All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Leave a comment

25 Songs, 25 Days: White Noise

Day 02: A song that reminds you of your most recent ex-boyfriend/girlfriend

White Noise | The Living End


The first woman who took my fancy in Alice Springs was Rochelle;
a French backpacker whom I pashed in an alley (she was tasty!)

The second woman who took my fancy in Alice Springs was Sophie;
an Australian firecracker whom I spanked in my office (she was naughty!)

The third woman who took my fancy in Alice Springs was Kellie;
a shy Brit whom I got to second base with (she was perky!)

The fourth woman who took my fancy in Alice Springs was Diane;
an Australian Goddess who stole my heart (she was breathtaking!)

Once I met Diane my hypomanic self didn’t need to trawl the bars for fleeting sexual encounters anymore, because everything I craved was before me. A stunningly beautiful woman with a magnetic smile, magical eyes and magnificent posterior. It wasn’t one of those love-at-first-sight unions. It was a relationship born out of mutual loneliness; two isolated souls adrift in the middle of Australia, longing for love, longing for companionship.

Our flirtation began at the Camel Cup, an annual event that stops the town, and carried on through numerous evenings at the backpacker hostel where I worked until, finally, we ended up sleeping side-by-side. The next night we fell asleep in each other’s arms. The night after that, the same. We were a couple who hadn’t embarked on any dates, but had found ourselves drawn to each other regardless.

Over time we learned more about each other. Diane; with her love of takeaway food, Family Guy obsession and sociable nature complemented my lack of cooking ability, Family Guy naiveté and quiet confidence. We formed a unique bond. One that erased our loneliness and allowed us to feel connected to that strange, bizarre, town in the middle of the desert. We regularly visited the video game arcade to hone our shooting skills, debated the merits of takeaway pizza and embarked on camel riding adventures to thrill our bored souls.

But my hypomania wasn’t to last. When it ended, when my mood collapsed into depression, I wasn’t much fun to be around. I was tetchy, I was cranky and things that had once brought me pleasure now provided me nothing but pain. My mood, it goes without saying, dented our relationship. In time Diane began looking for other, more positive and exciting, people. I tried to remain the person she had fallen for, the person who had caused the magnetic smile to widen across her face, but the depression was too ingrained, too imposing. Throw in the ramifications of my rape affecting our sexual life and my time being stolen by my demanding, management job, and it wasn’t difficult to spot our relationship was in jeopardy.

When it ended, seven months after it started, it was painful. Tears were shed. Hearts were broken. But we knew it was for the best. We had sated our loneliness for a time, but knew deep down that this wasn’t enough to maintain a healthy relationship. The attraction wasn’t as intense as it should be. The love didn’t run as deep as we wanted. I miss Diane. I often think of our time together, the laughter we shared and the adventures we had. I often remember the smiles and the joy that marked the early months of our relationship rather than the pain and isolation that marked the end of our relationship. And during those early days, during those heady days of laughter, smiles and excitement, one song scored our love.

And whenever I hear it, whenever the rhythm takes hold, I am transported back to that time, and her magnetic smile that filled my heart with joy.