All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


Sunday Stealing: Let’s Not Be Difficult

It’s Sunday, so once again it’s time to exercise our brain muscle with a series of lighthearted questions. Sunday Stealing originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. And this weeks meme was kindly stolen from surveysurveysurvey. Enjoy! :)


(1) Horror movies (which are the equivalent of comedies to me)

1. Do you like your movies and books to be more lighthearted or serious?

This entirely depends on what mood I’m in. If I’m in a seriously depressed, melancholic funk, I prefer lighthearted comedies or horror movies (which are the equivalent of comedies to me). But if I’m in a manic, hypomanic or just feeling damn good episode, I love watching more serious, thought-provoking movies.

2. What’s more important, first impressions or lasting impact?

Lasting impact is infinitely more important than a first impression. People who draw their opinion of someone from a first impression are missing out. What if a person is having a bad day when you first meet them, and that impression means you never see that person again. You’re missing out on a potentially magnificent friendship because you assumed something that may not be correct. Better to go with lasting impact, it’s a lot kinder.

3. Order these areas of psychological health from what you need the least improvement into what you need the most improvement in: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, spiritual.

i. Social; I am the most unsocial human being the world has ever produced. I have no friends in real life. I have no acquaintances in real life. Everyone I communicate with exists on the internet. And just so that you know, my loneliness isn’t by choice, I love friends, I’m a better person when I have people around me. It’s just I suffer from a condition known as social anxiety, which prevents me from making connections and instigating/continuing conversation. It’s hard, and it’s painful and it’s everyday. And you never get used to it. Ever.
ii. Emotional; With the plethora of mental illnesses that I suffer from, my emotional well-being could certainly do with a good massage.
iii. Intellectual; I keep my brain pretty engaged through reading articles, reading books and doing brain exercises. But I could do more.
iv. Environmental; I hate the town I live in with a fiery, intense passion. I want to move, it would help my emotional well-being if I did, but alas, because I live in poverty, it just isn’t financially viable for me to move at the moment!
v. Physical; I go to the gym two, three times a week. I walk every day. I do yoga a couple of times a week. It’s not bad, but it could be better.
vi. Spiritual; I’m not a religious man, so I’m not too fussed about this particular part of my emotional well-being. I believe in faeries, though, does that count as being spiritual?

4. Do you react appropriately to things and control your feelings?

Most of the time I react appropriately to things. But there are always going to be times when there’s an overreaction or loss of control. That’s just part and parcel of living with severe mental illness. It’s frustrating, but something I’ve just had to get used to.

5. Do you have stable relationships?

I don’t have any relationships, stable or otherwise. Which is pretty sad, when you think about it.


(5) I don’t have any relationships, stable or otherwise.

6. Do you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself?

No. When I’m in a relationship I find I have an increased level of confidence and self-esteem, but I don’t draw my energy from the other person. I’ve learnt over the years that you must have a good perception of who you are otherwise every relationship you attempt will fail. If you can’t feel good by yourself, how can you expect someone else to make you feel good?

7. Which is the clearest and most concise, your thoughts, your speech or your writing? Which is the least clear and concise?

My writing is the most clear and concise because I can spend time thinking about it, writing it and editing it to convey exactly what I wish. My speech is the least clear, because it is governed by my social anxiety, which makes it difficult for me to think on the move or react swiftly to speech cues, facial movement or body language.

8. Are you always trying to learn new things?

Yes. Life would be pretty boring if we didn’t keep trying to educate ourselves.

9. Do you feel at peace?

Certainly not. Another disadvantage of suffering from severe mental illnesses.

10. Do you have strong morals and ethics that you believe in and adhere to?

Yes. I’ve found that fewer people are living to an ethical moral code these days. They just do whatever they want, whenever they want, and to hell with other people. The only thing that matters to most are themselves, and I abhor such an arrogant, self-centered view on life. So whenever possible I adhere to my strict moral and ethical code. Putting other people first; it’s just who I’ve chosen to be.


(10) Fewer people are living to an ethical moral code these days

11. Do you think of the needs of all humanity or just the needs of yourself and those you know?

As I just said, I abhor people who put themselves first. Other people, creatures or the environment are far more important than your own self-absorbed life, and if more people thought the way I do, this world would be a far friendlier, more pleasurable place to live.

12. Do you recycle?

I do. Every week.

13. Are you active in your community?

No. My social anxiety prevents my involvement in community or social based activities. It’s frustrating, as I would love to be more active in the community, as it might mean I would make new friends and acquaintances, but I have to protect myself first. And if that means avoiding social interaction, so be it.

14. Are you sensitive to the needs of others?

Yes. I’d like to think that I am.

15. Do you dress up to go out?

I rarely, if ever, go out. But if I did I would dress for the occasion. So if that meant a suit and tie, I would don a suit and tie. And look jolly spiffing in it if I may say so.


 (16) Sexism

16. What could make you lose respect for someone?

Arrogance. Abuse. Defending an abusive person. Selfishness. Murder. Rape. Torture. Not accepting of sexual proclivities. Sexism. Homophobic. Doesn’t like jam. You know, all the important things.

17. If you won $1,000 every week until you die, would you still go to work?

Work isn’t just about making money. Work is something we do to feel alive, to feel connected to the world, to feel important. Without it we are essentially nothing. And I should know, as I haven’t worked in over six years! I would love to work, regardless of how much money I’m being given each week.

18. What trend has been getting on your nerves lately?

Selfies. Especially selfies being taken at the location of a tragedy, like those people who flocked to the beach in Tunisia, or think it’s acceptable to take a picture of yourself at the scene of a car crash. Have some bloody respect for your fellow humanity, you self-centered, narcissistic assholes!

19. Do you forgive yourself when you make a mistake?

No. I am atrocious at forgiving myself. Mainly because very few people have ever forgiven my mistakes, so I don’t know what it feels like to be forgiven. My mind has decided it needs to hold myself accountable for everything I have ever done wrong. It’s painful. It’s exhausting. It’s who I am. Just the other day someone asked me to forgive myself, and no matter how much I want to, I can’t. I did the wrong thing. It should never be forgiven.

20. Is ignorance really bliss?

No. Bliss is lying naked in bed, smothering your partners genitalia with honey before licking it off with all your might! :p


(20) Bliss is lying naked in bed, smothering your partners genitalia with honey before licking it off with all your might!

21. What can be described as ‘even better than the real thing’?

My homemade toasted cheese sandwiches. Coca-Cola (which I have an unfortunate addiction to!) Chocolate HobNobs. And spanking.

22. What’s in your wallet right now?

Some receipts. Some coupons. A photo of my niece and nephew. A few moths. And, alas, no money.

23. Do you write letters that you never send?

All the bloody time. (Note: you can check some of them out here!)

24. Do you ever get the feeling people are laughing at you?

All the time. It’s part and parcel of my social anxiety. I’m forever adamant that I’m being judged, laughed at or people are planning my ritual public humiliation. It’s frustrating, it’s annoying, but it’s something I’ve learned to live with over the years.

25. Who’s the one person you’d like to drop a house on?

Kim-effing-Kardashian! She annoys the living crap out of me! And if Tony Abbott should happen to be standing next to her, so be it!


Sunday Stealing: I Want To Be Famous

It’s Sunday, and I’m running low on internet credit, but I’m not going to let that stop me partaking in another round of Sunday Stealing. Today’s meme is gleefully swiped from Surveysurveysurvey. So buckle up and settle down for another whirl through the randomness that is my mind!

1. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 

I’m not sure I would like to be famous. I like my privacy. I like walking down the street without people flocking to me for autographs, selfies (and the occasional belfie). But if I were to be famous, if I were to end up being universally loved and adored, I would like it to be for something that mattered. Not because my arse repeatedly tried to break the internet or I was the star of an atrocious, galling, reality show. Perhaps for being an advocate-supreme of mental health matters, or that I’d published a book which had resonated with readers and changed their lives in subtle ways. I think I’d like to be famous for something like that.

2. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? 

Always. I abhor using the telephone. It is an object of great anxiety and stress. I hate it when my phone rings because I have no idea who’s calling (my phone always displays ‘unknown’, even if the number of the person who’s calling is programmed in or not!) or what they want me to do (invariably when people phone me they want me to do something!) So on the rare occasions that I phone people (and it really is a rare occurrence) I plan for hours, if not days, beforehand what I’m going to say and every permutation of what the recipient may say in response. I am nothing if not prepared! :)

3. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? 

Waking up after a deep, nightmare free sleep, to squeeze my significant other’s posterior (What? You said ‘perfect’ day. And in my perfect day I am in a happy, loving and mutual relationship with a woman who respects my lust for her excellent bottom!) and wish them a beautiful, glorious day. I would then prepare a round of poached eggs on sourdough toast for us both before we stayed in bed to read the newspaper and have occasional bouts of glorious sexual intercourse until the clock clicked round to midday.

We would be then forced to rouse from our snuggleathon, else we would consider ourselves lazy, for a bracing hike through the Scottish wilderness (What? In my ‘perfect’ day I live in Scotland, okay?) Upon returning from our constitutional we would have more bouts of glorious sexual intercourse, most likely in the kitchen, before snuggling up on the couch to watch a movie.

We would then order a pizza (potato and rosemary) for dinner which we would eat whilst casually chatting about random, bizarre topics. This conversation would last well into the evening, be peppered with belly laughs and cheeky grins, and aided by lashings of dry white wine. Once the clock had ticked over to midnight we would cease our witty conversation, retire to bed, have (you guessed it) even more bouts of glorious sexual intercourse before slipping into a deep, nightmare free sleep.


4. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 

The last time I sung to myself was yesterday afternoon, whilst listening to Runrig. The last time I sung to someone else was eight years ago, when I stunned my girlfriend at the time with a magnificent rendition of the theme from Fame, whilst stripping myself naked. It’s such a fun song to strip to!

5. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? 

I would much rather have the mind of a 30-year-old. Body’s are overrated, the mind is eternal.

6. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

I have long believed I will commit suicide. Not a very happy or chirpy death, to be sure, but for as long as I can remember I think it’s where my life is headed. And a myriad of attempts in the past backs this up!

7. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 

My passion. Ever since I was a wee bairn I have been brimming with a kinky passion for life, action and adventure. I don’t know where I’d be without this passion. It has seen me through some dark and brutal times. In fact, no matter what mood I’ve found myself in, it’s always been there for me. And for that I’m eternally grateful.

8. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 

I wish my sister’s life hadn’t been touched by mental illness. It caused a lot of problems when I was growing up and nearly tore my family apart. If it weren’t for her health problems, my sister and I would have a closer, more ‘normal’ relationship and my parents would have been able to spend more time with me during my formative years. But aside from this I don’t think I’d change anything. My parents loved me, disciplined me when I needed it and generally taught me respect, right from wrong and the best ways to approach life. What more could you ask for?

9. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? 

Confidence. I am completely devoid of self-esteem and inner belief. I wish I had some, for my lack of it has caused many problems throughout my long, varied life.

10. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 

Will I always be alone. No, scratch that, I’d rather not know. It would be too upsetting to find out if it were true.

11. What does friendship mean to you? 

Friendship is life. Without good friends, without companionship, without someone to ease the pain and turn our worries to dust, we are nothing.

12. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 

My life has been devoid of love and affection for eight years. The closest I have come to either would have been when I was in hospital earlier this year and had a gaggle of nurses sticking me with needles and taking my blood pressure hour after hour. And I’m not sure that counts as love and affection, because stabbing someone with a pointy needle isn’t love, and being paid to do a job isn’t affection. I would love some love and affection to play a role in my life though. I miss it. I miss having someone to wake up to, someone to cuddle, someone to share my life and bizarre, kinky self with. I miss having friends who relish spending time with me, who turn to me for support or just want company on a dark, unforgiving day. Once you are without love and affection, you realise how important and vital it is to have such emotions in your life. I fear that until I have love and affection back in my life I will forever slide toward nothingness, for, as I just said, without friendship, we are nothing.

13. When did you last laugh?

This morning, whilst watching Good Game Spawn Point (a video game show) on iView. I shouldn’t have done as I knew I was running out of internet credit, but the urge to see the presenters cosplay Jeff Goldblum and a T-Rex (she was dressed in a cute dinosaur onesie) was too much for me to resist.

14. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

I am very much a night owl. For many years I battled insomnia, still do to this day, so much of my best work and thinking is done during the dark, nighttime hours. Also, owls are cool. Who wouldn’t want to be a groovy, cute little owl?

15. Seen anything weird lately?

Does a TV presenter dressed in a cute dinosaur onesie count? If not, no, I haven’t seen anything weird lately. Unfortunately.

And there we have it. Sunday Stealing is done and dusted for another week. Sorry for the lack of pretty pictures this week but I need to conserve what little internet credit I have left, so can’t go roaming around Google like I usually do. If you don’t hear from me for a while, don’t worry, I’m still alive and kicking, it’s just I have to wait until I get paid next before I can recharge my GB allowance. It’s a pain, and major annoyance, but just another part of living a life in abject poverty! Until next time, stay happy and well! :)


Sunday Stealing: Mash Up Meme

It’s Sunday. So once again it’s time for Sunday Stealing.
This week’s meme has been happily swiped from My Random Randomness. Enjoy! :)


(1) Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning…

1. What’s overdue for a good cleaning?

Depression is my friend. We are intimately connected and have been since I was thirteen years old. Depression stops me from doing many things; for example, socializing, laughing, smiling, feeling contented, enjoying strawberry jam on toast and cleaning. Oh, how depression stops me from cleaning. When the shadow of darkness clouds my soul, the last thing I want to do is clean. Thus, my kitchen, nay, my entire house, needs a damn good clean.

2. What’s overdue for some kind of professional examination, service, maintenance, or upkeep? 

Me. It’s been a while since I last had a professional examination or general maintenance. I could do with a long soak in a hot bath, followed by a deep tissue massage, followed by all manner of things to make my skin glow and my soul sing. But alas, I doubt it will happen in the near future. :(

3. Who’s overdue for a phone call or letter to you? 

Given my mental health, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. I have few friends to speak of and even fewer that I keep in regular contact with. Perhaps some of my Canadian friends, whom I met whilst traveling that fair, wide land, would appreciate a letter to update them on my actions since we last spoke. But I fear that letter would never be sent, for I have no idea where they now live, so would have nowhere to send it.


(4) Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert…

4. What’s overdue for an appearance in your neighborhood? 

Anything. My neighborhood is a miserable, boring, melancholy place. Nothing of note ever happens in this town. So it would be wonderful if something was to happen. Maybe an appearance by P!nk for an impromptu concert, or a visit from the Sword-fighting Appreciation Society of Australia, would liven up my neck of the woods. We can but dream.

5. Who’s overdue for a good comeuppance? 

Tony Abbott, the Australian Prime Minister, and general buffoon.

6. What’s a gross food you like anyway?

I was thinking last night, as I casually dined on spaghetti on toast, that this foodstuff is kinda weird. It’s very slimy, very wormy, and not very delectable on the texture scale. But all the same, I enjoyed slipping it down my throat.

7. Who’s an unlikable person you like anyway?

I can’t think of a single person whom I like that I would consider unlikable. unlikable people, like Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Paris Hilton, are people I have little to no time for. In fact, I only have time for decent, wonderful people, like David Tennant, Vanessa Hudgens or Karen Gillan.

8. What’s an unpleasant task you enjoy performing anyway?

Vacuuming. I love vacuuming and don’t understand why people dislike this household chore with as much passion as they do.

9. What’s a dumb song you enjoy anyway?

10. What’s a lousy restaurant you frequent anyway?

There are no restaurants I frequent on a regular basis. In fact, it’s been over eighteen months since I last dined out. Due to my mental health I live on a disability pension, and unfortunately, paying someone else to cook for me is just not within my budget!

11. What’s your favourite Sci-fi film/program etc?

Film: (one of the few films I would rate as a masterpiece of cinema!)

Television program: (as if you couldn’t guess, given yesterday’s post!)

12. Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading?

I have not. The closest I’ve come was getting my fortune told in the middle of Rundle Mall when I was manic in Adelaide. She told me in six weeks things would change, and six weeks later, my mania ceased. So maybe there’s something to all this psychic mumbo-jumbo.

13. Have you ever used the phrase “back in my time” to someone younger than you?

No. Like I said, I live a socially isolated, lonely life. And that includes people who are younger than me!

14. Have you ever done something really unbelievable, only to have no one around to see it?

I fell off the treadmill whilst at the gym the other day. That was pretty unbelievable. But given the tittering of laughter and applause that rippled round the gym, people did in fact see that wondrous moment. I guess the closest I can think of to achieving something unbelievable that no-one witnessed was writing my novel, which was lost when my backpack was stolen during my homeless experience. Thus, it is the great unread novel.

15. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building names after you?

I would much rather have a building named after me. Perhaps an art gallery, museum or library. People have told me I’m not a very attractive fellow (and by people, I mean the sociopathic narcissist who abused me for several months) so I don’t think I would be all that pretty a statue. It might scare the kiddies. And that wouldn’t be a good thing!


Sunday Stealing: Unusual Things

It’s Sunday. Which means it’s once again time for Sunday Stealing.
This week’s magnificent meme was lifted from My Random Randomness. Enjoy!


(1) And yes, it’s been a very lonely six and a half years since then!

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?

I find this question a little odd. Why must it be a person of the opposite sex that I laid in bed with? What if I’m gay, what if I enjoy laying in bed with members of my own sex? On the weekend that the USA legalizes same-sex marriage nationwide I find this a very #lovedoesntwin question. But to answer your somewhat homophobic question, the last person of the opposite sex I laid in bed with would have been Diane, my girlfriend circa July 2008-February 2009. And yes, it’s been a very lonely six and a half years since then!

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?

I don’t go out to eat all that often as being socially isolated, suffering from social anxiety and misophonia, it is a very depressing and lonely thing to do. The last time I did go out to eat was over eighteen months ago, when members of the Hearing Voices Support Group descended on the Hog’s Breath Cafe in Albury for a lunchtime bite to eat. I had a Chicken Caesar Wrap, and it was quite delicious!

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?

Given my addictive nature, I’ve had trouble with alcohol in the past. In fact, I work damn hard to remain sober, as turning to the demon drink would be an easy thing to do, and offer much comfort from the pain filled lonely life that I find myself living. The last drink I had was some rosé wine during the summer of 2013, when I relapsed into binge drinking in order to cope with the depression that had descended during the Christmas/New Year period. I’m not proud of turning to the demon drink during this period, but it felt like the only option I had at the time.

4. Which do you prefer – eyes or lips?

Eyes. They’re the window to the soul and full to brimming with magic, beauty and gorgeousness.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?

Fine arts. I have little to no interest in medicine and lawyers are no better than serial killers, in my humble opinion.

6. Best kind of pizza?

Potato and rosemary. Delicious! I’m not a fan of store-cooked or frozen pizza, I prefer cooking my own from scratch, dough and all. It tastes so much nicer and you can relish in the awesomeness of your cooking ability whilst you’re chowing down on your majestic creation!

7. Is your bedroom window open?

Yes. My bedroom window is always open. I like the breeze, even on freezing cold nights! :)

8. What is in store for your future?

More of the same boring, monotonous crap that is in my present. A continuation of the socially isolated, lonely life that I’m currently living. No friends. No love. No life. Nothing but pain, agony and the torment imposed on me by my mental illnesses. Wow. I’m in an optimistic mood today! ;)

9. Who was the last band you saw live?

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?

I don’t have any friends. But if I had some, yes, I would take care of them while they were sick. As I always did when I had friends all those years ago.

11. Any historical figures that you envy?

Not that I can think of. Aside from Audrey Hepburn’s husband. I’m envious of him, the lucky git! ;)

12. How many songs are on your iTunes?

13,249 songs. Most of which came from CDs borrowed from the library and CDs gifted to me by my father.

13. What brand of digital camera do you own?

Olympus. It was a gift from my Aunt. And a wonderful gift at that! :)

14. When was the last time you got a good workout?

Last Wednesday, when I went to the gym for the first time in two years. I’ve recently acquired a free three-month gym membership courtesy of a program the YMCA run for people with mental health issues. I fully intend to go three times a week, commencing tomorrow! :)


(15) Spanking naughty bottoms! :p

15. Are you experienced?

Yes. I am experienced at many things. Living with bipolar affective disorder. PTSD. Social anxiety. Homelessness. How to operate a DVD player. Cooking jacket potatoes. Rolling cigarettes. Hugging. Massaging. Slicing broccoli. Kissing in the rain. Spanking naughty bottoms. Many things.

16. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?

The local charity shop. I refuse to spend extortionate amounts of money on clothes.

17. Are you a quitter?

Nope. I see things through until the bitter end.

18. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?

19. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?

Probably envy. Possibly sloth. But I’m getting better at both of them.

20. Did you just have to Google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?

Nope. I’m a big David Fincher fan and count Seven as his third greatest film.



100 Questions, 100 Answers

This meme has been doing the rounds lately. I’ve seen it pop up on Marci, Mental Health & More, Blahpolar Diaries and Madness, Sparkle & Creative Flair. As I enjoy these questionnaires, mainly because they allow people to get to know me a little better, I thought I would join the party and undertake the task of answering all one hundred questions. So strap yourselves in for an epic task, and don’t forget to enjoy yourselves along the way! :)


1.How are you, really?

Feeling pretty flat, depressed and uninspired at the moment, if truth be told. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I can’t decide what to do today.

2. What are you thinking about?

What am I going to do once this questionnaire is over. Do I walk down the street? Do I cook a grilled cheese sandwich? Do I do something naughty?

3.What’s your favourite colour?

Purple. And red. I like purple and red.

4. What’s your favourite food?

Jacket potatoes with cheese and butter. Unbelievably scrumptious and only a little bad for you.

5. What’s your favourite dessert?

I don’t really do desserts, but if you had to twist my arm, perhaps a slice of chocolate cake or two.

6. How old are you?

Physically I’m 36 years old. Emotionally, due to trauma, I’m 28. Mentally, due to homelessness, I’m 76. It’s all manner of confusing, I know!

7. What have you learned today?

That sleep is beautiful.

8. What was your favourite subject in school?

Media studies. By far the most fun I had during my school experience.

9. What do you do?

I’m an unemployed, disability pension receiver. So I don’t really do anything, unfortunately.

10. What are some of your favourite books?

Memory and Dream, The Stornoway Way, Thirteen Reasons Why, Northern Lights: A Poet’s Sources and Quest for a Kelpie.

11. What are some of your favourite movies?

Fight Club, Local Hero, Say Anything, any of the exquisite Studio Ghibli films; especially My Neighbor Totoro and The Descent.

12. What kind of music are you into?

I have a very eclectic musical taste. I like everything from Taylor Swift to Nick Cave to Musical Theater. But I’m particularly fond of the folk, folk/rock, blues and roots genres. Things like Serena Ryder, Josh Ritter, Runrig, Wolfstone, Nick Cave and Hawksley Workman.

13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

My autobiography, which I’ve started working on, is tentatively titled: All that I am, all that I ever was. My first fiction book, which has been written but has become lost, was titled The Ghosts that Haunt Me. It will be rewritten one day!

14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?

Get on a plane to fly from the UK to Australia. I hate flying. Truly and utterly hate it. So a twenty-four hour flight was a huge challenge for me!

15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

My blog; it takes tremendous courage to write so openly and honestly, and I’ve always been proud that I was able to find such courage.

16. Are you married?

Alas, I am not. I would love to be. But I’m not.

17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?

Alas, I am currently single. I would love to not be. But I am.

18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?

I really don’t think it makes all that much difference. As the answer to my age question above revealed, age is all relative anyway. If you get married when you’re young, all power to you. If it doesn’t happen until you’re 50 or 60, all power to you as well. It really doesn’t matter.

19. Do you have any kids?

Alas, I do not. I would love to. But I don’t.

20. Have you ever thought of adopting?

Actually, I have. I had a conversation with my support worker about this very topic not too long ago. But because I’m a single male, living on the disability pension in a one bedroomed unit, we decided I wouldn’t have much chance of being successful. Despite the fact I would be a loving father.


(21) Or a centaur.

21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Happy. But seriously, I always wanted to be a writer. Or a centaur.

22. How did you get into your profession?

I’m not in a profession, or were you not paying attention when you asked me what I did for a living?

23. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?

Like I said, I’m not in a profession. But I wouldn’t recommend being on the disability pension, it’s a pretty uninspiring and mediocre life.

24. What do you do for fun?

I write. I read. I watch movies and television in epic binge sessions. I dream about dancing. I walk. I cycle. And I do naughty things with myself! ;)

25. Do you like traveling?

I used to love traveling. In fact, I spent the better part of 1999/2000 backpacking around Scotland and Canada. Although I would love to travel again, I don’t think I could do the whole backpacking thing again. I like my privacy too much to deal with smelly dorm rooms and snoring behemoths.

26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?

Antarctica. Or Canada. Or Scotland. I miss Scotland something terrible.

27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?

Charles de Lint. Serena Ryder. Tony Abbott (so I can flying bitch slap him!) And a beautiful redhead with a cute posterior who accepts (and loves) me for who I am.

28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

If someone can’t handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve to see you at your best.

29. What’s one of your favourite habits you have?

I enjoy smoking, sometimes, although this enjoyment has been on the wane lately. I also enjoy the fact I bite the skin around my nails, even though that sounds pretty disgusting! Oh, and there’s the fact I go on dates with my voices, that’s a habit that I love!

30. What are some things that make you really happy?

Good movies. Inspiring books. Dancing in the rain. Vegemite on toast. Broccoli. The female posterior. And spanking. Spanking makes me happy! :p

31. What are some things that make you really sad?

Bad movies. Uninspiring books. Dancing in the sunshine. Marmite on toast. Onions. My posterior. And self-spanking. Self-spanking makes me sad! :p

32. What are some things that scare you?

Heights, flying, spiders, people, social situations and women. Women scare me more than anything else.

33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?

I like to plan things out in detail. I’m not a very spontaneous person. I like to know what’s going on and why things are happening. It’s an anxiety thing!

34. Are you a religious person?

I’m not.

35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Audrey Hepburn, the Beaumont Children (so I could find out what happened to them) and Vincent Van Gogh.

36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?

The city; so much more to occupy my cultural and artistic craving mind.

37. What was your life like growing up?

Adolescence was pretty normal. But with my sister’s mental health issues coming to the fore, my teenage years were pretty rough.

38. What were you like in high school?

Quiet. Shy. Introverted. Unpopular. Bullied. They weren’t happy times.

39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

One brother, older; one sister, younger.

40. What’s your favourite part about today so far?

Nothing exciting has happened today so far. So probably deciding to answer these questions, such is the banality of my life!

audrey hepburn

(35) Audrey Hepburn

41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

Samantha; she taught me to accept a part of me I had always been afraid of. And Grace; who helped me accept myself for who I am.

42. What’s your favourite joke?

I don’t really do jokes. I’m not that way inclined.

43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

I’ve never tried it. And I never will.

44. Do you like spicy food?

I’m a simple man with simple tastes. And those tastes don’t include spicy food.

45. How do you like your steak cooked?

I hate steak. I find it abhorrent and disgusting.

46. Do you have a favourite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?

6. I like things happening in sixes. It’s weird, I’ll grant you, but it’s just the way I am.

47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I would be a wombat. Cuddly, cute and built like a small tank.

48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

I once screamed out “Kittyfantasticobeaver!” at the top of my voice in a tourism shop in Jasper, Canada. Don’t ask why, it’s too weird!

49. What kind of vacations do you like?

Quiet, inspiring and adventurous. I like hiking and exploring the natural world. I like investigating museums and art galleries. I’m not really the sort of person to spend a fortnight sunbaking on a beach or getting ratarsed in nightclubs; neither of these things hold the slightest interest for me.

50. What are some of your major goals in life?

Recovery from my mental illnesses. To write a book. To have this book published. To get married to a wonderful women and have two beautiful children; although this will most likely never happen, but I still hold onto the dream that one day it will!

51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

To begin going to the gym on a regular basis. To eat healthier food. To quit smoking. And live through each day.

52. What do you like least about yourself?

How much time do you have? I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my emotions, I hate my mental illnesses, I hate pretty much everything about myself.

53. What embarrasses you?

Nothing really. Aside from being in social situations. They always embarrass me as I stress over what people are thinking about me. It’s a social anxiety thing!

54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Art gallery curator. I think that would be fun.

55. What’s your earliest memory?

Walking to the library by myself. And I felt so freaking awesome!

56. What’s the best decision you ever made?

To start writing my blog.

57. Who’s your best / closest friend?

Meadhbh; she’s my primary voice and someone who’s been talking to me since I was thirteen. Due to my social isolation, I don’t have any friends in real life, sadly.

58. What do you think people think of you?

I think they think I’m the most selfish, worthless, repulsive piece of human excrement that has ever existed. And I have my abuser to thank for that!

59. What were your grades like in school?

Not bad. Not great. Fairly average really.

60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

How to dance properly.


(61) Definitely, and proudly, an introvert.

61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert. Definitely, and proudly, an introvert.

62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Many times. But none of the psychologists/psychiatrists explained the results. Bastards.

63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Approaching from the front; their eyes. Approaching from the rear; their posterior.

64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?

Yes. We are all in control of our own lives.

65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others?

Everyone is equally valuable. No human being is worth more than someone else. Doesn’t matter your class, your social standing or how much money you have in the bank. Everyone is equal. Everyone is exactly the same as everyone else. And if you think differently, you’re an idiot.

66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

Basically bad. It’s a social anxiety thing!

67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

Morals are relative to beliefs, traditions and practices.

68. Do you think God exists?


69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?


70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

I don’t vote. I’m not allowed to vote in Australia as I’m only a permanent resident, not a citizen, and I’ve become disenfranchised from the UK, so I’m not allowed to vote there either. It’s pretty annoying, as I’d love to be able to vote somewhere!

71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

Our sexuality is not a choice. Gay people don’t choose to be gay, straight people don’t choose to be straight, BDSM aficionados don’t choose their lifestyle. It is something someone is born with. Something they have no control over. And the more people realise that. The happier people would be.

72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

No. Torture is never the answer.

73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I would never kill anyone, regardless of the situation or circumstance.

74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

In one go? A few hundred dollars to charity.

75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Moving to Australia. It is something I deeply regret now, but at the time it made perfect sense.

76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Moving to Australia. It is something I deeply regret now, but at the time it made perfect sense.

77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

No idea. I’m not very good when it comes to political issues or coming up with masterplans to end world poverty or destigmatise mental illness. I just do what little I can to raise awareness of the issues I’m interested in. Whether these little things make a difference isn’t for me to say, but I like to think that they help some people, some times.

78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Pay teachers a helluva lot better than we do now. We expect them to educate and mold the minds of the next generation but we pay them peanuts. It’s disgraceful.

79. In general, what do you think about art?

I love art. I don’t always understand it. But I love it all the same.

80. What are some of your favorite websites?

WordPress, various personal blogs, The Conversation and several naughty sites about something that makes me happy! :)


(80) The Conversation

81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?

Abusive mentality. Having been in one abusive relationship already, I would never, not even for a million dollars, do it again.

82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

I tend not to tell big lies. Just small white lies.

83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

That I’m actually a decent, kind, caring and compassionate human being.

84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

That I’m actually a decent, kind, caring and compassionate human being.

85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Groan. Get out of bed. Pee. Make a cup of tea. Smoke. Turn on talk radio. Fire up the computer to check for comments on my blog.

86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

Amidst a cavalcade of calamity, including physical assault, rape and homelessness, the worst thing that ever happened to me was being the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship. The damage this caused my life was epic in scale and the ramifications are something I’ve never been able to deal with.

87. Do you cry easily?

I used to. But not any more.

88. How do you feel about public speaking?

I hate it. Although I find it exhilarating at the same time.

89. Do you like to talk on the phone?

No. I hate the phone. I despise the phone. In fact, I rarely, if ever, talk on the phone.

90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Spam emails: dozens. Interesting and enlightening emails: none.

91. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

David Tennant.

92. What’s one of your favourite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

I don’t ask questions. I don’t say very much at all. Hence why I don’t have any friends or have any conversations. It’s a social anxiety thing!

93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

Hell no!

94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

I’ve never punched someone, but I’ve had someone beat the crap out of me on several occasions. Having middle class hipsters attack you is part and parcel of homeless life, unfortunately.

95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

I don’t pull pranks. I’m not all that good at them. Although I did once convince my sister that Xander was going to get his own spin-off from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she hated me when she discovered this wasn’t going to happen.

96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

I honestly can’t remember. Although it probably involved going for dinner with my family.

97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Teaching. And pretty much every emergency service.

98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

Life is shit. And then you die.

99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

I’ve known what it’s like to be forgotten, and it isn’t pleasant. But I would choose that over being hated.

100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

No. I would probably feel quite happy about my impending fate. It would mean that the pain would be over.


Sunday Stealing: Get It All Down

Once more unto the breach, dear friends. It’s Sunday, so it’s time for another dose of Sunday Stealing. This week’s meme was (happily) stolen from My Random Randomness. So without further ado, let us commence…


After watching the movie Silver Linings Playbook, I dabbled with the idea of joining a local dance troupe…

Are you a good dancer?

I’m not a bad dancer, but I wouldn’t say I was a particularly good dancer either. I’ve mastered the ‘slowly shuffle from one foot to another move’, which isn’t all that impressive. But I’ve also mastered the waltz and tango, which is considerably more impressive. The only problem is, with my social isolation being the way it is, I have very few dance partner options, and unlike some activities, dancing is always more fun when enjoyed with someone else. After watching the movie Silver Linings Playbook, I dabbled with the idea of joining a local dance troupe in order to dance as therapy – but I couldn’t find a single dance group in my local area, which put pay to that particular idea. I guess what I need to do is meet a Jennifer Lawrence look-a-like, someone with a passion for dancing to rival my own, and then I could dance and bogle to my heart’s content! :)

Are you a good singer?

I am quite possibly the worst singer to have ever walked the face of the earth. I can’t hold a tune to save my life. To say my singing sounds like someone strangling a stray cat would be an understatement. In fact, if my singing were used to torture terrorism suspects, we could probably eradicate this scourge upon humanity, as they would cave within a few bars of listening to me “sing”.

Are you a good cook?

This all depends on what I’m cooking. Jacket potatoes with cheese and butter, I’m the master at. I can also whip up a mighty fine potato bake, superb mashed potato and exquisite potato rosti. In fact, give me a potato, and I could cook you a masterful meal. But give me any other ingredient and I’ll cook you something that is only half edible. As for meat, don’t even bother, I become so obsessed with under-cooking it that I will – without fail – burn it to a cinder. At least this way I know it’s cooked, even if it does taste of charcoal.

Are you a good artist?

Photographer, yes. Draw or paint something on a piece of paper, no. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it.

Are you a good listener?

I would cite listening as one of few skills. I am the master at listening. So much so that I will forget to speak when it comes to my part of the conversation.

What’s your favorite clean word?

Pulchritude. It means beauty.

What’s your favorite swear word?

Bollocks. It means testicles.

What’s your least favorite word?

Loneliness. It means pain.

What was the last film you saw?

Recently I’ve embarked on a quest to watch every horror movie that has ever been made, regardless of quality or dodgyness. The last film I watched on this quest was the Katrina Bowden starring Hold Your Breath; quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever watched in my life, and after her delightful turn in Tucker and Dale vs Evil, I was disappointed to see Ms. Bowden turn in a performance lacking any credibility or realism.

What football team do you support?

When it comes to proper football, i.e. soccer, I support Chelsea, for purely family loyalty reasons. When it comes to not-really football, i.e. AFL, I support Melbourne, because I needed a team to barrack for whilst homeless and they were the lucky people I drew out the hat. When it comes to pointless football, i.e. American Football, I don’t support anyone, because it’s a silly sport that I have little to no interest in.

Have you ever been bobbing for apples?

Yes. When I was a child. And no. I never found a razor blade in any of them.

What’s your most expensive piece of clothing?

Probably a $6 T-Shirt I recently brought from Kmart. Most of my clothing comes from charity shops because I think spending large amounts of money on a single item of clothing to be quite obscene. When I was in my abusive relationship, my abuser would attack me frequently for my love of op-shops, as she didn’t understand why I wouldn’t spend $190 on a pair of jeans when I could pick one up for $5 in an op-shop. Madness.

What’s the last thing you took a picture of?


The last picture I took. Sunset over Sumsion Gardens, Wodonga.

What’s the last thing you drew a picture of?


The last picture I drew. Part of a timeline-of-my-life project.

Have you ever bought anything from eBay?

I used to eBay frequently when I was younger, picking up everything from CDs to DVDs to comic books. But over the last few years my interest in the website has waned, as I would much rather just purchase something from a local shop, then have to go through the rigmarole of bidding, waiting, bidding again, waiting some more, then winning, then waiting some more, then waiting even longer whilst they send it to me. It’s much more convenient to just go to a shop and pay for it then and there. But I will admit to missing the happy feels of picking up a nice little bargain.

Have you ever invented a fairly unique meal or drink?

No. Can’t say I have. Unless you count scrambled eggs on waffles, which I had a craving for once upon a time.

Do you have any secret family recipes?

No. Can’t say I have. Unless you count apple crumble, which my father makes better than anyone else on earth.