All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Saturday 9: Blue Christmas

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Saturday 9 is a weekly blogging meme hosted by Crazy Sam Winters (she added the crazy, not me!).

Every Saturday there will be nine questions – sometimes they will be around a common theme, other times completely random – to be answered however we like.

Upon seeing the ‘theme’ for this week’s Saturday 9 I was immediately reminded of a post I wrote a few months ago:

Elvis Presley…
Look, I get he is universally loved, I get that his music was hugely inspirational, I get that for some reason people enjoy dressing up in white jump suits and going uhhhuhuh in a deep voice, but I just don’t like him. I’m not a fan of his music, I don’t like his movies (bar a couple of scenes) and the whole Elvis thing in general just annoys me. (from 7 People I Hate)

So I approach today’s Saturday 9 with a pinch of salt after contemplating boycotting it based on my hatred for this annoying man.

Blue Christmas

1) Do you ever suffer the blues during the holidays?

Ohhhhh god yes!

Even though Christmas is still a couple of weeks away my moods are fluctuating rapidly. This week I’ve been hypomanic; spending money as if it grew on trees and thinking of sex 24/7 (not as fun as it sounds!). Based on my experience from previous years, next week will see a sharp drop into a full-on depression that will last until at least the third week of New Year.

Thus, I am stockpiling library DVDs, junk food and anything I can think of that I may need to help me survive the most horrible time of the year.

As I was quoted as saying in the local newspaper last year (yes, I was in the paper!):

[Addy] said if he hadn’t gone to St. Stephen’s lunch he probably would just be sitting in his tent listening to the rain.

Mr Lake said Christmas wasn’t the happiest of times for many people. “The paper at this time of the year is all about presents and celebrations, but you don’t do any of that when you’re alone. It is depressing,”

Obviously I was playing down the severity for the mainstream media consuming masses. In 2007, I spent Christmas self-harming. In 2008, I spent Christmas trying to deal with the fact my girlfriend chose that day to sleep with someone else behind my back. In 2009, I spent Christmas self-harming. In 2010, I spent Christmas self-harming. In 2011, after that lunch, I spent the remainder of the day sitting in my tent listening to the rain whilst, you guessed it, self harming.

For people like me – the lonely, the isolated, the traumatized, the mentally ill, the homeless – Christmas is not a time for cheer and happiness. We don’t get awesome presents, cheeky lingerie or bloated bellies from tonnes of fattening food. We get nothing but constant reminders of the mistakes we made and how society has deemed us unworthy of being happy or having a life.

I hate Christmas and I cannot wait for this horrible time of year to end.

2) More than 18 million visitors have toured Elvis’ home, Graceland. Have you ever been there?

No.

I have however been to a pub in Melbourne called the Grace Darling. For a time it was my home-from-home and I would go there every week for a few whisky’s and music whilst sitting by the fire writing my novella ‘Behind Closed Eyes’ (a present for my then girlfriend who dumped me before I was able to give it to her!)

I am adamant (based on my hatred of Elvis Presley) that this pub is far more worthy of 18 million visitors than Graceland ever will be.

3) Elvis dyed his naturally light brown locks black. Do you dye your hair?

I’ve dyed my hair twice in my life.

Once in 1998 when I was lost to a depressive episode and didn’t want to live anymore. I dyed it black and it looked horrible!

The other time was in 2007, a couple of months after my breakdown when I was locked in a suicidal spiral and convinced that (a) I would be dead soon and (b) I would be losing my hair courtesy of a medical procedure so may as well do something silly with it before this happened. On this occasion I dyed it a dark red and yes, it looked horrible!

4) He also insisted his young girlfriend, Priscilla, dye her hair jet black. If your lover asked you to change your hair, would you?

If he forced her to dye her hair against her will then he was abusing her and I have yet another reason to hate this individual.

No-one should force their lover/partner/friend/anyone into doing something they don’t want to do.

Ever.

5) Elvis served his country at an Army base in Friedberg, Germany. Have you ever been to Germany?

No.

But I have been to Belgium, which is like Germany only with Tintin and waffles.

6) Elvis famously had an affair with Ann-Margret during the filming of Viva Las Vegas. Have you ever indulged in a dalliance with a coworker?

Nothing physical.

I once flirted with a co-worker for a few months when I shouldn’t have done as I was in a relationship at the time. It’s not something I’ve ever been proud of and have stated for over six years I regret my behaviour that year and tried for a long time to make amends.

However, I would like to add that I do not think this deserved me to be emotionally abused to the point of suicide and homelessness, as this flirting was the primary reason given by my friends for me deserving to receive such treatment.

Personally, I don’t think anyone deserves to be abused, especially for something that everyone (including my abuser) does from time to time.

7) Thinking of his movies … Elvis was, by and large, unhappy with his film career and once said, “The only thing worse than watching a bad movie is being in one.” Are you happy with the way your career is going/has gone?

Unhappy with his film career? I can only think of one scene out of all his movies that I like, and that enjoyment stems from something other than Elvis’ presence! His films were, on the whole, awful and I’m glad he’s acknowledged this for those of us unfortunate enough to have seen any of them.

That said, I think it’s a fairly safe bet to say I’m not happy with the way my career has gone. No-one sets out to be a mentally ill, socially isolated homeless man; especially when he’s such a talented, creative, passionate b’tard!

Perhaps one of these days I’ll finally get the chance to show the world what I’m really capable of.

8) Elvis lost “the battle of the bulge” toward end of his life. Are you happy with your weight?

No. I’ve written about that before, and doing it again would make me more depressed. Which wouldn’t be good leading up to Christmas!

9) As a teenager, Elvis worked as an usher at a movie theater. What was your first job?

My first job was as a newspaper delivery boy when I was eleven. It was monumentally boring and I was attacked by more dogs than I care to remember, but there was one kindly elderly lady who would leave me KitKats and Smarties as a reward for delivering her paper each morning :)

Smarties

Mmmmm…Smarties :p

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3 thoughts on “Saturday 9: Blue Christmas

  1. I think everyone flirted at work on time or another, however, these days it might make for a lawsuit, it certainly should not lead to abuse.

    Like

  2. Belgium – don’t forget the chocolate! ;)

    Like

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