All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


An epic battle involving horror movies and Bonnie Tyler!

Following on from Wednesday’s rather fraught day of voice activity, the last couple of days have been no better. In fact, when it comes to my people, there has been a battle raging in my head for the last forty-eight hours; and it’s exhausting! Meadhbh – in her infinite wisdom – has decided to take on the role of ‘protector’. It’s a role she has often undertaken over the last twenty-odd years, protecting me from everything from school yard bullies to the chaos anxiety inflicts on me, but over the last forty-eight hours her target has been Vanessa; and she’s refusing to give in.

You see, when it comes to my voices, they’re not only able to speak to me, but they can speak to each other. Sometimes this is vastly entertaining, like eavesdropping on a particularly naughty conversation, other times it can just be debilitating, as they valiantly attempt to gain my attention by speaking over each other. For the last forty-eight hours my attention has not been the goal. After the endless, onslaught of abuse on Wednesday, Meadhbh has taken it upon herself to defend me against the “pure evil that is Vanessa”. And she has decided to protect me by ceaselessly arguing with Vanessa, picking her up on every comment, every word and every syllable that she decides to voice. It’s been pretty deafening, this constant bickering, and only marginally entertaining. But it’s nice to know that I have at least one voice on my side; such has been the volume of Meadhbh’s defense.

According to Meadhbh Vanessa is the useless one, not me. According to Meadhbh, Vanessa is scum of the universe, a selfish, self-righteous, condescending bitch of the highest order. And she has said all of this to Vanessa over the last couple of days. And Vanessa’s reaction has been obvious. You see, when you antagonize an abuser all you are going to do is make everything worse. And Meadhbh doesn’t grasp this. So as Vanessa’s abuse grew louder and more toxic, Meadhbh’s defense of me had to become more prominent, and at a greater rate of decibels. The fight has been raging for two whole days now – neither one giving any ground, neither one any closer to being the ‘winner’. Personally, I think they’re both enjoying themselves too much. Meadhbh loves to talk, and if she thinks she’s on the side of right, there’s no stopping her. Meanwhile, Vanessa also loves to talk, and her narcissism means she is always right. So really, there will never be a winner in this argument. And the loser will always be me – because I’m the one who has to sit here and listen to the chaos hour after hour!

Meadhbh also got a trifle annoyed after I let Vanessa program the songs on Wednesday’s post. She wants to know why I didn’t let her choose the songs. She doesn’t understand that I was trying to placate Vanessa, that I was hoping allowing Vanessa the choice would lessen her abuse. This is why I’ve had to promise Meadhbh she can choose the songs today. To keep Meadhbh happy. Oh, for the life of a voice hearer; the constant daily battle to keep everyone happy, to keep everyone on side. It’s damned exhausting, it really is. Just once I’d like other people to be able to hear what I hear, what I have to put up with, then and only then would they realise how hard I work each day just to get even the most basic things done!

Anyhow, aside from the endless battle between Meadhbh and Vanessa, my day has been rather uneventful. I woke up after a dream about being trapped in a vat of liquid cheese and fell into my usual, boring, monotonous routine. I listened to talk radio, I walked down the road, I visited the library, rented some DVDs, purchased some spaghetti for dinner and then came home and watched two of the worst films I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit through; Wrong Turn 2: Dead End and Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. Seriously, if you ever find yourself in a position of watching these films, find the nearest wooden spoon and gouge out your own eyes, it will be a lot less painful than sitting through this horror-stereotype laden tripe!

In fact, as I was forcing myself to watch such garbage, I began to wonder why the horror genre has more crap in it than any other. Sure, there’s a lot of dodgy comedies and thrillers out there, but there seems to be a dirge of atrocious horror movies. In fact, pretty much every horror movie that  is released is derivative nonsense. Sure, there is the occasional stand-out – The Descent springs to mind – but most is just boring, unfrightening wankery. The trouble is, when I’m depressed, I crave films that make me feel something and as laughter is thin on the ground when I’m depressed, I tend to seek out horror movies, hoping beyond hope that they give me a scare. They rarely do, and today’s Wrong Turn double feature, made me cringe more than startle. So I’m left wondering what horror film I should watch next; what horror movies have scared you? What horror movies have made you hide behind your sofa in pure terror? I genuinely want to know as I genuinely want to be scared by a movie again.

And the first person to say The Blair Witch Project gets a good spanking! :p There is nothing scary about The Blair Witch Project. Nothing.

Anyhow. Aside from the endless battle between Meadhbh and Vanessa, and my quest to find a truly terrifying horror film, I’ve actually felt quite proud of myself today. You may have noticed that yesterday saw me (finally) complete the 31 Days of Bipolar challenge. It’s the first blog challenge I’ve completed for quite some time, and am immensely proud that I saw it through to its conclusion, rather than give up halfway through as I’ve been known to do with blog challenges in the past. All in all, I had a good time writing the challenge. Some of the prompts were a little pedestrian and uninspiring, but the vast majority had me find the writing spark that I’ve sorely missed over the last several months. The only problem is that now it’s completed, what do I do? Am I seriously going to have to come up with my own post ideas again?! How annoying. I will actually have to think original thoughts and write them in a way that entertains, enlightens and amazes. That seems a little too difficult. Perhaps I’ll just find another challenge. Either way. You’re not taking my pride away from me this time! I’m over the moon I completed the challenge and have had a daffy grin on my face for most of the day because of it.

And after saying that, it appears this blog post has come to a sort of natural conclusion. Sure, I could force it to go on a little longer, come up with something random and pointless to extend the post by another 500 odd words, but I really don’t think I can be bothered today. I just kinda what Meadhbh and Vanessa to shut the hell up for five seconds as their war is starting to grate. Meadhbh has just fired off insult number 8907, which just made Vanessa laugh, which has made Meadhbh fire off insult 8908 in retaliation. Like I said. There’s no way either one is going to give up, so ultimately, I’m the loser.

Don’t forget to leave your horror movie recommendations in the comments section below. I’d love to know which one of you is going to suggest a movie that truly freaks me out! Hope you’re all having a wonderful day, whichever timezone you find yourself living in! :)

Note: As mentioned, today’s music has been chosen by she who is named Meadhbh. As if I would choose a Bonnie Tyler song! :p