All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


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Day 06: The people I like and why I like them…

ilikeyou

I’ve spent four effing days trying to write this blog post! Three effing days of increasing anxiety over (shock horror) admitting that I actually like people! Is that really something I should be so ashamed of? Something I should chastise myself for? Hate myself for? I’m a human being FFS. In fact, regardless of what my voices, abuse trauma and annoying anxiety inform me, I’m a pretty freaking awesome human being!

I’m intelligent, passionate, creative, talented, generous, compassionate. (or so I like to think :p)

I’m a little weird-looking, sure, but ultimately I’m kinda cute. (I wouldn’t dare say hot! :p)

So what if I suffer from mental illness(es) and have a history of homelessness? These just make me a uniquely complex individual and are nothing I should be ashamed of. They’re certainly not things that deserve life-long isolation.

Yet when it comes to admit to the wider world that I meet people and think ‘yeah, you’re  pretty darn awesome, wanna grab a drink sometime?’ I feel as if I’ve just committed the ultimate sin. Contemplating that people like Addy Lake? Are they insane? How could they possibly like such an imbecile? Must be some sort of trap…!

Cue self-sabotage, self-hate and all sorts of things beginning with the ‘self’ prefix!

(Exasperated sigh)

Three days of writing the same explanation about how I can’t admit to who I like in case they read the blog, recognise themselves and formulate a plan of revenge for having me dare to think they’re awesome, interesting, gorgeous, fantabulous human beings I wouldn’t mind getting to know. Three days of wallowing in socially isolated I don’t deserve company bullshit. Three days of frustration that result in this somewhat out-of-character rant!

So, in rebellion of every pore of my being…mainly because I’m exhausted and sick of thinking that the world will collapse if I dare to admit I like people…without revealing who they are, here’s why I like who I like, platonic or otherwise ;)

(deep breath)

There’s someone who works in a local business that I personally think is gorgeous. Even though I’ve barely spoken to them, what little information I’ve gleaned makes me realise how cool they are, especially as they seem to have a bit of a geeky side. Yet I can’t say two goddamn words to them in fear of instigating the apocalypse!

I met someone recently whom I actually sustained a short conversation with. Their sense of humour is kick-ass, they had a great vibe and appear to be  immensely talented. Yet I can’t even message them online let alone imagine a real-life encounter!

I’ve known this person for quite a while and have liked them from day one. Never ‘like’ liked them, but liked them as a truly inspirational, awesome, platonic friend. Yet I can’t communicate with them in any way, shape or form because I was and am an ass.

There’s someone I talk to from time to time who makes me smile and laugh more than most can manage. They’re a beautiful and brilliant person that I think I could become good friends with. Yet, as always, I freak out when it comes to talking to them incase they realise how moronic I am…and in so doing fulfil my self-fulfilling prophecy of life-long isolation.

Finally, there’s someone I met very recently who appears to be pretty awesome and I’d love to get to know them as a friend. Yet…all of the above yets!

(exhale)

Now, after six odd years of being without social contact, how exactly do I re-teach myself how to communicate with people when communicating with people brings on anxiety and panic attacks?

On a related note, aren’t you glad you’re not me! :p

~|~

Ideas? Tips? Advice?
Seriously. Any helpful hints you awesome, inspirational people have on how to communicate with people would be appreciated.


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Day 03: What kind of person are you attracted to?

celebrity crushes_1-tileIn all honesty, I’ve always disliked questions like this; purely because there is no one type of person that I’m attracted to.

Casting a cursory glance over some of the celebrities I crush on (Karen Gillan, Vanessa Hudgens, Helen Mirren, Anjli Mohindra, Mary Lynn Rajskub and Lenora Crichlow) reveals a range of ages, colours and nationalities. Even comparing the women I’ve been in relationships with – and those whom I could have been in relationships with – reveal very few physical similarities.

In fact, the only thing they all have in common, is the only thing that attracts me to someone; their ‘energy’.

So however ‘new age’ that answer may sound, and however much it may make everyone groan, it’s really the only one I have.

When I first met Louise on that windswept Hebridean Island, I loved that she was shamelessly wearing every item of clothing she possessed to combat a cold she wasn’t used to. Many would have been too embarrassed or insecure to do such a thing, but not her. I loved that, hours after having met, upon hearing me sigh ‘fuck me’ under my breath (as an expression of exhaustion and my desire to retire to bed) she responded with a whispered ‘yes, please’; completely (and naughtily) aware I would hear her.

It was a similar confident, self-assured intelligence that drew me toward Kathy, Diane, Annie and Rachel. All are/were woman who knew exactly who they were and steadfastly defended their opinions and beliefs.

For example, Samantha, unlike me, had pushed past the insecurities of her sexual proclivity and embraced it. She didn’t care about what other people thought, whether they considered her ‘evil’, ‘repulsive’ or ‘an enemy to feminists’. She cared only about being true to herself and the desires that burned within her.

So if you came here hoping I would be waxing lyrical over my love of a woman’s eyes, writing reams of text describing my passion for the female posterior or concocting some fantasized wish list for my ‘perfect’ (i.e. doesn’t exist) woman, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

The simple truth is, all the women I’ve been attracted to – be it on a platonic or sexual level – have all been strong, intelligent, driven human beings. Women who refuse to be bound by the sexist demands of society and are not afraid to fight for all they believe in. The sort of women that men’s rights extremists (MREs) seem to be so afraid of.

 

Tomorrow: What I wear to bed?
(where we’ll find out if I can turn such a simple question into an interesting and insightful post!)