All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Another day survived (aka The safety net of monotony)

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Another day survived.

That’s what my life boils down to these days. I don’t live. I don’t even exist. I just survive.

My days are about surviving each minute that comes along, doing whatever it takes to not give up, to not give in, to not allow the natural progression of time to swallow me whole and spit me out a mucus covered globule of pointless waste. I wish my days were about more than this. I wish my days had point, had meaning, had relevance, but they don’t, ever. They’re just the same, monotonous continuation of time. I wake up at 9am, I haul myself out of bed, I listen to talk radio whilst surfing the internet, at midday I have a shower, then I walk down the road to the library and supermarket, then I walk home where I indulge in a movie before listening to talk radio whilst surfing the internet, then I cook dinner, watch another movie, retire to bed to read the latest installment of whatever true-crime book I’m reading, then I drift off to a fitful, nightmare laden sleep. Every day the same. Every day exactly as the last. No change in routine. No monumental moment. Nothing to write home about, nothing to write blog posts about, just the same, endless, monotonous routine, over and over, killing me slowly from within.

My life has become so much about routine that no matter what I do I can’t shake it. The routine has become my safety net. The routine has become my squishy, comfy, blankie. Without it I would probably implode, I would probably quiver and cave into an anxiety-laden, panic-stricken mess of pain and torment. In fact, the only times my routine is shaken is when I have a panic attack, and I have come to look forward to them. I have come to bridle with anticipation about having a panic attack, about having the world fall out from beneath my feet, because at least whilst it’s happening, at least while the panic is rocking me to the core, I am doing something different. My routine is being shaken. My safety net is being challenged. And I like it. What is wrong with me when I actually come to look forward to the panic? When I anticipate with baited, salivating breath, the inability to breath, the trembling of the limbs, the racing heart, the sweat glistening on my flesh as it rolls down my terrified face. What is wrong with me when I look forward to that? When a panic attack becomes the highlight of my week.

Today I had another session with my support worker. Fortunately it was not like the last. Fortunately there was no chaos or dissociation this time. Or should that be unfortunately there was no chaos or dissociation this time; after all, it would have broken up my routine had there been. No. Today we just chatted nonchalantly about a myriad of topics; ISIS, the fate of the Australian politician, libraries, the joys of DVD purchasing, anxiety, and the endless, monotonous routine that has become my life. It was suggested that I should do something to break up the routine. To interrupt the monotony with something new, something fresh, something unexpected. But the routine has become my safety net, without it, who knows what would happen, who knows what new level of hell I could descend to if it wasn’t present, if I wasn’t doing the same exact thing, day in and day out. And if I were to interrupt it, what do I interrupt it with? I have no money to go anywhere. I have no money to do anything. And in this small, isolated town in which I live, there is nothing to do without money. Aside from the library, and I go there every day, it’s part of the routine. Part of the safety net.

I want to go to Melbourne. No. I crave to go to Melbourne. I’ve wanted to go for months, for over a year, but being on the disability pension I can’t afford it. Can’t scrape together the $700 I need to spend a week in the capital of Victoria. I don’t want to do much there. Just explore the galleries, gaze at the fishes in the aquarium and wander the alleys and streets of the city that used to be my home. I want to go there to break up the routine. To break up the monotony. To challenge my safety net with something new, yet something safe, all at the same time. But where to get the money from? How to fund the trip when I can’t save anything because I live beneath the poverty line, unable to afford clothing, let alone a trip to the Paris of the South, a trip to my home in Australia. And that’s the other reason I want to go to Melbourne. Maybe it will help with my decision. My ongoing unsureity about whether to remain in Australia or return to the UK. A decision that I need to make sometime this year. A decision that I can’t make whilst my life is just an endless procession of the same activities, the same time-wasting routine, day-in, day-out.

So yeah, another day survived.

That’s what my life boils down to these days. I don’t live. I don’t even exist. I just survive.

And I have no idea what to do to change it. I have no idea how to cease my safety net, and start living again.

Any ideas?

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9 thoughts on “Another day survived (aka The safety net of monotony)

  1. Are you experiencing anhedonia? And how long has the routine etc phase been?

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    • I would say I am most definitely suffering anhedonia at the moment. The routine has been pretty rigid for several months now, with only my stint in hospital in January interrupting it. For some reason I can’t seem to find any enjoyment doing things I used to love doing, whether it be watching movies, reading, writing, photography or bike riding, and I don’t know what to do to change it. It’s somewhat annoying and, to some degree, upsetting. But the routine is the routine and at least it’s keeping me safe, for the time being.

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      • I think my escape from the last bout of anhedonia (which seemed to last forever), was due to patience and some medication tweaks. I agree totally about routine; I thought ‘me too’ all the way, Reading your stuff.

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        • My doctor has been tweaking my meds over the last few weeks in the hope that it will make a difference, but the changes have yet to take any effect on my day-to-day moods. I’m a fairly patient man so will just keep riding this mood out until things change, which I’m sure will happen eventually! :)

          Liked by 1 person

  2. You have great taste in music.

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  3. “I don’t live. I don’t even exist. I just survive.” Yep. I know that feeling.

    Also, I never thought about routine being a safety net… Makes me question my obsessive need for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve only recently begun thinking of routine being a safety net, mostly because my life has become so much about a monotonous routine, it makes sense to me that my mind is trying to protect me from all the bad things in the world. Perhaps there’s something in it. Perhaps not. :)

      Liked by 1 person

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