All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Thirteen Reasons why I haven’t written anything recently…

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Its-good-to-admit-that

“I’m tired of trying to make it up to you.
Sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth.
I’m tired of pretending everything’s alright.
Let me feel, let me feel, what I’m feeling tonight,”
~ Serena Ryder (from Sweeping the Ashes) ~

1) I think I’ve broken my mind (seriously, does anyone know a king with any men and/or horses?)

On Tuesday 30th April, I sat on my couch staring into space from 5pm to 9am. I didn’t actually go to bed. I just sat there, intermittently bursting into tears, doing absolutely nothing. Fun times! :p

2) I have been depersonalizing and dissociating

Since Tuesday 23rd April, I’ve not been present in my mind, body or life. I have been sitting on a cloud watching a chubby mentally ill (ex) homeless man go about his mundane business whilst making a complete ass of himself.

3) I am no longer capable of laughing

On Sunday 28th April, I watched a marathon of Community and didn’t laugh once. Not once. Given Community is one of my favourite comedy series this is highly irregular!

4) I have begun making (ir)rational decisions

On Saturday 27th April, after packing a backpack, I left my unit and began cycling to Melbourne. The plan was to pick up my ‘homeless life’ after eighteen months of play-acting ‘normalcy’ (aka: an easy way to run away from all the crappy emotions I’m feeling, aka: AVOIDANCE!)

Following a night sleeping rough I came to my senses and returned ‘home’.

5) I think my tear ducts have been malfunctioning

Since Monday 22nd April, I’ve cried at least once a day. I have cried in public. I have cried during my groups. I have cried in the shower. I have cried in parks. I have cried in bed. I have cried on the couch (see [1] above). This is altogether too much crying to be normal.

6) I can no longer concentrate on anything

On Wednesday 24th April, I couldn’t focus on children’s animated classic A Bug’s Life, let alone any of the books/articles/journals/MH workbooks/activities I normally undertake each day.

7) I have entered a (frightening) new stage of dreaming

Normally my PTSD fuelled dreams revolve around either the various assaults I’ve received in my life (especially July ’07) or the emotionally abusive relationship I was in…but now, I’ve begun having incredibly lucid dreams centered around one particular person. To say these have unsettled me would be an understatement.

8) I seem to have lost the ability to control my anxiety

On Friday 26th April, I cycled the thirty minutes or so to my Hearing Voices Support Group but instead of attending, I sat in an alley behind the meeting room for twenty minutes, had a quick cry and then returned home – all due to an inability to control my anxiety as I normally would have.

9) I seem to have become obsessed with bracketing (things)!

Given that in this post alone I’ve bracketed the (ir) of irrational as well as half a dozen other words, letters and phrases, I thought this would be altogether too obvious!

10) I am no longer capable of smiling

Last week’s episode of Doctor Who (Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS) saw Clara wearing a little red dress. Given Sammi was wearing a red dress when I met her, and Jenna Louise Coleman reminds me of Sammi, a smile should have accompanied the cavalcade of memories. It didn’t.

11) I have begun self-medicating again

Since Tuesday 23rd April there has been a (noticeable) increase of: alcohol, cigarettes, coke (as in cola not narcotic) and pizza; all self-medicating substances for me.

12) I have begun self-harming again

Since Monday 22nd April there has been a (noticeable) increase of both invasive and non-invasive self-harm. Part distraction, part release, part trying to re-connect the dissociated parts of myself and part succumbing to my voices.

13) I have lost hope (and I’m not sure I know how to find it again)

Admitting to having lost hope is not easy for me, especially given the importance I’ve placed on it in the past. Thus, this is not a sentence I would ever use lightly, let alone definitively.

“Give us some hope
We haven’t got enough
To keep ourselves filled up
When you drink us empty, drink us dry
And ask us why we’re dry,”

~ Serena Ryder (from Dark as the Black) ~

Apologies for the dark(er) post, I’ve been feeling incredibly humiliated since admitting to my recent trigger face-to-face that they trigger me (I’ll get to that once it’s been processed) and haven’t been dealing well with the fallout it’s had on my anxiety/self-esteem/mood/control/etc. Hopefully ‘normal service’ (i.e. slightly kinky, rambling, occasionally inspiring, perky, strong Addy) will resume soon. Hmmm…given it’s nearly 3am, perhaps some sleep will help!

Until then, I hope you’re all well and having a better run of it than I am at the moment! :)

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6 thoughts on “Thirteen Reasons why I haven’t written anything recently…

  1. Addy, thank you for sharing. I almost feel selfish saying it though. I’ve been wondering why you have been so silent and am grateful for your willingness to keep us informed. I wish I had words to make your experiences less painful, I have no idea what you are going through but know how I would feel in similar situations. Please know there are many of us sending you wishes for peace. Much love coming your way.

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    • Thanks for your comment! :) Sorry it’s taken me a while to respond but writing is still difficult for me to focus on. Feeling so disconnected from everything is a strange mindset to be in and not one I like all that much!

      I’m trying to force myself to write more posts in the hope it starts pulling me out of this mood, whether they’re a tad depressing or not, so hopefully I won’t disappear for quite so long again! :)

      Hope everything is well in your world! :)

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  2. Sad to hear you struggling so much. I really really really really (4’s my lucky number) hope that you can get resolved #13. I know many of the things you listed are signs or symptoms or whatever of things sucking and in a magic world they would all just disappear as soon as you figured out the magic words. Loss of hope though, that’s major and (at least for me) it’s impossible to get anything back under control unless I have some hope. Wishing you the best, and searching for the magic words.

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    • Thanks for your comment! :)

      Through everything I’ve been through I’ve always been able to cling to ‘something’, so I think losing hope has affected me more than anything else. I’m not quite sure at the moment how to rectify this, but I hope I’ll find my magic words soon! Like you, I think it’s impossible to get things under control without hope! :)

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  3. Sorry you’re not feeling your best :( I send hugs!

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