All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

An epic battle involving horror movies and Bonnie Tyler!

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Following on from Wednesday’s rather fraught day of voice activity, the last couple of days have been no better. In fact, when it comes to my people, there has been a battle raging in my head for the last forty-eight hours; and it’s exhausting! Meadhbh – in her infinite wisdom – has decided to take on the role of ‘protector’. It’s a role she has often undertaken over the last twenty-odd years, protecting me from everything from school yard bullies to the chaos anxiety inflicts on me, but over the last forty-eight hours her target has been Vanessa; and she’s refusing to give in.

You see, when it comes to my voices, they’re not only able to speak to me, but they can speak to each other. Sometimes this is vastly entertaining, like eavesdropping on a particularly naughty conversation, other times it can just be debilitating, as they valiantly attempt to gain my attention by speaking over each other. For the last forty-eight hours my attention has not been the goal. After the endless, onslaught of abuse on Wednesday, Meadhbh has taken it upon herself to defend me against the “pure evil that is Vanessa”. And she has decided to protect me by ceaselessly arguing with Vanessa, picking her up on every comment, every word and every syllable that she decides to voice. It’s been pretty deafening, this constant bickering, and only marginally entertaining. But it’s nice to know that I have at least one voice on my side; such has been the volume of Meadhbh’s defense.

According to Meadhbh Vanessa is the useless one, not me. According to Meadhbh, Vanessa is scum of the universe, a selfish, self-righteous, condescending bitch of the highest order. And she has said all of this to Vanessa over the last couple of days. And Vanessa’s reaction has been obvious. You see, when you antagonize an abuser all you are going to do is make everything worse. And Meadhbh doesn’t grasp this. So as Vanessa’s abuse grew louder and more toxic, Meadhbh’s defense of me had to become more prominent, and at a greater rate of decibels. The fight has been raging for two whole days now – neither one giving any ground, neither one any closer to being the ‘winner’. Personally, I think they’re both enjoying themselves too much. Meadhbh loves to talk, and if she thinks she’s on the side of right, there’s no stopping her. Meanwhile, Vanessa also loves to talk, and her narcissism means she is always right. So really, there will never be a winner in this argument. And the loser will always be me – because I’m the one who has to sit here and listen to the chaos hour after hour!

Meadhbh also got a trifle annoyed after I let Vanessa program the songs on Wednesday’s post. She wants to know why I didn’t let her choose the songs. She doesn’t understand that I was trying to placate Vanessa, that I was hoping allowing Vanessa the choice would lessen her abuse. This is why I’ve had to promise Meadhbh she can choose the songs today. To keep Meadhbh happy. Oh, for the life of a voice hearer; the constant daily battle to keep everyone happy, to keep everyone on side. It’s damned exhausting, it really is. Just once I’d like other people to be able to hear what I hear, what I have to put up with, then and only then would they realise how hard I work each day just to get even the most basic things done!

Anyhow, aside from the endless battle between Meadhbh and Vanessa, my day has been rather uneventful. I woke up after a dream about being trapped in a vat of liquid cheese and fell into my usual, boring, monotonous routine. I listened to talk radio, I walked down the road, I visited the library, rented some DVDs, purchased some spaghetti for dinner and then came home and watched two of the worst films I’ve ever had the misfortune to sit through; Wrong Turn 2: Dead End and Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead. Seriously, if you ever find yourself in a position of watching these films, find the nearest wooden spoon and gouge out your own eyes, it will be a lot less painful than sitting through this horror-stereotype laden tripe!

In fact, as I was forcing myself to watch such garbage, I began to wonder why the horror genre has more crap in it than any other. Sure, there’s a lot of dodgy comedies and thrillers out there, but there seems to be a dirge of atrocious horror movies. In fact, pretty much every horror movie that  is released is derivative nonsense. Sure, there is the occasional stand-out – The Descent springs to mind – but most is just boring, unfrightening wankery. The trouble is, when I’m depressed, I crave films that make me feel something and as laughter is thin on the ground when I’m depressed, I tend to seek out horror movies, hoping beyond hope that they give me a scare. They rarely do, and today’s Wrong Turn double feature, made me cringe more than startle. So I’m left wondering what horror film I should watch next; what horror movies have scared you? What horror movies have made you hide behind your sofa in pure terror? I genuinely want to know as I genuinely want to be scared by a movie again.

And the first person to say The Blair Witch Project gets a good spanking! :p There is nothing scary about The Blair Witch Project. Nothing.

Anyhow. Aside from the endless battle between Meadhbh and Vanessa, and my quest to find a truly terrifying horror film, I’ve actually felt quite proud of myself today. You may have noticed that yesterday saw me (finally) complete the 31 Days of Bipolar challenge. It’s the first blog challenge I’ve completed for quite some time, and am immensely proud that I saw it through to its conclusion, rather than give up halfway through as I’ve been known to do with blog challenges in the past. All in all, I had a good time writing the challenge. Some of the prompts were a little pedestrian and uninspiring, but the vast majority had me find the writing spark that I’ve sorely missed over the last several months. The only problem is that now it’s completed, what do I do? Am I seriously going to have to come up with my own post ideas again?! How annoying. I will actually have to think original thoughts and write them in a way that entertains, enlightens and amazes. That seems a little too difficult. Perhaps I’ll just find another challenge. Either way. You’re not taking my pride away from me this time! I’m over the moon I completed the challenge and have had a daffy grin on my face for most of the day because of it.

And after saying that, it appears this blog post has come to a sort of natural conclusion. Sure, I could force it to go on a little longer, come up with something random and pointless to extend the post by another 500 odd words, but I really don’t think I can be bothered today. I just kinda what Meadhbh and Vanessa to shut the hell up for five seconds as their war is starting to grate. Meadhbh has just fired off insult number 8907, which just made Vanessa laugh, which has made Meadhbh fire off insult 8908 in retaliation. Like I said. There’s no way either one is going to give up, so ultimately, I’m the loser.

Don’t forget to leave your horror movie recommendations in the comments section below. I’d love to know which one of you is going to suggest a movie that truly freaks me out! Hope you’re all having a wonderful day, whichever timezone you find yourself living in! :)

Note: As mentioned, today’s music has been chosen by she who is named Meadhbh. As if I would choose a Bonnie Tyler song! :p

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19 thoughts on “An epic battle involving horror movies and Bonnie Tyler!

  1. Blair witch project. Now when can I expect my spanking? j/k I own the movie but have never seen it. Horror movies are my form of comedy-don’t ask-so for the most part I cannot recommend one. The only thing scary I have seen in about 20 years was a movie called Event Horizon with Sam Neill and Laurence Fishbourne I believe. I was prego at the time so that could have been a factor but nah, most horror I laugh at. Like jeepers creepers, I annoyed my friend because I was laughing all the way through that. I absolutely love the final destination franchise (mostly)–no because of the gore or because it’s scary -because it’s not-no I like it because of the intricate measure death has to go through to kill a person. Just sayin.

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    • I’ve never seen Event Horizon. I’ll keep an eye out for it at my local video store. I’ve seen both Jeepers Creepers films and I think I laughed my way through them as well. Like most horror films I find them overly trashy and not in the least bit scary. I liked the first couple of Final Destination films for much the same reason as you; not because they’re scary, but because of the intricate death scenes. I haven’t seen the last few installments of the franchise though, maybe I’ll give them a whirl! Thanks for the recommendations! :)

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  2. Hi there Addy. Yes I am having a really wonderful day. Thank you very much for wishing your readers to have such a day. This tells me what a wonderful, caring person you are. I love having you as one of my friends.

    I wish to comment on your struggle with Vanessa and Meadhbh. Firstly I hope not to bore you but I want to start off by quoting you as I am in complete agreement with you “battle raging in your head and its exhausting” and “Meadhbh doesn’t grasp that when you antagonize an abuser all you are going to do is make everything worse” and “The loser will always be me – because I’m the one who has to sit here and listen to the chaos hour after hour! It’s damned exhausting”. I am amazed at your grasp of what is happening. I believe that what you wrote is exactly what is happening. You have made it crystal clear to me. As your friend I wish to offer a suggestion that I hope you will consider and not just brush off. What is happening must be very distressing for you. Now while I have never heard voices as you have I have heard ideas yes and actual words in my head. There are a lot of things that we cannot see that affect our lives. This is one of those things. What is happening is a battle between principalities, powers and rulers of spiritual wickedness in high places. You and I are entirely powerless to deal with these things. I found it interesting that you know something that Meadhbh does not know that antagonizing an abuser makes everything worse. Bravo for you. I know of One who has won the victory over all the forces. I have capitalised One because this One is God. When one of my children was concerned about evil spirits coming in through his bedroom window, I knowing that he was a Christian told him that the next time that the evil spirits came he was to say to them “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to leave never to return”. In the morning he told me with glowing eyes “Dad remember what you told me to say next time the evil spirits came”. Well of course I had remembered. “I said what you told me to say and they left and have not returned”. I was not surprised. There is a very important caution I must place at this juncture. Unless one is a Christian or becomes one trying to deal with evil spirits will not work and could well have very servere effects. I am going out now Addy. If you would like more information on this matter I would be most happy to supply such to you. Have a very good day Addy.

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    • I’m glad your day has been something good. The battle between Meadhbh and Vanessa has raged for years. They’ve never seen eye to eye and often bicker between themselves to varying degrees. It’s just been worse over the last few days because Meadhbh believes she is defending me, she doesn’t realise, as I said, that it just antagonises Vanessa into doing more harm. Perhaps one day she will learn this lesson for herself, until then, I’ll just keep putting up with the arguing and act as mediator.

      I’ve never been an overly religious fellow. I’m not an atheist, I just don’t have a strong belief in God. I don’t hold anything against people who do – all power to them – it’s just not who I am. It’s tremendous though that your son was able to vanquish his demons through his own belief. I am always open to learning new things though, so any information you feel you wish to pass on, I will gladly hear.

      Hoping your day continues to be excellent! :)

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  3. I really can’t imagine having all those voices arguing away. Just the thought of it is exhausting. With regards to the horror films, I’ve not even been able to sit all the way through Gremlins or Jurassic Park… They seem pretty horrific to me lol xx

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    • You haven’t seen Gremlins or Jurassic Park!? They are both awesome films! Perhaps best you don’t watch The Human Centipede then, it’s a bit more hardcore than those two wonderments of cinema! As for the voices, it does indeed get exhausting, especially when they’re all yammering away at the same time. Even when one of them is talking it’s pretty tiring. Sometimes I wish they’d just go away. But then I realise how lonely I’d feel without them, given they’re such a part of my life now! :)

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      • I saw the trailer for the Human Centipede and that was enough. I was nearly sick and was then tortured with nightmares for the next week. I have a very vivid imagination and can be very ‘sensitive’ to scary films. They leave a sort of shadowed imprint in my mind and it’s like I can’t decipher whether it was reality or fantasy, thus leading to paranoia and dreadful dreams.

        I wish I could watch scary films though, I love films in general so I feel like I’m missing a huge chunk of creativity that I could truly appreciate but never mind. I’ll stick to fantasies, comedies, dramas and romances :) xx

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        • The Human Centipede is a vile, repulsive film. I’ve seen both it and its sequel, and wouldn’t recommend them to anyone, especially if they’re sensitive, beautiful people like yourself! I never used to watch horror films. My ex-girlfriend got me into them and now watch them whenever I want to ‘feel’ something. Although it is rare for me to actually be scared by them. If anything, I find them more amusing than most comedies! They’re an acquired taste, I guess, but you’re probably not missing much creativity. There really isn’t much of that in the horror genre! :)

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          • That’s okay then, I don’t feel too bad about missing out on them then :) I haven’t really watched any amazing films lately, they seem to be becoming few and far in between. (Apart from The Avengers and the marvel franchise – l.o.v.e. t.h.e.m.) Any films you can recommend? Oh! I tell you what I’m hooked on watching at the moment, The Walking Dead tv series! Hahaha kinda goes against what I said about me and horror / gore things but it’s not too intense :) xx

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            • I love the Marvel franchise too. In fact, I was just recently rewatching Captain America: The Winter Soldier and commenting to myself how awesome it was. Can’t wait for Civil War next year and, of course, Avengers: Age of Ultron (unfortunately I couldn’t watch it at the cinema as my anxiety stops me from going, so I have to wait patiently for the DVD). Most of the films I’ve watched lately are horror movies, and most of them have been crap. The highlight has been Teeth. It’s more a comedy film than a horror, and it’s not particularly gruesome, so you might be able to handle it! ;) I also watched Interstellar, which although not breathtaking, was a quite decent film that’s worth your time. The Walking Dead is a great series, I haven’t seen the fifth season yet as it’s not out DVD. But let’s be honest, there are some intense moments in that series! :)

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  4. Oh that’s a shame you didn’t get to see the new Avengers film yet, I’ve seen it and it was awesome like all the rest, so as soon as you’ve see it, let me know so we can talk all about it!! Have you seen the latest trailers for Deadpool, Suicide Squad and Batman yet?? They where all released at the big comic-con thing and they all look SO good!! (Apart from Ben Affleck as Batman – Urgh!)

    Ooooh I’ve actually seen Teeth and I agree with you, re: comedy element – I think I actually laughed the whole way through! I’ve not seen Interstellar so I’ve added to my list of films to watch! Did you ever see Gravity? It’s not the sort of film I would usually go for but I actually went to the cinema to see it because of the visual effects and it was breathtaking :) xx

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    • The only trailer I’ve seen that was released at Comic-Con is the Doctor Who series 9 trailer (I’m a bit of a Doctor Who tragic). I’ll have to track down the film trailers today, it will give me something to do to take my mind off smoking! And I’m glad I’m not the only Ben Affleck as Batman hater. I’m not a fan of Affleck at the best of times and it amazes me that someone thought that was good casting!

      I have seen Gravity and loved it, a wonderful film with stunning visual effects. It was one of my favourite films of last year, in fact, partly because I’ve had a crush on Sandra Bullock since I was a teenager! :)

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      • Definitely find the trailers, they are all well worth the watching! I’m so glad you agree with me on the Ben Affleck “issue” – Hahaha I was so worried you would be a supporter of his and that I might have offended you, it’s good to know we’re on the same wave length! I mean seriously though, why did they choose him as the next batman!? I mean, I have to watch the new superman film when it comes out but I really don’t want to because it will feel like I’m supporting their casting decision! Urgh!

        I’ve never watched Doctor Who… Yeah, I heard you just gasp! Lol! I think it’s because of the whole thing where the Doctor changes frequently (am I right in saying “regenerating”?) – I don’t like change – I like my characters to be played by the same actor or actress :)

        P.s. Thank you for the award nomination, you’ve made me a very happy girly xx

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        • Haven’t had time to check out the trailers yet. I keep forgetting to track them down. You’re right about the Doctor regenerating. It was a device they came up with when the original actor decided to leave the show. It’s quite ingenious really. It keeps the show going and changes the style, tone of the show at the same time. It is a bit upsetting when you get attached to a particular incarnation (as I was with David Tennant) but you get used to it and end up loving the next Doctor just as much. You should give it a go. I am, after all, attempting to convert the entire human race into being Doctor Who fans! :)

          And we are completely on the same wavelength with Ben Affleck. How they ever casted him is a mystery to me, and to read the other day that he was going to be starring in and directing a solo Batman film was just an insult after the excellent Dark Knight trilogy. Part of me doesn’t even want to watch the new Superman film because of it!

          PS. No worries about the award nomination, you absolutely, positively deserve it! :)

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          • Urgh!! What!? Starring and directing!! Talk about an egotistical what-zit!!!!

            I shall follow your advise and give Doctor Who a go, can you recommend which Doctor / Season to start with? (I’ll have to finish Walking Dead first… I like to binge on TV series :D) xx

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            • Which Doctor to start with? Good question. My personal favourite Doctor is David Tennant, who started his tenure in the episode ‘A Christmas Invasion’ and then starred in the role through series 2,3,4 and the specials. Many women I’ve known have developed intense crushes on David Tennant, so be wary if you start with him, as he could steal your heart! :) Alternatively, many Americans rate Matt Smith as their favourite Doctor, who took over the role in series 5, so that could be another good place to start. One good thing about Doctor Who is that it is an excellent series to binge watch, something I do regularly! :)

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          • Hi there Addy. I too have always been a Dr Who fan. I have got my 16 year old son hooked on the Doctor too.

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