All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


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Twelve inspirational Doctor Who quotes…

Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
What is your favorite inspirational quote?

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~ Twelve inspirational Doctor Who Quotes ~

Rather than one inspirational quote, I’ve decided to share twelve from my most inspiring hero – The Doctor. Why? Because I can!

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Days 27 & 28: Take the good with the bad

Because I’ve been a little behind with the 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge, I have decided not to think about the answers to days 27 and 28 all that much. Instead, I’ve decided to freewrite my answers in one combined post.

The prompts ask: explain a good day and explain a bad day, so I shall begin with the bad…

Bad Day

Bad day

The first thought that comes to mind when thinking about a ‘bad day’ is a complicated one. A bad day for me is a mess of complex emotions, crippling pain and (more often than not) tears.

I’ve become all too familiar with these days over the last five years. Hours upon days upon weeks of my life lost to the torment of negative emotion, obsessive self-hate and punishing self-harm.

On a bad day I struggle to get out of bed. Words lose their meaning and appear in random patterns on the page. I can’t think or speak. I can’t dream or believe. I become lost to the demon that lurks within me and obey her every whim, desire and torturous demand.

On a bad day I become someone I don’t recognise. My soul is stripped of the passions and pleasures that usually resonate from within. I lose interest in everything that normally brings me joy and spend my hours staring into space, wondering about the sweet release of death.

On a bad day I’m not Addy. I’m no-one. Just a shapeless object taking up space.

Yes. A bad day is a day that sees me disappear.

Good Day

Good day

The first thought that comes to mind when thinking about a ‘good day’ is a simple one. A good day for me is a day that sees me smile, even if it is just one momentary smirk of the lips.

Smiling is something I know I don’t do enough of. It’s not that I don’t like smiling; it’s just that after the half decade I’ve had there is very little left to smile about.

People tell me I should just “fake it ‘til I make it”, but in my opinion faking a smile is tantamount to faking an orgasm. Why pretend to feel something that you’re not? It just lessens the pleasure of when it happens naturally.

So when it does happen naturally, it’s something I became acutely aware of. I know why I’m smiling; it reverberates through my body from the tips of my hair to the nails of my toes, I celebrate it, relish it, bathe in it. I cherish every moment of those smiles and whatever has prompted my lips to curl and soul to sing in the first place.

Yes. A good day is a day that sees me smile.

 


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Thirteen inspirational quotes about writing

All over the world people will spend today screaming into pillows, downing shots of whisky, consuming vast quantaties of chocolate and misplacing apostrophes left, right and centre. For today marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo 2012, when everyone and their dog attempts to write a novel in just one month.

So for those struggling to get going (myself included!) here are thirteen inspirational quotes about writing from people who know far about the profession than you or I.

“You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we’re doing it”
~ Neil Gaiman ~

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
~ Anaïs Nin ~

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”
~ Kurt Vonnegut ~

“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.”
~ Anton Chekhov ~

“Being a writer is a very peculiar sort of a job: it’s always you versus a blank sheet of paper (or a blank screen) and quite often the blank piece of paper wins.”
~ Neil Gaiman ~

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”
~ William Wordsworth ~

“To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it’s about, but the music words make.”
~ Truman Capote ~

“Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very;” otherwise you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”
~ C.S. Lewis ~

“Read, read, read. Read everything-trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it. Just like a carpenter who works as an apprentice and studies the most. Read! You’ll absorb it. Then write. If it is good, you’ll find out. If it’s not, throw it out the window.”
~ William Faulkner ~

“There is something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they’ll take you.”
~ Beatrix Potter ~

To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself.
~Anne Rice ~

“But this I know; the writer who possesses the creative gift owns something of which he is not always master–something that at times strangely wills and works for itself. He may lay down rules and devise principles, and to rules and principles it will perhaps for years lie in subjection; and then, haply without any warning of revolt, there comes a time when it will no longer consent.”
~ Charlotte Brontë ~

“The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible”
~ Vladimir Nabokov ~

You can follow my NaNoWriMo adventure by reading Little Bit of Red. Even though I’ve yet to write a single word (yay, procrastination!) I am determined to get the first part up by midnight tonight!


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Ten inspirational self-esteem quotes

It’s time you had a time out

Contemporary life can, at times, be somewhat stressful.

We fill our lives with Twitter, Facebook, the need for twenty-four hour a day contact and blogging. There’s traffic congestion, inbox congestion, nasal congestion and artery congestion. The eternal quest to eradicate wrinkles, lines, body hair and blemishes. Does my bum look big in this? Does my cleavage look too small in this? Does my toe look like it has a fungal infection in this? There’s the endless balance between work, home, family, friends and random strangers. Electricity, food, medication, gas, water, rates, taxes…those bloody taxes! Every day of our lives is an endless stream of stress and tension, relieved only when we chance upon some time for sex, cuddles, massages and cunnilingus. But only if we’re lucky enough to have them.

And then there’s physical health, and mental health, and emotional health, and at some point we need to stop.

Breath.

And take a time out.

This week has been such a week for me. I’ve tried to balance the mood swings, the loneliness, the insomnia and anxiety as best I can, all whilst undertaking exercises to increase positive thought and work toward better self-esteem. I’ve sought support (no change yet), completed dozens of forms, argued with Centrelink and found little joy in the long, cold nights.

There have been triggers galore trying to sabotage me, rivers of tears trying to humiliate me and flashbacks aplenty to some of the most traumatic, painful moments of my life. There has been servings of victim guilt, survivor guilt and man guilt mixed liberally with grief, sadness, worry and a pinch of depression with a heavy dollop of isolation.

So today, I am leading by example, and choosing to stop. Because if I don’t, my mental health will collapse and my self-esteem with it.

Although I cannot advise you on how and when you should stop – as you know your life and mind better than I – please take some time to work this out for yourself. I cannot say it strongly enough, but one of the key things with building self-esteem is knowing yourself. Of being aware of your triggers, of your moods and the balance with everything that makes up your life.

When you have the courage to pause and admit you need some time to relax away, to remove the stress and focus on joy, you’re well on your way to better self-esteem.

So for today there are no exercises, no lists, no technical worksheets requiring work and thought. There is only me, telling you to go and do something nice. Run yourself a bath, cuddle with your loved one, eat some ice-cream, go for a walk, pet your dog, phone a friend.

It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it puts a beautiful, calming smile on your beautiful, worthy face.

Inspirational self-esteem quotes