Blog for Mental Health 2015

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

It is that time of year again. Or rather, it was that time of year again three months ago, but my ongoing physical health dramas have prevented me from keeping a timely eye on the blogosphere this year. Still, it’s better to be late than never, so the time has come to voice my pledge to blog for mental health in 2015.

My reason for signing the pledge each year is simple. Mental illness has played a major part in my life for as long as I can remember. My sister, parents and I have all suffered at the hands of mental illness. So much so that we could probably write some form of collaborative book exploring the best way to cope (and live) with mental illness. Whether it be anorexia nervosa, depression, agoraphobia, self-harm, bipolar, PTSD, hearing voices, social anxiety, personality disorders, OCD, my family has been there, lived it and bought the T-Shirt to proudly proclaim our experiences.

Although I began suffering from mental ill-health when I was thirteen, I didn’t become vocal about it until I was twenty-seven, when I shared my depression with close friends. Shortly after (following a catastrophic collapse of my mental functioning courtesy of a breakdown) I began writing this blog, with the sole purpose of sharing my life (warts, kinks and all) in the hope it would help convince people that those who live with mental illness are far more than their illnesses; they are wonderful, beautiful, extraordinary individuals who should never be labelled or stigmatised.

Eight years later, my blog is still going. It’s a little worse for wear, for sure, but then so am I. But no matter how hard life is, no matter how bad my inner turmoil, pain and confusion, I will continue writing this blog when I can. For I still believe in that mission statement I created all those years ago.

People are far more than their illnesses; they are wonderful, beautiful, extraordinary individuals who should never be labelled or stigmatised.

They should be free to live the life they deserve.

Should you wish to find out more about this magnificent (and totally worthwhile) endeavour,
you can discover all you need to know by visiting the Blog for Mental Health website.

How to cope with PTSD flashbacks?

I feel it pertinent to point out that this isn’t a ‘how to’ post. You may feel slightly jipped to discover this, especially since the first two words of the post title are “how” and “to”, but I did place a wee question mark at the end of the title, meaning I need your help. And with your help, perhaps we can write the ‘how to’ post that you were probably expecting.

My PTSD is a complicated beast. It doesn’t just come from one traumatic incident, but several, the memories of which have combined to form an almost impenetrable wall of trauma that I have no idea how to deal with. Firstly (and foremost) there is the emotional abuse that I was the victim of. Without question this causes the most damaging of my PTSD symptoms. Secondly, there is the assault and rape I experienced when I was in Adelaide in 2007. Thirdly, there is the recurrent memories of being homeless; of being ostracised by society and forced to exist in a sub-human state on the streets of Melbourne and beyond. Fourthly, comes the various physical assaults that I received during this homeless existence. On a daily basis I am hounded by flashbacks of these four incidents; flashbacks that occur without warning, leaving me a quivering, delusional wreck.

Over the last few months, ever since becoming unwell, the memories of the emotional abuse I received have been impossible to contend with. I have been regularly conversing with a hallucination of my abuser to the point I devolve into a fuming, shouty monster. Lord knows what my neighbours think of me, for the walls between us are thin, and my voice is raging. I will scream, yell, holler, bellow, bawl and shriek as I replay specific abusive events and attempt to discover why she saw fit to abuse me. I am desperate for answers, desperate for closure, but I know I can never receive it so my voice rages ever louder. I want to know why she decided to destroy my sense of self, why she was so cruel and callous in her criticism and insults, why she worked so hard to drive a wedge between my friends and I, why she decided I didn’t deserve to be in tertiary education and why she decided I should die because “my voice is so boring and monotonous it inflicts pain on everyone I talk to“. I need to know why I deserved the abuse she gave me. But like I said, I know I will never discover these answers, I will never have the closure I need, so how do I cope with it? How do I live with the trauma rather than let it control me?

At least fourteen hours a day are lost to these fuming, shouting sessions. They occur when I’m home, they occur when I’m walking down the street and they occur when I’m surrounded by people in the high street. And I have no idea how to stop it. I have no idea how to cope with these intolerable flashbacks.

My GP believes a new anti-psychotic will help – a week into taking it, it hasn’t. I’ve tried mindfulness techniques. I’ve tried my usual coping mechanisms. I’ve tried CBT and DBT techniques. I’ve tried flooding myself with distraction. But nothing has worked. I always devolve into the shouting, always devolve into the trauma and always allow it to control my thinking, my actions and everything in between.

Hence the question – how to cope with PTSD flashbacks? How do you cope with your PTSD flashbacks? How do you stop it controlling your life?

Related articles

• Don’t Call Me Crazy, Call Me Sarah – on PTSD and Stigma
• The Truth About Emotional Abuse and “Fixing Your Life”
• Treatment for domestic violence
• Posttraumatic stress can have profound effects on sexual health
• How trauma affects your relationship
• Veterans with PTSD Reclaiming Their Lives