On this first day of the Ten Times to Be Happy challenge, it’s all about music, and ten songs that make me happy. Enjoy!
~1~
Applejack | The Triangles This song used to be played extensively on 3RRR, the radio station my girlfriend used to listen to whilst doing her morning yoga routine. Whenever it came on, a smile crept across my face as it was a beautifully catchy tune that had me grinning from ear to ear. A perfect way to wake up.
~2~
There She Goes My Beautiful World | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds Beloved by each of my voices, this song is a masterwork of happy inducing chemicals.
~3~
Holding Out For a Hero | Bonnie Tyler One of my favourite songs of all time. I used to listen to it frequently whilst writing my novel ‘The Ghosts That Haunt Me’ and have an entire scene planned out to it for the movie version of said fictional work. A gloriously upbeat, happy making tune!
~4~
Diva’s Lament | from Spamalot Never fails to make me laugh. One of my favorite musical numbers of all time.
~5~
Many of Horror | Biffy Clyro This song reminds me of my friend Samantha, who passed away in December 2008.
~6~
Oops I Did It Again | Britney Spears My official “Canada Adventure” anthem. I have danced on a podium to this song. I have performed a striptease to this song!
~7~
Hearts of Olden Glory | Runrig My favourite song from my favourite musical group, and one that will forever remind me of Scotland; that beautiful, rugged land.
~8~
Weak in the Knees | Serena Ryder My favourite song of all time. Enough said.
~9~
F**kin’ Perfect | P!nk Everything about this song is perfect. It’s beat. It’s melody. It’s message. A fantastic piece of music.
and
~10~
The Doctor Who Theme | Ron Grainer The greatest instrumental piece of music of all time. It always heralds fun, adventure and happiness.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I was assaulted and raped in the South Australian city of Adelaide. So it stands to reason that I’m not exactly Mr. Happy Bear at the moment. So when I saw this blog challenge on Dearest Someone this morning I thought the fates had aligned, for it is exactly what I need at the moment. An opportunity to banish the nightmares, to banish the flashbacks, and focus on all that makes me happy. So over the next ten days I’m choosing to celebrate all that makes me happy. Why not join me on the journey! :)
The Master List
Day One: Ten Songs that make you happy
Day Two: Ten Places that make you feel positive, inspired and happy
Day Three: Ten Positive Memories that you never want to let go of
Day Four: Ten Influential People or role models (people you don’t know!!)
Day Five: Ten Books/Movies/Creative works that have ‘changed your life’
Day Six: Ten destinations that you would loveto visit
Day Seven: Ten of your favourite historical moments
Day Eight: Ten of your favourite foods (and why!)
Day Nine: Ten of your favourite photos!
Day Ten: Ten ways to get yourself out of a rut. (To cheer yourself up!)
It’s Sunday. So once again it’s time for Sunday Stealing.
This week’s meme has been happily swiped from My Random Randomness. Enjoy! :)
(1) Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning…
1. What’s overdue for a good cleaning?
Depression is my friend. We are intimately connected and have been since I was thirteen years old. Depression stops me from doing many things; for example, socializing, laughing, smiling, feeling contented, enjoying strawberry jam on toast and cleaning. Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning. When the shadow of darkness clouds my soul, the last thing I want to do is clean. Thus, my kitchen, nay, my entire house, needs a damn good clean.
2. What’s overdue for some kind of professional examination, service, maintenance, or upkeep?
Me. It’s been a while since I last had a professional examination or general maintenance. I could do with a long soak in a hot bath, followed by a deep tissue massage, followed by all manner of things to make my skin glow and my soul sing. But alas, I doubt it will happen in the near future. :(
3. Who’s overdue for a phone call or letter to you?
Given my mental health, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. I have few friends to speak of and even fewer that I keep in regular contact with. Perhaps some of my Canadian friends, whom I met whilst traveling that fair, wide land, would appreciate a letter to update them on my actions since we last spoke. But I fear that letter would never be sent, for I have no idea where they now live, so would have nowhere to send it.
(4) Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert…
4. What’s overdue for an appearance in your neighborhood?
Anything. My neighborhood is a miserable, boring, melancholy place. Nothing of note ever happens in this town. So it would be wonderful if something was to happen. Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert, or a visit from the Sword-fighting Appreciation Society of Australia, would liven up my neck of the woods. We can but dream.
5. Who’s overdue for a good comeuppance?
Tony Abbott, the Australian Prime Minister, and general buffoon.
6. What’s a gross food you like anyway?
I was thinking last night, as I casually dined on spaghetti on toast, that this foodstuff is kinda weird. It’s very slimy, very wormy, and not very delectable on the texture scale. But all the same, I enjoyed slipping it down my throat.
7. Who’s an unlikable person you like anyway?
I can’t think of a single person whom I like that I would consider unlikable. unlikable people, like Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Paris Hilton, are people I have little to no time for. In fact, I only have time for decent, wonderful people, like David Tennant, Vanessa Hudgens or Karen Gillan.
8. What’s an unpleasant task you enjoy performing anyway?
Vacuuming. I love vacuuming and don’t understand why people dislike this household chore with as much passion as they do.
9. What’s a dumb song you enjoy anyway?
10. What’s a lousy restaurant you frequent anyway?
There are no restaurants I frequent on a regular basis. In fact, it’s been over eighteen months since I last dined out. Due to my mental health I live on a disability pension, and unfortunately, paying someone else to cook for me is just not within my budget!
11. What’s your favourite Sci-fi film/program etc?
Film: (one of the few films I would rate as a masterpiece of cinema!)
Television program: (as if you couldn’t guess, given yesterday’s post!)
12. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading?
I have not. The closest I’ve come was getting my fortune told in the middle of Rundle Mall when I was manic in Adelaide. She told me in six weeks things would change, and six weeks later, my mania ceased. So maybe there’s something to all this psychic mumbo-jumbo.
13. Have you ever used the phrase “back in my time” to someone younger than you?
No. Like I said, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. And that includes people who are younger than me!
14. Have you ever done something really unbelievable, only to have no one around to see it?
I fell off the treadmill whilst at the gym the other day. That was pretty unbelievable. But given the tittering of laughter and applause that rippled round the gym, people did in fact see that wondrous moment. I guess the closest I can think of to achieving something unbelievable that no-one witnessed was writing my novel, which was lost when my backpack was stolen during my homeless experience. Thus, it is the great unread novel.
15. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building names after you?
I would much rather have a building named after me. Perhaps an art gallery, museum or library. People have told me I’m not a very attractive fellow (and by people, I mean the sociopathic narcissist who abused me for several months) so I don’t think I would be all that pretty a statue. It might scare the kiddies. And that wouldn’t be a good thing!
~ calm ~
[adjective]
(of a person, action, or manner)
not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions.
Courtesy of PTSD and social anxiety, I live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance. Every minute of the day my mind is constantly on edge, constantly observing, constantly ensuring there are no dangers nearby. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. It is my life. Over the years I have become used to living like this. It is just what I have to do to survive. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss living a ‘normal’, non-vigilant life. I miss feeling relaxed. I miss feeling calm. I miss feeling anything other than the constant stress that I feel. So to ask me where I feel most calm is a misnomer, because I never feel calm, ever, under any circumstances. I can’t. The moment I do feel calm is the moment some demon will walk up behind me, tap me on the shoulder and shriek ‘BOO’ at the top of her voice. In order to survive I can’t allow myself to feel calm. I must be vigilant. I must be aware. It is what I have to do.
In the past, I have tried to stop self harming many times. The first concerted effort was in late 1999, seven or so years after I had first self harmed. Tired of what I was doing, tired of my life, tired of the darkness that overwhelmed me, I embarked on a quest to see as much of Scotland as I could. The plan was to distract myself with the beauty of this majestic country. For a few weeks it worked, but after settling into a backpacker hostel and looking for work to fill the coffers, the urges of the past resurfaced. Rather than cut to self harm, I made the ill-fated decision to start smoking, thus replacing one self harm act with another. But I didn’t cut. I didn’t hit. I didn’t burn. For nearly twelve long months – taking in three months in Canada – I didn’t injure myself in any way, shape or form.
Then I started college. Then Rachel killed herself. Then my depression returned with a vengeance. I started self-harming again in October 2000 and kept up a sustained routine of self harming behaviour for three long, painful months. But that New Year I met Louise, and soon after, fell in love. This simple act of human emotion was enough for me to reapply myself to becoming self harm free, and although difficult, with Louise’s help I succeeded in my attempt. For four long years I remained self harm free, in fact, for the duration of our relationship I only self harmed on three occasions. Once in 2004 and twice in 2006, not long before our relationship ended, which triggered a return to self harming.
By late 2006 I was self harming on an almost daily basis. My friends had no idea. My girlfriend, Kathy, had no idea. But it no longer held the appeal it once did. I wasn’t receiving the same release. When I self harmed it wasn’t easing my emotional distress, it was increasing it, so I made the conscious effort to once again rid myself of this practice. It was hard, and painful, to go cold turkey, but by the time of my birthday I was self harm free and remained self harm free for several months, until a mental breakdown struck my soul and rendered any chance of remaining self harm free impossible.
Throughout 2007 I self harmed frequently. Sometimes several times a day. I hit. I cut. I burnt myself. I did anything and everything I could to relinquish the emotional pain I had found myself in. It wasn’t until the latter months of that year, when Samantha rekindled our friendship on Facebook, when I was beginning my blogging journey, that I was ‘stable’ enough to once again return to a self harm free way of life.
This effort was short-lived. By mid 2008 I was self harming on a semi-regular basis, seeking emotional release through cutting and hitting. It was something that I hated doing, but it was something that I had worked into my routine, the only way I could live was to self harm. Throughout the year I self harmed in spite of hypomanic episodes, periods of anhedonia and a blossoming relationship. I continued self harming throughout the early months of 2009, and when homelessness hit, I knew my chances of remaining self harm free were next to none. For three long years I self harmed frequently. Occasionally I drew on myself in an effort to minimize the cutting, but I always returned to this blissful release to ease the trauma I was living through.
When my homeless ended in 2012, I made another attempt to quit my self harming behaviour. For a while it worked. But the stress of living way below the poverty line took its toll and I returned to self harming in order to cope with my meager life. 2013 rolled into 2014 and self harm had once again become the norm. In fact, by the middle of 2014, my self harm was worse than during my homeless years. It was a daily routine. A highlight of my day. But then, as I had attempted several times in the past, I decided I needed to quit this behaviour.
My dalliance with physical illness helped. The pancreatitis and resultant cyst caused me so much physical pain that I didn’t need to inflict any more upon my person. But what helped more was my fervent desire to succeed. I was more determined than ever to remain self harm free. I restocked my self harm safety box. I armed myself with a myriad of coping mechanisms. Whenever the urge arose to self harm I would turn to my box and play with the contents until the urge had passed. I still do to this day. Over eight months self harm free and I remain as determined as ever to never self harm again.
I’m not really doing anything different. The safety box is a new coping skill that I haven’t used in the past, but the rest, the distraction, the determination, the self belief, the smoking, are all things that I have tried during every period I had tried to give up my addiction in the past. Perhaps not having any new mechanisms will mean that I will once again fail to remain self harm free. But I’ve never had this much determination, this much self belief that I can succeed, so hopefully these emotions will guide me to success.
All that I am, all that I ever was... 