All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

{NSFW} 17. Setting the record straight

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Nearly a year ago I began working through a blog challenge I found online entitled 30 Days of Kink. It was a  blog challenge that went uncompleted, something that has always annoyed me.

Unsurprisingly, this blog challenge is a little more ‘adult’ than some of the other blog challenges I partake of on this blog.

After the whining password-protected dirge I posted a couple of days ago (which has since been deleted) I’ve decided to pick up the dropped gauntlet and finish off this challenge; partly because I’m tired of starting challenges that I never finish, and partly because I think it would do me good to write about this subject a little more given my current anxieties surrounding it.

So, without further ado, let’s kick off with day seventeen of the 30 Days of Kink challenge: what misconceptions about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

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Misconception #1: Kinky people are either victims of or perpetrators of abuse…

Throughout my life, I’ve been repeatedly emotionally abused, repeatedly physically abused and on one occasion, anally raped. At no point during any of these incidents did I give consent to the person inflicting abuse on me. I never requested it, asked for it or insinuated I wanted it. They chose to abuse me because they wanted to; they didn’t care that I didn’t.

And of all the words in the above sentence, one in particular should stand out, namely: consent.

I can understand why some people believe those interested in kink (in my case, spanking) are abusive (or in the submissive role, victims of abuse) because the behavior is pretty similar.

Many years ago, in a discussion with Louise (my first girlfriend) about my spanking thoughts, I described my wish to receive a spanking as punishment for a real-life infraction. I talked about how I wanted my girlfriend to ‘punish me’ with a spanking and then give a few hugs afterwards to indicate all has been forgiven; a fantasy that, for those not in the know, is a very common fantasy for spankos or those with an interest in domestic discipline.

Louise immediately decided that this fantasy was an abusive one, as it was similar to how abusers had described feeling they needed to punish their victim for an infraction and then show their love afterwards to indicate all was forgiven. It is also very similar to the stages of the cycle of abuse; everything’s fine, an incident occurs, explosion of violence, forgiveness (and/or remorse) and back to everything being well in the world.

But no matter how hard I tried to explain it she refused to believe it was anything other than an abusive fantasy, no matter how desperately I tried to explain that in my fantasy the spanking I received would have been consensual; with safe-words, trust and connection between top/bottom in place; none of which were present when I was being emotionally abused, physically assaulted or anally raped.

For anyone who caught my now deleted winge, you’ll know that I’ve had trouble in the past reconciling my spanking desires with my history of being abused, and I’m sure this is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life.

But as it stands, it frustrates me no end that people decide – usually with little to no conversation – that I want to abuse/be abused purely because of my spanking desires.

Misconception #2: Kinky people are only turned on by their kink…

Horse…shit! That’s pretty much all I have to say about this one. In fact, I touched on this topic in the comment I wrote on The Conversation.

After I shared my spanking fantasies with each of my girlfriends they were each very quick to decide that this is all I wanted in a sex life. That it was the only thing that turned me on. That I spent every minute of the day thinking about it. That nothing else would ever rouse the organ betwixt my legs.

Horse…shit! Is still pretty much all I have to say about this one.

Yes, I enjoy tying people up, being tied up, blindfolds and the odd costume, role-play or plaything. And yes, I obviously enjoy the occasional spanking.

But I also enjoy all the things ‘vanilla’ people enjoy, like massaging, cunnilingus, squeezing, kissing, sexy underwear and sexual intercourse.

As I’ve said many times in the past, my spanking fetish, like my mental health and (ex) homelessness is but one small part of me; it is not the be all and end all of me. It never will be.

Misconception #3: That my spanking fetish means I must also enjoy everything under the BDSM umbrella…

I’m a spanking purist (or a spanko, for shorthand). I enjoy the smacking of hand or implement on the buttocks. This is my interest; this is where my passion in this area of life lies.

If other people wish to be suspended from piano wire, slip on gimp masks, have electrodes attached to their genitalia or put on animal costumes, all power to them.

But it’s just not me; and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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