All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

{NSFW} 22. Trust, communication and individuality

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This is the twenty-second day of the 30 Days of Kink Challenge, as such it contains adult (and spankolicious) content.

What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy?
How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Because it is taking me so long to complete this challenge (it began in November 2012!) and I’ve vowed to finish it before the end of 2013, I’ve decided to freewrite the remainder of the prompts. As such, please excuse any spelling and/or grammatical mistakes that may occur for they are all part and parcel of this form of writing.

Although I’ve never been in a BDSM relationship – the closest I ever came was my spanking friendship with Samantha – I don’t think there are any real differences from a vanilla relationship. In fact, there are several areas where I think a BDSM relationship requires a greater level of commitment than a vanilla relationship.

Take trust, for example. This is of paramount importance in any relationship that you may find yourself in, be it sexual, platonic or business. If you don’t trust your partner/friend then it is unlikely that the relationship will ever become something more complicated and rewarding. But in a BDSM relationship trust becomes more intimate and important as you are putting yourself in the middle of a physical and emotional minefield.

You have to trust that your partner will keep within the pre-allotted boundaries; that they will accept your pain threshold, hard limits and safe-words. You have to trust that your partner will not scream your sexual predilections from the rooftop; that they will accept your need for privacy, security and individuality.

Also of greater importance within a BDSM/spanking relationship is communication. In a BDSM relationship you are sharing parts of yourself that you may have mixed feelings about; fantasies, beliefs and needs that, outside of a BDSM relationship, people may look down on with scorn and judgment.

Without adequate communication these needs may not be understood properly. Your partner may misinterpret your hard limits and – inadvertently – push you into areas that you are not comfortable in entering.

I also believe that in a BDSM relationship there is a greater level of acceptance of individuality.

In all the vanilla relationships I’ve been in, there was a tremendous amount of judgment and (both accidental and deliberate) humiliation as a result of various needs and desires that were either not shared or not understood. This humiliation shamed me into believing there was something wrong with me; that I was broken, beyond repair and, for want of a better word, evil.

But – even though our fantasies differed from time to time – there was no such judgment from Samantha. She accepted me and whatever my desires were, just as I accepted her and the myriad of desires that lurked within her soul. We saw through the socially acceptable norms of a person’s sexuality and spent time with the individual within, regardless of everything else.

To be honest, based on my spanking friendship with Samantha, which was frequently more intimate and rewarding than any of my sexual relationships, I would much prefer to be in a BDSM/spanking relationship than a vanilla relationship. The deeper levels of trust, communication and acceptance of individuality were intoxicating, so much so that it’s hard to imagine ever going back.

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