All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

A letter to Samantha, by Meadhbh

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The following is a letter written by Meadhbh to Samantha, a dear friend who passed away in 2008. It originally appeared on my now defunct blog “Imaginary Menagerie: My Journey with Hearing Voices” and Meadhbh has asked for it to be re-posted here to mark the anniversary of Samantha’s death.


2 July 2013

Dear Samantha,

Two weeks ago, my Andrew took me to a Survivors of Suicide event that was held near to where we live. It was the Winter Solstice and you would have liked it. There was pretty music, fire pits, sexy strong firemen and lots and lots of autumn leaves. They were really pretty yellows, oranges and browns, and very very very crinkly crunchy fun to stomp through. I made Andrew take some home with him which he has put on the wall. One is for Rachel, one is for Stephanie and one is for you. Yours has a wee hole in it which I told him was the hole you have left in our hearts.

I know it’s silly sending you a letter because you don’t know who I am. You wouldn’t have liked me very much because I was very mean back then. But I liked you and I told him how much I liked you and how much I miss you. You made my Andrew smile and back then I didn’t like it when he smiled. I wanted to hurt him. Not in the way he hurt you but in a nasty, bitchy-witch-bitch way. Yeah. You wouldn’t have liked me very much. So we stopped and talked about you and how much we missed you. The way you made him smile. The way you made him laugh. The way you shone a light on all those small stitches that make up the multi-coloured tapestry that is him. He says that a lot because it makes him think of you.

Then I told him that I liked the way you used to eat your MacMuffins. And that the way you said the word tangerine made me giggle. I really really liked the ladybug undies you wore in Glasgow because it made your bum look like it was covered in cutey cute ladybugs but I felt silly telling him that even though I know he was thinking the same thing.

I felt sad when you died. I didn’t know what to do so I took it out on my Andrew. I told him that it was his fault you died and that made him feel sadder. I know it was wrong but I didn’t know what else to do and I’m sorry because you wouldn’t have wanted him to think it was his fault which he has always thought it was. I told him when I told him it was your leaf that I was wrong to blame him but I don’t think he believed me because he misses you so much.

I want him to write about you on his blog but he isn’t writing anything at the moment and I think writing about you makes him sad. I told him to think about your mountaineering ladybugs and how much you made him smile and laugh and feel happy but that just makes him cry. I don’t like it when my Andrew’s sad because he should be happy and you made him happy so I wanted you to know that.

I coloured you a picture the day after the Survivors of Suicide evening. Her name is Fawn and she is a Disney Fairy. The bird is Andrew because Fawn is making him very happy the way that you used to make him very happy. I made your clothes red because I know you liked the colour red. Fawn is a friend of Silvermist, who is a Disney Fairy that looks like me. I like to think we are both fairies and we are both friends who play and laugh and smile together. I hope you like it. :)

I’m not very good at writing letters but I wanted to say all that.

Lots and lots of loving love hugs,
Meadhbh xxxxxx


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