Courtesy of my depressive episode, I spent most of the first month of this year drinking, beating myself up and wishing I was dead. As such I wasn’t able to indulge in the customary ‘goals for the year ahead’ list I normally write. Until now…
♥ ADDY’S ♥
1. Cross item one from the 101 things I want to do before I die list
I began writing my ‘goals for the year ahead lists’ when I was fifteen. This item has been on every single one of them! :p
2. Return to the Kings Domain so I can scream ‘Fuck you homelessness, I beat your ass!”
I haven’t been to the Kings Domain since the last night I slept there (21 June 2011).
Of all the ‘homes’ I had during my time on the street this was by far the longest (nearly two years on/off) and thus has become a place that will forever remind me of that brutal period of my life. I haven’t returned to Melbourne since leaving the city in mid-2011, making this my longest period away from Melbourne since arriving in Australia.
I miss it. I want to go back. I need to scream those seven words to find some form of closure from that nightmare time of my life.
3. Continue going to the Hearing Voices Support Group on a weekly basis
However difficult I’ve found the groups so far – as readers of my Hearing Voices Support Group series will be aware – I’m determined to keep pushing myself to attend. I need to understand my voices. I need to create better relationships with them. And in all honesty, however anxiety inducing the groups have been, I really do enjoy going to them.
So I’m hoping over the next ten months I will continue to do so…and that sooner rather than later I’ll begin feeling more comfortable being there.
4. Keep working toward obtaining ongoing mental health support
As regular readers of my blog will be aware, I have very little support when it comes to my mental health. In fact, for the last six years I’ve had to deal with severe, complicated and ongoing illnesses all on my lonesome – which is probably why they’ve been devolving on a month-by-month basis.
So, as I’ve been doing, I will continue working toward gaining MH support throughout the remainder of this year.
Hopefully this is one goal I will succeed in.
5. Start writing my novel(s) again
I’ve spoken a lot of my desire to write fiction again. I have the characters, I have the plots, I have the skills…I just don’t have the confidence nor the ability to overcome my MH caused fiction writer’s block. So – somehow – I need to find both of these things and just get my ass writing again.
Or rather my hands writing again, as it would be a little difficult to write using that other body part :p
6. Smile more
I rarely smile. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten how.
It’s not because I don’t like smiling (I really, really do!) It’s because I don’t really have all that much to smile about. Hopefully if I keep working my arse off, by the end of this year, smiling will seem as natural as frowning does to me now.
7. Stop procrastinating about writing and sending emails
I am an atrocious emailer. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I keep convincing myself I will be bothering people if I send them an email – when it’s more likely I’m bothering them more by not sending them! Again, it’s all tied up with my confidence and anxiety; like so many of the issues behind the goals I have for this year are.
8. Expand my social networking presence
I don’t use many social networks…Twitter, one that shall remain nameless…but my presence on them is weak at best. I need to communicate on them more. For if I can build my confidence in this area, perhaps I can build it to communicate in real-life as well! :)
9. Go on a holiday
The last ‘holiday’ I went on was in 2008…but that was more ‘therapy’ than holiday as it saw me fighting anxiety and suicidal ideation, kicked out of a B&B and visit a hospital.
I’d love to be able to go somewhere and just chill! Take a hike through the wilderness, climb mountains, spend days photographing all sorts of weird and beautiful images, relax on the beach reading (occasionally) naughty books. You know, the sorts of things that normal people do when they go on holiday!
10. Make at least one new friend (in real-life)
However much I love the wonderful friends I’ve made online (you all know who you are!) it would be quite an achievement if I could make a friend in real-life. Someone whom I could hang out with, share drinks and random conversations with, play Strip with (okay, that would have to be a very close friendship :p)
But although my heart continues to believe that everyone deserves a friend…my brain has convinced me I deserve to spend my life alone.
And that’s a hard belief to break free of after six odd years of isolation.
11. See at least 6 films in the cinema
This amounts to one every two months – which should be completely and utterly achievable…until you remember I only saw two films in the cinema last year! :/
But I’ve already seen one this year (The Hobbit) so there’s only five to go!
12. Write at least one blog post in every month of the year
Now I’ve pretty much decided to continue onwards with my blog (detractors and haters be damned!) I would very much like for this year to be the first that has blog posts written in every month. As I nearly failed before I began – with only a few posts in January – we’ll just have to see how I go :)
13. To stop being so hard on myself all the time and begin believing how seriously freaking awesome I am!
Pretty self-explanatory really…now, I just have to start doing it! :)