All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Day 06: The people I like and why I like them…

7 Comments

ilikeyou

I’ve spent four effing days trying to write this blog post! Three effing days of increasing anxiety over (shock horror) admitting that I actually like people! Is that really something I should be so ashamed of? Something I should chastise myself for? Hate myself for? I’m a human being FFS. In fact, regardless of what my voices, abuse trauma and annoying anxiety inform me, I’m a pretty freaking awesome human being!

I’m intelligent, passionate, creative, talented, generous, compassionate. (or so I like to think :p)

I’m a little weird-looking, sure, but ultimately I’m kinda cute. (I wouldn’t dare say hot! :p)

So what if I suffer from mental illness(es) and have a history of homelessness? These just make me a uniquely complex individual and are nothing I should be ashamed of. They’re certainly not things that deserve life-long isolation.

Yet when it comes to admit to the wider world that I meet people and think ‘yeah, you’re  pretty darn awesome, wanna grab a drink sometime?’ I feel as if I’ve just committed the ultimate sin. Contemplating that people like Addy Lake? Are they insane? How could they possibly like such an imbecile? Must be some sort of trap…!

Cue self-sabotage, self-hate and all sorts of things beginning with the ‘self’ prefix!

(Exasperated sigh)

Three days of writing the same explanation about how I can’t admit to who I like in case they read the blog, recognise themselves and formulate a plan of revenge for having me dare to think they’re awesome, interesting, gorgeous, fantabulous human beings I wouldn’t mind getting to know. Three days of wallowing in socially isolated I don’t deserve company bullshit. Three days of frustration that result in this somewhat out-of-character rant!

So, in rebellion of every pore of my being…mainly because I’m exhausted and sick of thinking that the world will collapse if I dare to admit I like people…without revealing who they are, here’s why I like who I like, platonic or otherwise ;)

(deep breath)

There’s someone who works in a local business that I personally think is gorgeous. Even though I’ve barely spoken to them, what little information I’ve gleaned makes me realise how cool they are, especially as they seem to have a bit of a geeky side. Yet I can’t say two goddamn words to them in fear of instigating the apocalypse!

I met someone recently whom I actually sustained a short conversation with. Their sense of humour is kick-ass, they had a great vibe and appear to be  immensely talented. Yet I can’t even message them online let alone imagine a real-life encounter!

I’ve known this person for quite a while and have liked them from day one. Never ‘like’ liked them, but liked them as a truly inspirational, awesome, platonic friend. Yet I can’t communicate with them in any way, shape or form because I was and am an ass.

There’s someone I talk to from time to time who makes me smile and laugh more than most can manage. They’re a beautiful and brilliant person that I think I could become good friends with. Yet, as always, I freak out when it comes to talking to them incase they realise how moronic I am…and in so doing fulfil my self-fulfilling prophecy of life-long isolation.

Finally, there’s someone I met very recently who appears to be pretty awesome and I’d love to get to know them as a friend. Yet…all of the above yets!

(exhale)

Now, after six odd years of being without social contact, how exactly do I re-teach myself how to communicate with people when communicating with people brings on anxiety and panic attacks?

On a related note, aren’t you glad you’re not me! :p

~|~

Ideas? Tips? Advice?
Seriously. Any helpful hints you awesome, inspirational people have on how to communicate with people would be appreciated.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Day 06: The people I like and why I like them…

  1. You are you and as a result, you are pretty effing awesome. So what if you have a history of homelessnessnessnessness that’s what makes you so uniquely you.

    How do you go about talking to them? First you need to calm your butterflies. Tell them that they are yours to control, they don’t control you. Then you go near them and say something really quiet, so they say “pardon?” or “huh?” At which point, THEY have made the first move.

    Of course my saying it and your doing it are two completely different things. They are easier said than done. Good luck :-)

    Like

    • “Then you go near them and say something really quiet, so they say “pardon?” or “huh?” At which point, THEY have made the first move.”

      LOL. That’s cunning, I like it, it would definitely be much easier if they made the first move. I’ll try give it a go the next time I encounter one of them.

      Thanks for the advice :)

      Like

  2. I think that there is one person who if liked, would solve your problem on liking people. That person is you. You should like you before even thinking about what people would think about you actually liking them. You are awesome I think. I like you and I am not ashamed of it. xx

    Like

    • This is very true. I’ve always been crazily hard on myself (especially since the abuse) and as a result, even though I can see my awesomness from time to time, just don’t like myself very much. This needs to change and I’m hoping all my efforts with social and support groups will reduce my anxiety and, in turn, help me realise that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Fingers crossed :)

      Thank you for the comment. It means a lot :)

      Like

  3. Hmmm I’m confused. You communicate very well with me, and presumably you like me, else you wouldn’t bother. So what’s different? Or rather, to phrase it in a helpful way, perhaps you could try talking to them the way you talk to me.

    Granted, writing an email or a short note isn’t anywhere near the same as speaking in real time, out loud, to a person. And I’m absolutely not minimizing your anxiety. But could you try to talk to someone else as if you were talking to me?

    You’re such a great guy, and I just wish you could see it. Because it’s hard for others to see it when you yourself don’t.

    Like

    • Although sometimes it does spike my anxiety and I’ll spend hours endlessly re-edting messages, emails, comments and forum posts (sometimes for hours/days) I cope much better with online communication than face-to-face. I think it’s because I have a lot more control over what I say and how I say it. Plus, I don’t have to worry about immediate reactions or people judging everything I’m saying, doing and looking like. I can also ‘run away’ for a little while if things get too much – which you can’t really do in real-life without looking a bit odd :p

      A large part of the problem is how I see myself and a large part of that stems from the abuse. In so many ways I can see my greatness but believing in this (and myself) is something I really struggle with. But I agree it’s hard for people to see this when you can’t see it youseself and in turn it’s hard for people to like you if you can’t like yourself.

      And for the record, I do like you :)

      Thank you for your wonderful comment :)

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s