All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Still here, still fighting!

11 Comments

Ever since I attended the GT House run camp earlier this year, my mood has been on the decline. In fact, it’s the longest and most debilitating decline in my mental health since the end of my homelessness in 2012. Hence why I haven’t been blogging over the last few months, for there are only so many times you can write “I feel shit”, “Life has no meaning” or “I have nothing to say” without people becoming incredibly bored by your monotonous melancholia.

But the time has come for me to at least make an effort in resurrecting this blog from the depths of despair (and dwindling statistics) by writing upon it once more. And what better place to start than a whirlwind tour of my ‘life’ over the last few months.

Support Worker

My last post noted the fact that I would be losing my support worker due to funding changes with the mental health organisation I frequent. I have now lost my support worker (and with them, my only real chance to communicate with someone face-to-face!) I have registered with two different organisations in an attempt to gain a new support worker and am now in the process of just waiting for them to respond to my referrals. Hopefully I will have a new support worker soon otherwise I fear a lot of my work with my isolation and social anxiety will be undone.

Sleep

This time last year I was lucky to get an hour of sleep a night. This year, and for the last several months, I have become the opposite of the insomniac I once was. Most nights I sleep for at least twelve hours, sometimes as much as fifteen or sixteen, and wake up feeling more tired than I was when I went to sleep. It has been pointed out to me that an increase of sleep often goes hand in hand with depression, which doesn’t surprise me given my mood, but as I miss out on psychosocial rehabilitation groups and other appointments because of this sleep (alarms do nothing to wake me up) I am becoming more and more frustrated with this aspect of my current life.

Monotony

Over the last few months life has taken on an ever-increasing air of monotony. There is little to no deviation in my life or its day-to-day activities. I awake after a lengthy sleep, listen to the radio, go down the road, come home, watch DVDs, (sometimes) cook dinner then go to bed for another lengthy night’s sleep. There is no joy in doing any of this, no excitement or stimulation, it is just the same actions day after day after day – all causing me to question what my life is for.

Self-Harm

Although it is far from the worst it’s ever been, my self-harm has been on the increase over the last few months. It doesn’t surprise me that this is the case given there has always been a link between depression and self-harm for me, but it does scare me the lengths I have gone to in order to get the ‘hit’ that I need from my self-harm activities.

Suicide

As such, it should come as no surprise that I have been considering suicide on an ever-increasing basis over the last few months. My life has such little point or purpose that I fail to see why I should go on living and my isolated nature means few people would miss me if I were to shuffle off this mortal coil. I’m scared that if this depressive episode goes on any longer it will culminate in an attempt at some point in the future, just as other elongated episodes have throughout my life.

The one bright light in the darkness

The only thing that has brought me any pleasure over the last few months came as a gift from my brother, who sent me his Wii U console to borrow so I could play through the only Zelda game I had never played; The Wind Waker. The Zelda series of games have always been a source of great inspiration and excitement for me, so whilst playing through this wondrous game I was able to forget the darkness that surrounded me and focus on the light this video game provided.

And with that my first post in nearly three months comes to a close. It’s not the happy and fluffy post that will lift the heart’s of my readers, nor is it the chirpy and inspiring post that will lift my dwindling statistics, but it is a post none-the-less.

And that is something I have always strived to highlight on this blog. This blog has never been about my journey to recovery from mental illness, it has always been about my journey toward recovery from mental illness. And when you have yet to reach that mythical (but attainable) state of recovery you will face a myriad of pitfalls and trap doors along the way. Right now I’m not in a good place. Far from it.

But I am still here, and still trying to battle through things.

Until next time… xx

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11 thoughts on “Still here, still fighting!

  1. Addy
    It is good to hear from you! Wish I had some sage words for you but if nothing else know that I have wondered often over the last three months about you and worried some too.

    Wishing you a peaceful start to your day. Glad you are writing again.

    Best
    Amy W

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your wishes. Don’t worry about not having any sage words for me, I think I’ve heard them all anyway, it’s just nice to know that someone has been thinking of me from time to time! :)

      Have a wonderful day.

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  2. Hey Addy!
    I love your blog. I love that you give a voice to we, the voiceless.
    You are shattering the silence, and breaking the stigma.
    Keep on keeping on, brother!
    Nell

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s typical of mental health that the support you were getting finishes before the new support system is in place. Let’s hope it gets sorted soon we don’t want all the good work with your support worker to date being lost.

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    • I completely agree, but knowing the mental health system in Australia I’m expecting it to be at least a month before anything happens, if not longer! :(

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  4. so sorry your so down me too your not alone keep fighting or maybe don’t fight just bex

    Date: Sat, 2 Aug 2014 05:25:13 +0000
    To: jkr4632@hotmail.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sorry to hear that you’re down at the moment. I’d love to be able to just ‘be’ but I fear I’ve been fighting for so long I don’t know any other head-space to be in. Perhaps one day I will figure it out.

      Take care of yourself! :)

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  5. Addy, hi there. It was great to read your post. It has been a while. It seems to me that your life is like a pendulum, going from one extreme to another. You are now getting too much sleep. That is as bad as not getting enough. Aim to get 8 Hours sleep per night. Set an alarm clock for 8 hours after you go to bed and get out of bed when it goes off. Find things to do. You need to meet more people. A good place to do that is church. Find a good church where the Bible is faithfully taught, start going to it and talk to people there. Suicide is never an answer. Suicide is a permanent solution for a short term problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment. I often use a pendulum metaphor with my counselor to describe my moods and the like so completely understand what you’re saying. Alas, alarms have no effect with my sleeping at the moment. I reguarly set several alarms each morning but sleep through every single one of them. I’ve even tried changing them to louder, more unpleasant noises but to no avail. So at the moment I feel I just need to wait it out and hope that my body corrects itself on its own.

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