All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


The (surprisingly) Easter free Sunday Stealing!

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes.

Today we ripped off a TWO bloggers first: Jason Crouch from the blog the Austin Dude. The second: 2nd Cup of Coffee from the blog 2nd Cup of Coffee.

~ ♦ ~

1: Who is your favorite Musical Artist from when you were a teenager?

2: Who is your favorite game show host?

I can’t recall the last game show I watched, let alone one I’ve watched with such religious fervour that I developed a ‘favourite game show host’ over.

3: Who is your favorite Blog hosting service?

Wow, you’ve found me out, I use WordPress because I think it’s the worst Blog hosting service out there. Who would have figured! :p

4: If you could meet anyone again from your childhood, who would it be?


The girl who first stole my heart, the girl who first pecked my eager lips, the girl with whom I used to roll around in mud pretending to be wolves with.

5: Where did you want to live when you were growing up?

Scotland…then, when I was a little older, Canada.

So why I decided to move to Australia is a question I can no longer answer.


Life Regret #1…I should have moved here! :(

6: What is the most interesting piece of Trivia that you know?

It may not be the most interesting, but it is topical…that the ’69 in the song that you’re now all singing courtesy of my answer to question (1) is not a reference to the year, but to the sexual position and making love in the summertime! ;)

7: If you could live in any point of history when would it be and why?

The 1960s…as I could have auditioned for a role in Doctor Who and, regardless of my success in this endevour, enjoyed campagning in the second wave of women’s liberation.

8: What is the most interesting job you have ever had?

I’ve never had an interesting job…unless you count getting annoyed by the appalling taste in movies of most people in South Wales or bowing to the whims of every spoilt backpacker in the Southern Hemisphere as interesting, which I don’t!

9. Please share one middle school memory. It can be good, bad, ugly, funny. Pictures or words, I don’t care, just share.

Hah! I never went to middle school (they weren’t around in the UK when I was schooled there) thus, no matter how much I want to, I can’t share!

So if you really want us to, remember that not all of us live in countries where there is a middle school and word your questions more appropriate for a worldly audience! :p

10. What’s your favorite Beatles song?

This may be somewhat sacrilegious given their position in music history, but I’ve never been a fan of The Beatles. In fact, there are only really two songs of theirs that I do like. The first is the magnificent Yesterday whilst the second is one of the most wonderful songs ever recorded.

11. If I asked you to describe your most comfortable outfit, what would it be?

Two words: flannel pyjamas! :D

12. Would you rather host a party or be a guest?

My anxiety freaks out when it comes to parties so I don’t make all that great a host or guest. However, if I had to choose one, it would be host. This way I could be in control of everything and thus make it easier to put in place a series of intricate coping mechanisms that would allow me to enjoy a wonderful evening rather than sweat silently in the corner.

13. Do you think we will move completely from traditional books to digital ones, and if we do, are you OK with that?

One day, books will definitely be a thing of the past. I just hope I’m not around to witness this dark and evil day of human history.

14. Do you learn best by reading, listening or experiencing?

Experiencing, definitely experiencing. In fact, I’m an experience seeking lunatic!

If my mind decides there is something it wants to understand – no matter how weird, random, painful, odd or bizarre – it will not rest easy until it has been felt.

15. If you are (or when you were) single, what is the kiss of death for you concerning the opposite sex? (That is, what is one trait or behavior or habit or anything at all that immediately turns you off from considering that person a potential match for you?)

Given most people know my history, the fact that abuse (of any description) is pretty much my only turn off should come as no surprise.

Although, interestingly, someone with a list of deal-breakers has become a deal-breaker for me.

16. Snacks. Salty or sweet?

It depends on my mood, but generally I’m drawn toward more sweet snacks.

However, once upon a time I did accidentally put salt on my ice-cream (the reason behind this is too random to go into!) which turned out to be a lot tastier than you might think.

17. Look around you in a four-foot radius. What object is around you that you didn’t realize was there or forgot was there? How long has it been there?

There is a spider approximately three and a half feet from where I’m sitting. I don’t know how long it’s been there…I don’t want to know how long it’s been there, nor do I want to know what evil machinations it’s been planning. I just want it to not be there! I want it to not be there now!

Goddammit, where’s John Goodman when you need him?

18. What is your favorite Tom Cruise movie?

It’s not so much a “Tom Cruise” movie but an ensemble movie that he happened to appear in. It’s also one of my favourite movies of all time and one you really should see! :)

19. You buy a bottle of shampoo and discover that you don’t like what it does to your hair at all. What do you do with that full bottle?

I use the remainder of the bottle and make a note to myself to never purchase the product again. After all, waste not, want not! :p

20. Your favorite spring comfort food?

Sweet, juicy peaches.

After building up an appetite with them, perhaps a few succulent grapes! ;)

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Star (aka Incoherent Rambling #1)

The first website I ever constructed was way back in 2000 following my return from backpacking around the UK and Canada. This was the one and only ‘blog’ style ramble that was published on the website, I had planned more but I guess life got in the way! So what the hey, let’s repost it here in all it’s orginal shambolic glory! :)

;Bryan Adams live in the Color Line Arena, Ham...

“What you gonna be when you grow up?
What do you wanna do when the night is up?
What do you wanna say when things go wrong?
What you gonna do when your on your own?
There’s a road long and winding.
The lights are blinding.
But it gets there.
Don’t give up, don’t look back.
There’s a silver lining, it’s out there somewhere.
Everybody wants an answer.
Everybody needs a friend.
We all need a shining star on which we can depend.
So tonight we’re gonna wish upon a star we’ve never wished upon before.”
Bryan Adams – Star

Okay so I have to be honest quoting Bryan Adams isn’t really the most accepted thing to do in society, let alone proclaiming his songs as some of your favourites, but what the hell! Since when did I ever say I was normal? This is one of my favourite songs, as is Summer of 69, Heaven and Back to You. That’s not the issue at hand, although some may think it is, some may want me to check into a mental institute because I know a lot of his songs by heart. There’s no shame in it, I have a lot of favourite songs, and I will admit that for the majority of them I have no clue as to what the singer/songwriter is saying. It doesn’t matter to me…what matters to me in music is what I feel from the song. How the music and the harmonies affect me, what moments of my life are attached to them. That’s what I think of when I hear the song. Take the above – I was sitting in my room, a day after my final exam, a couple of days before the school prom and I was just thinking about what I was going to do next. I had no idea, by the way. What about Bonny Portmore by Lorenna McKinnett? That’s one of my Scotland songs, even though it’s about the destruction of a tree in Ireland. Hotel California is for me about the time and people I spent at and with in the Inverness Student Hotel, I guess it’s just pseudo irony that the song is also about checking into a mental institute. And I will be honest everytime, everytime, I hear the line “You can check in any time you like, but you can’t ever leave” I will think of the people there. We sung it often.

Music is one of the most passionate art forms out there – far greater than poetry or film or fiction or…or anything. Really. It gets into us, burrows and nestles itself deep deep under our skin, for the rest of our lives. Much like passion.

Now when I was growing up I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Other kids sure, they wanted to be astronauts or firefighters or chicken farmers or teachers, doctors, the guy that manually masturbates caged animals for artificial insemination. Whatever. Not me. I wanted to be some fictional hero from movies made in the 1980s and set in the 1930s. He was just cool. The epitome of a super-hero, only without the super powers, so I guess he’s just a hero. So was it the hero I wanted to be? Maybe. Was it the fact he held captivated millions of children and adults around the world? Possibly. Was it the fact he had Sean Connery as a dad? Doubtful. To be honest, fifteen odd years down the line I do not know why I wanted to be Indiana Jones when I grew up. I’m sure there was a reason, why else would I pretend my bed was an out of control plane and my duvet an inflatable raft. Thinking about it now, as a somewhat still immature adult…not that there’s anything wrong with being a mite immature at 21 years of age, I personally think a lot of adults could learn a lot if they just gave into there urges when they see an empty playground. Playgrounds are fun, so next time you walk past one have a swing, play with the sand-shovel or spin yourself round the roundabout. So what if there are kids there? You may make some new friends, make believe for a moment and you may catch hold of something you’ve lost. I’ve been there. I was Blackbeard. Kids love to makebelieve, they just love to believe, and that’s something a lot of adults refuse to do. They don’t like to believe in things like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, or faeries or hobgoblins, or will-o-wisps, or brownies, or…the list is endless. So what if there’s no proof for it, so what if none of this can be logically proven through science experiements or maths equations. Can love be boiled down to logic? If you answer yes to that question I..well…I dunno because I firmly and resolutely believe the answer is no. “Love isn’t brains children, it is blood, blood screaming inside you to work it’s will.” Belief is very similar, and it is also a lot more important than we give it credit. Some say that you cannot find something that you don’t believe in – “No Mr Dempsy, you have to believe it before you can see it.”

So how does that equate to the whole “belief in oneself thing”? In order for you to find out who you are, does that mean you have to believe that there is something there in the first place? I believe so. A friend put it best when he said to me that we all create prisons for ourselves. We put the walls together not with brick and stone but with security and comfort. We lock ourselves in not with keys and locks, but with excuses and reasoning. Or lack of belief. We feel that our lives cannot get any better than what we already have, we convince ourselves through malformed excuses that equate to nothing, to not bother with what our minds and hearts are telling us. It’s all about courage. Courage not to go and rescue babies from burning buildings, or haul kids from the mouths of rabid bunnies, but courage to look deep within ourselves for the key to our prisons. It’s all in there somewhere. The key to the belief in oneself is in there, you just have to believe in yourself enough to find it. Excuses are there to create fears. And it is the fears that we will lose the prison that control our lives. In the non-metaphorical sense people spend years trying to escape prison, but the majority of people spend their lives convincing themselves that all they are worth is within the cage. I’m the same, I guess I wanted to be Indiana Jones when I was older because of the excitement his life had; chasing after ancient religious artifacts, jumping out of planes, hacking bridges in half…but as the tolls of adulthood began to ware their way I discovered that an exciting life was painful. Not only physically but mentally. The prison was a much better place to be, you can’t get hurt when you’ve confined yourself into a tiny little world. What people don’t realise until much after is that you can, and you do, get hurt. A lot more than if you had believed enough to take the risks in the first place. I call it regret. I also know that when compared to the pain of taking the risk, the pain of remaining in the prison with regret your sole companion, this latter is the far more agonizing. Oh, and I like “On a Day like today” as well, one of his latest. Dunno why. No real memory attached to that one, bought the album whilst I was working in the video store, never really heard it anywhere but my room. So what. Maybe it’s because I like the second line of the song. It’s one I believe and agree with.

Somtimes nostalgia really isn’t what it’s cut out to be…