All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Ruminations on (possibly) the best month in years!

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I’m not travelling very well at the moment. My motivation has evaporated, my brain is foggy and I’ve (once again) been retreating from the world in the hope that isolation will protect me. Exactly what I’m trying to protect myself from is beyond me, but for the last two/three weeks something has been happening to cause my subconscious mind to adopt all manner of protective measures.

In a conversation with my counselor this afternoon, as nothing monumental could be identified as being the singular cause of my current malaise, it was decided that it was an accumulation of everything that’s been happening over the last ten months, culminating three weeks ago with the public speaking venture I undertook occurring the same week as the anniversary of a suicide attempt.

It doesn’t help that in eighteen days I will be heading to Melbourne for the first time since I was homeless there in 2011. Although I should be (and am) excited by this adventure, there is a lot of trepidation about my return to the city I used to call ‘home’ because of the number of possible triggers and negative memories that will flood me whilst there.

What’s compounding this current rough-patch is my inability to ‘ground myself’ in the moment. All of the exercises I’ve used in the past have had little to no effect on me in recent weeks, forcing me to live in a constant heightened state, unable to relax, unable to focus and unable to utilize any of the coping mechanisms I’ve learned over the years.

So, to help ground me in this moment, I’ve decided to spend a little time focusing on some of the positive things that will (hopefully) be occurring throughout the month of November.

1. Melbourne

However much I am dreading the (inevitable) avalanche of negative emotions and memories, I am desperately looking forward to my first “holiday” since 2008!

2. Doctor Who’s 50th Anniversary

On the 23rd November 1963, a television series began airing on UK television that, fifty years later, is a world-wide phenomenon. I have been a fan of this television series for twenty-five years and words cannot describe how excited I am by the forthcoming anniversary special.

dw50

3. Arts and Culture

One of the things I’m most looking forward to doing on my return to Melbourne is to revisit the galleries and museums that populate the city. Although these locations were instrumental to my homeless survival, my love affair with them stretches back over eleven years and I am much looking forward to moseying around their hallowed halls once again.

4. I may get to cross “Item 1” from my list of things to do before I die (!)

There is still a big question mark surrounding this as I still need to overcome the financial obstacle in my way, but if I can make this work in the weeks ahead I’m sure to experience happiness of the like I’ve never before experienced! I’ll keep you posted! :p

5. The ocean

It has been nearly four years since I last saw the ocean. I want to stand on the beach and stare out over the inspirational rolling waves. I want to throw off my shoes and feel the seas power between my toes. During my time in Melbourne, this will be possible! :)

6. Monsters University

As with most films these days, I missed this latest Pixar classic on its cinema release and both Meadhbh and I are looking forward to watching it upon its DVD release on the 12 November.

url

7. Federation Square

This architectural wonder has its detractors, but I have loved it since I first visited it way back in 2002. I’ve no doubt that it will be one of the first places I re-visit upon arriving back in Melbourne.

8. Trains

I would never say I was a train-spotter, but ever since journeying the width of Canada by train I’ve loved being on these metallic behemoths. I will be getting to and from Melbourne by train so am gleefully anticipating this part of my trip!

9. Man of Steel

Much like Monsters University above, I missed this movie on its cinema release and am counting down the days for its DVD release next week.

10. The “15 Day Blog Challenge”

Following last month’s 30 Days of Mental Illness Awareness Challenge I’ve decided that working through another blog challenge would be good for my concentration and focus. As I will be heading to Melbourne on the 18th, I decided a short fifteen day challenge would fit nicely into the time schedule so settled on a challenge I found on the blog Life of Love.

15DayChallenge

I will be commencing this challenge on the 1 November 2013…

11. The Unfinished Blog Challenges

I began the 30 Days of Kink challenge in November 2012 and never finished it. Similarly, I began the Try Looking At It Through My Eyes challenge in May of this year and never finished it. Thus, I have decided to complete the remainder of these challenges over the coming weeks. Fingers crossed! :)

12. Being able to say ‘f*** you homeless, I beat your ass’ in the Kings Domain

This was one of my goals for 2013 and I can pretty much guarantee you that, after walking through Federation Square, I will be heading to my old “home” on the first night I’m in Melbourne.

13. My birthday

Generally, I don’t celebrate my birthday in any way, shape or form…but I’m hoping this year I will be able to get through the day with a smile and giggle rather than a frown and grumble. :)

There is a lot that can go wrong…but as long as I continue to focus on what will go right, it could become one of the best months of recent years and knock my current discombobulated mind on its ass.

But like with everything in life, only time will tell what eventuates! :)

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One thought on “Ruminations on (possibly) the best month in years!

  1. I can understand why going back to Melbourne will be a difficult time. However, I think you may well find that it is just what you need. Don’t be disheartened. It’s less than a month until Day of the Doctor ;-)

    Like

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