Spanking…

~ Meadhbh wanted to share this. I couldn’t agree more! :p ~

Challenge yourself. You might be surprised!

My normal, boring, monotonous routine was well and truly shaken up today, and my anxiety, which is already super-high, was well and truly challenged as a result.

After waking from a fitful sleep my morning began like any other; talk radio, internet and smoking. Rather than endlessly scour the news websites as I usually do, I decided to be a little more productive by writing a blog post. It wasn’t a great blog post, but was one I’d been considering writing for a week, and although it was tough to get my brain into gear, it felt good to be writing instead of mindlessly reading entertainment articles.

The reason it was hard to get my brain into gear was because I was contemplating this afternoon’s activity. Normally I would walk down the road, grocery shop, return home, watch a movie then listen to talk radio whilst surfing the internet. It’s my safety net. My normal, boring, monotonous routine. But today was different. Today I had an appointment.

A few months ago my support worker submitted an application for a program operated by a local gym. Named Open Doors, it provides gym membership for people who are experiencing hardship and/or mental health issues. It’s designed to get people active. It’s designed to get them moving. A few weeks ago my application was approved and I was granted a 3-month membership to their facility. In addition to full use of the gym, I also have access to the swimming pool, spa and whatever group classes I wish to participate in. And if I attend the gym 20 times over the next three months, I may be granted an additional 3-month membership. An incentive, of sorts, to maintain a healthy regime. Part of the program is an appointment with a personal trainer, who analyses your current exercise regime and suggests a work-out that would suit your particular needs. And today I had that appointment.

I’d known about the appointment for two weeks, and my anxiety has been extremely high as a result. I hate gyms at the best of times. All those gym bunnies with perfect pert bodies trigger my body image issues and, as a result, heighten my anxiety. I feel rotten in a gym. I feel inadequate. I feel worthless. I become obsessed with my appearance and despise pretty much everything about myself as a result. It would have been easy to cancel the appointment. To not show up. To just let the 3-month membership slowly expire. But I was determined to go because I’m determined to shake up my routine. I’m determined to increase my activity in an effort to make myself feel fitter and lose some of the weight Olanzapine has put on. So I strapped on my running shoes and walked the five kilometers to the leisure center where I waited patiently for my appointment.

It was – of course – with a woman. For those who missed it, I admitted earlier today that women scare me more than anything else. Especially uber-fit, toned and beautiful women. Which of course, being a fitness instructor, this woman was. But she was also nice. Which made me question not only my fear of women but also my anxiety surrounding the appointment. We started with a Q&A session about my current exercise routine before she took my blood pressure, questioned me on my medical background and worked out both my weight and height. I never weigh myself. My body image issues can’t handle it. So I was freaking out about getting on the scales. Freaking out about finding just how much weight I’ve put on. The last time I weighed myself was some two years ago at the GP, before Olanzapine piled on the pounds and turned me into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Back then, I was 100kg. Today, I expected to be at least 110kg, if not 120kg. Fortunately, and to my surprise, I was still 100kg. Which just goes to show that you can’t always trust your mind!

After the initial part of the appointment was over, she took me into the gym for a quick tour, before advising me on the best regime for my beginner status. I’m to start with 5mins on the treadmill, followed by squats, followed by planks, followed by sessions on several different weight machines. To finish, a simple five-minute cool down on the exercise bike. But I can always swap the bike and treadmill around, if I felt like it. It’s a pretty simple routine, and one I should be able to manage, as long as I can stomach hiking the 10km round trip to the leisure center three times a week; which is my work-out goal.

After being shown the routine she left me to my own devices and, as I was there, performed my first tour of the treadmill-weights-bike that is to be my routine over the coming weeks. It’s been some eighteen months since I was last in the gym and I’m sure I will feel it tomorrow, but it felt good to be being active again. It felt good to be strolling along the treadmill, it felt good to be performing my first ever plank and it felt good to be lifting weights and feeling the burn in my stomach and abs.

Whether or not I will stick to my Monday-Wednesday-Friday workout goal is yet to be seen. The only thing that will stop me will be anxiety and/or the walk to the leisure center. But I’m adamant I want the 3-month extension to the program, and to do that, I need to visit at least twenty times over the next three months. My current monotonous life shows how easily it is for me to exist within a routine, so all I need to do is challenge my anxiety, my body image issues, and alter my current routine into something different. It shouldn’t be too difficult – surely! And who knows, perhaps it will result in me meeting a gym bunny with a perfect pert body. A gym bunny who finds me undeniably sexy and can’t resist throwing herself upon me at any given opportunity…what? I’m not allowed to dream? ;)

By the time I walked home I was feeling quite proud of myself. Not only had I successfully altered my normal, boring, monotonous routine, I had successfully challenged my anxiety and prevented a panic attack. Not bad for one days work! It proves that no matter how hard something is, how scared you are of doing something, it is possible to get through it with little to no harm on your person. Challenge yourself. You might be surprised!

30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 16

Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
What advice would you give to someone about self harm?

Four tips for someone who is about to self harm…

Distract yourself…
There are a myriad of ways that you can distract yourself when the urge to self harm arises. Simple activities, such as watching a movie or playing some songs that make you happy, may turn your attention away from whatever has triggered your urge. Other activities, such as colouring in, playing with play-dough, smelling essential oils, hugging a cuddly toy or spanking a pillow, are also excellent in distracting yourself from self harm urges. In fact, any activity that sparks the senses – sight, smell, touch, sound etc. – can work wonders when it comes to controlling your self harm desires.

Be creative…
One activity that I have used to control my self harm urges involves a red felt tip pen and your flesh. If you’re a cutter, which I am, instead of using a knife on your skin, use a red felt tip pen instead. Draw on your arm the cuts that you would otherwise have made. Perhaps instead of drawing the cuts, draw something fun and creative. I used to draw intricate patterns on my flesh, all of which distracted my mind away from my urges onto the act of creativity. This activity may work for you, it may not, but it’s worth trying all the same as anything is better than cutting.

Build a self harm safety box…
I don’t mean make a box from scratch with wood and the like, I mean take a shoe box or other cardboard container and fill it with things that you can use to distract yourself from self harm. Throw in some candy to enliven your taste buds. May I suggest popping candy, to give you a touch sensation in your mouth as you eat. How about throwing in your favourite cuddly toy, some Sudoku puzzles to get your brain working, a stress ball, bubbles or books. I have a movie or two in my safety box. I also have a notebook and colouring pens for doodling and drawing. My safety box contains all manner of items that I can turn to instead of self harming, so when the urge arises, I can turn to the box and find something to occupy myself with instead of turning to the knife to harm myself. In fact, I would highly recommend a safety box to anyone who battles with self harm urges.

>>> Read ‘How to create a self harm safety box‘…

Pamper yourself…
Instead of self harming, why not run yourself a nice soothing bath with all manner of bath salts and sweet-smelling bubbles? How about treating yourself to an epic shower – remember, the hot and cold of a shower can be a wonderful distraction – plus you have the added advantage of getting all squeaky clean at the same time. Or how about lathering yourself with scented body butter to soothe your skin and excite your senses. Instead of harming yourself, be nice to yourself, and you’ll find your self harm urges dissipating quicker than you can say “I’m awesome!”

Work out…
Exercising releases endorphins. Endorphins relieve pain. Endorphins make you happy. So instead of harming yourself, head to the local gym and do an epic work out to get your endorphins rocking into action. You’d be amazed at how quickly you feel better when your body gets moving. If you don’t fancy heading to the gym, or can’t deal with being out in public, do some exercise at home. Squats. Planks. Sit-ups. They all help to release endorphins. They all help to make you feel better when life gets too much to handle.

…and two tips for someone who already has!

Remember first aid…
My self harm kit contains first aid paraphernalia as well as knives and scissors. I have disinfectant, bandages, plasters, wipes, everything and anything that I think I might need to heal myself after the event. Personally I think this is a vital aspect of self harm. Sometimes the damage we inflict is not serious to warrant hospital intervention, sometimes it isn’t even serious enough to warrant going to a doctor, but it is always serious enough to warrant some form of self-care. So when self harming, be mindful of what you can do to help yourself after the event. Always have disinfectant, bandages and the like handy so you can clean up after the fact and limit any infection or unwanted side effects that may occur.

Keep a list of emergency numbers handy…
Sometimes things don’t go to plan. Even though I had been self harming for years, always able to control the damage I was inflicting, in 2008 I accidentally cut too deep when I was self harming. Unable to stem the flow of blood myself, I had to somehow navigate a nasty depressive and agoraphobic episode to seek medical aid. The episode was so bad that I couldn’t remember anything. Not even my name, let alone the number to call an ambulance. Now, in case of self harm emergencies, I keep a list of emergency numbers on the lid of my safety box; 000, suicide helplines, general helplines, my local GP and support worker. Anyone who may be able to help in the event of a self harm emergency. I’ve never had to use the list, but I am thankful it is there, in case I did need to use it. So consider compiling a list of important numbers of your own and keep it somewhere handy. You don’t have to limit the numbers to medical contacts, you may want to list a few friends who you can call, for you never know what you might forget whilst lost to a period of depression and self harm.

What about you? Do you have any tips, tricks, tactics or advice that helps you deal with self harm urges? I’d love to know…

100 Questions, 100 Answers

This meme has been doing the rounds lately. I’ve seen it pop up on Marci, Mental Health & More, Blahpolar Diaries and Madness, Sparkle & Creative Flair. As I enjoy these questionnaires, mainly because they allow people to get to know me a little better, I thought I would join the party and undertake the task of answering all one hundred questions. So strap yourselves in for an epic task, and don’t forget to enjoy yourselves along the way! :)

1.How are you, really?

Feeling pretty flat, depressed and uninspired at the moment, if truth be told. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I can’t decide what to do today.

2. What are you thinking about?

What am I going to do once this questionnaire is over. Do I walk down the street? Do I cook a grilled cheese sandwich? Do I do something naughty?

3.What’s your favourite colour?

Purple. And red. I like purple and red.

4. What’s your favourite food?

Jacket potatoes with cheese and butter. Unbelievably scrumptious and only a little bad for you.

5. What’s your favourite dessert?

I don’t really do desserts, but if you had to twist my arm, perhaps a slice of chocolate cake or two.

6. How old are you?

Physically I’m 36 years old. Emotionally, due to trauma, I’m 28. Mentally, due to homelessness, I’m 76. It’s all manner of confusing, I know!

7. What have you learned today?

That sleep is beautiful.

8. What was your favourite subject in school?

Media studies. By far the most fun I had during my school experience.

9. What do you do?

I’m an unemployed, disability pension receiver. So I don’t really do anything, unfortunately.

10. What are some of your favourite books?

Memory and Dream, The Stornoway Way, Thirteen Reasons Why, Northern Lights: A Poet’s Sources and Quest for a Kelpie.

11. What are some of your favourite movies?

Fight Club, Local Hero, Say Anything, any of the exquisite Studio Ghibli films; especially My Neighbor Totoro and The Descent.

12. What kind of music are you into?

I have a very eclectic musical taste. I like everything from Taylor Swift to Nick Cave to Musical Theater. But I’m particularly fond of the folk, folk/rock, blues and roots genres. Things like Serena Ryder, Josh Ritter, Runrig, Wolfstone, Nick Cave and Hawksley Workman.

13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

My autobiography, which I’ve started working on, is tentatively titled: All that I am, all that I ever was. My first fiction book, which has been written but has become lost, was titled The Ghosts that Haunt Me. It will be rewritten one day!

14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

Get on a plane to fly from the UK to Australia. I hate flying. Truly and utterly hate it. So a twenty-four hour flight was a huge challenge for me!

15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

My blog; it takes tremendous courage to write so openly and honestly, and I’ve always been proud that I was able to find such courage.

16. Are you married?

Alas, I am not. I would love to be. But I’m not.

17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?

Alas, I am currently single. I would love to not be. But I am.

18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?

I really don’t think it makes all that much difference. As the answer to my age question above revealed, age is all relative anyway. If you get married when you’re young, all power to you. If it doesn’t happen until you’re 50 or 60, all power to you as well. It really doesn’t matter.

19. Do you have any kids?

Alas, I do not. I would love to. But I don’t.

20. Have you ever thought of adopting?

Actually, I have. I had a conversation with my support worker about this very topic not too long ago. But because I’m a single male, living on the disability pension in a one bedroomed unit, we decided I wouldn’t have much chance of being successful. Despite the fact I would be a loving father.

(21) Or a centaur.

21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Happy. But seriously, I always wanted to be a writer. Or a centaur.

22. How did you get into your profession?

I’m not in a profession, or were you not paying attention when you asked me what I did for a living?

23. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?

Like I said, I’m not in a profession. But I wouldn’t recommend being on the disability pension, it’s a pretty uninspiring and mediocre life.

24. What do you do for fun?

I write. I read. I watch movies and television in epic binge sessions. I dream about dancing. I walk. I cycle. And I do naughty things with myself! ;)

25. Do you like traveling?

I used to love traveling. In fact, I spent the better part of 1999/2000 backpacking around Scotland and Canada. Although I would love to travel again, I don’t think I could do the whole backpacking thing again. I like my privacy too much to deal with smelly dorm rooms and snoring behemoths.

26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?

Antarctica. Or Canada. Or Scotland. I miss Scotland something terrible.

27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?

Charles de Lint. Serena Ryder. Tony Abbott (so I can flying bitch slap him!) And a beautiful redhead with a cute posterior who accepts (and loves) me for who I am.

28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

If someone can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve to see you at your best.

29. What’s one of your favourite habits you have?

I enjoy smoking, sometimes, although this enjoyment has been on the wane lately. I also enjoy the fact I bite the skin around my nails, even though that sounds pretty disgusting! Oh, and there’s the fact I go on dates with my voices, that’s a habit that I love!

30. What are some things that make you really happy?

Good movies. Inspiring books. Dancing in the rain. Vegemite on toast. Broccoli. The female posterior. And spanking. Spanking makes me happy! :p

31. What are some things that make you really sad?

Bad movies. Uninspiring books. Dancing in the sunshine. Marmite on toast. Onions. My posterior. And self-spanking. Self-spanking makes me sad! :p

32. What are some things that scare you?

Heights, flying, spiders, people, social situations and women. Women scare me more than anything else.

33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?

I like to plan things out in detail. I’m not a very spontaneous person. I like to know what’s going on and why things are happening. It’s an anxiety thing!

34. Are you a religious person?

I’m not.

35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Audrey Hepburn, the Beaumont Children (so I could find out what happened to them) and Vincent Van Gogh.

36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?

The city; so much more to occupy my cultural and artistic craving mind.

37. What was your life like growing up?

Adolescence was pretty normal. But with my sister’s mental health issues coming to the fore, my teenage years were pretty rough.

38. What were you like in high school?

Quiet. Shy. Introverted. Unpopular. Bullied. They weren’t happy times.

39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

One brother, older; one sister, younger.

40. What’s your favourite part about today so far?

Nothing exciting has happened today so far. So probably deciding to answer these questions, such is the banality of my life!

(35) Audrey Hepburn

41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

Samantha; she taught me to accept a part of me I had always been afraid of. And Grace; who helped me accept myself for who I am.

42. What’s your favourite joke?

I don’t really do jokes. I’m not that way inclined.

43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

I’ve never tried it. And I never will.

44. Do you like spicy food?

I’m a simple man with simple tastes. And those tastes don’t include spicy food.

45. How do you like your steak cooked?

I hate steak. I find it abhorrent and disgusting.

46. Do you have a favourite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?

6. I like things happening in sixes. It’s weird, I’ll grant you, but it’s just the way I am.

47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I would be a wombat. Cuddly, cute and built like a small tank.

48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

I once screamed out “Kittyfantasticobeaver!” at the top of my voice in a tourism shop in Jasper, Canada. Don’t ask why, it’s too weird!

49. What kind of vacations do you like?

Quiet, inspiring and adventurous. I like hiking and exploring the natural world. I like investigating museums and art galleries. I’m not really the sort of person to spend a fortnight sunbaking on a beach or getting ratarsed in nightclubs; neither of these things hold the slightest interest for me.

50. What are some of your major goals in life?

Recovery from my mental illnesses. To write a book. To have this book published. To get married to a wonderful women and have two beautiful children; although this will most likely never happen, but I still hold onto the dream that one day it will!

51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

To begin going to the gym on a regular basis. To eat healthier food. To quit smoking. And live through each day.

52. What do you like least about yourself?

How much time do you have? I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my emotions, I hate my mental illnesses, I hate pretty much everything about myself.

53. What embarrasses you?

Nothing really. Aside from being in social situations. They always embarrass me as I stress over what people are thinking about me. It’s a social anxiety thing!

54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Art gallery curator. I think that would be fun.

55. What’s your earliest memory?

Walking to the library by myself. And I felt so freaking awesome!

56. What’s the best decision you ever made?

To start writing my blog.

57. Who’s your best / closest friend?

Meadhbh; she’s my primary voice and someone who’s been talking to me since I was thirteen. Due to my social isolation, I don’t have any friends in real life, sadly.

58. What do you think people think of you?

I think they think I’m the most selfish, worthless, repulsive piece of human excrement that has ever existed. And I have my abuser to thank for that!

59. What were your grades like in school?

Not bad. Not great. Fairly average really.

60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

How to dance properly.

(61) Definitely, and proudly, an introvert.

61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert. Definitely, and proudly, an introvert.

62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Many times. But none of the psychologists/psychiatrists explained the results. Bastards.

63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Approaching from the front; their eyes. Approaching from the rear; their posterior.

64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?

Yes. We are all in control of our own lives.

65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others?

Everyone is equally valuable. No human being is worth more than someone else. Doesn’t matter your class, your social standing or how much money you have in the bank. Everyone is equal. Everyone is exactly the same as everyone else. And if you think differently, you’re an idiot.

66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

Basically bad. It’s a social anxiety thing!

67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

Morals are relative to beliefs, traditions and practices.

68. Do you think God exists?

No.

69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

Yes.

70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

I don’t vote. I’m not allowed to vote in Australia as I’m only a permanent resident, not a citizen, and I’ve become disenfranchised from the UK, so I’m not allowed to vote there either. It’s pretty annoying, as I’d love to be able to vote somewhere!

71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

Our sexuality is not a choice. Gay people don’t choose to be gay, straight people don’t choose to be straight, BDSM aficionados don’t choose their lifestyle. It is something someone is born with. Something they have no control over. And the more people realise that. The happier people would be.

72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

No. Torture is never the answer.

73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I would never kill anyone, regardless of the situation or circumstance.

74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

In one go? A few hundred dollars to charity.

75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Moving to Australia. It is something I deeply regret now, but at the time it made perfect sense.

76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Moving to Australia. It is something I deeply regret now, but at the time it made perfect sense.

77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

No idea. I’m not very good when it comes to political issues or coming up with masterplans to end world poverty or destigmatise mental illness. I just do what little I can to raise awareness of the issues I’m interested in. Whether these little things make a difference isn’t for me to say, but I like to think that they help some people, some times.

78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Pay teachers a helluva lot better than we do now. We expect them to educate and mold the minds of the next generation but we pay them peanuts. It’s disgraceful.

79. In general, what do you think about art?

I love art. I don’t always understand it. But I love it all the same.

80. What are some of your favorite websites?

WordPress, various personal blogs, The Conversation and several naughty sites about something that makes me happy! :)

(80) The Conversation

81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?

Abusive mentality. Having been in one abusive relationship already, I would never, not even for a million dollars, do it again.

82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

I tend not to tell big lies. Just small white lies.

83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

That I’m actually a decent, kind, caring and compassionate human being.

84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

That I’m actually a decent, kind, caring and compassionate human being.

85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Groan. Get out of bed. Pee. Make a cup of tea. Smoke. Turn on talk radio. Fire up the computer to check for comments on my blog.

86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

Amidst a cavalcade of calamity, including physical assault, rape and homelessness, the worst thing that ever happened to me was being the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. The damage this caused my life was epic in scale and the ramifications are something I’ve never been able to deal with.

87. Do you cry easily?

I used to. But not any more.

88. How do you feel about public speaking?

I hate it. Although I find it exhilarating at the same time.

89. Do you like to talk on the phone?

No. I hate the phone. I despise the phone. In fact, I rarely, if ever, talk on the phone.

90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Spam emails: dozens. Interesting and enlightening emails: none.

91. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

David Tennant.

92. What’s one of your favourite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

I don’t ask questions. I don’t say very much at all. Hence why I don’t have any friends or have any conversations. It’s a social anxiety thing!

93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

Hell no!

94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

I’ve never punched someone, but I’ve had someone beat the crap out of me on several occasions. Having middle class hipsters attack you is part and parcel of homeless life, unfortunately.

95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

I don’t pull pranks. I’m not all that good at them. Although I did once convince my sister that Xander was going to get his own spin-off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she hated me when she discovered this wasn’t going to happen.

96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

I honestly can’t remember. Although it probably involved going for dinner with my family.

97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Teaching. And pretty much every emergency service.

98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

Life is shit. And then you die.

99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

I’ve known what it’s like to be forgotten, and it isn’t pleasant. But I would choose that over being hated.

100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

No. I would probably feel quite happy about my impending fate. It would mean that the pain would be over.

30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 15

Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?

Aside from a few blogs that touch on self harm (e.g. Pride in Madness, Marci, Mental Health and More, Imillnotcrazy) I frequent very few websites that tackle this topic. The reason for this is simple: I find discussion of self harm triggering, and were I to read blogs about self harm, my personal safety may be put in jeopardy.  In the past I have visited numerous blogs and websites about self harm, but continuously found myself up against highly triggering images of other peoples self harm. I have never liked looking at pictures of self harm, because it makes me want to replicate the damage on my own flesh, so such content put me off visiting these sites on a repeated basis.

“Your story possesses the capacity to inspire courage. It can create change and compassion, transforming a culture of stigma and misunderstanding. Your story matters because it can give another person hope.”
~ from Why Your Story Matters, by Rachael Stevens

The only website that I turn to for support when it comes to my self harm is To Write Love On Her Arms. Despite the slightly sexist name (some men write love on their arms too!) it is a glorious collection of inspiration, insight and supportive content. It’s blog, written by several different authors, is worth anyone’s time and regularly posts thought-provoking and inspiring stories. An events page houses a collection of events and campaigns that you can join, which is fine if you live in the US where most of the events take place, but less relevant for me, living as I do on the arse end of the world. There is also a store, where you can by branded merchandise, as well as all manner of information relating to depression, self harm and mental illness. It is certainly a website that I admire, and one that is more than worth a little of your time.

Ruminations on friendship from a lonely, forgotten soul

As per usual, my weekend has been subdued, quiet and uneventful. In fact, the only thing to happen of note was my date with Meadhbh on Saturday afternoon. After my Lego Batman fueled conversation with Audrey on Friday, Meadhbh opted to hunt fantastical creatures in Monster Hunter Tri, a Wii game that sees you play the part of a hunter tasked with ridding the environment of marauding creatures. We used to play it extensively back in 2013, and it is a game that marked a turning point in our relationship, as it symbolized the rebuilding of trust and friendship after Meadhbh’s abusive  phase. This came up in conversation on Saturday, with Meadhbh lamenting her years spent attacking me, though never once providing an explanation for why she had done it. She never has. It is just something I have to deal with, another complication in an already complicated relationship.

What my date with Meadhbh proved was twofold. Firstly, it proved to me that Meadhbh knows me better than anyone else. Audrey and Vanessa would disagree, of course, but Meadhbh can make my heart sing in ways they could only dream of. She has been part of my life for over twenty years, and as we talked on Saturday, we reminisced about various events and incidents that had defined our relationship. From the SNES gaming, self harming and school bullying teenage years, through to the supportive confident Meadhbh has become today. Secondly, my date with Meadhbh proved once and for all how lonely I have become. And although she says she understands, I don’t think even Meadhbh can grasp just how painful my isolation is.

For eight years now, save for a six month period in 2008, my only company has been my voices. I spend each and every day alone, isolated and ostracized from the world, and the people who populate it. Sure, there are people online who comment on my blog and extend friendship via the interwebs, and I love each and every one of them, but it doesn’t alter the fact that I am eternally alone. I miss having people text me. I miss having people phone me up just to see how I am. I miss meeting my friends at the pub for a lively trivia night. And I miss having someone to turn to when life gets me down. There is only so much my voices can do. Sure, they can offer a friendly ear and a supportive comment, but they cannot wrap their arms around my trembling body and hug the pain away. They cannot brush their hand over mine and whisper that everything will be alright. And they cannot slap me in the face and tell me to stop acting like a moron.

I miss my friends.

I miss Grace. I miss Samantha.

I miss Annie, Deborah and Rachel.

I even miss Kathy; before she became the emotionally abusive sociopathic narcissist she became.

Myself, Grace, Kathy and others; proof that my friends did exist, once upon a time.

We had so many good times together. Times that, today, feel like distant long-ago dreams. Visions of serenity amidst a fog of chaos and pain. Annie and I spent so many wonderful days together in Canada; swimming in snake infested lakes, hiking mountainous regions and playing silly games whilst laying under a canvas roof. Deborah and I traveled Scotland together; exploring Stornoway, falling in love with Berneray and enacting movies amidst the Callanish Standing Stones. We used to stay up for hours, Deborah and I, just talking and smoking into oblivion. It was beautiful. And yet all these times; of Rachel slapping me in the face as we supped on whisky; of Grace and I performing an impromptu karaoke of Elephant Love Medley; of Samantha and I doing naughty (wonderful) things in a Glaswegian hotel, they are all but dreams now. Events that never happened. Events I have fabricated from the desolation of my own isolated imagination. The rampant fantasies of a lonely man lost to the world. Deep down I know they happened. Deep down I know I playfully spanked Samantha in an Adelaidian park, I know I used to sit in pubs and talk bollocks with Grace, I know Kathy and I would flirt our collective asses off with each other as we bent over a pool table. But those times, those moments and memories that make up my life, feel distant, deserted and wrong. They don’t feel like my memories. They feel like anything but.

It’s almost as if I need human contact to validate my life. To prove to myself that things actually happened. I need people around me to confirm that I do indeed exist. That things do happen to me. Because without that validation, without that confirmation, my life feels sterile, empty and hollow. I know the damage isolation has caused me. I know the devastation it has wrought on my life only too well. It has careened through everything, smashing its way through my existence with scant abandon, and now my isolation, my punishment, is slowly eating away at my memories. Turning them to dust. Turning them to dream. And I don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to make new friends. I know that would halt the chaos and be a profound turning point in my life. But how? How do I open myself up to other people? How do I trust again after the agony Kathy inflicted on me? After she turned our wonderful, unique friendship into her own manipulative, deceit filled lie?

The last time I opened myself up to someone was Diane, and she pissed it back in my face, flirting her way across Alice Springs, sleeping with random people on Christmas Day, embarking on dates whilst I sat alone in our unit. The time I opened myself up before that was Samantha, and although she didn’t turn it against me, although she loved me in her own unique way, she died, Samantha. She died. And I’ve never got over that betrayal. That loss. I don’t think I ever will. So how – how? – do I make new friends, how do I trust people again, after all the pain, heartache and betrayal I’ve experienced. How do I believe someone wants to be my friend. How do I know they’re not just pretending like Kathy was? Manipulating my emotions into believing I have someone who cares about me when all they want is for me to kill myself, as Kathy herself told me?

I want to make friends.

I want to part of something again.

I’ve just forgotten how.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

Meadhbh tells me I just need to put myself out there. That I need to embark on a series of random adventures that will see me come face to face with new people who will love me for who I am. I want to believe. But I don’t. I don’t see how anyone could like someone as broken, fucked up and worthless as me. Meadhbh tells me I’m not worthless, that I have a point, that I have a meaning, but I just don’t see it. The trauma of the abuse has crippled my ability to see myself as anything other than what Kathy informed me I was; useless, pathetic, selfish and worthless. The most unnecessary and repulsive human being to have ever lived. Meadhbh tells me I need to believe in myself, that no-one will ever love me until I love myself, and deep down I know she’s right. I’ve said the same things in the past. But how do I learn to love myself again when I cannot stand spending time with myself? When my day is a boring, monotonous routine of repetition? I try to shake it up. I try to do things differently. But it all feels wrong. It all feels pointless. I dunno. Maybe I’m just having a bad day. Maybe I’ve just been having one of those weekends where my brain runs away with itself; filling itself with all sorts of confusing, insecure flotsam and jetsam. Maybe spending time with Meadhbh made me miss my old friends so completely, so truly, that I’ve been unable to think of anything but their brilliant smiles, delightful wit and bizarre mentalities.

And now this post has descended into woe-is-me territory my mind is trying to convince me not to post it. People don’t want to read such navel gazing hyperbole, it says, people want to read inspiring motifs of wonderment and awesomeness! And it’s probably right, my mind, but I think it’s important to post this post all the same. It may not get much feedback. It may have no-one read it. But it would stand as testament to my current malaise. As proof that there was a time that I was loved; that I had friends; that I was someone people admired.

Like Audrey on Friday, I have agreed to date Meadhbh on a monthly basis. The third Saturday of every month, from 2pm-4pm, will be our time. We will do what she desires and talk about what she wants to talk about. I will spend time with my imaginary friend because I have no-one in reality to spend time with. For I am, as I will probably always be, a lonely, forgotten soul.

And on that note I will end for today, else I risk this post becoming even more bleak than it already is. Wishing you all a happy, friend-filled day! :)