Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
What is your motivation to recover?
This is a difficult question for me to answer at the moment because like other habits that are not good for me (such as smoking) I feel that I need self-harm in my life right now. The depressive episode that has consumed me over the last few months has been all-encompassing and self-harm has been one of the few ‘highlights’ of my life. In fact, over the last couple of months it has become a rigid part of my day-to-day schedule.
However disturbing this daily implementation of self-harm may sound to some, I know that I’d be hard pushed to survive without it. Like the cigarettes I smoke each morning and evening, like the medication I swallow each day and night, I need my daily ‘purge’ of emotional pain in order to get through the day.
But I know this will not always be the case. Once this depressive episode is over I’m sure I will become (once again) more motivated to recover, more motivated to stop doing these things to myself. Whether it be to eradicate the scars and marks from my body, whether it be to stop being controlled by such insidious action or whether it be to no longer be controlled by the addictive nature of my condition, I will stop self-harming again.
Hopefully for good.