All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

But who can remember pain, once it’s over?


East Beach, Port Fairy

East Beach, Port Fairy © Addy

“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see.”
  ~ Margaret Atwood ~

Seven years ago today I went to Port Fairy to end my life.
Weeks of planning culminated with me sitting on the East Beach with a knife,
my pain having grown too severe for me to deal with.

To this day I can remember with intimate clarity how much I wanted to die,
how much I craved for my insignificant ‘life’ to be over.

Alas, it wasn’t to be.

As I stared out over the Southern Ocean I was reminded of all I would miss,
of the passions that burned in my soul and the desires I’d yet to achieve.

A part of me has always regretted choosing life on that lonely night,
but hidden beneath this regret is pride; of my strength, of my belief,
of my stubborn determination to not let life beat me.

Perhaps one day it will,
but not today.

5 thoughts on “But who can remember pain, once it’s over?

  1. I like your title, but who can remember pain once it is over. I am glad to be Thankful for your life. You did not end your life but you got up and move ahead. When we struggle at time, till a point we cannot bear with it, we make silly choices. I am remind from your post to be always gracefull, thankfull for the life I have. Sometimes, we just need to stop and reflect whether our action is worth or not.
    Thanking God you move ahead with Faith.


  2. I am so grateful for your stubborn determination…I would never have met you, and that makes me sad.

    Many hugs today.


  3. Powerful words. You are brave to have shared them. Thank you!


  4. Sometimes I’m glad I have a pain memory.

    Glad you’re here :)


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