All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

{NSFW} 16. Misconceptions and mistreatment

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Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

I read an interesting article today in the NY Times concerning the difficulty in telling partners and friends about your fetish. Something I learned the hard way when, in each of my relationships, I shared my spanking desires. Looking back, however proud I am of my courage, this honesty ultimately contributed to my confusion surrounding this side of my personality.

Being seen as abusive

My first girlfriend decided my desires were abusive. A common misconception when it comes to spanking and the BDSM world, and something I covered earlier in this series. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not abusive, and neither are my spanking desires, for I crave spanking between consenting adults. I do not want to beat someone without their consent, not do I wish to be beaten without my consent. If either of these were to happen then yes, I would be abusive.

This misconception is one of the more difficult aspects of my sexual proclivity, for it is unfortunately shared by far too many people. Related to this is the ‘all people into spanking are broken’ stereotype (reinforced by virtually every mainstream example of the kink, from Fifty Shades to Secretary) which is completely untrue and something I vehemently disagree with.

Being seen as weird/disgusting/repulsive/evil

Aside from being seen as abusive, or having a history of receiving abuse, the other side of being honest about my spanking desires was the insidious insults that were thrown in my direction from people who claimed to love me. Over the years I was (to name but a few) disgusting, weird, broken, repulsive, disgusting, grotesque, perverted and evil.

And by evil I mean Satan eating babies evil and not ‘oooh, you’ve been wicked and need a good spanking’ evil!

Such constant insults borrowed into my fragile self-esteem surrounding this fetish and convinced me I was all of these things; forcing me to bury my fetish in order to fit into my partner and friends’ lives.

Although I am a lot more comfortable with my kink than I was five years ago, mostly courtesy of my friendship with Sammi who worked hard to erode the damage my girlfriends had done, there is a small part of my mind still lingering over these attacking comments.

But the most difficult aspect not linked to external sources and opinions is far too obvious and something many with my fetish have struggled with at some point over the years.

Being unable to sate my desires

We all have desires. Sometimes we crave ice-cream, sometimes a wild night of sweaty, carnal sex. Sometimes we crave our favourite movie, sometimes we just want to go down on someone. Sometimes we crave alcohol, sometimes we crave a blistering, bruising hairbrush spanking…

…or at least I do. But unlike those simpler desires we can fill by taking a trip to the supermarket or asking our partner a question, a blistering, bruising spanking is much much harder to find. Sure, you can take a trip to the supermarket and purchase a wooden hairbrush that would blister your bottom nicely, but asking your partner to beat your ass will often be met with raised eyebrows, venomous insult or never to be seen again disappearances.

To have had these desires burning within me for decades, without a single person on the planet who loves me enough to help me sate them, is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

And given what I’ve had to deal with through my life, that’s saying something!

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