All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


Unsent Letter #8: You won’t remember me

In late 2012 I decided to write a series of unsent letters to people from my past. Rather than choose the person myself, I wrote 100 names onto 100 scraps of paper and placed them in a hat. Each day, I drew a name from the hat and then freewrote that person a letter. In order to break my current melancholic mood – and a particularly nasty bout of writer’s block – I’ve decided to revisit this idea and pluck a few more names from the hat, beginning today with a letter to someone who crossed my path only once, for a mere twenty seconds.

13 March 2014


If I know anything, I know one thing; you won’t remember me. But I will always remember you.

I will always remember your shoulder length brunette hair dancing in the wind. I will always remember your deep blue eyes piercing the darkness of an autumnal Scottish evening. I will always remember the smile that lit up your face as our eyes met that blustery, blissful evening. And I will always remember the wiggle of your cute bottom as you walked down the platform to vanish from my life forever.

Ours was the briefest of moments, no more than twenty seconds out of the millions of minutes of our lives, yet a moment that I will remember always; for you were the first woman – the first stranger – that I had ever had the courage to look in the eye and smile at.

It was September 1997 when our paths crossed. You wouldn’t have known that I was a runaway, that I had fled my familial home in search of myself. You wouldn’t have known that I’d spent the day roaming the wilds around Loch Shiel, soaking in the atmosphere of the most beautiful location I’d ever visited. You wouldn’t have known that social anxiety was wreaking havoc on my life, rendering me unable to look people in the eye. And you certainly wouldn’t have known the momentous nature of the smile I gave you.

All you would have known is that an overweight man, flushed with bliss, overflowing with ecstasy, caught your eye on a desolate train platform and smiled at you. And you graced him the gift of smiling back; a smile that has remained with him through all the passing years.

A smile that proved to him that he could make eye contact with strangers; that he could smile at people without suffering an anxiety attack; that he may not be quite as ugly and repulsive as he believed himself to be.

Whenever I have doubted myself in the intervening seventeen years, whenever I have questioned whether or not I could (or should) smile at strangers, I have thought of you. A woman who didn’t fling abuse because I deigned to look in her direction, a woman who didn’t recoil in horror at my presence, a woman who graced me the gift of happiness, even  though you knew not who or why I was.

So, my dear FLWTCB, even though I don’t know your name, even though it’s unlikely you’ll be able to decipher the cryptic moniker I have given you, should you ever read these words and recognise yourself, I just wish to thank you for making that mere boy feel a joy unlike anything he’d experienced before.

For giving me a moment that, however brief, will remain with me until the day I die.

With love and thanks,
Addy xxx

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101 Things that make me happy (Part 05)

Previously, in Addy’s 101 Things that make me happy list:

| 1-35 | 36 – 52 | 53 – 69 | 70 – 86 |


(87) Runrig; the greatest musical group in the history of music. Possibly.

87. Runrig; the greatest musical group in the history of music. Possibly.
88. Fan-fiction; some of it is brilliant, some of it is weird, some of it is downright kinky!
89. People who don’t victim-blame victims/survivors of abuse; you guys are the bees-knees! :D
90. Tom and Jerry; if a complete DVD box set was ever released…it’s mine!
91. That I never forget birthday’s; once I know when someone’s birthday is, of course!
92. Monty Python and the Holy Grail; coconuts, killer bunnies and Castle Anthrax. Easily the best Monty Python film!
93. That I’m stubborn, determined and rarely give up; something to be proud of, no?
94. That I’m kinky; why be vanilla when you can be double-choc chunky chip with strawberry and marshmallows?
95. That I’m creative; blogging, fiction, photography, presents, cooking, life…I’m always trying to find new, exciting and inspiring ways to do things!
96. That I’m honest; because in today’s sociopathic society, very few people are!
97. That I’m obsessed with experiencing things and will never stop until I have; bugger pain, weirdness, humility and embarrassment. After all, if you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner.
98. Being myself; however much I criticize, attack, berate and generally speak negative of, I do actually kinda like being Addy, and that makes me happy!
99. That without planning it, this final part of the list has become all about how happy I am with how awesome I am! ;)
100. Mermaids; they’re freaking awesome! And not just because they fashion shells into brassieres! :p
101. The fact that over the last five days, I’ve actually been able to come up with 101 things that make me happy. Who would have thought it! :D 


(40) Accomplishing something rocks!


101 Things that make me happy (Part 04)

Previously, in Addy’s 101 Things that make me happy list:

| 1-35 | 36 – 52 | 53 – 69 |


(70) Beards; (some) people may hate them, but they make me happy! :)

Yesterday I delved into things related to women that make me happy. Today, I turn my attention to the hairier species…

70. Beards; (some) people may hate them, but they make me happy! :)
71. Any man who isn’t a MRE (Men’s Rights Extremists); because MREs are some of the most bileful, hate filled dickheads the human race has ever spawned.
72. Silly Boy’s Projects; has any woman ever taken on something so inane, utterly devoid of point or meaning yet so incredibly happy inducing?
73. Chest hair; I refer mainly to my chest hair rather than anyone elses. But chest hair in general is pretty awesome! :)
74. The male Scottish accent; I miss my Scottish brogue. Sniff. :(

…and, umm, without trying to appear sexist…they’re all the male-centric things I can come up with right now, so I’ll just resume being scattershot:

75. Pascal; the cutest chameleon ever put on celluloid!
76. George Mackay Brown; one of the most beautiful, poetic writers of all time.
77. Re-enacting my favourite scenes/characters whilst watching various films and television shows; utterly mad but utterly fun at the same time!
78. Drawing; I am utterly shocking at it, but between you and me, it does make me happy! :)
79. Daily Life; the section of The Age written from a female point-of-view, usually about issues specific to female representation and gender discrimination.
80. Snooker; the greatest sport in the history of the known universe. Bar none!
81. Actually, the sound that two snooker/pool balls make when they connect is one of the most blissful sounds in the galaxy!
82. “You’re not friends. You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love til it kills you both. You’ll fight and you’ll shag and you’ll hate each other til it makes you quiver but you’ll never be friends. Love isn’t brains, children, it’s blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will…and I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.”
83. Marshmallows; especially when burnt to a crisp over an open fire.
84. That even though I’m now really struggling with this list, I refuse to give up so close to the end!
85. Lasagne; because sometimes I just like to pretend I’m Garfield! :p
86. Dressing Up; who doesn’t like slipping on a costume and pretending to be someone else? It’s as much fun as your imagination will allow! :p


(80) Snooker; the greatest sport in the history of the known universe.

Tomorrow: With only fifteen things to go, will I make it to 101?


101 Things that make me happy (Part 03)

Previously, in Addy’s 101 Things that make me happy list:

| 1-35 | 36 – 52 |


(61) Women with guitars; preferably when they know how to play them! :p

Unlike the last two installments in this epic list, which were entirely random, today I focus my attention on all things female. In fact, this section was so easy to write I’m thinking of putting together a ‘101 Things About Woman that Make Me Happy list’!

Hopefully no offense is taken, as none was intended! :p

53. Giving a woman an all-over body massage; preferably for at least 30-60 minutes.
54. Female writers; so much more emotive, descriptive and rewarding than (most) male writers.  
55. The female Scottish accent; shudder!
56. The female Canadian accent; swoon, eh!
57. Beavers; is there a cuter wood devouring animal on the planet? No, I didn’t think so! :p
58. The look a woman gets when someone tells her she’s nothing like her mother.  
59. When you’re talking to a woman about an encounter with a Like Like and they immediately (and enthusiastically) share their first encounter with one; FYI, this has only happened to me once!
60. Underwear; what? Seeing a woman in underwear makes me feel happiness in much the same way that seeing a man in underwear makes a woman feel happiness.
61. My Kink; granted it doesn’t *have* to involve women…but it’s so much more exciting when it does! :p
61. Women with guitars; preferably when they know how to play them! :p
62. Vagina; it’s the most beautiful word in the English language for a reason.
63. Women who refuse to be sucked into the ‘hair is evil, shave it all off’ fad; I just don’t get the ‘pre-pubescent schoolgirl’ look, it actually creeps me out!
64. Breasts; yep, last time I checked, I was indeed a man! :p
65. Any woman who despises the word “panties” to the point they’re willing to smack anyone who uses it! (Yes, I abhor this word, how did you guess?)
66. Re-enacting that Spider-Man kiss; yes, it doesn’t have to involve women, but as I’m heterosexual I’d prefer it did.
67. Having long, interesting, emotional conversations about anything and everything under the sun; something you just can’t do with (most) men.
68. Tickling; granted, it doesn’t *have* to involve women…but (like pretty much everything) they’re so much better at it than men! :p
69. Yes…I’m that obvious! Or should I say crass? :p


(57) Beavers; is there a cuter wood devouring animal on the planet? :p

~ Tomorrow: Given I’m an equal opportunities kinda guy,  ‘101 Things that make me happy: The Male Edition’ ~


101 Things that make me happy (Part 02)

Previously, in Addy’s 101 Things that make me happy list:

| 1-35 |


(39) Calippos; the single greatest frozen ice snack in the history of the universe!

36. Winnie the Pooh; there will never be a book for children and adults better than this.
37. Knee Length Socks; yet another reason to prefer winter over summer! :p
38. The look someone gets after they’ve remembered where they put their keys!
39. Calippos; the single greatest sugary frozen ice snack in the history of the universe!
40. Accomplishing something; doesn’t really matter what. Accomplishing something rocks!
41. Using a mushroom to outrun the evil blue shell missile in Mario Kart Wii! :p
42. Writing; this should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway as we’ve still got 69 things to go!
43. Finding a book you love buried at the bottom of an op-shop bookshelf; especially if it’s only 50c!
44. Thongs; nope, I refer not to the skimpy undergarment or footwear, but Trocchi’s beat novel.
45. The “first kiss” scene between Vanessa Hudgens and Gaelan Connell in Bandslam.
46. And, while I think of it, the look Sa5m has on her face when she’s standing outside the bookshop.
47. The fact I’m not (too) scared of announcing my love of Bandslam to the world!
48. Satsumas; not only are they delicious but their name is so much fun to say aloud.
49. Apostrophe Nazis; the world needs more Rogue Grammar Hunters. Mmm, I feel a fictional series coming on… :)
50. When the word bollocking is used to mean ‘scolding’, such as; “Eff me, mum’s gonna give me a right bollocking when she finds out I burned the school down in pursuit of a rogue comma!” said Brenda, the Grammatical-Error Slayer.
51. The ocean; even this water-phobe loves being beside the seaside!
52. Leunig; one of the finest cartoonists of all time.


(49) Apostrophe Nazis; the world needs more Rogue Grammar Hunters.


101 Things that make me happy (Part 01)


On the 24 May 2012 I wrote a blog post that looked at twenty-five things that make me happy. Following last week’s epiphany, I’ve decided to challenge myself to come up with 101 things that make me happy; for only by knowing what makes us happy can we hope to find happiness in the future.

For those who have forgotten/missed them (and to prevent any pesky repetitions) here are the original twenty-five things:

1. Charles de Lint
2. Jacket Potatoes (with butter, cheese, broccoli and cauliflower)
3. The Legend of Zelda
4. Wombats
5. Articles
6. Blogging
7. Glenfinnan
8. The female posterior
9. That moment you realize the book you’re holding is something special
10. The Virgin (Gustav Klimt)
11. Photography
12. The fact that so many people have become obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey
13. Sleepy Lizards
14. James Kelman
15. Flannel Pyjamas
16. Flannel Pyjamas (being worn by a woman)
17. Shaun Micallef
18. Hugs
19. Kisses
20. Sex
21. Going Down Under
22. The Doctor Who Theme
23. To Write Love On Her Arms
24. Skittles

And now, the list continues…

26. Lime; it’s such a shame that it will forever live in Lemon’s shadow!
27. Spelling mistakes; it always makes me smile when I’m reminded that editors are human too.
28. Roald Dahl; how I missed him from my initial twenty-five will forever confuse me! :p
29. The male posterior; because some of them make me realize I’m not so ugly after all! :)
30. Coconut rice; so much more exciting than normal rice. Unless you’re allergic to coconut, that is!
31. Frasier; one of the greatest and most consistent sitcoms ever made. Easily kicks Seinfeld’s ass!
32. Serena Ryder; there’s a reason she’s my favourite songsmith of all time!
33. Cycling; why drive when you can ride a bike? I just don’t understand why more people don’t.
34. Jenna Louise Coleman; the fact she reminds me of Sammi is just a bonus! :p
35. Masturbation; what? If this doesn’t make you happy, you’re doing it wrong! I prescribe practice! :p

Note: The placement of items (34) and (35) is purely coincidental!


(27) Spelling mistakes; it always makes me smile when I’m reminded that editors are human too.

Tomorrow: Writing, Callipos, Apostrophe Nazis and more…