All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Embracing my inner penguin on the day everything changed!


Yesterday, I embraced my inner dancing penguin in the middle of an internet cafe.


Well, a few days ago I asked my parents if I could borrow $20 for my social gathering yesterday evening. Granted, this makes me sound like a teenager, but given I rarely asked to borrow money to go out with friends at that age (the perils of not really having any) I guess I was making up for lost time.

Anyway, they transferred some money into my bank account and yesterday afternoon I went to collect it in anticipation of my evening and, upon seeing my balance was $200 had a small heart attack. Knowing my parents couldn’t possibly afford to send so much over I initially thought it was either:

a) A cock-up with the international transfer.

b) A cock-up with my Centrelink payment.


c) A cock-up with the bank.

Having heard of numerous incidents where the bank randomly transferred money into someone’s account, wait for them to use it and then whack them with a thievery charge, I immediately entered the bank to enquire why my account had so much money in it.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: There’s $200 in my account.
Her: Congratulations.
Me: You don’t understand, there’s $200 more than there should be in my account. I have no money so why do I have $200?
Her: (looking at me oddly) Let me check that for you.
Me: Thank you.
Her: [tap tap tapping on the keyboard] Ok. You received an international transfer of $30 and the rest is a payment from Centrelink.
Me: But I get paid on a Saturday.
Her: It says here that the transfer is for your Pension Payment.
Me: Pension payment?
Her: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Pension payment?
Her: Yes, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Me: Pension payment? No, no. Sorry. Thank you kindly.

And I walked away muttering pension payment? until I reached the internet cafe, logged onto Centrelink, and realised they had granted my disability pension without actually informing me in advance that they’d approved my disability pension or be paying me back pay yesterday.

Sneaky bastards!

So, to add balance to the exceedingly depressing bullet pointing my day post I wrote a couple of weeks ago and because I am fecking exhausted and don’t have the power to form beautifully written paragraphs of text, here is me bullet pointing the events since embracing my inner penguin and doing a happy dance upon realising my disability pension has been approved.

  • I walked from the internet cafe to the hairdressers and sat outside smoking a cigarette.
  • I walked around the block four or five times before plucking up the courage to walk into the salon.
  • Upon seeing the divine beauty of the woman with the scissors I immediately faked a telephone call and left.
  • I then walked around the block ten more times before walking back into the hairdressing salon.
  • Upon having an empty store the woman grabbed me before I had the chance to fake another call and dragged me into the chair.
  • She then promptly fainted upon learning I hadn’t had a haircut in over two and a half years.
  • After reviving her with smelling salts (that I keep in case of emergency) I braved the chair for twenty minutes.
  • Her accent was a mix of Spanish and Australian. An odd, yet utterly beguiling combination that made the experience rather pleasurable.
  • With my hair looking magnificent I left with a renewed spring in my step, fully aware that this particular hairdresser is the incentive I need to get regular (at least once a fortnight) haircuts.
  • I then went to the shops and purchased: a not quite brand spanking new pair of jeans (yay, no more hole the size of a fist in my crotch!), some brand spanking new underwear (yay, for my sexy ass looking even sexier!), a 50% off yet still brand spanking new pair of shoes (yay, no more fixing with superglue and cardboard!) and a brand spanking new razor (yay, no more disposables tearing my face to shreds!)
  • Following this rather altruistic shopping spree I perused the op shops, had a shot of whisky in the pub (in preparation for the evening ahead) and then returned home.
  • Anxiety attack #1 was followed with me showering, shaving, making myself look and smell utterly edible and then commencing the 6km walk to where I was due to meet for the social gathering.
  • Anxiety attack #2 was followed by my phoning my parents to give them the first piece of good news in a long, long time.
  • Anxiety attack $3 was followed by me narrowly avoiding (with a rather stupendous forward roll) a swooping magpie.
  • Anxiety attack #4 was followed by me sitting on a bench near the river smoking three cigarettes as I realised in a few minutes I would be walking into a pub for my first social gathering in nearly four years.
  • Or I could just walk home.
  • After scolding myself for even thinking such a thought I took a deep breath and entered the pub…
  • …[which I will tell you all about tomorrow when I’m in a far more capable of writing mood]…
  • …[suffice to say I didn’t die, pass out, have the building implode on me or be tortured by sadists]…
  • …in fact by the time I returned home I was in a rather good little mood and promptly fell asleep dreaming of Spanish/Australian hairdresser woman and how frigging awesome and courageous I am!
  • I woke up at 5am after a PTSD nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.
  • After waking I headed out and logged online to make sure no-one was worrying about me too much.
  • I re-posted the Thursday Thirteen post I’d written (that, for some reason or another failed to schedule properly) before reading a few comments from yesterday that urged me, should I receive back pay, to treat myself.
  • Given my happy dance of the day before the staff didn’t seem too fussed with me saying “Very well, good sir, I shall!” in a verbal response to the comment.
  • Cue “Addy’s Fuck Yeah I’m On the Disability Pension and Goddamn Treating Myself After Five Years of Fucked Up Pain Shopping Trip!” (or the unpronounceable AFYIOTDPAGTMAFYOFUPSS for short)
  • Purchase #1: Two not quite brand spanking new pillows for $4 (!)
  • Purchase #2: A BSN doona for $10 (my first doona since early 2009)
  • Purchase #3: A NQBSN doona cover and pillow case set (red with purple elephants!)
  • Purchase #4: A DNBSN glass bottle for .80c (so I can keep tap water cool)
  • Purchase #5: A DNBSN mug for .20c (bit chipped, but a cool red/purple pattern)
  • Purchase #6: Two NQBSN shirts and two NQBSN T-shirts (red, red, ochre and brown)
  • Purchase #7: A foot long roast chicken sub on Italian herbs and cheese bread with lettuce, cucumber, pineapple, carrot, capsicum, salt and pepper, bbq sauce and a white chocolate and macadamia nut cookie as a treat. (Delicious!)
  • Purchase #8: A brand spanking new copy of Dollhouse Season 1, which has only just been released in Australia. (yes, I live in poverty, but if you have a problem with me buying a new DVD I refer you to what this shopping spree is in aid of!)
  • Purchase #9: Shampoo, shower gel, shaving foam, toothpaste, mouthwash and a brand spanking new toothbrush! (just, yay!)
  • Then I came home.
  • And chastised myself for being so frivolous and purchasing so many un-necessary items.
  • Then chastised myself for chastising myself because, Dollhouse aside, I needed every single thing I purchased!
  • So now, after the week I’ve had (three social events, DSP approval, multiple anxiety attacks and more emotions than you could shake a stick insect at) I’m exhausted, spent, out-of-it, confused, sleepy, anxious – yet strangely, unfamiliarly, relaxed.

Apologies for being absent from the ‘net over the last few days. I shall be blog reading, commenting, comment replying, writing, tweeting and lots of other random things tomorrow (once I’ve slept and taken in all that has happened!)

Until then, hope you are all well and doing lots of wonderful fun things :)

16 thoughts on “Embracing my inner penguin on the day everything changed!

  1. Oh I am so happy for you!!! I enjoyed reading about everything you purshased! No need to chastise yourself at all. You deserved that sweety! I know in the USA, when you get your pension. a small check comes first and then a wopping big check comes a couple of weeks later!!!! Congrats! I am truly happy for you ;-)


    • Thanks. Think they do things a little differently here. From what I’ve been able to work out, over the next two weeks I’ll be getting a little extra in each payment before things settle into a weekly amount that’s about $100 more per week than I’ve been receiving for the last couple of years. Not complaining, it will makes things much easier :)


      • yes it is different. Here we get paid once a month. Opon getting your disability here, they go back and pay you from the time you put in for it, or it might be fomr the time you lost your last job, not surenow it has been so long.


        • The money I got the other day was backpay from when I put in application, not as much as I was hoping for but it came through sooner than I expected so I’m certainly not going to complain :)

          Normally payments are fortnightly here, but they organised weekly payments for me (at my request) as it reduces the chance of me blowing all the money in one day (courtesy of bipolar) and leaving myself broke for a fortnight.


  2. Oh Addy!!! Congratulations and how awesome!


  3. So apparently in all my clicking around on my phone in the dark in the wee hours of Monday morning, i managed to unfollow your blog, therefore making it so i no longer receive emails about your new posts and therefore making me worry a lot more than i needed to.

    At least now we both know i worry about you!

    i am so glad that good things are happening for you this week. i do like your ideas on how to treat yourself!


    • Sorry to make you worry, even though it wasn’t really my fault you were randomly clicking links in the early hours of the morning. Having someone worry about me is something I’m really not used to anymore, so it’s rather nice that someone does :)

      This week has been a bit full on, still trying to process everything that’s been happening, but so great to have some good news for a change :)

      PS…I haven’t forgotten your email. I was pondering some ideas as I walked around yesterday and will put them in an email once I’ve done my boring errands for the day.


      • Oh, no worries. i’ve been trying to come up with something for a year, so i’m in no hurry. Haven’t decided if i’m going to attempt NaNoWriMo again this year or not after the dismal failure last year.

        And yes, i’m a bit of a worrier but i wouldn’t worry about it ;)


        • Only found out about the existence of NaNoWriMo a few days ago. I read a couple of articles from the literary elite scorning the idea but I kinda like it. I have a feeling I would fail spectacuarly at it though, so will have to think long and hard if I’m gonna give it a go.


          • Well, last year I had what I thought would be the ideal writing conditions: a few days off at the very beginning of the month, which I spent at He who must not be named’s house and He worked during the day so I was alone. I think I was just too happy to write – and I couldn’t get started because of the gaping plot hole of which you are already aware. This year I’m not going down until the very end of November, when really I would be supposed to be wrapping it up. So I don’t know.

            There’s also another one in spring to write a film script which also might interest you.


    • oh dear god so then i accidentally subscribed to everything and it’s all but notifying me that you sneezed….ack! (bless you)


  4. Well done Addy. I’m really happy for you that your DSP was approved. I hope you can find some stability now and enjoy yourself a bit more. This is really good news!


  5. Yay & Congrats to you! Ever since I’ve stumbled on to your blog, I was disturbed & couldnt stop thinking about your life.But good to hear this piece of good news. Shopping is such a stress buster! You should have posted some pics too of the things you shopped, would’ve made it more interesting & fun.


    • I would have loved to be able to post photos of my purchases, but alas, I currently don’t have a camera of any description. I’m working on it though – and as soon as I do there will be photos aplenty bombarding the blog :)


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