All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

1. Never tell someone to kill themselves…

SUICIDE IS A TOPIC MOST PEOPLE WISH TO SHY AWAY FROM. HOWEVER, I BELIEVE THAT DISCUSSING IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE THINK ABOUT KILLING THEMSELVES AND THEREFORE PROVIDE US WITH AN UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WE CAN DO TO HELP.

IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL, OR ARE THINKING OF HURTING YOURSELF, GO TO YOUR NEAREST HOSPITAL OR CALL A SUICIDE HELPLINE – IMMEDIATELY. HOP TO IT!

SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE – THIS HELPS!

Part I – Never say: “You Should Just Kill Yourself!”

“You should just kill yourself!”

That’s what she said.

“You should just kill yourself!”

Can anyone tell me what is wrong with this statement?

“You should just kill yourself!”

The structure is pretty good.

“You should just kill yourself!”

It’s meaning is so obvious that you can hardly criticise it for being unclear.

“You should just kill yourself!”

Short. Direct. Honest.

“You should just kill yourself!”

Hopefully you can actually see something wrong with it.

“You should just kill yourself!”

Hopefully you’ve already figured out why I keep repeating it.

“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”

And I bet you’re wishing that I’d just quit with ‘ctrl+v’ and just get on with things…yeah, so do I, but ever since I was told that statement

“You should just kill yourself!”

I have not been able to get it out of my head!
You see the thing that is wrong with the statement, the thing that is so grossly evil about that statement, you should be able to answer yourself with the answer to one – simple – question.

“How, if you said that to someone, would you feel if they actually did it?”

If you can seriously answer “absolutely dandy, to be honest” to that question I would (after awarding you with a sash for your use of the much underused word dandy) shake my head at your complete and utter disregard for humanity.

Quite honestly you never and I mean fucking NEVER say that to ANYONE!

Let alone someone that you KNOW is not only suffering from chronic depression but has, in the past, been so close to suicide that a blink was all that stood between life and death.
I can’t actually believe that I am having to write that. It’s a sad state of affairs that I have to make a point of this, but unfortunately the world has degenerated into such a selfish pit of arrogance that people just don’t ever think about other people any more.

“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”
“You should just kill yourself!”

It’s been nearly six months since those words were said to me, spoken with a direct and impassioned honesty that they were in no way meant as a joke. The only possible way that statement could have been taken was: ‘this person, without hesitation, wants me to slice my wrists open and die a painful bloody death!’

That singular statement has reverberated around my head every single mother fucking day since it was said to me, hindering every effort I have made to overcome my depression. Why bother looking for work? Rebuild my life, meh? Make friends? Engage in conversation? Forge emotional connections? Feel good about myself? Smile? Laugh? Giggle? Chortle?

When I should just kill myself?

Why bother fighting this unending constant 24 hour pain when I could just end it? All I would need would be a knife. Maybe some pills. A rope. Hell, even the belt I use to beat welts into myself would do the trick.

Why should any of us bother with this fucked up life when we should just kill ourselves?

Why not, immediately upon giving birth do mothers not just slash their child’s throat to prevent them from having to endure life?

(And I do apologise for that image, it is in no way what I want to happen.)

But that statement forever bouncing around my head every time I try and do something positive to overcome this depression is singularly the one thing that I have not been able to get over all year.

To repeat: NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER EVER! TELL SOMEONE TO KILL THEMSELVES!

Because not only would you feel agonising guilt for the rest of your life should they do it, but you have absolutely NO idea how close they actually are to doing it.

The simple fact is: it is very difficult to tell whether someone is about to kill themselves.
In the case of the above, eleven days before this statement was said to me I had been lying on my bed staring at the ceiling whilst a cocktail of anti-depressants, benzos and whisky coursed through my veins. In the case of the above, the woman who said this to me with absolutely no hesitation (as if she were ordering her favourite meal), had given a man who had attempted to take his own life less than two weeks before, a reason to do it.

You see it wasn’t “You should just kill yourself!”, there was actual thought behind this statement.

She provided a reason so that I knew exactly why I should be killing myself.

It was because my voice is boring.

Yep, have we all got that?

If you have a (allegedly) boring voice you do not deserve to live.

If you have a (allegedly) boring voice you do not deserve to be alive.

I might have been able to understand her conclusion that I should kill myself if maybe I had
assaulted her children, or tortured her mother, or brutalized her pet Guinea Pig – but for simply having a (allegedly) boring voice?

?

What? We’re all supposed to sound exactly the same? What is this, Nazi Germany? Are we in the middle of some campaign to cleanse the world of (allegedly) boring voices that I am unaware of?
I speak with an accent. It is different. Not boring.

I’m running away with myself, sorry, I have a boring voice, I should just kill myself. I’d actually be very impressed if you’ve gotten this far without clicking the ’email me’ icon to send me your support for the “You should just kill yourself!” campaign.

However,
to recap: NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER EVER! TELL SOMEONE TO KILL THEMSELVES!
No matter how much you despise them, no matter how much you hate them, no matter if you do actually really want to see them lying in a coffin so that you can toast their much-anticipated burial with a glass of bubbly champagne. Do not say this to someone!

Please.

Speaking from experience I know how hard it is to overcome depression. I know how it feels to feel so worthless you just want to die. I am all too aware of how fucking difficult it is to not go through with suicide if you are so close to it.

To convince yourself to live.

That convincing is nigh-on impossible if you are given a reason to go through with it. That reason will forever and always be in your head. It is something which will never be forgotten, and by saying it to someone, you are inflicting on them a lifetime of pain.

“You should just kill yourself!”

Please. Please. Please.

DO NOT say this to anyone.

Even if you don’t mean it. Even if it is merely a joke.

DO NOT say this to a single living soul. Ever. For some people will never be able to forget it.

51 thoughts on “1. Never tell someone to kill themselves…

  1. You should just kill yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • are you kidding me? after reading that you have the audacity to say that? it is in absolutely no way funny, nor will it ever be. and frankly, I should be praying for people that say that. it hurts a lot to hear someone say that to you. how would you feel if someday you said that and the person actually committed? please never say that again. it is in no fucking way okay or funny

      Liked by 2 people

    • Please read the comment I wrote to K.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I’m 13 and my step sister who knows that I struggle with self harm tells me to go kill myself constantly, last time she said it I said okay. My mom makes jokes about suicide when my cousin just killed himself 6 months ago and my mother called him selfish. I just don’t want to deal with anymore, sometimes I just want to give up and end it, 5 years ago I was 8 and couldn’t understand why someone would take their own life or cut themselves but know I understand because that’s exactly how I feel and what really sucks is that I can’t tell my mom when I’m depressed because the last time I cut myself (that she knew about) she threatened to send my to psych unit, she doesn’t understand the concept of relapse.

      Like

      • I’m so the same as you, I’m 14 and have struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts but my parents don’t understand and think it’s just a phase that will go away. A few weeks ago one of my friends sent me a text saying go kill yourself. (He knows I hate people saying that so he did to to annoy me) he told me he was sorry etc and I forgave him but I read the message every day and I can’t get it out of my head

        Like

  2. You should just kill yourself.

    Like

    • are you kidding me? after reading that you have the audacity to say that? it is in absolutely no way funny, nor will it ever be. and frankly, I should be praying for people that say that. it hurts a lot to hear someone say that to you. how would you feel if someday you said that and the person actually committed? please never say that again. it is in no fucking way okay or funny

      Like

    • My dad told me that too. Maybe you’re right. I know this world would be a better place without me in it. My brother committed suicide, and I really miss him. If I kill myself, maybe I’ll get to see him again.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Excuse me. What is your problem?????You pathetic jerk. How dare you say that to anyone. You obviously have no concept of the hurt or consequences of your ignorant comment. Perhaps people may at times be difficult or even rude but all people have rights particullarly the right to live. You need to reevaluate yourself and your unrealistic and harmful attempt at false ‘honesty’. Particullarly when you don’t what the truth really is or feels like. Try walking in the other persons shoes before condemning them to death!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Patrick Kline and K,
    Fuck you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I should just kill myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Please NEVER kill yourself…
    Even if you feel the world is against you and all the people in it
    Even if you’re lost, lonely, grieving, numb, depressed, panicked etc etc etc
    Please never do.
    Although, i would understand if someone did.
    Life is so hard for some
    People can make it harder also…

    I care. I don’t know you, but I CARE.

    Like

  6. Some 22 year old “mature woman” (that’s what she calls herself) told me to kill myself for asking for some personal advice on how to tell my mom one of my deepest secrets. Never tell nobody to kill them self that is so immature.

    Like

  7. My ex told me that

    Like

    • don’t listen to him. at all. you deserve to live just as much as anybody else. you’re probably such a great person. no one should ever say that to someone. I promise you that what he said was wrong. like what was said above^^^^ idk you but I care. please don’t ever kill yourself

      Like

  8. I’ve battled depression my entire life because I suffered abuse for 10 FUCKING years from my own sister and my parents stopped caring about me when I was 6 years old. My sister has told me to kill myself more than once in my life and when she wakes up the next morning and sees me alive and well she gets agressive and punches or slaps me in the face then proceeds to ask me why I didn’t. So I know exactly where your coming from with the dpression statement.

    Like

  9. You should just poke yourself. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. A girl just told me to 😢

    Like

    • Whatever you do, don’t do it. I (obviously) understand how hard it is to be told such a callous, uncaring thing. Just believe in yourself and how wonderful you truly are and, if you can, ignore those horrible words. Be well! :)

      Like

    • People often say what they’re feeling about themselves. It has nothing to do with you. 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  11. My sister also told me that. My parents and boyfriend too. I can’t take it anymore. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the past 11 years. I have had severe depression since early childhood. But no one seems to understand that just because you cannot physically see anything wrong with me, that doesn’t mean it is not a very real struggle. I get comments from loved ones how I just do it for attention or to punish them. That I’m just faking and need to grow up. Comments that I really should just get it over with and they wouldn’t care if I did. I want to get away from it all. At home I was physically, sexually and mentally abused all of my life. I was always forgotten and told they didn’t want me. I wonder if I am even my father’s child because he was so good to my siblings. But I tried to leave that all behind me when I moved out. But it’s the same here too. I have nowhere else.

    Like

    • In my opinion, the best thing anyone, who is in this situation, can do for themselves is remember to realize that the world has a mixture of assholes and greedy pigs, mixed in with the happy-go-lucky and good willed. If you were to actually commit suicide, that would mean that the world has one less good person. We wouldn’t want this world to exist entirely of the bad, right? Just live.

      Like

    • I’m so sorry. That sounds like the situation really sucks. When I was 16 I moved out and moved far away, and although I would never have gone back to the abuse, I thought that leaving would solve the depression problem, but I discovered “wherever you go, there you are.” It’s a tough one, but can be a good way to start learning to take care of ourselves the way we would take care of a friend….make friends with ourselves!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. My mother told me to kill myself…

    Like

  13. There are either 2 types of people who would tell you to kill yourself

    Someone who has no patience and empathy

    Someone who hates you and is totally narcisstic

    I live next door to the latter who spends all day criticising my appearance, to a very horrible degree. What I do as activities, the casual job i have, accuses me of being a prostitute, a bag lady(i recycle my paper and cardboard) and take it down in a large plastic bag to the recycling bin. And has on a few occasions when i’m quiet or an ambulance shoots up the road says “ooh! Maybe she’s commited suicide. I hope so. All this is because her brother has defended me when she says really horrible things. This girl is 21, i’veentioned this because she is very aware of what she is doing, she is not a 12 year old.

    My point is, you must try to get it in to your head that you are a decent person who is worth so much more than the vacuous twat that told you to kill yourself. Their lives are totally empty, void of thought and they surround theirselves in a protective bubble because they do not want people to see what they amount to. To uplift your spirit listen to lark ascending by Vaughn Williams or Paradisium in Faures Requiem.

    Like

  14. NOBODY KILLS ANYBODY!! THIS IS NOT A JOKE!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? WHAT IF THIS MAN ACTUALLY KILLED HIMSELF? WOULD YOU FEEL HAPPY, PROUD, ACCOMPLISHED?

    Like

  15. Someone just told me to kill myself and sent me a video of 3 different ways to do it. It’s not like I’m actualy going to it just REALLY Is not the type of thing you want to hear. I wish they read this. Because your so right.

    Like

  16. I agree with Marthren, Patrick Kline and K need to get off the Internet for the rest of their lives. I suffered from mental illness for more than 10 years and I feel like if someone had ever said this to me at my worst I would have immediately gone home and done what they had asked.
    I’m so so glad that recovery was an option, but even being recovered, it still really stings when someone tells this to me.

    Like

  17. Yes, I have been in the situation where people told me to kill myself online. Fortunately, I was unaffected by these comments. I hope that others can do the same cause suicide is unnecessary and everyone should live and enjoy the good things that this world has to offer.

    Like

  18. I’m sorry you guys got told that I’ve had it said to me by my boyfriend. He asked me why I’m sad and take too many pills. I said because most days I want to die because of the pain I’m in. Not that I wanted to commit suicide. I would never do that to my family not because I’m scared but the thought of them in pain hurts me. Whatever’s going on your lives I send you my love. The worlds a fucked up place and I feel it too. There are good people out there though doing amazing things. Find something to hold onto whenever you feel you’re falling off the edge and know that you are loved <3

    Like

  19. I was subject to sexual, physical and mental abuse which my mother either knew about or joined in with. I had thirty years of not being able to have a family or maintain a relationship because I couldn’t deal with physical intimacy. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after several suicide attempts and my mum told me to kill myself. Despite this, as I got better, she had an operation and I moved in to look after for three months whilst working. Six months later she aske me to fix her fence and I was busy. She told me to kill myself.
    At that point I lost it and told her exactly what a cunt she was and always had been. I mean really lost it, bashed up my cunt brother at the same time.
    It was the most empowering thing I had ever done.
    I guess what I’m saying is, don’t let people have power over you because they are family. I f someones a wanker then they are a wanker, end of

    Like

  20. So did mine, twice (well in response to me crying that I couldn’t stand to feel this way anymore and didn’t know how much more I could take, she screamed in my face to go ahead and do it and leave her alone)…she had depression herself all through my childhood, had talked about suicide herself for years and had attempted herself..she still doesn’t seem to think it’s that big of a deal.

    Like

  21. I was told to kill myself last night and 2 times this morning. Just because of something that happened on kik. That person does not know what the fuck I am goin through. It’s not the first and surely won’t be the last. People are just so ignorant about this shit!!!

    Like

  22. Thanks this helped me alot. Some asshole i work with threw some rope at me and said “go hang yourself” i know he was joking but he constantley picks at me thinking its a joke i see it as bullying. I just cant get the sentence “go hang yourself” out of my head now.

    Like

  23. this boy on my bus he’s also my neighbor tells me to kill myself all the time he says it’s because no one likes me,so I have no reason to be here. His name is Jacob. He’s always a jerk and I would never tell him to kill his self. But maybe he’s right.
    No one likes me.
    Bit would I ever kill my self?!no.
    But it still hurts.
    Is there something wrong with me?

    Like

    • No, there is nothing wrong with you. No one is perfect, but you are a beautiful human being. I wish that I could help you with making friends. It is so hard. However, I know that there is hope for you. People are cruel, but there are people out there who will love you which is even better than being liked. Stay strong!

      Like

  24. Wonderful post! It is full of so much truth. No one ever directly told me that thankfully. However, I struggled with thinking that for my whole life. I hope to turn over a new page now and live with love for myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. What an A.Maz.Ing post!

    You took me from horror, to indignation, rage, being enraged, to compulsive convulsive laughter, all within a few minutes. What a great way to get your point across! Looking forward to reading more of your writings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words! :) It’s heartening to hear of your emotional reaction to my words, as this is one of the primary reasons I write as honestly as I do. Wishing you a fantastic, peace filled day! :)

      Like

  26. My husband has told me this a few times recently 20 minutes ago and I am at the point where I think I should die to spare him from me. I don’t have lot tell you how much it hurts. I am already dying a slow miserable death from loving a man who despises me and blames me for everything under the sun and I mean everything. I’m scared and alone. I can’t talk to anyone because no one understands. I wish I could overcome these feelings and be the strong secure lady I was before I met this man. Thank you for just reassuring me that no matter what is happening saying this to me is and always will be wrong!

    Like

    • I’m sorry you find yourself in such a relationship. I know only too well what it’s like to love someone who despises you and blames you for everything, my abuser, who is the woman who told me to kill myself, was much the same. She made my life a living hell for years; even now, eight years after I severed myself from her, her actions still hold power over my life. So you have all the sympathy in the world for your predicament. It’s hard being told to kill yourself, especially from someone you love, just know that it is never the answer, no matter how difficult things get. It is a horrible thing to say to someone and, as you say, it is and will always be wrong. Stay strong. Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

      Like

  27. Hey man,
    thanks a hell of alot for this article/post, it helped proved to me I’m not the only one who hears that kindof comment and shrugs it off. It feels like so many people take it/use it as they please now adays. A guy was bullying another guy online so I told him to knock it off and he told me to go and kill myself and that I should slice my wrists in front of my family and he sent me numerous guides on ‘how to kill yourself’ (one of which I had already seen the night before a suicide attempt) until I closed my account. That sucked quite alot because even though I wasn’t in the wrong (like you and your voice) the depressing thoughts came back and I felt humiliated asif someone really did want me dead so suicide yet again became a viable option. The worst part was my friends never seem to take these things seriously- they watched it all unfold and they did/said nothing and throughout my depression they avoided addressing the problem or even being sympathetic. The words have been rolling around in my head ever since, just like you (although the situations were different). I don’t know how to address the problem amongst my friends because they said he(the bad guy) intimidated them but they continue to be his friend. I have alot of difficulty to feel motivated and socialising isn’t my thing because constant letdowns take the worth out of that kind of activity. My mother helped me alot with this and it sounds pretty weak but she’s really like a best friend to me yet somehow I still feel a bit alone on this one. Please get back to me with more of your helpful wisdom! Sorry it’s long:)
    Yours truly Valentina

    Like

    • Suicide is never a viable option. Throughout my life, and a myriad of attempts, I’ve learned that there is always something worth living for, even if you can’t see it whilst lost in the moment. The person who told you to kill yourself and sent you the how to guides is someone you certainly don’t want in your life. He sounds like a right a-hole! During my deepest depressions my friends never knew what to do with me. All they wanted was for me to be happy, but they couldn’t deal with spending time around me, which just made my depression worse. Your friends do love you, they just don’t know how to show that love to someone struggling with depression. Perhaps sit down with your best friend and tell them how you’re really feeling. This may help them understand you better, and enable them to meet your needs more effectively. No need to apologise for the long comment, sometimes it’s good to just get things off your chest! Wishing you a wonderful day! :)

      Like

  28. The replies I made to K and Patrick are true, but I am NOT going to kill myself. I just thought it would be nice to f*ck with those a**holes.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. My current boyfriend knows I’m suicidal and prone to cutting. He has been hospitalised for cutting himself, and has these massive scars up his arm, yet I am being childish and “emo”. He has said it to me multiple times, most recently last night. He spent twenty minutes texting me how I deserved to die and should just throw myself into oncoming traffic, because I went to an open mic night with my friend. He tells me to kill myself on an almost weekly basis, but can’t understand why I get so “bitchy” about it. I don’t want to die, but sometimes it seems it would be easier for everyone else if I did. He says he loves me but then tells me I deserve to die, or to get beaten up, or to get followed home and raped. He has even told me that if I cut again he’ll just do it for me so it’s permanent. He always apologises but if I hold on to it he thinks I’m just being petty.

    Like

  30. I just wanted to thank you for writing this. A couple of months ago, two girls who I thought to be my friends told me to kill myself. I fucked up big time last week by keying one of their cars. Her car is fixable; my scars aren’t. I came out as suicidal to my parents because they found out about the car. They wondered why I did it and I told them. It was the hardest thing ever. I’m on the road to recovery. Once again, thank you. It’s nice to know someone feels the same, exact thing I do and that I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. This has happened to me multiple times. My pain is that it is from the person that knows me better then anyone else in the world does… my husband. Granted I am not the easiest person to live with but this truely hurts. The last time he told me that I am a troublemaker because I sought help from a domestic violence situation, and that “he hated me, I should go kill myself. You are a peice of shit.” He said, ” I should leave my poision on the table. That way I dont have to go digging through his stuff.” And yet I am still here… strongly contemplating taking him up on the offer. I have no value left. I have failed my children and those that once supported me. I have nothing left to cling to, and I see no hope or out ahead. My life is already over its just a matter of stopping my heart beat. I am broken and defeated.

    Like

    • You do have value. You didn’t fail me. You can depend on me and there is hope for you. Your life is far from over. Please never stop your heartbeat. You’re not defeated yet, keep fighting.

      Like

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