Friday Finds (April 26)

FRIDAY FINDS showcases the books you ‘found’ and added to your To Be Read (TBR) list. Whether you found them online, or in a bookstore, or in the library — wherever! (they aren’t necessarily books you purchased).

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What books have you added to your TBR list this week?

Teaser Tuesday (April 23)

Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading.

Anyone can play along with Teaser Tuesdays! Just do the following:

• Grab your current read
• Open to a random page
• Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
• Be careful not to include spoilers!
• Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!

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An Apple for the Creature
Edited by Charlaine Harris and Toni L.P. Kelner

Your worst school nightmares—taking that math test you never studied for, finding yourself naked in school assembly, not knowing which door to enter—will pale in comparison to these thirteen original stories that take academic anxiety to whole new realms. You’ll need more than an apple to stave off the creatures in these spooky scholastic tales. Includes short stories from: Ilona Andrews, Amber Benson, Rhys Bowen, Mike Carey, Charlaine Harris, Donald Harstad, Steve Hockensmith, Nancy Holder, Faith Hunter, Toni L.P. Kelner, Marjorie Liu, Jonathan Maberry and Thomas Sniegoski.

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So, what’s everyone else reading at the moment? Go on, give us a tease…

Sunday Stealing: To forgive is an act of compassion

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes.

Today we ripped off a blogger named Avery 11 from the her blog. She states she grabbed it from Nakeisha. But it was probably stolen there as well. So, tracing back the thefts of those that we steal from could take a while. So, of course, that will be as far as we go.

I’ll admit it, I always had a bit of a man-crush on Giles! Especially Wizard Giles! ;)

1. On average, how long does it take you to get ready for work/school/a day or night out?

My social anxiety is a temperamental beast that controls all I think, do and feel, so how long it would take to ready myself would depend entirely on where I was going, what I was going to do and how voracious my beast was feeling at that particular time.

As a general rule, to ready for a social group would take a few hours; for a social group involving a trigger, a few days. For a night out with friends, a couple of days; whilst a night out with strangers would take at least a week of preparation.

Emails can take hours, days or even weeks, depending on the intimacy or content; ditto for website/blog comments.

Basically, I think it’s a fair assumption that my life is not like other people’s! :/

Note: the above refers to mental/emotional preparation; showering/shaving/dressing would take about 16 and a 1/2 minutes!

2. If you could ask your favorite author one question about the book(s) they wrote, what would it be?

Where did you get the inspiration for Jeannie Main? Thirty odd years since I first read that book and she’s still one of the greatest female characters of all time.

3. What do you think is the hardest thing about growing up?

Being bullied/abused. ‘Nuff said! :p

4. Who would you rather switch places with for a day: your favorite celebrity, or your favorite fictional character?

I would switch places with David Tennant whilst he was filming Doctor Who; then I could have the best of both worlds! :p

5. Who would you rather have point out a flaw that you weren’t aware you had: a close personal friend, or a total stranger?

A close personal friend.

Just out of curiosity, what would possess you to point out a flaw to a total stranger? Seriously, manners people!

6. Do you get jealous easily? If so, what sorts of qualities or characteristics in other people are you most likely to be jealous of?

I am jealous of people who are able to talk to other people without fear, vomit or panic attack.

I am also jealous of people who have experienced things I’ve wanted to experience, people with sexy bottoms, people with awesome fight skills and people who can ask for help.

Seriously. How do you ask for help? How?

7. Which version of yourself would you rather have a conversation with: the one from ten years ago, or the one you turn into ten years from now?

Given I would probably give the me from ten years ago a sound thrashing, I would much rather meet the me ten years from now. Although if he’s still battling the same issues I am, I’d probably give him a good hiding too! :p

8. Were you ever bullied in any way as a child? If so, how has it shaped you today?

Ummm…see the answers to (1), (3) and (7).

Basically the bullying/abuse I’ve received through my life has crippled my self-esteem, self-worth and ability to function on a day-to-day basis.

9. What is one fear you would like to overcome in your lifetime?

My social anxiety (which is basically a fear of anything involving social interaction and human contact!)

10. What is one food you haven’t tried yet that you would like to?

Kiwi fruit. It’s always kinda freaked me out.

11. Is it easier to forgive someone for the wrong they’ve done you or to seek forgiveness from someone who you’ve wronged in any way?

“To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It’s not done because people deserve it, it’s done because they need it.” ~Giles

Whenever I think of the word forgiveness, I think of the above quote from the Buffy episode “I Only Have Eyes for You“. Personally, I think it’s a lot harder to forgive yourself for the wrongs you’ve done than it is to seek forgiveness or grant it to others. But to answer the question, I’d opt for the latter.

12. Let’s go random: What did you do for New Year’s Eve for the turn of the millennium?

The ‘ooo, the date changes to the year 2000’ turn of the millennium (which I spent sitting on the wall of a backpacker hostel watching the fireworks with three friends) or the ‘official’ turn of the millennium (which I spent losing my virginity :p)?

13. What else around here have you noticed?

That this question makes no sense, at least it doesn’t to my current slightly cranky/peeved off mood! :/

Hopefully I shall be in a more congenial mood next week! Hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday! :)

Mi Recovery: A picture of me, in a strong fame

“The importance of maintaining a sense of self,”

“Our stories and relationships change when we learn to value our whole self,”

As many who suffer from mental illnesses may attest, mental health problems do not exactly lend themselves to an over-flow of self-esteem. When a person becomes unwell with mental illness, they exert a lot of time and energy finding ways to treat their symptoms and manage their illness. So much so that it’s common for the individual – as well as family, friends and medical professionals – to focus entirely on the illness, forgetting that there is an actual, unique and whole human being beneath it.

This renders the person with a mental illness almost unable to see themselves as someone worthy of love or attention. In fact, in some extreme circumstances (and I speak from personal experience) the focus solely on the illness(es) can lead to someone completely losing their sense of self, their worth as an individual and their necessity as a member of the human race. They can see none of the skills, talents or values they possess as their illness (and/or trauma) causes them to focus solely on the negative aspects of their personality; aspects which are often unfavourably exaggerated out of all proportion.

A good example of this was a post I wrote yesterday in which I questioned whether or not I actually had any positive skills or values. A statement that immediately returned the comment:

You are a very caring person and very aware of other people’s needs. You have very good computer skills, you are a good artist, you are a talented photographer (if you had a camera that is), You have great taste in music with a wide variety of styles, You are also a very skilled writer when your illness allows you to be.

You seem to have got yourself in a rut of running yourself down and not seeing what is good about yourself, I know this is due to your past experiences but somehow you must break through this and see yourself for how good you are, not how useless you are.

This rut is something many who suffer from mental illness fall into, especially those who have had their sense-of-self destroyed by an abusive relationship.

Stephanie, for example, was a talented artist and photographer, someone who could work in a myriad of styles and produce work that was both multi-layered and truly inspiring. Whenever I would tell her this, however I would tell her this, she would instantly disregard my comments as a “complete lie” or that I was just saying that because I “had to” as her friend. The years of abuse she’d suffered (in combination with her mental illness) had made it impossible for her to see what everyone else could.

My thinking follows the same pattern of negative reinforcement that the exercise we undertook in the Mi Recovery group seeks to change.

A picture of me, in a strong frame

“I respect my limitations. I know my strengths. I compare myself with myself,
not with others who have different challenges and attributes to mine,”

The premise behind this exercise is to build a picture of who we are; the things we value, the things we like to do, our strengths and skills, how someone who knows us well would describe our abilities and successes, what aspects of our illness fit into the picture and what knowledge, resources and strategies strengthen this picture.

Once this picture has been formed, we then need to ask ourselves what internal and external resources we need to draw on to maintain this picture. For example, support groups, counselling, asking for help (external) or resilience, determination, insight (internal). This I could do easily…it was the actual strengths that I struggled with.

However – partly because I had to, partly because I needed to – I did (finally) create a portrait of myself:

~ Key ~
BROWN TEXT (HAT) are three things I value in a relationship
RED TEXT (HEAD) are things I value in life
ORANGE TEXT (ARMS) are aspects of my illness I believe fit into the picture of me
PURPLE TEXT (BODY I) are things I am skillful in
BLUE TEXT (BODY II) are some of my strengths
GREEN TEXT (RIGHT LEG) are external resources I need to maintain the picture
PALE GREEN TEXT (LEFT LEG) are internal resources I need to maintain the picture
YELLOW TEXT (GROUND) is something I really (really) need to learn how to do to maintain this picture!
GREY TEXT (ANNOTATIONS) are things I like about my body (I chose to add these due to my body image issues)

Given the negative view I hold of myself it’s safe to say I do not yet believe everything I’ve included in the picture of myself. Some of them are things other people have recognised in me (e.g. Samantha saw my kinkiness as a strength, my family see my compassion as a strength and many people have noted my intense survival instinct and determination) whilst others are things only I believe (Zelda games are a skill? Really?)

But I believe it’s important to include these things in my picture, purely because they are all things I need to start believing rather than dismissing about myself.

It may be a long time before I do believe in this portrait, but for now I shall just celebrate the fact I’ve created one!

Why not make one of your own…you may be surprised by what you come up with! :)

Other articles in the “Mi Recovery” series:

• Mi Recovery: Introduction
• Mi Recovery: The Biopsychosocial Model
• Mi Recovery: Homework 01 – What are your beliefs about mental illness?

 

Reclaiming ownership of your emotional triggers

The word ‘trigger’ has become synonymous with mental health. Almost every day an article is published in the mainstream media that warns people with a history of self-harm, suicidal ideation, depression and/or abuse that the words that follow may be upsetting or provoke unwanted emotional re-actions.

The recent Oscar-winning film Silver Linings Playbook featured a prominent storyline concerning a song which sends Bradley Cooper‘s character spiralling into an emotional episode whilst counsellors the world over work closely with their patients to identify everything from smells, tastes, people, places and objects that can cause similar reactions in their clients.

I myself have written extensively of my triggers (from an A-Z of my primary emotional triggers to the potential reactions such triggers can cause) for I believe it’s important to know what triggers us so we know what we need to face along the long road to recovery.

But how do we turn such potentially damaging triggers into something we can approach safely and securely?

One technique involves reclaiming ownership of our triggers and changing their ending.

Step 01: Say how you feel

The first stage in this approach is to state how you feel upon being triggered. The best option would be to talk face-to-face with a close, trusted and supportive person (e.g. a friend, support worker or partner). With eye-contact, use direct “I” statements to voice exactly how you feel, such as “I feel anxious” or “I am petrified” so that both you and your support can understand exactly how you’re feeling.

If you do not have a support person and are undertaking this process by yourself you can use a mirror to make eye contact, just remember to speak how you are feeling aloud instead of just in your head as it’s important to make sure the emotions are heard.

For example, the song ‘Unexpected Song‘ is a powerful trigger not only for my PTSD and anxiety but also Vanessa (one of my voices). When I am triggered by this song I may say that “I feel guilty” or “this song has made me feel worthless, useless and a pointless waste of space”. Other things I could say may include “I feel like I’m about a throw up” or “This song picks me up and deposits me back in my abusive relationship. I can’t stop thinking about how insignificant I felt during that period”.

Step 02: Validate

The second stage in the process is to validate your emotions. It is perfectly acceptable to feel how you feeling. Feeling scared, isolated, guilty (or whatever emotion the trigger has made you feel) is perfectly normal and human. Allow yourself some compassion, understanding and self-love.

In the above example, I could validate my emotions by allowing myself to believe that the abuse was not my fault and, because I did nothing to deserve it, there is nothing I should feel guilty over. I could also give myself permission to show myself compassion for the abuse I experienced, that although I may think these feelings and that there’s nothing wrong with thinking them, they are untruthful descriptions of who I am.

Step 03: Grounding

The third stage in the process is the grounding stage. This is where you bring yourself back into your body, mind and present from a heightened emotional state. Ways in which you could ground yourself include; focussing on five things you can see/feel/touch/smell (focussing on your primary senses), tapping a tune on a body part that you find comforting (perhaps a song from childhood or happy memory) or partaking in a muscle relaxation exercise (such as progressive muscle relaxation.)

For example, to ground myself after validating my feelings following hearing ‘Unexpected Song’ I could sit someone safe and speak aloud five things I can see (carpet, table, radio, voices workbook and tobacco) following by five things I can hear (neighbours talking, the news on the radio, a jack hammer, someone shouting at his partner, rumbling stomach) followed by five things I can feel (my bottom on the chair, my foot tapping the floor, my back against the chair, sweaty palms, my jeans on my legs) and then return to things I could see, only this time stating four before repeating each step until I have reduced it to only one thing I can see/hear/feel; the idea being focusing only on my senses will remove me from the heightened state, grounding me back in the present.

Step 04: Re-Empower

The final stage in the process is to find a way to re-claim the trigger; to change the ending, so to speak. This stage is going to require commitment, patience and some trial-and-error, as finding a way to successfully re-empower the trigger may take some time. The idea is to take your trigger and do something that changes it’s ending; so that when you encounter the trigger in the future it is this ending you recall instead of the painful memories that were once associated with it.

For example, a possible way I could reclaim ‘Unexpected Song’ would be to inhale helium gas and then sing the song as if I were a chipmunk. The hope being that I would replace the painful associations of the song with that of laughter, fun and merriment.

Obviously, this stage is going to be unique to the individual. It may take several different ideas before you can re-claim the trigger, hence trialing different ideas until you have found something that works. It is also recommended this stage be undertaken in the presence of a support person due to the painful memories it may evoke.

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Due to my isolated nature I’ve yet to implement this technique myself, but hope to deploy it as I head into battle against my most recent trigger. How I shall re-empower that particular trigger I’ve yet to work out but, if successful, I hope to tackle some of my other triggers (such as the example above or my intolerance of a certain boy wizard) using this approach.

Rest assured, should I ever sing random musical numbers after inhaling helium I’ll do my utmost to post an audio! :p

The weak that was and the week that will be

I’m not sure why I’ve decided to write weekly updates about the mind-numbingly boring shenanigans I get up to each week, but decide it I have. Perhaps it’s because I hope it will help process emotions, identify achievements and allow me the opportunity to feel (a little) positive about the work I’ve been doing.

Last week, however screwed up my panic attack/book-fort building/capsaicin incidents were, they did provide me with both an epiphany (I need more happiness in my life) and an opportunity (to tackle a trigger in a way I’ve never had the confidence to do!)

So rather than looking back with my usual self-loathing, perhaps I should start looking back with a little self-love.

After all, last week was dominated with me dealing with things as I always have (avoid, avoid, disassociate, avoid, avoid, isolate, RUNAWAY!) whilst this week has seen me firmly venturing out of my comfort zone by seeking advice from multiple people about my most recent trigger; my support worker, a counsellor…

Was thinking about the trigger and just wanting to reiterate that this looks like a very useful opportunity to strategically deal with a trigger in a new way with (hopefully) immediate positive feedback.  Of course the process will provoke some anxiety but it can be done in a safe, structured and supportive environment.  You can plan preparation time beforehand and wind down time afterwards..  And you can decide if and when it happens at all.

~From an email my counsellor sent me after our appointment

…and my hearing voices support group…

Sensing my anxiety (and not wishing to see me make an ass of my self) Meadhbh began to whisper the words she thought I should say. Genuinely thankful for her help, I began to share my current state of exasperation over how mental health is my whole life (the phrase “mental health shenanigans” drew some laughs) before Meadhbh tricked me into talking about the trigger that is currently dominating my life.

I tried to explain how tired I am of avoidance being my primary coping mechanism and that I will never change if I keep isolating myself from the triggers.

This somewhat personal revelation (quite possibly my first in the group) drew several comments about how awesome this was and what a huge step it would be if I could succeed in facing my trigger. Which, truth be told, made me feel rather warm and fuzzy; a sensation that felt oddly wrong given how rarely I feel anything other than shame, guilt and worthlessness.

~From ‘Hearing Voices Support Group: Week 10’ (on Imaginary Menagerie)

…all being advances I should be proud of given my (usual) complete inability to share anything with anyone!

This week, if I can share a blog post with my Acting Up group and, as I hope to do, formulate a plan of attack for dealing with my trigger and successfully attend a new group that begins this week (A.C.T for Anxiety) perhaps I will finally allow myself to see my current actions (and life) with the pride (and happiness) other people allegedly see.

Chances are I won’t…damn you, pesky self-loathing…but it’s a start! :)

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Six things I’ve learned this week:

• Realisation #1: My entire life revolves around mental health. My support groups, social groups, blogging, thinking, reading and writing are all mental health focussed. Even the TV show I’ve watched most this week (Frasier) is about psychiatry and 99% of the articles I’ve read on blogs and websites have been about MH issues. This needs to change…and pronto…as it is an incredibly unhealthy way to live.
• I was the only person in my Mi Recovery group that couldn’t come up with any positive skills or attributes about myself.  Do I even have any?
• A walrus’ gestation period is 15-16 months.
• Danny Wallace has written a novel! :D (Damn you abject poverty for preventing me from purchasing it!)
• My methods of distraction are not too dissimilar to other peoples.
• (Re)Realisation #2: I’m braver than I believe, stronger than I seem and smarter than I think. Cheers, Pooh bear! :)

Six things I wanted to do last week: (crossed off items are things I actually did!)

• To give myself permission to do something I enjoy and enjoy it! (i.e. to not allow my negative self-talk and fear of being perceived as lazy prevent me from doing it!)
• Share my trigger with my support worker, regardless of my insecurity over how insane, pathetic and weird this will make me look.
• Stop scaring people away from my blog with talk about voices, pain and badly written blog posts. It’s starting to look like a ghost town around here! :/
• Complete my Mi Recovery homework assignments; what are my beliefs about mental illness and how did I learn those beliefs?
• Catch-up on my favourite blogs as I’ve been incredibly slack of late, sorry! :)
• Brainstorm ideas of what I could do to bring some happiness, joy and relaxation back into my life.

Six things I want to do next week:

Being the two incomplete tasks from last week, and…

• Develop a plan with my support worker on how to manage dealing with my trigger.
• Find a way to pull myself back into my body and tackle my depersonalisation that doesn’t involve self-harm.
• Write a fictional short story (of any length, genre or style)
• Read Unsent Letter #7: A letter to my thirteen year old self during the Acting Up group on Monday.

Hope everyone has had a fantastic week and gearing up a magnificent weekend! :)