All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

[SOC] Demons of depression

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I wrote this confused stream of consciousness last night (1/1/13) but was unable to post it due to my current internet issues. I don’t know why I’m posting it today as it’s merely me realising I have once again become lost to depression and no longer know what to do about it. But…at least it’s a post, something that has been sorely lacking from this blog of late.

Apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors that occur throughout, they are part and parcel of stream of consciousness writing. Additional apologies for the depressing nature of this post. Not all of us are happy at this time of year.

Demons_of_depression_by_flina

Demons of depression © flina

To say I am struggling at the moment would be an understatement.

On numerous occasions in the lead up to Christmas, and in the only post I have been able to write over this period, I wrote of my hatred of this time of year. The endless stream of articles, radio shows, television reports and newspaper columns devoted to letting us know how wonderful it is to share this time of year with family and friends, with scant regard to the millions of people who have no-one. The people who exist in an isolated state desperately hoping that one day their sentence will end and they’ll finally be able to find some peace.

When I used to write journals, way back when I had a ‘life’, I would always write the obligatory ‘year that was/year that will be’ entry. I would relive the joyous moments I did not want to forget and plan for twelve months that would move me closer toward my goals. But I can’t do that anymore. The only highlight of this year was getting my unit, but I am starting to look on that as a curse, rather than a gift. Years of hunting and working myself to exhaustion finally paid off but for what? All it has done is become my prison.

Every day I wake up to be reminded of how alone I am, how poor I am, how uneducated I am, how worthless I am, and every moment I am reminded of this my abuser laughs her cruel laugh and reminds me that this was all I would ever amount to. That this is all I deserve.

Her, and my other voices, have increased in volume and frequency over the last few weeks. Each and every day a cacophony of voices accompany my every waking moment, rendering me unable to think, focus, work or function. I have done little to nothing of value aside from resort back to alcohol and self-harm in order to achieve even a few moments of peace amidst the din.

I cannot leave the house. I cannot eat. I cannot shower. Smile. Or laugh. And I definitely can’t sleep. The moment I close my eyes the demons rise and the nightmares reign. Over the last few weeks the dreams have become more vivid and painful than ever; no longer flashes of confusion but HD replays of the most painful, regrettable and destructive moments of my life.

All of which reminding me that I have achieved nothing in (nearly) six years. In fact with every year that has passed since my breakdown I have devolved. My mind has slipped further and further into the abyss with every month that passes. Every effort I have made to gain support, education, employment, respect or to achieve something that I could be proud of has failed, and as a counselor put it a few weeks ago,each successive ‘failure’ proving (to my broken mind) that everything my abuser said about me was the truth. All those words of colorful description; pathetic, useless, a waste of space, better off dead, disgusting, repulsive, worthless, evil, becoming much harder to fight, much harder to believe are not an apt description of myself.

Six years ago today she publicly humiliated me for expressing an inconsequential opinion – yet the burn of my blushing cheeks, the sound of the laughter, the shame that filled my heart, the wetness of the water that cascaded over my hair, the dampness of my shirt as it clung to my chest can still be felt as if it were yesterday.

The event played out in my dreams last night, was relived at various moments throughout the day, feeding into the whirlwind of negative thought that has ravaged my heart and soul over the last several weeks, further proving that no matter what effort I make to move past it, my mind is still lost in the trauma and pain of that period.

At least when I was on the streets I could focus on survival; a repetitive cycle that distracted me from the ‘failure’ that is my ‘life’. But now I am in my prison the only cycle is the endless reminder that she was right. That no matter what I do I will never succeed in anything. That her words and actions were not insult or attack but incidents of truth, all of which I deserved.

A cycle that feeds, rather than distracts from, my depression.

Yes, to say I am struggling at the moment would be an understatement. My mind once again has become the residence of the hideous demon that is depression; a demon that with every year that passes is becoming harder and harder to fight.

I cannot look forward to 2013 because no matter what I would like to achieve (return to education, have a holiday, write an eBook, cross item [1] off the things to do before I die list, move past the trauma of the past) I am convinced it will amount to nothing, for all five of these things have been on my list of ‘things to achieve in the year ahead’ since 2007; only now, the trauma of the past is ten thousand times worse than it was then!

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. This endless pain is becoming harder and harder to deal with without external aids (such as alcohol) and, not for the first time, I am losing hope not only for myself but for the world.

You’d think I’d be used to ‘living’ like this by now. That being alone should no longer get to me. That having nothing shouldn’t bother me. That I should have just accepted being inconsequential is my destiny. But I’m not. And I don’t think I will ever get used to living like this.

For no matter how much I’ve been convinced that I deserve all that has happened to me, I still have vague memories of the man I once was; creative, passionate, caring, determined, imaginative, sensual and the things he used to do; laugh, talk, hug, kiss, tickle, squeeze and smile. And as long as those memories are there, however distant, however unbelievable, I will keep trying to prove that the world has me wrong.

That this is who I am – not who she made me believe I was.

So although I’m not looking forward to this year in any way shape and form, I do have one sneaking suspicion. This is the year that will change everything; 2013 will either make me or break me completely.

Simply because I can’t deal with another year like the last six of my life.

I just can’t.

I won’t.

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21 thoughts on “[SOC] Demons of depression

  1. love the picture, Thinking of you and hope 2013 will be brighter and healthier for you

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  2. I hope that 2013 is better than the last few for you, Addy. Good luck

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  3. Addy, I just want to say that whoever “she” is, has been very wrong in her view of you. She is really nothing but as long as she is something in your mind, she has succeeded. She is this demon that keeps attacking you. I hope that one day you will think of her words and actions and see her for what she is. Only someone low and without basic human decentcy would be so cruel. Even if it was your mother. You are better than this person just by your humblness and concern.
    I don’t know all of your hurts, I don’t even know you that well. But I have had a great respect for you ever since I began reading your blog. From what I can see, you really have come so far. I understand, though, how depression is. It takes away every thought of the good things. Even though they are still there, you can not see them. I pray that somewhere in 2013 you will see these demons for what they are. They are the only things holding you back from succeeding in life. Without them, you will be free to find what makes you happy and what things you can accomplish. I hope that your year will be free from all that holds you back. (((hugs)))

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  4. I too, along with lala, know the pain of depression, as well as the pain of watching someone I love struggle with it. This time of year is so very hard–here in the Northern climes, it’s also a time of limited sunlight and cold temperatures. I hate it.

    Perhaps the fact that you are no longer having to focus on survival means that your mind is now being forced to grapple with and come to terms with this horrible person which necessarily means a giant increase in painful thoughts. I know in your head you know she was wrong (in every way) about you, but please try to wrap your heart around what lala said: you are better than she, and she should not be allowed to define you. Try to think daily (hourly) (minutely) about proving her wrong and thus getting your revenge on her in the best possible way. :)

    Also, only you can define your success. Who cares what the world thinks!? Having said that, I commend you for achieving things I’m not sure I would have been able to. You are a strong, deeply lovable person. Don’t listen to any voices that tell you differently!!

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  5. That picture is spot on.

    I also remember the man I was and the better person I could be in so many areas if not for this illness. But I try these days to focus more on the man I am (fighting those demons) than the man I was and I take some small ounce of dignity from that achievement.

    Beautiful comments from lala and Cat … hard to accept and absorb – but hope you can soon.

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  6. Dude, I just want to give you a hug. But then I want to slap you. You have had troubles, you have had pain, you have hurt people and people have hurt you. Big deal, that is life. You make amends to the things you do, but nothing more than that. You don’t have to punish yourself forever.

    For whatever reason, you hold onto to much bad stuff, as a way of punishing yourself. It’s just guilt, its not more than that. Move on brother, please.

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    • Well, clearly, I think we can see that it IS a Big Deal, or yeah… God, depression just bites. Everything bad that has ever happened comes back and blots out all the good. I wish it were as easy to DO “moving on” as it is to SAY it….

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      • I wasn’t talking about depression, I was talking about guilt, which is a choice of holding onto, or making amends and moving on. Did you even read my comment?

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        • I did, of course, or I wouldn’t have responded. And, speaking for myself, the guilt is wrapped up in the depression so completely that it’s quite impossible to separate the two. And please, do you have to be combative?

          For example, it’s bloody hard to make amends and move on when the person with whom I need to do that with is dead. Yet I don’t really want to “punish myself forever” either, so I’m working on it.

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          • I am sorry, but your comment was condescending and equally combative. I am sorry for your situation but my comment was responding to that, I was directly referring to Addy and in my opinion, he is holding onto a lot of stuff he doesn’t need to.

            I am have suffered with depression, so I am not naive to think that it can be just willed away. But I do know that eventually you need to tell yourself that some stuff has happened which you cannot change, you can either drown in it, or you can own, deal with it and leave it where it belongs in the past. You can wait for this to come with time or you can be proactive and do it yourself.

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  7. So sorry. Wishing you peace, and a better year, Addy.

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  8. Hey, Addy, have you ever met Julia Kovach on the blog circuit? Her blog, Journey with Julia, is about coping with bi-bolar depression. You might want to visit her.
    http://juliakovach.wordpress.com/

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  9. So sorry you are dealing with the demon. I hope 2013 is a better year for you.

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  10. Hi Addy, I stumbled across your blog today and wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and to thank you for writing and sharing your experiences with such candor. Wishing you a brighter and healthier 2013. -MU

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  11. Pingback: Little moments of why? « Little moments of success

  12. I’m glad you stated that you remember the man that was, “…creative, passionate, caring, determined, imaginative, sensual and the things he used to do; laugh, talk, hug, kiss, tickle, squeeze and smile”. This part of you that knows “the real Addy”, hold on to it. I KNOW, I know, it feels hopeless. It’s not. You’re not. You owe it to that man you used to be to not give up, the one who from time to time peeks his head out from the shadows.

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  13. I love your blog and I have nominated YOU for The Versatile Blogger Award! If you wish to accept, check out the post at http://growinguplittle.wordpress.com/2013/01/16/versatile-blogger-award/
    CONGRATS!

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  14. Hi Addy.

    Really missing your presence on here. Hope you come back to us soon!

    I have pledged you as part of the “Blog for Mental Health 2013″ initiative. You can see my pledge at http://bipolarbeach.wordpress.com/2013/01/26/blog-for-mental-health-2013/ and you can also find out more about this at: http://acanvasoftheminds.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/blog-for-mental-health-2013/.

    Take care mate and hope this message finds you well.

    Kind Regards,

    Anthony

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  15. Hi Addy,

    It’s been awhile since your last post. Like Anthony said I missed your presence here. I hope you’re okay and will come back soon.

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