deserve to live alone
I deserve to die alone
I deserve to live alone and in pain
I deserve to die alone and in pain
My mind is repulsive
My body is repulsive
Heck, I’m repulsive
I’m a terrible friend
I don’t deserve to have any friends
No-body likes me
Everyone hates me
I should just go and eat worms!
It’s my fault I was abused
I deserved it
I deserve to be punished for it
I deserve to be punished for all eternity for it
My arse is too hairy
It’s my fault I was raped
I deserved it
I deserve to be punished for it
I deserve to be punished for all eternity for it
My mental illness(es) are a result of my own inability to cope with life’s stressors
Hell, my mental illness(es) are a figment of my imagination!
My opinions are invalid and deserve mockery and humiliation
Part II: Why they may not be true…
…and this is why I’m so terrible at thinking positively about myself.
All the bolded thoughts above were said to me by my abuser, those bolded and italicized were said to me frequently. As no-one believed she was doing anything wrong and I was told by many people I ‘deserved’ what she was doing…my mind concluded that they must be true, otherwise, why did I deserve being told them?
Given that the majority of these thoughts had been present prior to the abuse (some I specifically told her about), all the abuse did was make rational the irrational fears my social anxiety causes me to think.
And once a fear has been rendered rational…it’s almost impossible to deny as being untrue.
But, in the spirit of the challenge…
Is my photography really uninspiring, boring and monotonous? Although they never reach triple figures, whenever I post a ‘weekly photo challenge’ post, more often than not I receive dozens of ‘likes’ and twenty odd plus comments. Unless all these people are suffering from mass delusion, there must be something to like about my photography, isn’t there?
Ditto for my writing! People are often telling me how inspiring and enjoyable they find my blog. Plus, would an editor spend weeks helping me polish a short story and then publish it in a nationwide magazine if it was truly bad?
As for not making enough sacrifices, frankly, what THE FUCK?! I sacrificed my home, family, friends, uni course and future plans in order to move to the other side of the world purely because I loved someone. When my abuser was suffering from Glandular Fever I phoned in sick for work several times purely to look after her, in fact, for over a month I become her 24/7 nurse-maid, never once putting myself first throughout that entire period. Before that, I spent three years putting my life on hold for the benefit of my employer and staff, regularly working in excess of 60-80 hour weeks without overtime, cancelling night classes, social events and social groups in order to do so. Even though I live in abject poverty, I still find money for monthly donations to charitable organisations and have frequently done all I can, when I can, to help whomever I can (including complete strangers!) Even when I was homeless I would regularly give other homeless people money, clothes, food and blankets that I couldn’t afford to part with. Does that really sound like someone not willing to sacrifice things for the health, wellbeing and happiness of others?
You could even use the above to argue over the validity of my alleged selfishness…but the fact I wasn’t there for Grace when she needed a friend instantly renders all this evidence ineligible and one hundred percent proves my selfishness.
However, what about the negative thoughts relating to deserving to be abused? Astute readers amongst you will have connected what I was told following the emotionally abusive relationship to these thoughts. I was literally told I deserved it, ergo it must be true. But the rape? No-one told me I deserved to be raped…and I have no logical argument other than ‘guilt’ as to why I think this is true. But think it I do.
So what if I don’t like Harry Potter? There are so many better young adult fictional series (His Dark Materials, The Dark is Rising, Hunger Games, Narnia) than the tale of this young wizard. Or rather, in my opinion there are so many better young adult fictional series! Just because my opinion differs from others does not make me tasteless, it just makes me different. And while we’re at it…I don’t deserve mockery and humiliation for sharing an opinion, no-one does!
Ditto for all the my desires/dreams means there is something wrong with me thoughts. Just because I have cravings, needs and desires that are considered ‘deviant’ and/or ‘weird’ does not mean that they, or I, am wrong. It just means I’m different. Where’s the problem with that?
As for everything else…I’m afraid I can’t come up with reasons why they may not be true.
The simple fact is I have been living a socially isolated life for the last six years (give or take six months), so if I really am a decent person, deserving of friends, company and relationships, someone who doesn’t deserve to live and die alone, why is it that none of the efforts I undertake to create real-life connections work?
It is impossible to live alone for as long I have without believing that this is all you deserve in life.
The same argument can be used for the kissing, hugs and sex negative thoughts. There is a reason why I don’t get to do any of these things…and it can’t just be because of severe abuse trauma rendering me untrusting and fearful of intimacy. Can it?
The simple fact is, for every single item on that list I could come up with at least a dozen individual reasons for why they’re true. These reasons would be backed up by comments multiple people have told me throughout my life.
As I’ve said in the past, the more you are told something, the more you believe that something to be true. When all you’ve had in your life is negativity, insults, criticism, isolation and abuse…how can you possibly believe you’re a good person?
Part III: What would I tell a friend who thinks like this…
If any of my friends thought like this I’d put them over my knee and spank some sense into them!
But once I’d been released from prison on assault charges (unless the spanking had been consensual, that is :p) I would sit them down and tell them how unhealthy it was to think like that, how brilliant, beautiful and awesome they are and how these thoughts were the product of low self-esteem, low self-confidence and (possible) mental health and abuse trauma related issues.
I would then ask them what I could do to help them think more realistically about themselves. If that meant surreptitiously sending stories to magazines to prove how awesome a writer they are, let them cry on my shoulder, help them organize counseling to defeat their guilt over abuse and/or just spending time with them doing things that make them feel good, I would, without any hesitation.
In fact, I have done all of those things (and a lot more besides) to help friends defeat their demons in the past!
Part IV: Conclusion
Over the years I have exasperated psychologists, counselors and therapists with my negative thinking. Every time any of them issued compliments, positive reinforcement or adulation, my mind would immediately source from my history of bullying, abuse and criticism several comments that proved they were lying. There have been times when these psychologists, counselors and therapists have told me they can see this process occurring; from the moment they issue the praise to the moment I discard it as an irrelevant lie.
None of them have been able to help me find a way to combat this cycle of thinking.
No matter how hard I try to break free, no matter how many times I tell myself I’m wrong, no matter how often I can see the awesome bastard that I am, the damage from all the bullying, abuse and isolation seems to run too deep to be overcome.
And if you don’t believe me, if you think I’m just being lazy and not working hard enough, go and spend six years on your own, living on the streets, frequently being physically and emotionally abused whilst receiving no praise, positive reinforcement, human contact, touch or compliments…then get back to me and tell me how easy it is to think ‘positively’ about yourself and your life.
However much I would like to think less negative thoughts, it is going to take years of intense work to fix the damage caused by abuse, homelessness and isolation.
But, as with everything, I’ve already begun to work on it. This challenge is part of me moving toward fixing the damage, as are the social and support groups I’m trying to attend, as is this blog and so many other skills, therapies and treatments that I’m currently undertaking.
It would be easier to lose myself to these thoughts, to let them overcome me, but I refuse to let them simply because there is no way in hell I’m going to let my abuser win.
We all have good days and bad days. For some of us, especially if mental health issues are involved, the bad days can be all-consuming, so when they hit we need to have the coping skills to deal with the emotional distress we find ourselves in.
My support worker recently gave me a worksheet – created by Indigo Daya(a Melbourne based mental health trainer, consultant and change agent) – that gives advice on how we can help ourselves cope during such difficult times, across six different aspects of our lives:
On the reverse of the worksheet there is space for you to write about the various coping skills that work best for you. You’re also encouraged to print out a copy so you can refer to it in times of need. Whilst I’ve stuck my hard-copy on the fridge, I’ve also decided to include a version of it here on the off-chance it will inspire someone in ways they may not have thought of.
In working through the worksheet it became apparent to me how reliant I am on the distraction set of coping skills. In fact, aside from the occasional moment of emotional release, virtually all of my coping mechanisms fall into this category.
This realisation has encouraged me to look at some other coping skills (such as grounding and self-love) to see if I can create some new skills to better assist with distressing periods, especially when lack of concentration makes it difficult to focus on any distractions.
If you would like to view Indigo Daya’s Coping Skills worksheet and print a copy to complete yourself, you can do so here.
Whilst I work on the areas I’m lacking skills in, I’m interested in how other people cope with life’s distresses. Do you tend to rely on distraction? Or are you more a self-love or emotional release person?
Feel free to leave any coping skills advice in the comments below, who knows, you may find yourself accessing your higher self and helping someone else. :)
All that I am, all that I ever was... 