All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

{NSFW} 19. If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner

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WARNING_SPANKINGS

This is the nineteenth day of the 30 Days of Kink Challenge,
as such it contains adult content and the (self) spanking of consenting adults!

~ Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life?  If so, what are they? ~


dreams_final1

In early 2008 Sammi had decided enough was enough when it came to my lack of self-confidence. Over the course of the five months we’d been in contact she’d grown tired of my constant self-deprecation, frustrated with my inability to believe in myself and incredibly angry over the way I view myself.

Where I saw a pathetic, useless, ugly, worthless imbecile who would never amount to anything; she saw a vibrant, passionate, intelligent, creative man who could move planets if he tried.

In fact, according to her, my opinion of myself was “about as far from reality as it was possible to be” and drastic action was needed to change the way I thought. In a sternly worded email she had decided this ‘drastic action’ would need to challenge my insecurities on several fronts (including body image, thought processes and intimacy) were it to have any effect, and the best way she could implement this from a distance was to oversee a self spanking via webcam; something that had been suggested, but vetoed by me, many times in the past. She concluded that unless I had an iron clad concrete incased reason not to – which I didn’t – the self spanking would be set in stone for the 12 March 2008, at 8pm.

When the allotted time and date rolled around, my anxiety was in complete control, but unlike other times she had seen me lost to this demon she never once deviated from her course of action. I was going to spank myself that night and she was going to do whatever it took to make it happen!

During an anxious conversation I explained one of my core fears that was preventing me from spanking myself in front of her; I was terrified that her seeing me doing something so weird and bizarre would put our friendship in jeopardy because it would make her, and others, realise how pathetic I was.

As soon as I voiced this the response was immediate:

SAMMI: So? When I spank myself in front of you, you’re thinking I’m some weird, twisted little freak are you?
ME: It’s different.
SAMMI: Why? I need to be spanked. I don’t have anyone to spank me. I spank myself. Isn’t that why you do it?
ME: Yes, but it’s not the same.
SAMMI: And I ask again, why?
ME: Because you’re a woman.
SAMMI: SO?
ME: You have a sexier arse than me.
SAMMI: Bollocks. Do I feel weird when I’m spanking myself? Yes. Would I prefer someone to do it for me? Course. Do I care what others think? No. Fuck ’em!
ME: How do you do that?
SAMMI: How do I not care what other people think? Addy, hon, you’re the ONLY person I’ve spanked myself for. Have you told anyone?
ME: No. Course not.
SAMMI: So who the hell is gonna know? I don’t care if you know. I love spanking myself in front of you because I know you’re into spanking as much as me. It’s kinda hot.
ME: Like I said, you have a sexier arse than me.
SAMMI: And again, bollocks. Listen, Addy, the whole point of this is to challenge your insecurities. I get that you’re nervous about being naked in front of me, I felt the same thing when I started doing it with you, but seriously, I don’t care if you’re arse isn’t as spectacular as Johnny Depp’s. I like it and you like it too. I know you do.
ME: I do :p
SAMMI: And as for other people? FUCK what they think. Seriously Addy. If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner. Set yourself free otherwise you’ll look back on your life and regret not being your awesome self more.
SAMMI: Like I know you regret so much already x
ME: It’s just hard.
SAMMI: I know :)
SAMMI: And I’ll make it as easy as I can because I want you to do this.
SAMMI: And I know you want to do it too otherwise you wouldn’t be online.
ME: True.
SAMMI: So fuck what other people think. Fuck what I think. The only thing that matters is you starting to believe how fucking awesome you are!
SAMMI: And that in ten minutes I’m perving on a red hot piece of ass!
SAMMI: Literally! :p x

Suffice to say I did bare my backside, I did spank myself per Sammi’s direction and my ass was (without question) red hot by the time she’d finished with me! In fact, after a couple of minutes I was so focussed on obeying her directions and the warmth being generated I couldn’t give two hoots about what she was thinking; I was just loving every second of it!

Following the spanking I lay face down on my bed and chatted with Sammi for several hours. It didn’t even occur to me until she pointed it out that every time I shifted position I was revealing not only my ass but other body parts most people keep hidden, without showing a hint of embarrassment or anxiety; further evidence she used to inform me I was a moron for thinking the way I did.

Given what we had just shared, the major topic of conversation that night was self spanking. For a while we reminisced about some of the more memorable (and amusing) self spanking sessions we’d partaken in before, in keeping with her ‘teaching me to appreciate who I am’ kick, creating a list of ‘life lessons’ that our self spanking ventures had taught us.

A list that I have decided to share here regardless of how bizarre and embarrassing it is.

Thirteen life lessons learned from self spanking

adapted from a list compiled by Addy and Sammi (2008)

anigif

1. “Never lie…you’ll only live to regret it,” ~ Addy
This lesson was learnt when I was nineteen. After ordering me to self-spank for lying to my manager about a discrepency at work to cover a mistake, Miss Beatrix requested I send her a photograph of my posterior so she could assess whether I was self-spanking enough. The problem was I hadn’t administered the punishment but told her that I had. To continue the deception I found a random photograph online of a well spanked male bottom and sent it to her. It didn’t take long for her to recognise the photograph as not being my arse at all (I think the only-found-in-America paraphenila in the background gave the jig away!) prompting her to initiate a self spanking via the telephone so she could hear and control the speed and strength of the strokes.

2. “Think before you act,” ~ Addy
A lesson that was learnt the day after the above self spanking. After taking several photographs of my scarlet behind in order to send to Miss Beatrix for her approval, it never occurred to me that the staff member responsible for developing the photos (in the pre-digital era) would see them. Cue my face flushing as red as my ass when I paid for my photos.

3. “Solitude is over-rated,” ~ Sammi
This lesson was learnt when Sammi was twenty-two and living in a share house with a couple of girl-friends. Thinking her house-mates were out shopping she’d flipped her skirt up and began spanking herself, managing to build up quite the red bottom before one of her house-mates barged into her room, stopped dead as she saw a clearly aroused Sammi freeze in alarm, before quickly exiting the room without saying a word. When asked how that taught her solitude was over-rated, Sammi went on to explain that two weeks later, whilst drunk, her friend pulled her over her knee for a playful (and very enjoyable) spanking.

4. “Pain equals power,” ~ Addy
This lesson was learnt when I was twenty years old. At the time I had a massive crush on a woman I worked with but had not been able to summon the confidence to ask her out in the months I’d known her. After the self-hate I’d directed at myself for failing to talk to Natalie throughout my school days I decided I needed to take affirmative action. I wrote an email to Miss Beatrix requesting she dictate a self spanking that was more motivational/less punishment in nature in the hope a toasted posterior would provide me with the incentive I needed to push past my self-confidence issues. This spanking took place one morning and as an additional motivation informed me that if I hadn’t tried to call her by 7pm, I would be given a second self spanking that night. This second assault on my bottom didn’t eventuate, for less than an hour after we ended the call, I phoned the woman to ask her out. She didn’t answer, but the fact I’d found the power to push past my confidence issues was a major achievement for me.

5. “Bathrooms are the most dangerous room in the house.” ~ Sammi
This lesson was learnt when Sammi was eighteen. After spontaneously deciding to spank herself with a bath brush whilst taking a shower she became a little over-enthusiastic, slipped, toppled out the bath and cracked her head on the sink. Seconds later her mother rushed into the bathroom to find Sammi sprawled on the floor with blood gushing from her head. On the journey to and from the hospital for stictches, Sammi was relieved that her mother never questioned her about how she slipped or the pinkness of her bottom.

6. “Kitchens are the second most dangerous room in the house.” ~ Addy
I learnt this lesson when I was house-sitting for my aunt and uncle. This was something I would do on a regular basis and always took the opportunity to spank myself as I could do so freely, wherever and whenever I pleased. On this occasion I’d decided to bend over the kitchentable and spank myself with a wooden spoon. At the time I was hardly a proficient self spanker so wasn’t creating much pain…something that was quickly remedied when, mid smack, the kitchen table gave way and I crashed to the floor atop a heap of splintered wood. It took me forever to pull out the splinters and it cost a fortune to replace the table. Fortunately, my aunt believed me when I’d told her I’d sat on it, saving me the embarrassment of the truth.

7. “Do what makes you happy,” ~ Sammi
Sammi learnt this lesson when she was eighteen years old. She had been regularly spanked by her parents from an early age, yet in spite of the regular sore bottoms, she’d never once been given corner-time afterwards. Given her interest in this after-punishment activity she had always thought about it after various self spanking sessions but never gone through with it as it made her feel ‘weird’, ‘stupid’ and ‘beyond effed up’. However, as her desire for corner time grew with every fantasy, she finally thought to herself to just do it. So after spanking herself silly one night, took to the corner and forced herself to stand there for ten minutes with her hands on her head and bottom on display for no-one but her. A diary entry she shared afterwards described it as a ‘watershed moment’ in her life; a moment that taught her to always do what made her happy, regardless of how stupid it made her look to other people.

8. “Hard work is the basis for everything worth while you will achieve in life,” ~ Addy
After nearly five years of on/off self spanking I had never once been able to spank myself beyond my comfort zone. It was something I had repeatedly tried to do and all but given up on until I met Miss Beatrix. Via the telephone, she scolded, lectured and directed my ‘punishment’ to the point that I was spanking so fast and so hard that I began to cry. The moment I did, I stopped self spanking…until Miss Beatrix scolded me for stopping without permission and ordered me to deliver twelve strokes in rapid fire to my right buttock, followed by a second set of twelve to the left buttock. Determined to please my mentor I struck myself as hard and fast as possible and with every stroke landing more or less on the same spot, the explosion of pain was exquisite and the tears that fell genuine. Looking back, the tears were probably more to do with the emotional release of breaking through my comfort zones and other life factors than the actual pain, but the achievement of self spanking myself to tears is something I have never, ever, forgotten.

9. “If you borrow something, put it back,” ~ Sammi
Sammi learnt this lesson the hard way when she was sixteen years old. After borrowing her mother’s hairbrush to spank herself one morning she had forgotten to return it to the rightful place on her mother’s dresser, instead leaving it on the floor of her bedroom. No biggie, when her mother went looking for it that afternoon all she had to do was wander into her daughter’s room and retrieve it…which she did…only to notice Sammi’s secret stash of cigarettes and alcohol hidden under the bed. It took less than eight minutes from when Sammi returned home from hanging with friends to end up bare assed over the sofa getting a spanking she’d never forget. It was the last spanking she ever got from her mum and a spanking that would never have happened had she not chosen to spank herself earlier that day.

10. “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again,” ~ Addy
I learnt this lesson over many, many years. After my first attempt at self spanking when I was fourteen I commented in my diary: “Tried to spank myself tonight, didn’t hurt in the slightest. Are all these people who say spankings hurt lying their fucking arse off or just suffering from mass delusion?” Five years later, after Miss Beatrix helped me spank myself to tears for the first time (see [8] above) I realised I’d just been woefully insufficient in applying the brush that first attempt and just needed lots of practice to hone my skills. Something that could be said for almost everything in life :p

11. “There’s always someone weirder than you,” ~ Sammi
This lesson was leart when Sammi was twenty-two. Whilst listening to someone online explain to her that his method of relaxation was putting on a nappy and sitting in a self made play-pen sucking on a dummy for a couple of hours, something Sammi had zero interest in, she realised whacking her butt with a hairbrush wasn’t all that bizarre after all.

12. “Find something that works for you,” ~ Sammi
It took years for Sammi to learn this lesson. Dozens of self spankings involving hands, slippers, hairbrushes, wooden spoons, rolled up newspapers, belts and bath brushes. She experimented with wooden, plastic and metal clothes hangers. Whipped herself with electrical cords and pounded her ass with bread boards. All in the hope that she would find the ‘one’ implement that gave her the release and sensation she was looking for. In the end she settled on three: a wooden hairbrush, a long handled bath brush and a modified bungee cord.

13. “If you care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner,” ~ Addy
A lesson that Samantha taught me when I was twenty-nine years old and one I’m still trying to get my head around today. As I write this incredibly intimate post revealing something I feel a great deal of embarrassment about, I’m overwhelmed with the same insecurities and anxieties that plagued me on that night five years ago. Even though I’m not baring my ass for all to see, I’m baring my soul and discussing a highly intimate activity that many will not understand. In many respects this is more confronting than a public display of nudity. All of which makes what Samantha was trying to hammer into me all the more important.

The simple fact is it shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks about the stories, information and confessions I’ve revealed in this post. Nor should I be anxious, paranoid or worried about the conclusions people who read it may draw of me. I enjoy self spanking. I’ve learned a great deal from partaking in it. So what? We all do things that others find weird, offensive, twisted and amusing, things that we’d never consider doing ourselves because we just simply don’t share the same desires.

But this doesn’t make us wrong, disgusting or evil.

It makes us human.

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