All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 02

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Today’s prompt in the 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge asks
What part of your body is most affected by it?

When I look back on the twenty-two years that I’ve been self-harming, I realise that the body parts most affected have changed as I’ve grown older. As a young teenager I would focus my self-harm almost exclusively on my legs (mainly upper thighs) as I could easily hide the cuts with my school trousers and jeans.

But as I grew older – into my late teens and early twenties – I tended to focus my self-harm on my arms, back and buttocks (the latter two being achieved through self-flagellation with a belt). As it had been when I was young teenager, this was primarily so I could hide the marks from the prying eyes of other people but also because I had become concerned over the scars on my legs and felt I needed to assault a different part of my body in order to give them a ‘chance to heal’.

After my breakdown in 2007 – one of the wildest periods of self-harm in my life – no part of my body was immune to being self-harmed; legs (both upper and lower), feet, arms, chest, stomach, back, buttocks…everything had some degree of injury upon it. Even eternally visible parts of my body (such as my hands and head) were adorned with the clear cuts of self-harm meaning that, for the first time in my life, other people could clearly see what I was doing to myself. But at this point in time I no longer cared. My mind had disintegrated and other people knowing I self-harmed was the last thing I had to worry about.

When I was homeless it was my arms and hands that bore the full brunt of my self-harming, mainly because they were the easiest parts of my body to access whilst living in the various parks and alleys that were my ‘home’ during this period.

But now I am more secure in my living arrangements, I have come full circle and tend to focus my self-harm exclusively on my legs as it is easier to hide the marks from other people (given I never wear shorts) and taps into the memories of my early days of self-harm and the emotional release I used to receive way back when.

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3 thoughts on “30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Day 02

  1. It is much more fun if you get someone else to flagellate you. If you flagellate yourself your desire to self protect yourself cuts in. When someone else flagellates you they can go and go to their heart’s content. I love good hard flagellation. I am looking forward to having some (much in fact) at a BDSM Play party I am attending on Sunday.

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    • Completely agree about the desire to protect yourself cutting in when you’re flagellating yourself, although with some grit and determination it is possible to push through (even if it is just a little!) Hope you had fun at your BDSM play party! :)

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      • Thank you very much for your reply Addy to my comments on flagellation. I never know exactly what is going to happen at BDSM Play parties. That is one of the reasons I like them so much. I start off in a high state of tension and that only increases as time goes on. After awhile I think that for one reason or another I may not experience any play at all on that occasion. This was what actually happened at the last BDSM Play party. I was a little disappointed but I took it all in my stride.

        Addy, I started reading your posts when I discovered a reference in one of them that had something to do with flagellation. I am right into BDSM, specifically Impact Play. I read your posts on self-harm. It is something outside of my experience, though I am very sure that if other people knew that I like to be flagellated they would say that that was self-harm. Yes I can whack myself, to a certain extent and make myself go ow and even leave temporary marks and redness. I find that I can take much more pain when it is other-inflicted. I absolutely love the after effects of flagellation. I love looking at the marks and even going ow, ow , ow!!! when I sit down on toilet seat and leap up straight away if I happen to have forgotten that I am sore there. Straight away I smile to myself as I recall why I am sore there and who it was who caused me to be so sore. I replay the scene over and over in my mind. I hope that you do not think that I am reading your posts with a less than honourable motive. If I cause you any offence at all please accept my apologies and let me know. Addy I admire your courage in speaking out on the matters that you do in your blog. I would like you to know that I am supportive of you.

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