All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


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I really hate change

One thing I don’t deal with very well is change. I think this is something that many people with mental health problems can probably relate to. I, like many, need some semblance of routine and order in my life. When something comes along that unsettles the carefully balanced apple cart of my life, my brain is sent scattering like the aforementioned apples bouncing away from the safety of their cart.

Yesterday, I discovered that change is afoot, and I am not coping with it at all. In fact – given how depressed, lost, confused and alone I’ve been feeling over the last several weeks – I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, truth be told.

Basically, the mental health organisation I’ve been utilising over the last eighteen months has had its funding pulled by the government; which means I will be losing my support worker in mid-late June. This may not sound like much, but it took me a long time to build a trusting relationship with this person and the thought of losing their support has totally freaked me out.

I have no idea how this is going to impact on my life. I’ve been told they will try to help find me a new support worker via a different organisation, but this is fraught with difficulties (given my lack of psychiatric support and anxiety issues) and may ultimately amount to nothing.

In fact, all I do know at the moment is that I’m not happy about the change and wish it wasn’t happening.

But it is… :(

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I wonder how a battery feels when it pours electricity into a non-conductor?

 This post was written as a Stream of Consciousness on 15 March 2013 (beware those Ides! :p) between 20:38 – 21:09. Apologies for any grammatical/spelling errors that occur, they are part and parcel of stream of consciousness writing.

exhaustion

The title of this post comes from a quote by the late (great) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The full quote is:

I am somewhat exhausted;
I wonder how a battery feels when it pours electricity into a non-conductor?”

And I’ve bolded the first four words because it amply describes exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Ever since forcing myself out of the nightmare that was DecJanFeb I have been pushing myself harder and harder in so many directions I’ve forgotten which way is south.

Canny readers of my blog will have noticed that my postings have become a daily assortment of questionnaires, memes and random photographs not of my taking. Even cannier readers of my blog may also have worked out that the vast majority of these posts are written well in advance of publication.

Over the last few weeks I’ve sat down on a Friday evening, whipped out my daily posts for the week and scheduled them for publication. Is this cheating? Not really. They are still products of the warped, kinky and occasionally brilliant mind of me. They are just not written when people may think they were written. Instead, during these moments, I am usually spread-eagled on the floor dribbling onto my carpet wishing my traumatized mind would allow me a few hours of peace for a good night’s sleep.

The simple fact is, for the last several weeks I have barely stopped for breath.

If it’s not social groups where I whip ass at scrabble (285 points this week from playing five words), it’s lengthy conversations with my support worker about my not-so-merry-band of voices.

If it’s not hearing voices support groups where I sit in the corner terrified of making a sound, it’s lengthy conversations with my not-so-merry-band of voices about my support worker.

Throw in the work books I’m working through (Hearing Voices, Mindfulness, Mind Over Matter and Self-Harm), the munches I’m attending (two in the last month) and the ongoing duel with my social anxiety, there is no time left for me or that most beautiful of states, relaxation.

Emails are stacking up unanswered because after logging onto the computer I fall sleepily off the chair, DVDs I want to watch are stacking up because I can’t find a spare ninety minutes to watch a movie and my health issues are stacking up because there’s only so much the mind and body can take without respite.

Hell, I don’t even have the energy to click the mouse button to display images of excellent bottoms on my monitor! And when you’re too out-of-it to use the internet for what is was designed for, you know you have a problem with exhaustion! :p

In fact, I’m so tired that I’ve contemplated turning to coffee because it seems to work for everyone else. To hell with the fact it would probably make me violently vomit, if it allows me to be awake long enough in the evening to do something productive, it’s a price I think I’m willing to pay!

But it’s not really just the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion that’s getting me all down and distracted. I’m proud of the efforts I’m making to put myself out there and tackle head-on some of the serious problems I need to hurdle in order to continue my journey along the road to recovery.

It’s that it doesn’t feel like I’m actually getting anyway.

I don’t feel like my anxiety has improved, in fact, because of the exhaustion, it’s getting worse. My voices are as confusing, demanding and abusive as ever; Meadhbh aside, but we’ll get to her odd behavior in another post! My mood swings are still uncontrolled and volatile. Whilst my urges to turn to self-medicating behavior (alcohol, cigarettes and self-harm) are getting harder and harder to withhold; I am, after all, using a lovely little Sauvignon Blanc (such beautiful hints of lemon and passionfruit) to fuel the writing of this stream of consciousness. :/

And then there are the things that I’ve had to turn down, things that would actually make me feel like I’m getting somewhere.

Tonight I was invited to a party in Melbourne, a party where there was a 99.9% chance I would have crossed item one (item one…ONE…FFS!!!) off my bucket list! A party I had to turn down from attending because I couldn’t afford the $15 return train fare to Melbourne.

In two weeks, the organisation I use for my social groups are going on a two night camp, a camp that I was originally hoping to attend but now believe I will have to turn down because I have been receiving letters threatening to cut my electricity and gas off due to unpaid bills.

Throw in the invitation to coffee I had to turn down last week due to my anxiety, the invitation to lunch I turned down today because of my exhaustion and the library led Scrabble tournament (that there’s a good chance I would have won) I had to miss yesterday because of anxiety and exhaustion, and I’m left wondering why I even bother.

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Loudly!

There are so many reasons I’m writing this blog post and none of them are for advice and/or sympathy. Not that I would expect any anyway…I’m tired – exceedingly, dribbleingly, so – but tired nonetheless. A perfectly normal, perfectly understandable human emotion that anyone undertaking the sheer volume of work I’m currently doing would be feeling.

I think I just need to prove to myself I still have an ‘emotional’ blog post in me. One that I write and post without scheduling. One that reflects who I am and what I’m feeling. One that will hopefully get me writing more thoughtful, analytical, unique posts again.

So, for the first time in months, if you’ll permit me, I’ll end this post with a list of six things I’d like to achieve this week. Perhaps this way, I will find a way to better manage my time, gift myself some ‘self-love’ and be able to stop this downward spiral into depressive emotional exhaustion.

Six things I’d like to achieve this week:

  • Have at least one night where I get at least three hours sleep.
  • I’ve had Zelda: Twilight Princess sitting in the corner of my room since purchasing the second-hand Wii over two weeks ago. Given my passion for all things Hyrulian, my crush on Midna and my life-long love bromance with Link…how have I not played this game yet? It will make me happy, it will make me feel something other than blarrrraggghhhhhh, it will be doing something wonderful for myself. Thus, this week, I vow to at least get to the point where Link must spank the evil monkey with his sword…and I mean that quite literally! :p
  • Write the first in my series of planned posts around the Mindfulness techniques I have been working through in order to deal with my trauma. I think this is something many people may find useful, for it’s certainly been helping me! :)
  • Write at least two other ‘non meme, questionnaire etc’ posts. This is something that really shouldn’t be all that hard considering I currently have 68 half-written drafts in my WordPress posts folder!
  • Spend at least thirty minutes using the internet for what it was designed for! What? I did say only a few moments ago I needed to gift myself some ‘self-love’! It’s perfectly natural! ;)
  • Clear my email inbox, which is starting to look like the online equivalent of this photograph!

paperfilledoffice

Hope you are all well and slightly less exhausted than I am at the moment! :)