All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…


5 Comments

But who can remember pain, once it’s over?

East Beach, Port Fairy

East Beach, Port Fairy © Addy

“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see.”
  ~ Margaret Atwood ~

Seven years ago today I went to Port Fairy to end my life.
Weeks of planning culminated with me sitting on the East Beach with a knife,
my pain having grown too severe for me to deal with.

To this day I can remember with intimate clarity how much I wanted to die,
how much I craved for my insignificant ‘life’ to be over.

Alas, it wasn’t to be.

As I stared out over the Southern Ocean I was reminded of all I would miss,
of the passions that burned in my soul and the desires I’d yet to achieve.

A part of me has always regretted choosing life on that lonely night,
but hidden beneath this regret is pride; of my strength, of my belief,
of my stubborn determination to not let life beat me.

Perhaps one day it will,
but not today.


Leave a comment

The let’s answer people’s "google searches" post!

My minds racing at a thousand miles so many thoughts, feelings, emotions, rational thoughts, irrational thoughts, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and they’re driving me insane not even slowly insane fast fast faster than the speeding colour red insane that I need to do something pointless and rather weird to try and take my mind of the suicidal urges I’m feeling.

So here we have it folks, the let’s answer people’s google searches post!

It amazes me sometimes what brings people to my site. The things people write into google which brings them into my merry world: denise welch drinking again alcohol that’s a good one, but the best, the absolute best which had me merrily laughing and giggling away, “emily lloyd” wanking…who would have thought that would bring someone to my site? Bet they were disappointed!

Anyhow…some searches are actually pretty cool, gets me thinking, so here we go, hold onto your hats and lets see what we can find out.

1) “Movie TV Show Self Injury”
This one got me thinking. I can think of only one example of each: Takin’ Over the Asylum on TV and Secretary at the movies. So I flung myself into research mode and tried to find a few more…Girl Interrupted, Thirteen, 28 Days, Seventh Heaven (TV Show), Strong Heaven (TV Show)…and that’s the best I could come up with, which is pretty pathetic, but then I’m in that sort of mood…anyone know any others?

2) “Songs about depression and self harm”
This is a good one. So many songs are about love and lost love and happy bouncy pop numbers by ridiculously under-dressed pre-pubescent starlets gyrating around as if they know everything about sexy sensual antics it’s ridiculous. What about songs about depression and self harm, where are all they, eh? How about these?
[RED ones are self-harm, BLUE ones are depression]
Underlying Depression – Van Morrison
Black and BlueCounting Crows
Manic Depression – Jimi Hendrix
SmokeNatalie Imbruglia
Terminal Spirit Disease – At the Gates
If You Can’t Leave it Be, Might as Well Make it BleedDashboard Confessional
I Won’t Stay Long – Sixpence None the Richer
My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of WeaponFall Out Boy
When Silence Cries – Trail of Tears
Judge Yr’selfManic Street Preachers
Only Happy When it Rains – Garbage
Not an AddictK’s Choice
Put on Your Old Brown Shoes – Supertramp
Roses in the Hospital – Manic Street Preachers

3) “Overcoming emotional abuse in friendship”
An excellent point. In my posts covering emotional abuse I talked specifically about emotional abuse occurring in a sexual relationship, however emotional abuse can occur in any form of relationship. It could be teacher/student, parent/child, friend/friend, boss/employee even student/teacher or child/parent is possible. Overcoming emotional abuse in any form is an incredibly difficult thing to do, as even if you talk to the abuser and try and get s/he to realise that what they are doing is having a detrimental affect on you and your self esteem, they will often deny what is happening is their fault, they will in fact deny the abuse is occurring.

Something you can do is talk to a trusted friend and tell them what is happening and how it is making you feel. You could also try and convince the abuser that they require “help” to overcome whatever issue is causing them to be emotionally abusive, but this is dangerous, as it could lead to further abuse or an escalation into physical or sexual abuse.

Overcoming emotional abuse is a very tricky and difficult thing to do. Ultimately, you may have to sever the friendship/relationship with that person if you feel nothing is ever going to change. This will hurt more than you can know, but if it is the only way to stop the abuse, it may be the only option.

I’m not sure if that’s been of any help to anyone, including myself. I’m just in a really bad way today and trying to occupy my mind. It’s not really working so we’ll call an end to this post and see what happens.


Leave a comment

Another blahdy bad day…getting tired now…

I was so happy this time last year.

I’m not looking back through rose tinted glasses or anything because there were problems in my life, but by hell I remember laughing and smiling and joking and playing and feeling…alive! I remember feeling so blissful sometimes that I thought I was going to burst. Sitting on the beach, swimming in the ocean, gathering around BBQs with friends (friends? what the hell are they?), I remember watching movies and going to restaurants and writing…always writing in whatever spare minute I could.

Behind Closed Eyes, that’s what I was writing this time last year, a project which flowed out of me like it needed to get onto the page. The easiest (the best) novel I have ever written; an interactive tour-de-force of dreams, desires, intricate plotting and love. It was meant to be a birthday present, never intended for public consumption but…well, things kinda went wrong. Thems the breaks. I never heard back from the publishers, never really expected to – I think it was a little too non-mainstream for the publishing industry these days. Damn shame really, five months of work flushed down the toilet.

Now…

…can’t write for toffee. Can’t even come up with a decent blog post any more! It’s not for lack of ideas either, I’ve got a book I keep where I jot down the thoughts I have. It’s not a journal, can’t write those any more, just a notebook to help me remember things.

– Psychological Abuse: The Silent Killer
– Combat Depression with…Journal Writing Therapy
– The Manic Adventures of Addy and Meadhbh. Part I: Adelaide, Schmadelaide!
– Depression is a fracking illness! Get Over It!
– Why is Stephen Fry a “hero” and I’m a waste of space? Is it ’cause he’s famous?
– So I’m suffering from glandular fever, I’ve had a nervous breakdown and been diagnosed with CLL…and you think I still have my health! Are you just fracking insane??
– Recovering from a breakdown is an absolute bitch: The months following my breakdown…

Frack I could just keep going on and on with all these post ideas but whenever I sit down to write any of them, nothing comes. It just all blocks up and I sit staring at the page bursting into tears because this fracking mental illness has taken another bloody thing from me!

When I say I’ve lost everything this year, I mean it! I’ve lost possessions, homes, friendships. I’ve lost hopes, dreams, the future I always craved. I’ve lost my photography. I’ve lost my ability to write and create. I’ve lost…everything. Can you imagine what that feels like?

Think of all of your friends; all those people you talk to, email, chat and have fun with.
Think of everything that you own; your books, knick knacks, DVDs, music, cameras, computers.
Think of your home; your bed, your posters, your sanctuary.
Think of your skills; your writing, your photography, your art, your cooking.
Think of your dreams; all those myriad of exciting things you want to do with you life.

Then go sit in a park, under a tree, and imagine what it would be like to have no home to go back to. Imagine holding your phone in your hand knowing that no-one is going to phone it, and that you can’t phone anyone. Imagine wanting to read a book and watch a movie – but you’ve got nothing. Imagine wanting to curl up in bed with your beautiful cuddly partner and then realise that not only do you not have a beautiful cuddly partner but you don’t even have a bed!

Can you imagine how painful that would feel. To be all alone in the big bad uncaring world.

Just you, your mind and your mental illness. A mental illness which has cost you everything you cared about. A mental illness which plays tricks with your mind; makes you believe things which aren’t real, makes you question the very essence of your being, makes you paranoid and fearful of everyone around you. A mental illness which, no matter how hard you try to explain it, is never understood by anyone. A mental illness which feeds and promotes every mistake you have ever made in your entire goddamned fracking life.

So you have to pretend everything is okay. Pretend and lie and betray so as to be accepted by people. You have to be happy. You must. You must NEVER tell ANYONE your problems because by frack if you try to externalise something they will rip out your heart and sell it to the nearest demon. That’s what I’ve learned this year.

You must pretend everything is okay, always internalising, allowing your soul to slowly crumble. No matter what the problem is, whether it be; a magpie dive bombing you, the diagnosis of a terminal illness, theft, stressing over uni or college, glandular fever, suicide attempt of a loved one, not sure what holiday destination to choose, hives, worried about the future, family strife.

No matter what it is you MUST internalise it for we are not allowed to be negative, we are not allowed to seek advice, comfort or support. We must deal with everything by ourselves.

No-one wants “real” emotional connections anymore; they just want lies, pretence and the facade of happiness. They want to be friends with liars, manipulators and deceivers.

Period.

If I’d done that maybe things would be different. If I’d done that maybe I would still be laughing and smiling and joking and playing and feeling…alive! Instead I have become a wretched hollowed out shell. Angry with the world. Angry with myself.

A shadow of any of the men I have been in my life.

The hopes, dreams, passions and desires which pulsated through my body this time last year have gone. They’ll never be back. I have been beaten down, destroyed, utterly defeated.

[…and yes, I’m having yet another bad fucked up fracking day! Sorry that I’m not being a happy bouncy bunny and cheering you all up okay! I’m tired, emotional, crying and losing stregth fast…sorry okay!]


Leave a comment

PaNiC aTtAcKs

Okay so this is actually more for me than anyone else because, in all honesty, it makes absolutely no sense…but then neither do PaNiC aTtAcKs really…in fact nothing does!
———————–
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons
Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
I used to love those things

Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why
Seconds becoming minutes becoming hours becoming days becoming weeks becoming months becoming years becoming decades becoming centuries becoming millennia Only have to worry about the seconds minutes hours days weeks months years and decades Doubtful ill make it to centuries or millennia But then Time becoming mononotonous All the same Everything identical to everything else Cant seem to be able to stop What can be done Always
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons
Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
od I used to love those things
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why

Couldnt resist He he he Ha Ha Ha Heeeee Haaaaa
Mind seems to have vanished today Keep misplacing things Forgetting things Losing things Sure sense has been lost but something else missing too cant figure it out Oh well Yay Nay Yay Nay
PaNiC aTtAcKs
Depression
Agoraphobia

Ick
Eek
Aahh
Tried to go for a walk today in the beautiful sunshine that was shining in through the window Looked so nice and pretty welcoming and warm A walk in the sun that will cheer me up Dull the mononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononon
breath
ononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononity

Phew Got as far as the Gardens before started to get a bit sweaty Not from heat Took a turn toward the sea Have always liked the sea reminds me of the West Coast or Halifax or Vancouver or sigh Berneray Lovely Berneray of my mind Can’t go back there now Not ever ever Ever Not now But sweating started Heart rate increased Palpitations Shaking Shuddering Nervous twitching HATE that yep yep yep All the hallmarks of a good ole fashioned PaNiC aTtAcKs

Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Now
SUN is SHINING
BIRDS are SINGING
GRASS is GREEN
SKY is BLUE
ADDY is OKAY ADDY is not OKAY ADDY is OKAY ADDY is not OKAY ADDY is OKAY Ummm
Really started to get unpleasant now Something else wouldnt wish on anyone PaNiC aTtAcKs
Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Ick
Eek
Aahh
Suck it up
Suck it up
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Beat
RUN-A- WAY youve been taught that
RUN-A-WAY NOOOOWWWWW!
So I came back to the flat and had a cry and watched the sun birds grass sky from the balcony
Looking out at the sea
Smoking my first cigarette for eons
Hating it
PaNiC aTtAcKs
Depression
Agoraphobia
Hating it
Want sun back Want birds back Want grass back Want sky back
Want sea back
Not PaNiC aTtAcKs depression PaNiC aTtAcKs agoraphobia PaNiC aTtAcKs
Want life back
Want passion back
Want hope back
Want dreams back
Want smiles back
Not PaNiC aTtAcKs depression PaNiC aTtAcKs agoraphobia PaNiC aTtAcKs
Not
Looking out at the sea
Not
Smoking my first proper cigarette for eons

Started smoking cause I was stressed and didn’t know what else to do Started smoking cause I wanted to die and thought it was an easy way Started smoking hating it then Kept smoking cause I loved it Stopped smoking cause I didnt need it any more Started again cause I needed it again Stopped again cause I didnt like it Started again cause I REALLY needed it this time the Stopped once more Its called the yoyo way of giving up Dont think you really know how hard it is to give em up unless youve smoked ten a day for a few years Frack off to everyone who thinks it wasy Hardest thing I ever did giving up smoking all the times Now Ive started again Why
I used to love those things
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why

Cause they bring me happiness Thats what they are
Hate filled little sticks of happiness Only things that bring it
Smoked them every day
Without fail
Yummy
Why
Why
Why