Hearing Voices: What triggers Meadhbh (in her own words)

Back in 2013 I did a lot of work to understand my voices on a number of fronts, including: the hearing voices support group (which I haven’t attended for over a year)  answering the Maastricht Interview with a support worker, writing blog posts about them and working through a Voices Work Book provided by the aforementioned group. In all four scenarios the subject of ‘triggers’ arose, and although I’m acutely aware of the vast majority of my anxiety/mood/PTSD triggers, I’ve long had little idea over my voices’ triggers. So when it came to tackling this subject I had little idea where to start. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t come up with anything other than ‘exhaustion’, ‘stress’ and ‘weakness’.

Now, more desperate than ever to understand my voice triggers, I’ve decided the only option is to ask them directly, commencing with my primary (and most helpful) voice, Meadhbh. So here – in her own words – are what Meadhbh considers to be the triggers that bring her forth.

~ Triggers marked with a ‘♥‘ are shared with my other voices ~
~ All text written in purple font are direct quotes from Meadhbh ~

• Camping
  Meadhbh took great pains to remind me how angry she was when I signed the lease of my unit in March 2012, as it meant we would have to move out of the tent we’d been staying in. For as long as I can remember Meadhbh has loved camping and will always come a calling when a tent is involved.
• Exhaustion ♥
  With a guilty look on her face, Meadhbh told me: “When you’re exhausted, you’re weak. When you’re weak, you have to listen to me. Why wouldn’t I babble?”
  
• Anything involving fantasy
  “When you were being bullied at school, I knew I had to find ways to take your mind off things. So I tried to focus on the things you liked, the things that made you laugh and smile and feel all wonderfully gooey. You know? Like Natalie, your desires, Doctor Who. But more than any of them, I loved it when you read me fantasy novels, as I could imagine myself as one of those sexyashell faeries! I guess that’s why I chose the Dragon Slayer [Note: Monster Hunter Tri] game for us to play. I like dragons, you like dragons, we can slay dragons together and be happy. You know, unless you kill the rhinocuties, in which case it’s the woodshed for you!”
• When I’m stressed/anxious/upset/nervous etc. ♥
  “When you’re stressed, I can either down-stress you or up-stress you, depending on how naughty I feel.
  When you’re anxious, I can either wind you up or wind you down, depending on how naughty I feel.
  When you’re upset, I can either make you smile or make you cut, depending on how naughty I feel.
  When you’re nervous, I can either make you worse or make you better, depending on how naughty I feel.
  You have no idea how powerful that much control over someone’s life can make you feel!
  It’s impossible to resist!”
  
• Scotland (especially anything involving Skye, the country’s folklore and the SLWTCB)
  Meadhbh becomes aggravated whenever the SLWTCB comes up in conversation. For those who aren’t aware, the SLWTCB was a woman I met in the second week of my Scottish backpacking adventure. After chatting for a while in a hostel in Portree (Skye), we took ourselves to a local pub for a few alcoholic beverages before returning to the hostel where – in her doorway – I had a bit of a panic attack and wished her goodnight. The following morning, I left ludicrously early so as not to risk bumping into her. Meadhbh has long believed (since about 15 seconds after I closed my bedroom door that night) that I was a complete moronic wanker to have turned down such an obvious ‘sure thing’ and has never stopped reminding me of my anxiety-led stupidity. The other aspect of this incident that frustrates her is it that it happened on her home island and thus she believes my meeting the SLWTCB was ‘fate’.
  Thus, in addition to this cute bottomed lassie, Meadhbh is frequently rumbled by talk and/or memories of her homeland as she absolutely loves reminiscing of her time there.
  
• Hearing Voices Support Group
  Ever since coming to the group for the first time – in order to see for herself what it was all about – Meadhbh has become a staunch supporter of the HVSG and will accompany me to the group. “It pisses me off we haven’t played with the ball for months!” she complained.
• Not being believed (including victim blame mentality) ♥
  
• Boredom ♥
  “Someone has to give you something to do. Better me than Vanessa!”
  
• Going to bed ♥
  “Firstly, you look cute in pyjamas. Secondly, beds are cool. Thirdly, who wants to go to bed alone? Fourthly, who really needs sleep? Fifthly, you’re a captive audience. Sixthly…” Audrey cut her off here, but Meadhbh stubbornly finished her sentence. “..I look cute in pyjamas!”
  
• Sex (including actual sexual relations, fantasies and advances/situations) ♥
  
• Suicidal ideation and/or planning and/or actual attempts ♥
  “Sometimes I feel guilty as shit for pushing you toward it. Other times I just want you to kill yourself because you’re a wothless cunt. Does that make me a bad person?”
  
• BIG groups of people (i.e. anything over 6)
• Music ♥
  The following are some of the songs that invite Meadhbh:
  – There She Goes My Beautiful World (Nick Cave) ♥
  – Have You Ever Seen The Rain (Bonnie Tyler)
  – Defying Gravity (from the musical ‘Wicked’)
  – Girl & The Ghost (KT Tunstall)
  – The Love ‘A the Isles (Jenna Reid)
• (Certain) beautiful women ♥
  There are two reasons why Meadhbh explained (certain) beautiful women are an invitation for her:
  1) Her declaration that she is going to “find me a girlfriend” means she needs to assess each and every woman I encounter, even strangers on the street.
  2) Her love of clothing, which she becomes quite obsessive over.
• Cute animals (especially possums, wombats and squeeorthy baby animals)
  At this point in the conversation all Meadhbh did was squeal incredibly loudly. Hence ‘squeeorthy’! :p
• Anniversaries ♥
  Although her presence on certain days isn’t as bad as some of my other people (notably Vanessa, who sees the 26th February as “her day”) Meadhbh will generally make her presence known on my ‘bad days’ and other occasions throughout the year; especially 7 May and 22 December.
  
• When she’s being talked about ♥
  “No way I’m letting you talk about me behind my back. You think I’m nits?” [sic]
• Loneliness ♥
  As she would go on to point out a few hours after our conversation, Meadhbh has become greatly saddened by my continual loneliness and isolation. She is aware (and thus I believe an element of guilt is involved) of the part she has played in this; as since her return in 2007, until 2013, her communications with me was exceedingly abusive and negative – fuelling my insecurities and perpetuating my self-hate. In order to redeem herself, Meadhbh has decided that when I get lonely, she needs to ‘keep me company‘.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me… (III)

Recently, Marci (over at Marci, Mental Health and More) began a series of 100 questions designed to get to know someone better. As I’ve been blogging so infrequently lately I’ve decided to follow her lead and post my own answers to the questions. This way, people who’ve been following my blog for a while can get to know me a little better whilst newbies to my wonderful world can learn a few random things about me.

| Questions 1 – 26 | Questions 27 – 50 |

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?

Looks fade. They are also incredibly subjective. What is beautiful to one person is ugly to another. For example, I personally think Joe Maganiello isn’t that attractive, but I’m sure many people would disagree. So I would vote for intelligence all the time.

52. How often do you buy clothes?

Rarely. Though I should point out that this isn’t by choice. I would love to be able to buy more clothes, as having only two threadbare T-Shirts is somewhat frustrating. However, I am cursed to live off disability benefits, so after the essentials of rent, food and bills there is virtually no money left – even for charity shop clothing.

53. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Excuse me while I laugh myself silly. I have it on good (or rather, abusive) authority that I am the ugliest most repulsive person that has ever walked the face of the planet. In fact, according to my abuser, looking at me made her want to vomit. So the likelihood of me having a secret admirer is slim to none, mainly the latter.

54. What’s your favorite holiday?

I hate all holidays. I’m not a Scrooge or a miser, just someone who has been forced to protect himself from triggers at all costs, and I find holidays a particularly powerful trigger. They are generally seen to be times of the year that you spend chilling out with friends and family, and having no friends, and with my family on the other side of the world, it is just me. So I tend to try to ‘forget’ holidays as and when they come around, otherwise chaos will ensue.

55. What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

I’m not a very daring person. I don’t like rollercoasters, I don’t like extreme sports, people who bungee jump are clearly idiots and those who jump out of planes must have several screws loose. So in answering this question I fear I will make myself look like a boring person. But, reading Shakespearian monologues in public places was pretty daring for a socially anxious person, as was travelling the breadth of Canada with very little money. Some would say walking up to a random woman and slapping her on the backside is a pretty daring thing to do (although others would, rightly, shower me with scorn for partaking in such a misogynistic act!) whilst others would (hopefully) agree with me when I settle on homelessness being the most daring (albeit unintentional) thing I’ve ever done.

56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV?

As I don’t receive television reception, it’s a fairly safe bet to say I don’t record anything on TV, otherwise I would just be recording a blank screen. My television is used exclusively for DVDs, Blu-rays and video games, nothing more.

57. What was the last book you read?

Justice Denied, by Robin Bowles. It is a true crime book concerning the disappearance and murder of a two-year old boy in Australia. Enthralling.

(57) Enthralling

58. What’s your favorite type of foreign food?

I am a man of simple tastes, so the food I eat is generally simple and non-adventurous. I don’t have a taste for Chinese, Japanese or other national food stuffs. In fact, the only non-British type food I eat is Thai, and that’s predominantly coconut rice, tofu and vegetables. It may make me look simple, but that’s just how it is.

59. Are you a clean or messy person?

I tend to be a bit of both, depending on my mood. If I’m in the upside of a bipolar cycle I’m immaculate, because I’m cleaning all the time. But if I’m in the low-end of the cycle, I’m beyond messy, as I have neither the motivation or energy to do any cleaning.

60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

Ahhhh, an excuse to share a link to one of my favourite posts: My life in a movie, in which I ruminate on what a movie of my life would be like. So why not go and read, it’s mightily entertaining. But as for the actual question, I would choose David Tennant to play me. A masterful, brilliant actor of tremendous depth.

(60) David Tennant, a masterful, brilliant actor of tremendous depth.

61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

If it takes me longer than five minutes to get ready there is something seriously wrong with me. Which at times, there is, as depression will often prevent me from getting out of bed, let alone getting myself ready to face the day!

62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day?

Kettle; I’m British, and as such, I like my tea! :)

63. What’s your favorite fast food chain?

The only fast food I will eat is Subway, because I love the Italian Herbs and Cheese bread and the old english cheese. I despise all other fast food outlets and will only eat at them when I am severely depressed and in a vicious ‘self-punishment’ mentality .

64. What’s your favorite family recipe?

Apple crumble; delicious!

65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters?

I hate rollercoasters. My life has too many ups and downs as it is, why would I want any more?

66. What’s your favorite family tradition?

I honestly cannot think of a single tradition my family has. When I was a kid, it always used to be the annual family gathering at Christmas, where food was consumed in vast quantities before merriment was had over board games and quizzes. Good times.

67. What is your favorite childhood memory?

The aforementioned Christmas gatherings would be up there as some of my favourite childhood memories, as would pretending to be wolves and playing in a big pile of mud with my first crush, playing Zelda on the SNES with Meadhbh offering backup, and performing as one of the ugly sisters in a primary school pantomime.

68. What’s your favorite movie?

Fight Club; a masterwork of direction, writing, acting and cinematography. Pure brilliance from beginning to end.

69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn’t real? How did you find out?

I have absolutely no idea. That’s how much Santa used to mean to me! :p

70. Is your glass half full or half empty?

Always half empty. It’s depressing, but then, so is life.

71. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love?

Emigrated to the other side of the world, sacrificing my family, friends, home and country of birth in the process. All for a woman I would later discover was having an affair and didn’t want me to emigrate in the first place. Fun times.

(68) Fight Club, pure brilliance from beginning to end.

72. What three items would you take with you on a deserted island?

i. My favourite book, Quest for a Kelpie.
ii. A journal (one with an attached pen to write with).
iii. A swiss army knife.

73. What was your favorite subject in school?

I used to love Media Studies. In fact, it was one of the few subjects I ever used to look forward to. I also used to enjoy English, especially the creative writing and Shakespeare studying aspects of the subject. So why I didn’t do English for A-level is a question only my social anxiety can answer!

74. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever eaten?

As I said above, I’m a very simple man, with very simple tastes. As such, I am not adventurous when it comes to eating. So I shall say jam.

75. Do you collect anything?

DVDs/Blu-Rays; as I said yesterday, film and television is one of my passions so it stands to reason I indulge in it from time to time. I also have a large collection of miscellaneous kink related paraphernalia that I’m mightily proud of, but I can’t go into that outside of a password protected post! :p

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Getting to know me, getting to know all about me… (II)

Recently, Marci (over at Marci, Mental Health and More) began a series of 100 questions designed to get to know someone better. As I’ve been blogging so infrequently lately I’ve decided to follow her lead and post my own answers to the questions. This way, people who’ve been following my blog for a while can get to know me a little better whilst newbies to my wonderful world can learn a few random things about me.

| Questions 1 – 26 |

27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not?

Given that no-one has ever surprised me in my life, with anything, I can’t say for sure whether I like surprises or not. I like the idea of them, and to have a surprise birthday party has been on my bucket list for years, but I’m not sure how my anxiety would cope with surprise. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to answer definitively either way.

28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read?

Out of those four options, I would have to choose watching a movie. I was a fan of television and film long before I began studying the genre through media studies and my film production college course, so watching a movie isn’t just about mindless entertainment, but an educational activity that keeps my brain ticking over as I study everything from cinematography to the director’s choice of music.

29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?

I’ve never been a beach bum. I like the beach, I do, but my body image issues prevents me from truly enjoying it. I also hate – and I mean hate – swimming in the ocean. And although I wouldn’t mind checking out the various volcanoes and landscapes of Hawaii, I believe I would be much happier amidst the cold and rugged terrain of Alaska.

30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why?

Yesterday I mentioned my work ethic and how rewarding and fulfilling I find employment, so this question is a no brainer. However nice it would be to have few money worries courtesy of a lottery win, I would be much happier working in my perfect job (which would be in the creative industry, such as writer or film-maker) than loitering around all day feeling the need to conform to champagne drinking stereotypes.

31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island?

Shay wants me to say Vanessa Hudgens, because she looks spankolicious in a bikini. Meadhbh wants me to say Link, from The Legend of Zelda video game series, but he’s fictional so I don’t think he counts. Personally, if I would be allowed to resurrect someone from the dead, I would choose my once friend Samantha, mainly because we would be able to fill our time nattering away and indulging in glorious mutual passions.

(31) Vanessa Hudgens, because she looks spankolicious in a bikini

32. If money was no object, what would you do all day?

Write. But if writer’s block was an issue, I’d think about writing.

33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?

Oooooo, this is a tough question as there are many years and moments I would like to experience. For example, 1966, in order to discover what happened to the Beaumont Children; 2001, in order to discover what happened to Peter Falconio on that dark stretch of highway; 1745, to experience the euphoria and determination of the ’45 uprising. But if I had to pick one year and one year only, I would choose 3000BCE, to witness the construction of the stone circle at Callanish in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland.

34. How would your friends describe you?

Vanessa is telling me moronic, useless, worthless and a waste of space. But she’s my most abusive voice and will take any and all opportunities to disparage me. Outside of her ‘suggestions’, I don’t really have any friends, so I have no idea how fictional people would describe me. If I had to guess – or rather, if I had to pick how I’d like to be described – it would be: passionate, strong, determined, inspirational and unique. If only.

35. What are your hobbies?

Film and television; writing; blogging; photography; reading; cycling; my kink; and dancing. Though I don’t dance much anymore, unfortunately.

36. What is the best gift you have been given?

A brown leather journal cover with a Celtic knotwork design that my sister gave me when I was a teenager. Twenty years later, I still have it with me, in fact it’s one of the only objects of my past that survived my homeless ordeal.

37. What is the worst gift you have received?

A (quite) hideous cardigan that my aunt and uncle gave me for Christmas one year. It didn’t suit me at all, but I felt obliged to wear it all day so as not to offend them.

(33) I would choose 3000BCE, to witness the construction of the stone circle at Callanish

38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without?

My computer. It’s my primary coping mechanism and I don’t know what I’d do without it. But, it’s on its last legs, and I fear it will die very soon. So I may be finding out what I’d do without it any day now!

39. List two pet peeves.

People who can’t fathom the difference between your and you’re. And chewing gum. I seriously can’t handle people chewing gum.

40. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Although it pains me to say, I will probably be just as lonely and isolated as I am today. My health will probably have worsened, to the point of total instability and I will no doubt be living somewhere that I hate as I won’t be able to afford to move somewhere that I love. Yep, I’m an optimist! :p

41. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

One. Being reliant on a state pension, which is not that generous an amount of money, I can’t afford to buy shoes unless I sacrifice some food or bill payments. Thus, I will wear the pair I have until they’re pretty much dead. It’s annoying, but it’s the only thing I can reasonably afford to do.

42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have?

Invisibility; heat vision; X-ray vision and flight. I’d be like Superman, only with the power to turn invisible. Freakin’ awesome!

43. What would you do if you won the lottery?

Firstly I would donate large swathes of money to charitable organisations, primarily those focussing on homelessness, mental health and cancer. Secondly, I would gift large swathes of money to various members of my immediate family so they could share in my good fortune and live happier lives And thirdly, I would purchase a small cottage in Inverness where I would live happily for the rest of my days.

44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.)

Ummmm, since when was a car a form of public transport? Okay, I guess a taxi would count, but still. My favourite is the humble train. I love trains. I love travelling on trains. I am happy on trains. So the train it is. For the record, my least favourite is the aeroplane, which is just a hideous way to travel.

45. What’s your favorite zoo animal?

The common wombat. I love wombats. Wombats rock! :D

(45) The common wombat. I love wombats. Wombats rock!

46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?

Oooooo, another tough question. In my life, it would be to go back to when I was teenager (Quantum Leap style) and ask my high school crush out. I believe that had I done this I would not have had the same issues with confidence and anxiety that I have today, so it would have a knock-on effect in changing my mental health and overall quality of life.

If I was changing something not related to me, it would be to stop the invention of the mobile phone – which I believe to be one of the worst inventions of the modern world. Sure, it has benefits in terms of contacting emergency services, but our reliance on mobiles have rendered us contactable 24 hours a day (who needs to be contacted 24 hours a day!?) and turned us into inwardly obsessed borderline narcissists incapable of maintaining any face to face social contact.

47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be?

i. Samantha, because I miss her dreadfully and believe her to be one of the most magical and interesting people I’ve met.

ii. Audrey Hepburn, because she’s divine.

iii. Alfred Hitchcock, because he was a film-making genius and I would love to quiz him on all things film-related.

iv. Charles de Lint, because he is so creative and talented, plus his storytelling prowess would enliven the table.

49. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep (and why)?

When I was manic in 2007, I can honestly not remember sleeping for approximately two weeks. I’m sure I must have slept at some point during this time, otherwise death would have ensued, but I don’t recall doing so at all.

50. What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top in?

This would be the Rialto Tower in Melbourne, Australia. I hate heights so truly hated being up there, but at least I can say I did it.

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Getting to know me, getting to know all about me… (I)

 

Recently, Marci (over at Marci, Mental Health and More) began a series of 100 questions designed to get to know someone better. As I’ve been blogging so infrequently lately I’ve decided to follow her lead and post my own answers to the questions. This way, people who’ve been following my blog for a while can get to know me a little better whilst newbies to my wonderful world can learn a few random things about me.

1. Who is your hero?

My fictional hero is The Doctor, from the magnificent television series that is Doctor Who. Many times when I am faced with a difficult and ultimately challenging decision I will ask myself ‘what would The Doctor do?’ before making my decision. Outside of the realm of fiction, my hero in the real world is a woman who works at the mental health organisation I occasionally frequent. She is a bright star in an otherwise dark world and is easily the most inspiring human being I’ve ever met.

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Without any hesitation, my answer would be Scotland. It is the greatest country on Earth and I miss it on a daily basis.

3. What is your biggest fear?

I am living my biggest fear, and have been living it for the last eight years; loneliness.

4. What is your favorite family vacation?

My favourite family vacation would probably be Jersey 1989; which was spent chilling out at a Pontins Holiday Camp, watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and generally eating sausage, eggs and chips on an almost daily basis. Good times.

5. What would you change about yourself if you could?

I wish I was less anxious. Ever since I developed social anxiety as a teenager it has ruled and governed virtually every aspect of my life. It has effected my educational career, friendships, my relationship with my body, every relationship I’ve been in and random day-to-day events. I hate it. I truly and utterly hate it. Yet no matter what I do. No matter what help I seek. No matter what treatment I undertake. Nothing seems to have any effect in reducing this most destructive of mental illnesses.

Urquhart Castle, on the shores of Loch Ness. Scotland.

6. What really makes you angry?

Selfishness. Arrogance. Narcissism. And abuse. If you choose to abuse someone, you are nothing to me.

7. What motivates you to work hard?

I like doing something well, no matter if it’s working at a backpacked hostel or writing a blog. I am determined to do the best that I can. Thus, what motivates me is my own work ethic, my own determination and my own self-belief.

8. What is your favorite thing about your career?

Alas, I don’t have a career. So I can’t really answer this question as I don’t have a favourite thing about being a disabled unemployed person.

9. What is your biggest complaint about your job?

Again, I don’t have a job, sorry.

10. What is your proudest accomplishment?

This blog. It doesn’t sound like much but – even though my abuser did her best to destroy my pride in this blog – I’ve always been proud of what I’ve accomplished on these pages over the last eight years.

11. What is your child’s proudest accomplishment?

Alas, I don’t have any children. Thanks for rubbing that in!

12. What is your favorite book to read?

Quest for a Kelpie; a magnificent book for young adults set in eighteenth century Scotland. A masterwork.

13. What makes you laugh the most?

My friends always used to make me laugh, but since being socially isolated, very little makes me laugh these days. In fact, the only times I do chuckle are when I’m watching comedies on DVD, with Parks and Recreation my go-to option.

14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? 

The last movie I saw in the cinema was The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, in January 2014…and I thought it was quite brilliant, easily the best of The Hobbit trilogy. The last movie I saw on DVD (as anxiety prevents me from visiting the cinema any more) was Big Hero 6…which I thought was, quite frankly, crap.

15. What did you want to be when you were small?

A writer. Although I accepted a long time ago I’ll never become one.

16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up?

Again, I don’t have any children. You really like rubbing that in, don’t you!

17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? 

I would love to spend a day hanging out, talking to and generally having a spot of fun with my friends. But I don’t have any, so I can’t.

18. What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play?

The only sport I like to watch and play is snooker. I’m terrible at it, but I still enjoy it.

19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? 

Given that I hate cars and horses are a trigger for my abusive relationship, I’d rather ride a bike. Which I do, quite happily, quite frequently.

20. What would you sing at Karaoke night?

I have two songs I would love to karaoke: Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Meatloaf) and Holding Out For a Hero (Bonnie Tyler)

21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most?

I am rarely in a car, so I don’t listen to the radio there. I often listen to the radio at home, primarily 2AY (local station with talk-back and music) and Radio National (a national station with lots of documentaries and news reports)

22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?

Vacuum the house. I love vacuuming the house. It’s such a mindful and relaxing activity.

23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work?

Cooking. I used to be a rather good cook (courtesy of training from Louise, my first girlfriend) but since being homeless I have lost a lot of these skills. Most likely because I don’t have access to a fully stocked kitchen and that I can’t afford decent, fresh ingredients.

24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Jacket potatoes with butter, cheese and a little sprinkling of cracked black pepper. Mmmmmm. Scrumptious! :)

Jacket Potato with Cheese

25. Who is your favorite author?

Ever since I read Memory and Dream back in 2001, my favourite author has been Charles de Lint; a magnificent writer of Urban Fantasy, my favourite genre.

26. Have you ever had a nickname? What is it?

My nickname at school was (when not a series of insults) Zakey…I have no idea why. I have always hated Andy, which riles me up no end. In fact, the only nickname I’ve ever related to is Addy – which, ironically enough – was given to be by my abuser. It’s the only good thing she ever did for me.

 

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The DOs and DON’Ts of Self Harm

I found this years ago in a Facebook group and have always thought it quite brilliant, hence my reason for sharing it today:

The DOs and DON’Ts of Self Harm

01. Don’t ask them why. If they want you to know why, they will tell you. Most of the time they don’t even know why.
02. Sometimes they just need to tell someone, because they fucking need to.
03. Never talk about him/her behind their back. They will find out and they will be pissed. They prefer you to speak directly to them.
04. If you ask them to never self-harm again, and they say “okay”, they’re lying.
05. Never ask them to never self-harm again.
06. Don’t try and understand why they do it. You’re wasting your time.
07. If you don’t know what to do, just ask them “Are you [insert appropriate form of harm here]? Do you need to talk about it?”
08. Get over your own insecurities about worrying if they’ll hate you for asking.
09. Asking shows concern. Not asking shows negligence and an “I really couldn’t care less” attitude.
10. Telling a teacher/parent/counsellor/other friend before talking to the person in question shows “I can’t be fucked working up the courage to ask them myself”. But it’s better than #09.
11. Offering suggestions of other means of coping is pointless.
12. Tell them that you’re there for them. No matter what. And you never judge. And you will always listen. And you will always just be there. And sometimes you never have to say a word at all. Sometimes they don’t want you to say anything.
13. It does not mean they love or enjoy pain.
14. It gives them the right to make fun of themselves/other self harmers.
15. Depending on the situation, it does not give you the right to.
16. Classifying them as “emo” only reduces yourself to an ill-informed bitch who believes you’re God’s gift.
17. It is not always a case of attention-seeking. A lot of the time it isn’t.
18. Self harm is a way of coping with emotions. While most people might cry and scream and rant and rage, self-harmers generally don’t express those sorts of emotions openly, and bottle them inside. The only way they know that works of releasing them is by inflicting pain on themselves. Hence the NOT ATTENTION SEEKING.
19. If they wanted attention they would go slit their wrists in the toilets at school and walk out with their clothes soaking in blood, collapse in the middle of the school grounds, and wail.
20. Other people self harm because they’re so emotionally numb on the inside, they need the pain to remind themselves that they’re alive.
21. Others hurt themselves because they believe they deserve it.
22. There are 39846324956234986487562387456238475123518746459865 other reasons for self harm.
23. There is not one direct cause. There is usually a trigger. A trigger may be a picture of a cut. That will get them thinking of cuts. That will get them into the mindset of cutting. And inevitably, they will want to cut.
24. Other triggers include any form of high negative emotion.
25. There is a difference between cutting for release and cutting for addiction.
26. Addiction-cutting is when you used to cut because you needed it, and now you cut because you can’t stop. You have no way of controlling the emotions without cutting. So you cut when you’re angry, sad, depressed, etc. It works. Temporarily. So when the same emotion comes up, they do it again. Only this time it doesn’t work as well. So they do it harder. And etc.
27. They know they shouldn’t do it, it’s no use telling them that.
28. Some of them like their scars, some of them hate them. Some are proud of them, some are ashamed. Just because one likes them and the other doesn’t, does not mean that the one who likes them is “okay” with what they do.
29. The need and want to self-harm rarely goes away.
30. Ask them questions about what they do. If they don’t want to talk about it – don’t push it. But if they do want to talk about it – keep asking questions. Don’t let them do all the talking. Ask questions. Questions are caring. Questions show them that you love them enough to want to know what they do, so you can understand and be there for them as best as you can.

Related articles

• Self-harm: Manchester youngsters tell their stories – and how sufferers can get help
• Put an End to Self-harm!
• Participating in self-injury research doesn’t appear to trigger self-harm, study finds

Thirteen questions I think about…a lot

1. Why are people so eager to forget that men can also be victims of abuse?

Statistically more women are abused than men. That much is beyond question. But does that mean we should just forget about all the men who are living in violent relationships? All the men who are living in fear of their partner’s violent outbursts, be they physical or psychological? If you were to believe the mainstream media, we should absolutely be forgetting these people, these human beings, because I have never in my life read an article, opinion piece or commentary in the mainstream media about female on male domestic violence. I am not a MRE, but I believe this is wrong. Just wrong.

2. What happened to the Beaumont Children?

On the 26 January 1966, three children disappeared whilst visiting Glenelg Beach in South Australia. They were never seen or heard from again. Forty-nine years later no-one has any idea (beyond random theory and hypothetical) what happened to these children…and it is something that has bugged me for a very long time. In fact, inventing a time machine in order to travel back to that day has been on my bucket list for ten years!

3. Why is cheese so deliciously addictive?

Seriously, it’s like crack cocaine for dairy lovers!

Why is cheese so deliciously addictive?

4. Why do shops insist on using price stickers that refuse to come off?

Oh lordy, does this annoy me! There’s a shop in my town that sells second-hand DVDs and their price stickers seem to be welded onto the case as it’s impossible to remove them. I want to look at the beautiful cover art, not a massive piece of white paper with a garish bar code on it!

5. Why do so many people still believe mental illness doesn’t exist? 

This isn’t rocket science, people! We can have illnesses of every single body part you can think of. Heart disease, pancreatitis, lung cancer, stubbed toe…to name but a few. So why is it so hard to understand there can also be an illness within the brain? Morons.

6. Why is chocolate eaten at Easter?

Well, why do we? Why not donuts or celery or chicken or mangoes or jam? Who decided it should be chocolate? Other than the chocolate manufacturers, that is.

Why is chocolate eaten at Easter?

7. Is Grosse Pointe Blank the greatest film in John Cusack‘s body of work?

Of course it’s not. That honour belongs to Say Anything…

8. Why do people refuse to take responsibility for their actions?

This one bugs me more than anything else. Even though many of my actions over the last ten years can be blamed squarely on the ups and downs of my bipolar cycle (including the loss of friends, bad life decisions, homelessness and randomly spanking unsuspecting women on the backside) I still take full responsibility for my (occasionally misogynistic) actions. And if I have to take responsibility for things, why don’t other people? Criminals exclusively blaming their crimes on the drug ice, random strangers blaming other random strangers for bad car driving skills…no…take effing responsibility for your actions, decisions and emotions, you’re grown adults for crying out loud, not petulant children!

9. When did motorised bicycles become such a thing?

If you want a motorbike, buy a bloody motorbike…because riding around on a bicycle with a lawnmower engine attached to it makes you look like a twat. Period.

When did motorised bicycles become such a thing?

10. Is reliance on technology making our children stupid?

Oh, they can type like some random typing demon, but can they write with their hands? Oh, they can play with an iPad like some master tech guru, but can they use their imagination for play? Oh, they can speed type a text message on their swanky iPhones, but can they have an actual face-to-face conversation? All pertinent questions that demand to be answered for the sake of all human kind.

11. Who is the best Doctor?

Personally, it’s David Tennant all the way. Why? Because he balanced the light/dark sides of the character more perfectly than anyone else who has undertaken the role. But I’m always keen on debating this with people, I am a fan after all!

12. Why do I keep writing this blog?

Eight years of writing the same blog is a bloody long time, so much so that I often question whether or not I have anything left to say, or more importantly, whether I have anything left that people will be interested in. Ho hum, I guess time will tell on this one!

Who is the best Doctor?

13. How many people will understand the MRE acronym I used in question one?

Well…did you?