All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

[NSFW] My kink and its effect on my mental health

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WARNING_SPANKINGS

I’ve always been interested in the world of kink. How it relates to our personality. How it reflects on who we are. How it impacts on various aspects of our life. And how, if any, it links to the world of mental health. For someone who has battled mental illness since he was a teenager, and for someone who has struggled with his kinky self for even longer, the world of kink and how it relates to mental illness fascinates me.

In this post I ruminate on how my kinky self has impacted, or been impacted by, my various mental illnesses. From the ups and downs of bipolar through C-PTSD via social anxiety and self harm, I cast an eye over how kink has affected my life.

Given the subject matter, it should go without saying that this post is not for familial eyes. So any members of my family who just happen to stumble upon this post, please respect my need for privacy and read no further. Everyone else, feel free to join me on my journey with kink! :)

My kink and its effect on…

Psychspanking

…my bipolar

As someone who suffers from bipolar, I spend my life traversing between the two poles of mania and depression. It’s exhausting. It’s debilitating. But it’s who I am.

As a switch, I spend my kink-life traversing between the two poles of domination and submission. It’s exhilarating. It’s thrilling. But it’s who I am.

For many years I have been only too aware of the correlation between my bipolar self and my kink self. When I’m manic, when I’m roaming around the globe believing I’m an immortal God, I’m 100% dominant. I want to spank as many posteriors as I can. I want to assert my control over the human race. But when I’m depressed, when I’m languishing in the abyss of melancholy and disdain, I’m 100% submissive. I want to be spanked. I want someone to take control of my life and tell me what to do.

I explored my bipolar self in:

…my confidence

Have you ever craved something? Have you ever needed something so badly you would do anything to make it happen? Perhaps it’s a cigarette you’ve been craving, perhaps a mug of coffee, perhaps you’ve been desperate to travel to far-flung corners of the earth or just have someone scratch that itch betwixt your legs.

And how did it feel when you weren’t able to sate that desire? When you couldn’t find a cigarette to quench your nicotine cravings; when you weren’t able to afford that trip to Outer Mongolia; when you had no-one in your life to carry you to the bedroom to have their way with you?

I know only too well the frustration, annoyance and damning emotional pain of not having a desire fulfilled. For my entire adult life – if not beyond – I’ve craved to be spanked. It’s a craving that may seem obscure, that you may not understand, but a valid craving nonetheless. For nearly twenty years I’ve wanted someone to take me over their knee and give me a sound spanking. I’ve needed someone to administer the discipline I yearn for.

And not being able to fulfill this desire, not being able to meet the demands of this side of my personality, has had a dramatic effect on my confidence.

It’s forced me to question myself at every turn. It’s caused me to repeatedly ask what’s wrong with me. Why does no-one love me enough to spank me? Why do people run in fear from helping me experience my desires? Is my body repulsive? Is my mind grotesque? What is wrong with me?

Recently I had a conversation with someone on Fetlife about how I believed a spanking would have a restorative effect on my confidence. To finally receive what I have dreamed of for so many years. To have the courage to present my posterior for punishment. To finally scratch that itch. It would help me accept myself. It would allow me to understand there is nothing wrong with me. It would provide me with the release I so desperately crave.

To be able to strip myself from the waist down, lay over someone’s lap, and feel the warmth of a sound spanking? It would be life-changing. It would see my confidence surge. All those years of doubting, questioning and critiquing myself. All those years I spent listening to the criticism, abuse and judgment of others. All of it would evaporate if I could only prove to myself I can go through with it; I can summon the strength to realise my dream.

In other words, I firmly believe that a spanking is the best weapon I can think of in my war against low self-esteem and confidence issues.

Period.

I explored confidence and kink in more detail in:

…my social anxiety

Even though I believe being spanked would be a massive boost to my confidence, there will always be social anxiety rearing its ugly head and preventing any headway. How am I supposed to meet someone who could spank me when the anxiety prevents me from talking to people? How am I supposed to attend fetish nights and/or munches when the thought of being around so many people brings on a panic attack? How am I supposed to turn these fantasies into realities when every pore of my being is telling me that I’m “wrong” for feeling these urges?

But as spanking would be a formidable weapon in my battle against confidence, it would also be a powerful tool in my battles with anxiety. If I could present my posterior for a spanking. If I could go through with having my bottom spanked. If I could attend a fetish party or munch. I would prove to myself that I can do it. That even though I was anxious to the core, I had the strength to go through with it, thus proving anxiety can be beaten. That it doesn’t have to control everything I am.

My social anxiety, in relation to friendship and relationships, was explored in:

…my hearing voices

As with everything in my life, my voices have their own opinions toward my spanking fetish.

Vanessa, in particular, is staunchly against anything to do with spanking and BDSM. She hates everything about this lifestyle and refuses to accept and understand that it is just a normal aspect of the variety of life. On many occasions over many years she has abused, attacked and humiliated this part of me…so lord knows what would happen were I ever to follow through on my fantasies!

Shay, meanwhile, is completely against anything to do with my submitting for a spanking but – being the misogynistic prick that he is – has no problem with me spanking women in a consensual manner. Ever since I was a teenager Meadhbh has been fascinated with this aspect of my life and has always encouraged me to seek out spanking fun whenever possible. She remains hopeful that one day I will get to both be spanked and spank someone in return. Whilst Audrey is undecided, endlessly asking questions I have no answers to as she struggles to understand this aspect of me.

Meadhbh and Shay explored the beautiful world of spanking art in:

A collection of spanking art, as drawn and coloured by Meadhbh:

…my PTSD

Compounding everything is my PTSD.

Spanking is a very personal and intimate act that requires absolute trust between spanker and spankee. Ever since the emotionally abusive relationship I was a victim of, ever since the assault and rape I experienced, trust is an emotion I find incredibly difficult to attain.

But it’s not just trust, it is about putting myself in a position of vulnerability, of submission. My abuser made me feel weak, worthless, repugnant. She made me feel like I was nothing. My rapist used power and dominance to subject me to one of the most galling, despicable acts imaginable. There’s a chance that, were I to submit to a spanking, the emotions triggered by this act of submission would trigger an anxiety or panic attack, so similar would they be to how my abusers have made me feel. It’s entirely possible that my PTSD over the various abuses I have received would prevent me from realising my dreams, such is the PTSD sufferer’s desire to protect themselves at all costs. But I wouldn’t know this until it was actually happening.

It is, however, just as possible that I could use spanking to combat my PTSD. Like my confidence, like my social anxiety, I could utilize the act of spanking to fight against the hyper-vigilance and prove to myself, and my abusers, that I get to choose how and when people have control over me.

That no-one gets to control me other than myself.

You can read more about my PTSD in:

…my body image

And tied to the fears that PTSD has imposed on my kink, is the endless struggle I have with my body image.

Ever since I was a young child I have been overweight, the subject of cruel taunts and vicious abuse. My weight issues were the source of so much school yard bullying that it would take years to recount the sheer number of insults, barbs and catcalls that I have received. And all the abuse did, all abuse ever does, was make me hate myself. I learned at a young age that I was grotesque. That I had the sort of figure that no human being could ever love or find attractive. My belly was repulsive. My legs stodgy. My bum wide and ungainly. My face the source of much vomit and bile. I am, according to my abusers, bullies and body dysmorphia, the most repulsive, fugly and disgusting human being to have ever walked the face of the earth.

So how, given my hatred of my own body, am I to present it for punishment? How am I to strip myself (semi) naked and offer my wide, ungainly and repulsively hairy bottom for punishment? How am I to inflict such repugnance on another human being? These are all questions I ask myself daily. I can’t even look at myself naked, so how am I expected to allow other people to see such a sight?

But, as with so many of my mental afflictions, there is a good chance that spanking could be my body image savior. If I could go through with it. If I could offer my bare bottom for punishment, and it doesn’t receive fits of laughter, derision or insult, then it could do what so many other things have failed to accomplish; it could make me love myself again.

I took a look at my body image issues in:
tumblr_lu5bbzppVX1r0g5e9o1_500

How am I to strip myself (semi) naked and offer my wide, ungainly and repulsively hairy bottom for punishment?

…my self-harm

No discussion on kink and mental health would be complete without mentioning self-harm. Courtesy of the movie Secretary people believe that there is an intrinsic link between sadomasochistic behavior and self-harm. That the reason people want to be spanked and/or dominated is so they can experience the same emotional/physical relief that self-harm brings them.

But of all the aspects of my mental health, this is the only one that I believe has no effect on my kink.

The reasons I want to be spanked are so far removed from why I self-harm that there is no correlation. The two aspects are completely unrelated in my mind, yet because of the grotesque stereotypes that exist around the BDSM and spanking community, few people believe this. But it’s the truth.

I wrote about my self harm in:
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5 thoughts on “[NSFW] My kink and its effect on my mental health

  1. I skimmed some of it, i’m in a hurry, so have to go quick, but I am very impressed with the way you wrote your article. It is awesome that you are so self aware. I look forward to reading the rest of it when I get more time, and it is something I will come back and read, especially as you raise very important and valid points. Thank you. OJM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I loved the pictures by Meadhbh! Especially the “Addy Spanks Me” – The colours are beautiful and it’s really well drawn!
    I think you’ll overcome your social anxieties and get your kink on some day soon :)

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s our favourite too. Meadhbh is super proud of that picture. She loves the colours, the angle and says her butt looks spankolicious!

      I hope you’re right in me overcoming my anxieties so I can get my kink on. It’s really frustrating that there’s a whole side to me I can’t explore because my illness keeps getting in the way. Although, if my plan for a trip to Melbourne comes to fruition I may get to do something about it, as there’s a fetish night I’ve been invited to, so would be able to get my kink on there. I’ll keep you informed how it goes! :)

      Liked by 1 person

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