All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

A pendulum gradually grinding to a halt

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monotony

“It wasn’t like there was some obvious change. Actually, the problem was more a lack of change. Nothing about her had changed – the way she spoke, her clothes, the topics she chose to talk about, her opinions – they were all the same as before. Their relationship was like a pendulum gradually grinding to a halt, and he felt out of synch.”
~ Haruki Murakami ~

Everyone is always telling me that I’m changing. My support worker, my counselor, attendees of the Hearing Voices Support Group, random employees of the service I use. They tell me that I’m not the person I was when I walked through their doors nearly twelve months ago. That I am coming out of my shell. That I have grown exponentially and will soon take to the sky and soar off into the stars.

Okay, so maybe they haven’t said it quite like that, but that’s what they mean.

What my support worker did say – in reference to my lack of sleep – was that “something” was missing. The blood tests didn’t pick up anything notable (aside from various deficiencies) and the medication should have (but didn’t) rectify the problem. The comment had been aimed at some hitherto unknown reason as to why I don’t sleep; that if we could just work out what this is, then things would noticeably approve.

However, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle that is Addy isn’t some mysterious, mythological artifact that needs to be discovered. It is a dishevelled piece of cardboard that has fallen behind the sofa cushion. The missing piece of the puzzle is the monotony that has consumed my life.

It is my isolation, my boredom; my ennui.

Every time I walk through my front door I see the same manky cream walls I’ve been looking at for the last year and a half, smell the same musty no-amount-of-air-freshener-dents-it odor that I’ve been smelling for the last eighteen months, feel the same loneliness that’s been crippling me for the last six and a half years!

My days are inherently the same. My body simply going through the motions of get up, go to group, wander the shops, come home, eat food, go to bed, and with it, my mind just goes through the motions as well, stress about my body, worry about what people think of me, replay the abuse I received, relive the trauma I received, worry, worry, worry, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, protect from further pain at all costs.

All of it preventing me from seeing the change others keep telling me I’ve gone through.

The problem is, even though I know all of this. Even though I’ve known all of this for a long, long time. I don’t know what to do about it. I require routine. It’s not just something that’s good for me; it’s something I need. Without routine my moods become unstable, veering erratically from depression to mania to suicidal ideation to hypomania in the blink of an eye.

So my question is, what exactly do I do about it? How do I enliven my routine without jeopardising my moods?

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2 thoughts on “A pendulum gradually grinding to a halt

  1. when you feel inspired write something you could do e.g. take a photo of a tree, put in a sealed envelope, when you have got a few envelopes next time you are overcome with the monotony open one envelope and do what it says.

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  2. If you are religious, I’d say ask God what you can do. If you are not religious, go out and try new things. I’ve been where you are. That was my life, and I hated it. My mom kept telling me, “Katie, you need a hobby,” and she was right. I needed more purpose in my life. I needed to see myself the way my Father in Heaven sees me (and I’m still working on that). The more purpose I found in life, the more I began to enjoy living, and the more self worth I felt. I’m sure writing this blog is helpful, even if only in a small way. I know writing is extremely therapeutic for me. Still, strive to do at least one thing every day that makes you happy. This is the only post I’ve read of yours so far, so I have no idea if you’re religious, but if you are, ask God to help you see yourself through his eyes. I’m doing it, and I know other people doing it. It’s working. My mom struggled with depression her whole life, and after praying to see herself through God’s eyes, she’s better. She is free of depression, and that is a complete and utter miracle. Pray to feel God’s love for you. It may not come right away, but he will show you how much you mean to him. You are vital on this Earth. If you are not religious, I’d say to try to see yourself through the eyes of the people that love and care about you. Listen to the good they say about you, and believe it. Take it to heart. I’ve only just begun to learn that, and it’s helping tremendously.

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