All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


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Sunday Stealing: Would You Rather (Part I)

 

Another Sunday. Another round of Sunday Stealing. Which originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes.

ancestors

…and I reckon I could learn a lot from my ancestors.

Would you rather go into the past and meet your ancestors or go into the future and meet your great-great grandchildren?

Given that it’s highly unlikely I will ever have children, let alone grand children, let alone great-grandchildren, let alone great-great grandchildren, I would have to say I would rather go into the past to meet my ancestors rather than the future to meet no-one. Plus, I’m much more interested in history than I am the future, and I reckon I could learn a lot from my ancestors; how they lived, how they entertained themselves, what sort of naughty escapades they got up to in their spare time. Such information would be highly entertaining and thoroughly thought-provoking.

Would you rather have more time or more money?

I would rather have more money than time, mainly because being disabled and on the pension, I already have a helluva lot of time to fill and not very much to do to actually fill it. More money would enable me to keep myself entertained and fill the already excess of time I currently have. And I’m not just saying that because I’m greedy, because I’m really not!

Would you rather have a rewind button or a pause button on your life?

My life is full of what ifs and might-have-beens, far too many, to be honest. So I would much rather have a rewind button to try to correct some of the mistakes I’ve made that have led to the shambles of a life I currently live, than a pause button to freeze time and be able to do nothing about it.

Would you rather be able to talk with the animals or speak all foreign languages?

I’m a lover of languages, especially dead or dying languages, and would love to be able to speak them all. Plus, animals don’t really interest me all that much, so I’m not too fussed about what they’re thinking. Although it would be kinda cool to be able to speak to the wombats, I reckon they would have a lot to say, loveable balls of energy that they are!

Would you rather win the lottery or live twice as long?

Life is already long enough, don’t you think? At least if you won the lottery you’d be able to make a difference to the world, and I’d much prefer to make a difference than live twice as long and be utterly irrelevant.

Would you feel worse if no one showed up to your wedding or to your funeral?

Given that it’s entirely unlikely I will ever be married, save for some sort of divine intervention, I would feel worse if no-one showed up to my funeral. Which I can pretty much guarantee you is going to happen anyway, given I have no-one in my life who would care enough to go. Cue violin music! :p

tonyabbott

…so I can give him an epic flying bitch slap for being such a misogynistic, annoying, dullard!

Would you rather be without internet for a week, or without your phone?

I rarely use my phone as it is, so it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if I didn’t have access to it for a week. The internet, on the other hand, is my only connection to the outside world (cheers, social anxiety!) and I would be utterly lost and inconsolable without it.

Would you rather meet George Washington, or the current President?

I’m not too fussed either way, to be honest. Being a Brit, currently living in Australia, I have little to no interest in American politics. I guess meeting George Washington would be kinda cool, from a history-nerd’s point of view, but I would rather meet Tony Abbott (the Australian prime minister) so I can give him an epic flying bitch slap for being such a misogynistic, annoying, dullard.

Would you rather lose your vision or your hearing?

My hearing. I would be lost without my vision, as all of my passions (from writing to movies to television to photography) rely on it.

Would you rather work more hours per day, but fewer days or work fewer hours per day, but more days?

When I was but a humble backpacker hostel manager, I worked long hours (12+ hour days) across five or six days of the week, and it was brutally exhausting, so I would rather word fewer hours per day, but more days, than more hours per day, but fewer days. Plus, days off are overrated anyway, so having fewer of them would be a good thing!

Would you rather listen to music from the 70’s or music from today?

Not being a lover of disco, I would rather listen to the music of today. But not the top 40 hip-hop garbage that permeates contemporary culture. I would much rather listen to the mighty fine and productive outputs of contemporary folk and roots performers.

Would you rather become someone else or just stay you?

I hate pretty much everything about myself. How I look. How I think. How I feel. So I would happily become someone else in a heartbeat. Although, having said that, I’m not sure I could deny the world my eccentric wit, kinky outlook or bizarre way of approaching life. I honestly think the world would lose something truly special if I wasn’t a part of it. So I’m completely torn on this question. Let’s just opt for staying as me; even though I hate myself, doesn’t mean the world hates me!

Would you rather be Batman or Spiderman?

Spider-man; he has a lot more fun than Batman. If you were Batman you’d just spend all your days brooding in the dark, but if you were Spider-man you’d get to web-sling around the city, have upside down kisses with beautiful red-heads and generally kick supervillan ass! So much more fun!

Would you rather be stuck on a broken ski lift or in a broken elevator?

A broken ski lift; I have a pathological hatred of elevators and one of my worst ever fears is getting stuck in one!

For your birthday, would you rather receive cash or gifts?

Gifts; they’re more personal, they’re more fun, and they come from the heart. Cash is just a whatever present. There’s no feeling or emotion attached to it. It’s just something you give when you can’t be bothered using your imagination to come up with something magnificent.

spiderman

…have upside down kisses with beautiful red-heads…


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Sunday Stealing: Swiped

It’s Sunday, so time once again for an installment of Sunday Stealing, which originated on WTIT: The Blog. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. Enjoy! :)

Do you need to write down things to remember them?

Usually I don’t, usually I just have a knack of remembering the essential things that need doing. But when it comes to grocery shopping, my ability to remember goes out the window, and it can often take several trips to the supermarket to remember what I initially went in to collect. Normally, this is toilet paper, which is frequently the item I forget to purchase. On one day a couple of years ago, I walked to the supermarket three times before remembering to purchase this rather essential item.

Do you keep a diary/journal?

Between the years 1993 and 2007 I was a prolific journaller. But all that changed after my abuser decided to attack my journal writing prowess, a prolonged attack that has stopped me from writing journals ever since. These days, you could form the argument that my blogging has become my journalling, but I don’t write my blog in the way I used to write my journals. And I miss those days spent venting my thoughts onto A5 lined paper, but I doubt I’ll be able to fight through the PTSD to restart my journal writing, such was the strength of her attacks.

Are you scared of thunderstorms?

Nope. I love thunderstorms. Absolutely, positively, love them! :)

Do you have any unusual fears or phobias?

I wouldn’t say I have any unusual fears or phobias, unless you count being afraid of people in general unusual. Most of my phobias (heights, spiders) are perfectly rational and very usual in nature.

Whats your favourite Disney movie?

This is currently a battle between the 90s classic Beauty and the Beast and the contemporary classic Tangled. I love both movies equally and struggle between deciding which one I prefer.

tangled

Tangled; do I prefer this, or Beauty and the Beast. I can’t decide! :/

Have you ever painted a house?

I’ve painted the interior of houses but never climbed a ladder to paint the exterior. Which is quite fortunate, given my fear of heights.

Whats the tallest tree you’ve ever climbed?

I honestly have no idea. I tend not to look at trees and go “ooooo, I’m going to climb that”. I tend to look at trees and admire their majestic beauty from afar.

Do you always wear identical socks?

Not always, no, but today, I am.

Do you live by any motto or philosophy?

Not really. The closest motto or philosophy that I try to live by is “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,”, which has seen me reject several people from my life who freaked out when things got bad and they couldn’t handle it. Was this the nice thing to do, probably not, but why should I waste time pretending to be okay when I’m not. If you want to be in my life, you have to accept things being ‘real’.

Do you lick the yogurt or dessert lid?

Yep. Why wouldn’t you?

Do you lick the spoon clean after making something sweet?

Yep. Again, why wouldn’t you?

Have you ever played the bongos?

I have. At a mental health retreat last year I took part in a drumming workshop that saw several people form a circle and beat upon drums for half an hour. It was slightly bizarre, did little for my mental stability and proved once and for all how lacking in rhythm I am.

Have you ever handled a snake?

I have. Whilst living in Alice Springs several years ago I was a frequent visitor to a Reptile Center, given I was dating one of its workers at the time, so on several occasions held a snake. I also held blue tongued lizards and the (quite frankly awesome) sleepy lizard.

DSC_0084

Proof that I’ve held a snake! (photograph taken in 2008)

Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?

Yep. Who hasn’t?

When did you last go to the beach?

I honestly can’t remember. How sad is that? Although I’m not what you would call a beach bunny I love being beside the ocean, and the fact the town I live in is hundreds of miles from the nearest beach is one of the reasons I dislike it so much. I miss going to the beach so much.

When if ever did you last go to London?

The last time I was in London was 2008, when I vacationed there for a couple of days whilst living in the UK. I spent my time roaming the back streets of Soho, exploring all manner of second-hand shops and paying a visit to the musical Spamalot, which was a mighty fine evening at the theater.

What do you do to cool down when its hot?

Cold showers; they’re a life saver during the 40 degree (celsius) days of an Australian summer.

What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever eaten?

I’m a simple man with simple tastes, so I tend not to eat anything altogether adventurous. Probably the most adventurous thing I’ve eaten is a mushroom, which I despised, and have never eaten them since. They are truly the worst of the fungi family.

Do you have a favorite mug?

Nope. I honestly can’t say that I do.

Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?

Nope. I’ve never been a sporty person so the desire to learn a martial art has never been high on my list of priorities. If I’m ever in a situation where I would need to defend myself, I would improvise with whatever was at hand, or just allow myself to be beaten to a pulp, whatever came first.

Who’s your favourite movie action hero?

Indiana Jones; the God of all adventure movies.

Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?

Nope. I honestly can’t say that I have.

Do you collect anything?

DVDs and Blu-Rays would probably be the thing I collect the most. I’ve had a love of film and television for as long as I can remember, so much so that the motion picture has become my primary coping method when I feel lost and adrift in life. There’s nothing like curling up in front of a good movie when life has got you down.

Wall_02

Not my DVD collection, but my idea of heaven! :)

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?

Books. How they ever went out of fashion is beyond me. There is nothing comparable (and yes, I’m looking at you ereaders!) to reading from a proper, paper bound, book.

Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?

I never stick to conventional fashions. I am my own person and damned proud of it.

Have you ever given someone a handmade present?

I have given several handmade presents in my life. Once, I made a friend a journal to write in, filling it with writing prompts and spaces to stick treasured photographs. On another occasion, I made a friend a framed Addy-original photograph. Whilst on other occasions, I have written stories specifically for people who I cared about, formulating the plot and characters around things that meant something to the recipient. Good times.


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Sunday Stealing: Very Much Questions Meme

After last weeks triumphant return to the world of Sunday Stealing, I’ve decided to make it a regular occurrence. So, welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. Enjoy!

1. What was the last clothing item that you bought?

Due to my rather unfortunate financial situation, I am reliant on the disability pension. For reasons best known to the Australian government, this isn’t a rather large amount of money, in fact, most people who are on it are living substantially below the poverty line. As a result, after taking into account rent, bills and other essential items such as food, there is very little money left for luxuries such as phone credit and clothing. After all, who knew that clothing was a luxury item in Australia? Anyway, as I don’t walk around naked all day (be still your beating hearts), I do have some clothing and the last item of clothing I purchased was a T-Shirt adorned with a Pac-man decoration. A T-Shirt that has been well received by the few people in my life, as well as complete strangers, who stop me in the street to compliment my rather awesome (and only $6) T-Shirt.

2. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you choose?

One of the problems with being the victim of abuse is that, quite commonly, you become stuck at the age you were when the abuse happened. For example, victims of childhood abuse can appear quite immature in their adulthood as they become stuck at that emotional age. For me, although I am 36 in physical age, I am perpetually trapped at 27, as this was the age I had reached when the abuse I received was at its peak. As such, I would answer this question with a ‘not for me’, I’m afraid, as it isn’t at all fun being stuck at a particular age; I promise you.

3. When you say “lol”, are you really laughing?

In all honesty, I rarely, if ever, use the abbreviation “lol”. But if I were to use it, I would absolutely be laughing, for if I wasn’t, I would be lying. And lying, as I was taught growing up, is a very naughty thing to do.

4. What is the most interesting thing you’ve done in the past year?

I have been trapped in a vicious, bothersome and unruly depressive episode for the last year, so my life hasn’t been all that interesting. In fact, it’s been a constant battle to even get out of bed in the morning, let alone do something interesting or productive with my time. But, in order to answer the question, I would say blogging has been the most interesting thing I’ve done in the last year, with this post in particular being a stand-out.

5. If you started a business, what would it be?

I have always wanted to have my own book or DVD store. But with the advent of e-readers and streaming services, neither industry is particularly viable these days, so my dream of my own little emporium will probably remain just that, a dream.

bookstore

6. Do your friends/family/coworkers know about your blog?

I have always been totally honest to my family about my blogging activities. In fact, when I began this blogging journey some seven and a half years ago now, I informed my parents about it almost instantaneously. Since then I have told my friends (most of whom vanished upon reading about my mental health issues) and anyone who comes into my life, including support workers, counselors and psychiatrists. Some of whom took it upon themselves to read my words and further try to understand the slightly warped and twisted world in which I exist.

7. How long does it take you to write an average blog post?

I would say it would take me about an hour to write my average blog post. But there are times that I put a lot more effort into what I’m writing, so can take hours or even days, to find the correct words to get my message across. These posts tend to be better than the ones I whip up in an hour, but that doesn’t mean they’re read more than the ones which were quicker to write, which is marginally annoying, to be honest.

8. How do you keep up with the blogs you follow?

I have my favourite blogs bookmarked and subscribed to, so I can easily access them through my Firefox toolbar. Other blogs I keep up to date with via the WordPress reader feature, which has undergone some changes over the years, and is now slightly annoying to use, but use it I do.

9. What is your bedtime?

Pre-hospitalisation, my bedtime was anywhere between midnight and 2am. Post-hospitalisation, my bedtime has been anywhere between 10pm and 10:30pm. This is because I no longer get anything out of being awake and want to spend as much time in my bed as possible. I have depression to thank for that!

10. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert; and proud of it!

introvert

11. What is your biggest wish?

To no longer be lonely. People tend not to understand how painful being isolated from society is, and even fewer people understand what it’s like to have no-one in your life, because most people tend to have at least one friend they can turn to. So yeah, if I had one wish, I would wish for the ability to talk to people, to make friends with people, and no longer have this crippling loneliness to deal with day-in, day-out.

12. What is the best job you ever had?

In hindsight, the best job I ever had was being the manager of a backpacker hostel in Melbourne. A job I left because I had become suicidal. Although I don’t miss it most of the time – mostly because of the fact I had become suicidal from working there – there are fleeting moments that I look back on that period with a song in my heart. I was good at the job and did some fantastic work there, which isn’t me being arrogant, just a rare moment of self-honesty.

13. Dog person/cat person/both/neither?

Cat person; I’ve never been a fan of dogs, but love (and respect) the independence and spirit of the humble feline.

14. If you had $1,000 to spend any way you wanted, what would you do with it?

I would probably head to the local clothes store and stock up on a variety of new (and not pre-loved) clothing options. Living beneath the poverty line isn’t fun, and I would love to be able to dress more the way I want to, rather than the way I’m forced to.

15. How do you “dress” your toast?

With butter and Vegemite; scrumptious!

vegemite

16. How do you feel about snow?

I love snow. It’s one of the things I miss most about living in Scotland. Back then, you could guarantee at least one decent snowfall that would have you rampaging around like a child making snow angels and hurling snowballs. But living in Australia, you don’t really get snow, and what snow you get, is pretty sodding pathetic.

17. What was the worst job you ever had?

Discounting paper rounds, which I don’t really classify as a job, I would probably say the worst job I ever had was being the manager of a backpacker hostel in Melbourne. However good I was at the job, and however much I am proud of the fantastic work I did there, working there turned me into a severely depressed, suicidal man…and that’s not a good thing. No it’s not.

18. What song can you not stop listening to?

19. Love your name or hate it?

The only thing I like about my name is that it’s the namesake of the patron Saint of Scotland. Other than that, I’m not overly fond of it. Magnus, on the other hand, I would be fond of that! :p

20. How did you choose your blog/twitter handle?

My blog handle (Addy) is basically a shortened version of my name. I’ve never liked Andy, so when someone started calling me Addy way back in 2006, I fell slightly in love with it and have used it ever since. Even though the person who christened me Addy turned out to be an emotionally abusive sociopathic narcissist. But I try not to hold that against her too much.


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Sunday Stealing: RaNdOm Meme

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing which originated on WTIT: The Blog. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. It’s been quite some time since I last ventured into the realm of Sunday Stealing, but I thought now was a good time to throw myself back into this wacky and random world. Enjoy!

willowoz

(1) Paying homage to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?

I would write “God” on a white sticker and adhere it to my chest, thus saving a fortune on costume rental and paying homage to Buffy the Vampire Slayer all at the same time.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger?

I rarely if ever eat red meat, but on the extremely rare occasions that I do, my hamburger would be topped with a fried egg, lettuce and cheddar cheese. And I would absolutely not, under any circumstances, have beetroot on my burger because beetroot is, quite honestly, disgusting.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

If I were to have lunch with the American President, I would ask him what his plans are for when he’s no longer in office? Is he going to wile away the hours playing Xbox or do something more productive with his time? But if I were to have lunch with the Australian Prime Minister I would ask him why, as minister for women, does he hate women? Which he clearly does!

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

My first day of any vacation is spent exploring the location I have chosen for my vacation. I will arm myself with a camera and nonchalantly stroll around the city – or countryside – taking random photos of buildings, landscapes and people. I will acclimatize myself with the geography of the area and do whatever it takes to feel ‘at one’ with my vacation spot. Sometimes I will visit the local museum or art gallery, to get a feel for local culture, and I will always purchase a book that was written by an author of the location I’ve chosen for my holiday. That’s just the way it is.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

I abhor anyone who spends the entire duration of a movie gorging themselves on candified food products, so will never, under any circumstances, purchase food to eat during a movie. If I did, I would be a hypocrite, and that is one thing I am not.

6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?

My Gmail account works wonders in keeping spam email at bay, but pop-up ads annoy the bejesus out of me whenever they appear.

7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?

I think his name was Captain Jonathan Magnus Hook; which is ironic, considering what was going to befall his hand.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. Just because.

9. Let’s say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?

I don’t have any children, so I would happily swear like a sailor if a brick was to fall on my foot, but on the hypothetical circumstance that I did have children my cleaned up swear word would be: fooglestumps, because it’s a word that doesn’t actually exist so could, theoretically, be the ultimate swear word.

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Easily a place that is too loud. My social anxiety causes me to hate noise with an absolute passion. Sometimes my neighbour plays music so loudly that I can hear every note, every beat and every lyric as if I were standing next to the speaker and it drives me completely bonkers. Similarly, if I’m trapped in a location populated by loud-talking individuals, my anxiety levels will go through the roof. So a quiet place is easily preferable for me. Plus, can a place really be too quiet, I think not!

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

Honesty.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Kola Kubes; because they were a particular favourite of mine as a child and I miss them dearly.

kola kubes

(12) Kola Kubes; a particular favourite of mine.

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

A water tower. It’s pretty nondescript and unremarkable. Although it’s no longer used as a water tower, these days it houses a shoe repair shop, but it is what it is.

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Anything that revolves around Kim Kardashian puts me to sleep. In fact, anything that revolves around the lives of so-called “celebrities”, bores me to absolute tears.

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?

I have never passed my drivers test, but I did take it twice when I was younger, and should have passed on the second attempt but my examiner was a complete tosser and failed me for no discernible reason.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

I tend not to have topping on my ice-cream, so I’m not sure what I would choose. Crushed biscuit perhaps, for a bit of texture.

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

Potatoes. I am obsessed with them.

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I am bipolar, so of course I would risk the second envelope, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself!

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?

I have neither, so you can’t miss what you don’t have.

20. What is your highest level of education?

My highest level of education is a certificate course, which would be TAFE for Australians and god-knows-what for Americans. Hopefully this will change, however, as I am considering venturing off to university later in the year.

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it’s been?

I don’t drive, so to be honest, have no real idea. Why retain information that you have no use for?

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

I honestly don’t remember, but knowing me, it was an Indiana Jones themed lunchbox because Indiana Jones is completely awesome!

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?

From those options, it would be housekeeper. When I’m in a depressive episode (which I’m currently in) housework is the last thing I want to be spending my life doing, so having someone keep the place spick and span would be quite wonderful. And may actually improve my mood!

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?

I hate elevators. And I mean hate with a fiery intense passion. I will do whatever I can to never venture into one, even if that means taking several hundred flights of stairs, so being trapped in one would be one of my worst ever nightmares!

elevator

(24) Being trapped in an elevator would be one of my worst ever nightmares!


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Getting to know me, getting to know all about me… (IV)

Recently, Marci (over at Marci, Mental Health and More) began a series of 100 questions designed to get to know someone better. As I’ve been blogging so infrequently lately I’ve decided to follow her lead and post my own answers to the questions. This way, people who’ve been following my blog for a while can get to know me a little better whilst newbies to my wonderful world can learn a few random things about me.

| Questions 1 – 26 | Questions 27 – 50 | Questions 51 – 75 |

76. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?

Anyone who’s ever spent any time with me would know I’m not fashionable. I’m much more at home shopping in op-shops than I am perusing the wares of the latest fashionable high street retailer. Plus, I steadfastly refuse to pay multiple hundreds of dollars for one item of clothing, a scenario that saw my abuser launch into an abusive tirade because I stood by my values and refused to pay $190 for a pair of jeans. So off the top of my head, clothing wise, I really couldn’t care less what came back into fashion because I would refuse to acknowledge it anyway.

The only thing that I wish would come back into fashion would be books. I know the world has gone cray cray for the eReader, but I am still very much old school when it comes to reading. I miss browsing bookstores (so many have closed down because of the eReader craze) and I love (absolutely love) holding a book in my hands, smelling the pungent smell of its musty pages, and turning each page as I delve further into the story. Yes, books need to make a comeback. They are so much more than stale text on a screen.

77. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I am an out-and-out proud introvert, always have been. This was another bone of contention for my abuser, for she couldn’t understand my pride in being an introvert. She saw it as a sign of weakness, as a sign that I was a ‘lesser human being’ and as  a sign that I wasn’t masculine enough. She spent large portions of time trying to turn me into an extrovert (something that was never going to happen) and became enraged when her plan to change me was failing; something she blamed me for, as I wasn’t working hard enough, which led to all manner of abusive tantrums. If only she could have realised there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, that rather than being something to feel shame about, it is something to feel pride about.

78. Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest?

If I had to pick one, I would say my hearing would be the strongest, but I can’t really decide why. Second to that would be touch, which I’m proud of.

79. Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise)

I mentioned in a previous installment of this epic question challenge that I have never been the recipient of a surprise. I also mentioned in the same installment that I have always wanted a surprise party. Perhaps one day I will have people in my life who cares enough to organise one.

80. Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous?

No. Not that it really matters. Unless I was related to Joss Whedon. In which case, of course it would matter! :p

books

(76) Yes, books need to make a comeback.

81. What do you do to keep fit?

I’m not the fittest person on the planet. My depression often prevents me from exercising as much as I would like. But that’s not to say I don’t do anything. I enjoy walking. I love cycling. And I do enjoy going to the gym as it’s a wonderful release for all sorts of inner turmoil and stress. I just can’t afford a gym membership at the moment.

82. Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken?

None that spring instantly to mind.

83. If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce?

Better funding for mental health and homelessness organisations. Because, let’s be honest, the way governments deal with these important and life threatening issues is truly shocking and something (anything) needs to be done to show these people more compassion, decency and create a better quality of life.

84. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?

Miss MacDonald would be up there as one of my favourite teachers. She was one of my first primary school teachers, and the honored recipient of one of my unsent letters. But then there was Ms Bennett, my high school geography teacher, a kind and wonderful soul with a magnificent body to boot. Boy, did I have a crush on her! :p

85. What three things do you think of the most each day?

i. My abusive relationship – thanks PTSD!
ii. My lack of a ‘life’ – thanks anxiety!
iii. My loneliness – thanks PTSD and anxiety!

86. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

“Conversations with this person may be brutally honest. You have been warned!” or the more simple “Caution: Mood Swings abound!”

87. What song would you say best sums you up?

88. What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee?

On a purely intellectual level, David Fincher, so I could get some pointers on how to be a stunning film director.

On a purely oh-my-gosh level, Jenna Louise Coleman, so I could do my level best to convince her I’m good boyfriend material.

89. Who was your first crush?

My first crush was a girl named Hannah (name has been changed to protect the innocent) when I was but eight years old. She was a magnificent human being who made me laugh and feel all sorts of strange stirrings. My overriding memory of Hannah was when we (for some reason) decided to pretend to be wolves and ended up wrestling in a gigantic pile of mud that was a feature of our hometown at the time. It was messy. It was dirty. It was damned fun. But then she moved a couple of hundred miles away so our playtimes ceased and nothing was to come of our burgeoning relationship.

90. What’s the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window?

There is literally nothing interesting out of my kitchen window. All there is, is another block of units and a few cars, one of which hasn’t moved in the three years I’ve been living here, and has become encased in a thick layer of dust and grime. It’s pretty disgusting.

91. On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are?

5. I’m not the funniest human being on the planet. Again, I think my depression has a lot to do with this. It’s hard being funny when the weight of the world is baring down on your shoulders every second of the day. I also think my anxiety has a lot to do with this, as it’s hard being funny when you’re too scared to tell a joke in case people laugh at you. Ironic, I know. When I am funny it is often in the realm of self-deprecation, something which annoyed the hell out of my abuser as she didn’t understand the black, bleak, dry comedy that I have mastered over the years. She was more into knock knock jokes and slapstick. You know, simple schtick.

92. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Alas, in much the same place I’m in now. Living in a town I don’t like. Haunted by an abusive relationship. Unable to form relationships and friendships. Alone. Miserable. Trying desperately to rebuild my life but knowing deep down that no matter what I do, it won’t work. Yay me!

jenna-louise-coleman

(88) On a purely oh-my-gosh level, Jenna Louise Coleman

93. What was your first job?

My first job was as a restaurant assistant at a motorway service station. For those not in the UK, a motorway service station is a large building on the side of a motorway that houses toilets, shops, a restaurant, fast food outlets and other entertaining diversions from a lengthy road-trip. The restaurant was overpriced (they always are) and served cardboard food and bitter coffee. But I did my utmost to service this overpriced cardboard food and bitter coffee with a smile on my face. It was a pretty shocking job that didn’t pay very well, but it did allow me to meet Jeremy Irons, who came in for coffee one evening with his family.

94. If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join?

Runrig; they’re my favourite group for a reason, and that reason is powerful song writing and intoxicating melodies.

95. How many languages do you speak?

One. Possibly two. And I say possibly because I used to be able to speak French, but it’s been so long since I did, I’m not sure I remember any of it. The only way to know for sure would be to strand me in France (or French-speaking Canada) and see what happens.

96. What is your favorite family holiday tradition?

No family holiday traditions for this family, I’m afraid.

97. Who is the most intelligent person you know?

Grace. For those not in know, Grace was a friend of mine before the breakdown and homelessness destroyed my social network. She is also the woman I let down in 2008 that has provided all sorts of grief and guilt in the intervening years. Her intelligence used to both stun and intimidate me, so much so that talking to her was difficult for me at times, as I’ve never considered myself a truly intelligent man so wasn’t on a level pegging with her.

98. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be?

I have to concur with Marci on this one, and say turtle. Turtles have long been one of my favourite animals, so much so that I’ve always wanted a pet turtle (whom I would name Magnus) so we can hide in our shells together. Failing that, a wombat, because they’re ruddy awesome! :)

99. What is one thing you will never do again?

Eat Brussel Sprouts; for they are truly disgusting and borderline inedible.

100. Who knows you the best?

Eight years of being brutally honest on this blog mean that you, my dear readers, know me best. Whether you like it or not! :p


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Getting to know me, getting to know all about me… (III)

Recently, Marci (over at Marci, Mental Health and More) began a series of 100 questions designed to get to know someone better. As I’ve been blogging so infrequently lately I’ve decided to follow her lead and post my own answers to the questions. This way, people who’ve been following my blog for a while can get to know me a little better whilst newbies to my wonderful world can learn a few random things about me.

| Questions 1 – 26 | Questions 27 – 50 |

51. Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?

Looks fade. They are also incredibly subjective. What is beautiful to one person is ugly to another. For example, I personally think Joe Maganiello isn’t that attractive, but I’m sure many people would disagree. So I would vote for intelligence all the time.

52. How often do you buy clothes?

Rarely. Though I should point out that this isn’t by choice. I would love to be able to buy more clothes, as having only two threadbare T-Shirts is somewhat frustrating. However, I am cursed to live off disability benefits, so after the essentials of rent, food and bills there is virtually no money left – even for charity shop clothing.

53. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Excuse me while I laugh myself silly. I have it on good (or rather, abusive) authority that I am the ugliest most repulsive person that has ever walked the face of the planet. In fact, according to my abuser, looking at me made her want to vomit. So the likelihood of me having a secret admirer is slim to none, mainly the latter.

54. What’s your favorite holiday?

I hate all holidays. I’m not a Scrooge or a miser, just someone who has been forced to protect himself from triggers at all costs, and I find holidays a particularly powerful trigger. They are generally seen to be times of the year that you spend chilling out with friends and family, and having no friends, and with my family on the other side of the world, it is just me. So I tend to try to ‘forget’ holidays as and when they come around, otherwise chaos will ensue.

55. What’s the most daring thing you’ve ever done?

I’m not a very daring person. I don’t like rollercoasters, I don’t like extreme sports, people who bungee jump are clearly idiots and those who jump out of planes must have several screws loose. So in answering this question I fear I will make myself look like a boring person. But, reading Shakespearian monologues in public places was pretty daring for a socially anxious person, as was travelling the breadth of Canada with very little money. Some would say walking up to a random woman and slapping her on the backside is a pretty daring thing to do (although others would, rightly, shower me with scorn for partaking in such a misogynistic act!) whilst others would (hopefully) agree with me when I settle on homelessness being the most daring (albeit unintentional) thing I’ve ever done.

56. What was the last thing you recorded on TV?

As I don’t receive television reception, it’s a fairly safe bet to say I don’t record anything on TV, otherwise I would just be recording a blank screen. My television is used exclusively for DVDs, Blu-rays and video games, nothing more.

57. What was the last book you read?

Justice Denied, by Robin Bowles. It is a true crime book concerning the disappearance and murder of a two-year old boy in Australia. Enthralling.

justice denied

(57) Enthralling

58. What’s your favorite type of foreign food?

I am a man of simple tastes, so the food I eat is generally simple and non-adventurous. I don’t have a taste for Chinese, Japanese or other national food stuffs. In fact, the only non-British type food I eat is Thai, and that’s predominantly coconut rice, tofu and vegetables. It may make me look simple, but that’s just how it is.

59. Are you a clean or messy person?

I tend to be a bit of both, depending on my mood. If I’m in the upside of a bipolar cycle I’m immaculate, because I’m cleaning all the time. But if I’m in the low-end of the cycle, I’m beyond messy, as I have neither the motivation or energy to do any cleaning.

60. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

Ahhhh, an excuse to share a link to one of my favourite posts: My life in a movie, in which I ruminate on what a movie of my life would be like. So why not go and read, it’s mightily entertaining. But as for the actual question, I would choose David Tennant to play me. A masterful, brilliant actor of tremendous depth.

david tennant

(60) David Tennant, a masterful, brilliant actor of tremendous depth.

61. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

If it takes me longer than five minutes to get ready there is something seriously wrong with me. Which at times, there is, as depression will often prevent me from getting out of bed, let alone getting myself ready to face the day!

62. What kitchen appliance do you use every day?

Kettle; I’m British, and as such, I like my tea! :)

63. What’s your favorite fast food chain?

The only fast food I will eat is Subway, because I love the Italian Herbs and Cheese bread and the old english cheese. I despise all other fast food outlets and will only eat at them when I am severely depressed and in a vicious ‘self-punishment’ mentality .

64. What’s your favorite family recipe?

Apple crumble; delicious!

65. Do you love or hate rollercoasters?

I hate rollercoasters. My life has too many ups and downs as it is, why would I want any more?

66. What’s your favorite family tradition?

I honestly cannot think of a single tradition my family has. When I was a kid, it always used to be the annual family gathering at Christmas, where food was consumed in vast quantities before merriment was had over board games and quizzes. Good times.

67. What is your favorite childhood memory?

The aforementioned Christmas gatherings would be up there as some of my favourite childhood memories, as would pretending to be wolves and playing in a big pile of mud with my first crush, playing Zelda on the SNES with Meadhbh offering backup, and performing as one of the ugly sisters in a primary school pantomime.

68. What’s your favorite movie?

Fight Club; a masterwork of direction, writing, acting and cinematography. Pure brilliance from beginning to end.

69. How old were you when you learned Santa wasn’t real? How did you find out?

I have absolutely no idea. That’s how much Santa used to mean to me! :p

70. Is your glass half full or half empty?

Always half empty. It’s depressing, but then, so is life.

71. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love?

Emigrated to the other side of the world, sacrificing my family, friends, home and country of birth in the process. All for a woman I would later discover was having an affair and didn’t want me to emigrate in the first place. Fun times.

fight club

(68) Fight Club, pure brilliance from beginning to end.

72. What three items would you take with you on a deserted island?

i. My favourite book, Quest for a Kelpie.
ii. A journal (one with an attached pen to write with).
iii. A swiss army knife.

73. What was your favorite subject in school?

I used to love Media Studies. In fact, it was one of the few subjects I ever used to look forward to. I also used to enjoy English, especially the creative writing and Shakespeare studying aspects of the subject. So why I didn’t do English for A-level is a question only my social anxiety can answer!

74. What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever eaten?

As I said above, I’m a very simple man, with very simple tastes. As such, I am not adventurous when it comes to eating. So I shall say jam.

75. Do you collect anything?

DVDs/Blu-Rays; as I said yesterday, film and television is one of my passions so it stands to reason I indulge in it from time to time. I also have a large collection of miscellaneous kink related paraphernalia that I’m mightily proud of, but I can’t go into that outside of a password protected post! :p