All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


25 Songs, 25 Days: Abattoir Blues

Day 19: The first song alphabetically in your iPod/iTunes

Abattoir Blues | Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds


I ruminated on my love of Nick Cave only a few days ago. His music is full of emotion, rife with exquisite rhythm and chock full of intelligent, despairing lyrics. Abattoir Blues, from the album of the same name, is no exception.


25 Songs, 25 Days: Into My Arms

Day 18: A song that you love but rarely listen to

Into My Arms | Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds


Before I met Louise, the only music I really listened to was film soundtracks, Bryan Adams and Meatloaf. Music was something that hadn’t really entered my life, not in the way that film had. Years into our relationship Louise surmised that film was to me, what music was to other people. When I felt depressed, down, sad, stressed, upset, rather than slip on a CD to ease the pain, I would slide in a DVD. Film was something that offered solace, comfort and happiness in times of great, overwhelming sadness. Film had, after all, seen me through my depression filled teenage years – something music had not.

But after meeting Louise, after learning of the extent music played in her life, I began broadening my musical horizon. Where once I would walk into a shop and buy a movie, I would now walk into a shop and buy a CD. Runrig, Ani DiFranco, Martyn Bennett, The Walkabouts, Jeff Buckley; music was now beginning to play a major role in my life.

Of all that artists Louise introduced me to during the early months of our relationship, one stood out; Nick Cave. I fell in love with not only the man’s music, but the man himself. I loved his wit, his intelligent lyrics and soulful, haunting voice. I loved his compositions, his melodies and overall demeanor. From album to album I fell more in love with the man until, sometime in mid 2003, I pronounced him one of my favourite musicians.

Of all his songs there is one that stands out to me. Not only because it is one of his best tracks, but because it was Louise’s favourite. Like Hallelujah, this piece of music defines my relationship with Louise, which is why I rarely listen to it. I love the song. I love everything about it. But it’s too triggering, too close to my heart for it to be any comfort. It reminds me of Louse and everything we had together.

But every now and then, when I feel strong enough to deal, I play it.

And fall in love with Nick Cave – and Louise – all over again.

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25 Songs, 25 Days: Babe, I’m on Fire

Day 06: A song that reminds you of a best friend

Babe, I’m on Fire | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds


To understand Samantha you have to understand one thing; she was a spanking aficionado. She passionately loved everything and anything to do with spanking. She liked looking at spanking art, adored watching spanking movies and cherished being spanked herself. She wasn’t a pain slut. That’s not why she liked being spanked. She liked being spanked because she had a genetic urge to have someone smack her (as she called it) naughty little bottom.

So when we met in Adelaide, when I was lost to the nightmare of a manic phase, and obsessed with slapping as many female posteriors as I could, it was a match made in heaven. Within hours of us meeting she had manipulated herself over my knee for a playful spanking session in the middle of an Adelaidian park. But then she left to continue her travels and my manic self moved on to finding another play partner.

Four months later I was sitting in front of a computer. My manic phase had long since ended and I was consumed with a nightmarish depression. I was homeless. I was destitute. I was lost. Waiting for me when I logged onto Facebook was a message and a friend request. Both were from someone named Samantha Campbell. I had no idea who she was or how she found me, so when I read the message, a beautifully written question as to whether I was the same Andrew Lake who spent the evening with her in Adelaide, I was taken aback. I had little to no memory of Adelaide, especially the time I spent when I was manic. I didn’t accept the friend request, but I did respond to her message, asking for more information. Within days she had responded with an equally beautifully written tale of bottom slapping, endless conversation, spank bets and spanking. She even included photos; photos of me, with a ravishingly beautiful woman she identified as herself. After reading her latest missive, I accepted her friend request.

For months we communicated with each other online, exchanging emails, Facebook posts, comments and endless MSN chats. She filled in my missing memories of Adelaide, we discussed my mental health and dissected what I had been writing on my blog. But we also did other things. We chatted about our mutual love of spanking, we indulged our fantasies with cyber-spanking sessions and shared personal, intimate fantasies we had both been harboring for years. Through these online sessions we became firm friends. She was often the first person I thought of when waking up in my park, and the last person I thought of as I bedded down with my blanket for the night. Unlike every other friend I’d ever had, Samantha knew me, intimately, because I hid nothing from her. Not my mental health. Not my fantasies. Not my kink.

Upon returning to the UK in early 2008 I knew what I wanted to do. Samantha was back in Stirling, studying fashion and design, so I wanted to see her. I wanted us to be face to face, sharing ourselves in person, instead of through fibre-optic cabling. It took months to organise. Months that we spent continuing to chat online, email each other almost daily and getting to know each other on deeper, murkier levels. Nothing she learned about me seemed to phase her. She just accepted it. Accepted me. In April of that year we finally matched our calendars and I jetted off to Glasgow for a reunion with someone I had gotten to know so well. It was awkward at first, but within hours we were comfortable around each other, gleefully playing off each others words, happily teasing and playing in the cultural capital of Scotland.

And no reunion with Samantha would have been complete without spanking playing a pivotal role. She had written to me before we met, asking if I would be willing to help her fulfill a lifelong dream. It took me a while to come around, to be confident enough within myself to perform her desire, but I agreed. And in a hotel, late one evening, I took Samantha over my knee and gave her a jolly good spanking. It wasn’t abuse. It wasn’t assault. It was two consenting adults sharing in a mutual passion. And she (and I) loved every second of it.

In order to mask the noise of our indulgence we hooked up an iPod to play music throughout our session. It was Samantha, always with a heavy sense of irony, who chose the song. And it is a song that – no matter when or where I hear it – reminds me of the time I spanked Samantha Campbell.

It is the anthem of our friendship. A song that fills me with warmth, happiness, joy and contentment. A song that reminds me that, no matter what, it is the people we meet who have the greatest influence on our life. Samantha accepted me for who I was. She didn’t try to change me. She didn’t want me to pretend to be someone different. She wanted me to be Andrew; mental health, kink and all.

That’s why she will always be one of my best friends. If not my bestest friend.

You can read more about my friendship with Samantha in these posts:

~ One Night in Adelaide ~
~ One Day in Glasgow ~
~ Dearest Samantha ~
~ [NSFW] If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner [NSFW] ~
~ [NSFW] I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination [NSFW] ~


There She Goes My Beautiful World

Hello everyone,

Andrew’s had a bad day today so I’m taking it upon myself to cheer him up. He feels guilty that he didn’t go to the gym this afternoon. He said he was going to go on a Monday, on a Wednesday and on a Friday, but he didn’t go today because he was feeling too sad. Vanessa was being really mean to him and it upset Andrew to the point he was unable to leave the house. He just argued with Vanessa and scared me with how much he raised his voice and all the shouting he was doing. I don’t like it when Andrew gets like that. He says it is PTSD. He says he is trying to control it and I know that he is but I don’t like it because he gets upset and sad and isn’t happy. I like Andrew when he’s happy and laughing. He has a cute laugh. You’d like his laugh. Maybe I’ll record it one day and play it to you. But I won’t record his arguments with Vanessa because they scare me and I don’t want to scare you. So here is a music video that I like. It makes me happy to hear this song and I know it makes Andrew happy to. Hopefully he won’t mind me writing this today and telling you he has had a bad day. I don’t think he’s a failure and I hope you don’t think he is either. He was just sad today, that is all. So here is the music video that I like. It is by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and is called There She Goes My Beautiful World. Big hugs to you all.

Love you all.
Meadhbh xxx

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Three favourite songs of 2013


– in no particular order –


Push the Sky Away | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

I’ve been a long-time fan of Nick Cave, so when he released a new album earlier in the year I was first in line to listen to it…and I wasn’t let down. It is – like all his previous work – a masterwork of musical genius, and this track in particular is dark, thrilling and downright intoxicating; an absolute classic.


Roar | Katy Perry

Meadhbh wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I didn’t include her favourite song of 2013 on this list. Over the last few months I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve endured listening to her roar along to this track. Sure it’s light, frothy and (somewhat) annoying pop music; but it’s undeniably catchy and entertaining! :)


Haxan | Ella Hooper

Many moons ago I would tune in to comedy music panel show Spicks and Specks on a regular basis. Partly because it was so darned entertaining and partly because  I hoped Ella Hooper would make a guest appearance. Fortunately, on a number of occasions, she did! Whilst Spicks and Specks lives on only in repeats, Ella Hooper’s musical output continues. This year she released a new solo album that is dreamy, atmospheric and haunting; simply a must-hear!

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Music for Monday: Here Come the Sirens ’cause Babe, I’m on Fire

The thirty-day song challenge continues with two songs that remind me of things both good and bad.

A song that reminds me of summer

Here Come the Sirens | My Friend the Chocolate Cake

As I am about to enter another blistering Australian summer, my mind has been drifting to a song I discovered during my first summer in this sun-baked land. Here Come the Sirens, more than any other song, reminds me of the grotesque summer months in this otherwise tolerable land.

I lay back in the room with dark red curtains,
Wake up to the trucks outside my door,
Short of sleep.
And the sky tonight it’s a deadly one,
It hardly lets us breath,”

A song that reminds me of my best friend

Babe I’m on Fire | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Why this song reminds me of my now sadly deceased best friend, Samantha, is a little too personal to share in a non-password protected post. Needless to say, it was one of the greatest fifteen minutes of my life and this is one of my favourite pieces of music of all time! :p

The man going hiking says it
The misunderstood Viking says it
The man at the rodeo
And the lonely old Eskimo says
Babe, I’m on fire
Babe, I’m on fire”


032. Musical Memories (via Britney Spears, The Fratellis, Nick Cave and Spam)

Thankfully, today’s post for the 365 Day Challenge is on a lighter note than recent writings. However important it is for me to write the heavier self-analysis posts, sometimes I just want to do something a little silly.

When it came to this prompt I was worried. My music collection is nowhere near as extensive as it used to be (at one time bordering on a quarter of a million tracks across 90ish genres!) These days it consists mostly of sentimental songs that I put on an MP3 player many years ago that I recently re-obtained courtesy of my parents and the postal system.

Hence, the majority of the ten that are about to be played will come with dozens of memories of better and happier times. Not a bad thing in itself, may even put a smile on my face!

So, let us begin!

Track 01: Right Out Of Your Hand (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds; from the album Nocturama)

Before I met Louise I had absolutely no idea who Nick Cave was and my only knowledge of bad seeds was the paranoid fear I used to have of an apple tree growing out of my stomach should I accidentally swallow an apple pip.

After Louise played me the classic Into Your Arms I became an admirer then, with each successive trip through his back catalogue, a lover. By the time the album Nocturama was released I was a bone-fide fan.

Memories that come whenever I hear Nick Cave: Louise (obviously) given she introduced me to him in the first place and an old friend who was a huge fan of his work. Also, the handlebar mo I grew for Movember one year!

Track 02: Are You F*cking Kidding Me (Kate Miller-Heidke from the album Live at the Hi-Fi)

With the possible exception of My Friend the Chocolate Cake, Kate Miller-Heidke is my all-time favourite Australian singer/songwriter. My introduction to her came courtesy of the Port Fairy Folk Festival in 2006. I remember being completely blown away by vocal range and the sheer brilliance of her lyrics.

Memories that come whenever I hear Kate Miller-Heidke: sitting just behind her whilst watching Colin Hay play at the festival in 2006 and taking my parents to see her at the Spiegeltent in Melbourne later that same year.

Track 03: (You Drive Me) Crazy (Britney Spears; from the album …Baby One More Time)

Told you…eclectic! Even though I should be ashamed to admit it, I’m a huge Britney fan. Her music makes me smile, and brings back all sorts of memories of drunken evenings in the late 1990s. Plus, I always want to dance (badly) when I hear some of her tracks.

Memories that come whenever I hear Britney Spears: stripping in the cage of a nightclub during a wild drunken evening, stripping in a pub during a different wild drunken evening and the endless teasing from people with musical tastes much better than my own whenever I tried to defend her music.

Track 04: A Girl Who’s No One Else (Emma Tonkin; from the album The Anchor and the Alabatross)

An album I purchased many years ago for one reason and one reason only; that I knew the singer. She was a friend of Louise who I barely knew but out of some random sense of support purchased the album. Without wanting to sound biased, it has been a particular favourite of mine for coming on five years now. Proven by the fact I have held onto it despite years of nothing.

Memories that come whenever I hear Emma Tonkin: sitting in the middle of the Ness Islands listening to this album on an MP3 player reminiscing, a brief Alexander Technique lesson Emma gave me once when her client didn’t appear and Louise.

Track 05: Love You All (Cloud Cult; from the album Feel Good Ghosts (Tea Partying Through Tornados)

This just reminds me of sleeping in the Kings Domain wishing every minute that I were dead. I used to spend my days in the Melbourne City Library sifting through their CD collection picking up random albums and listening to them during my one hour a day internet session.

Most were uninspiring garbage that didn’t resonate with me in any way shape or form but this album got to me, big time, and in the years since has become not only an anthem for that period of my life but also an album that, even though it was lost long ago, shone a tiny beacon of hope into my soul.

Memories that come whenever I hear Cloud Cult: losing hope whilst homeless.

Track 06: 3 Sheeps to the Wind, Part I (Martyn Bennett; from his self-titled album)

Martyn Bennett is one of the great Scottish musicians of all time. A truly gifted soul who tragically lost his life to cancer in 2005 . A true one of a kind, and a man I greatly admire in so many ways.

Memories that come whenever I hear Martyn Bennett: travelling around Scotland in February 2008, sitting in an alley off Little Bourke Street after being so blown away by one of his tracks I had to sit down.

Track 07: Harvard Blues (Count Basie; from the album Basie Blues)

I became aware of Count Basie whilst concocting a play list for my then friend/future abuser’s 21st birthday party. Over the course of several days she threw nearly 10,000 tracks of music in my direction and expected me to whittle it down to a three hours playlist. Part of this included transferring nearly thirty CDs onto my computer that she’d borrowed from a friend, several of which were Count Basie.

I worked on that playlist from 7pm until 5am, and then woke myself at 6am to continue working on it until 11am, all because I wanted this person to have as wonderful a 21st as people had given me.

Memories that come whenever I hear Count Basie: spending those fifteen odd hours trying to make a cohesive playlist that went from 20s era jazz to naughties top 40 classics and the old friend whose CDs introduced me to such wonderful, beautiful music.

Track 08: Chelsea Dagger (The Fratellis’ from the album Costello Music)

Following two weeks in Scotland in 2008 I flew from Glasgow to Gatwick to spend a long weekend with my brother and future sister in law. On the Friday evening they whacked on Singstar, cracked open the alcohol…and forced me to sing. This was the song my brother and I nailed with absolute perfection. Or at least that’s how I remember it.

Memories that come whenever I hear The Fratellis: that Singstar session!

Track 09: Diva’s Lament (from the musical Spamalot)

There are no words to describe how much I love this song. In fact I love it so much I’m tempted to undergo a sex change, learn how to sing, spend months working out so I’m a sizzling hot piece of ass, trawl through an audition process and overcome my anxiety – all so I can sing this song in front of a full theatre audience.

Track 10: Naked (Louise; from the album Naked)

This was the first single I ever purchased, much to the chagrin of my music loving father. Whenever I’m asked the question ‘what was the first single you ever purchased?’ I tend not to answer. Unfortunately, the follow up question is usually ‘ok, what was the first album you ever purchased?’


Look…she was hot, I was a hormonal teenager, the album was called Naked…I’m allowed to have one moment where I bow to malicious corporate marketing ploys aren’t I?

Memories that come whenever I hear Louise: you really – really – don’t want to know! :p