All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Sunday Stealing: Self Image

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This week, we conclude the epic 100 Question meme that began here and continued here and here.

84. Describe the routine of a normal day for you:

I wake up after a couple of hours sleep feeling exhausted, confused and blargh. I switch on the radio to catch up with the day’s news and current affairs and then read my daily websites to explore different stances and opinions on the day’s news and current affairs.

After this I write a few blog posts, only some of which get published, before catching up with antics on the fried gold blogs I follow. After this I usually mosey down the road to wander around doing very little before returning home to cook dinner, listen to the radio, write more blog posts before finally going to bed (usually around 2-3am.)

Following the odd random dream (usually sexually based) and nightmare (occasionally sexually based) I wake up after a couple of hours sleep feeling exhausted, confused and blargh. I switch on the radio to catch up with the news and current affairs and then read my…

85. What is your greatest strength as a person?

As I’ve said previously, I consider my greatest strength to be my ‘inner strength’; the only thing that has driven me through the years of nightmare. If it weren’t for this stubbornness I would have been dead a long, long time ago.

86. What is your greatest weakness?

My erratic moods coupled with social anxiety.

This combination affects my ability to be there for the people I care about (see: Grace in 2008, Kathy in 2007 amongst others), my ability to focus on what I want to do (see: NaNoWriMo 2012, any of my writing projects), keep me from writing emails (see the length of time it takes me to response to emails), prevents me from commenting on websites (see the 12 articles I want to comment on at the moment, but can’t) and generally impacts on every area of my life.

Although I abhor blaming my mental illness for things, especially the first item above, it would be wrong of me to say it wasn’t part of the cause. I hate it, I wish I was able to communicate normally, I’ve never come to terms with it, and only once came close to overcoming it.

87. Are you going to run for President in 2016?

Yes. But I’m not telling you what Presidency I’ll be running for :p

88. Are you generally self-contained?

The last time I checked all my organs were located within my body. So yes, I guess I am self-contained.

However, should I ever find a rogue kidney or spleen lurking under the sofa cushions, I’ll happily redact my answer.

89. Are you generally organized or messy?

Everything external (flat, computer files, objects, paperwork) are generally perfect.

Everything internal (mind, memories, emotions) are generally chaotic and messy.

90. Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at:

Three things I am good at:

1) Creating
2) Cunnilingus
3) Honesty

Also, amongst many others: writing, cooking omelette sandwiches, photography, giving massages (especially backs & buttocks) and empathy.

Three things I am bad at:

1) Talking to other people
2) Writing timely replies to emails.
3) Seeing myself as a decent human being (thanks for the long-term psychological damage, emotionally abusive ex-girlfriend!)

Also, amongst many others: [given I’m trying to think more positively about myself, I refuse to write any more things I’m bad at today!]

91. Do you like your neighbours? Do they like you?

One of my neighbours is an incredibly annoying. If he’s not playing the same Evanesence song incredibly loudly for six hours straight, he’s blasting the sounds of first-person shooter video games through my wall. If he’s not blasting the sounds of first-person video games through my wall, he’s slamming doors left, right and center. If he’s not slamming doors left, right and center he’s leaving his front door open whilst turning his TV up to maximum volume so I can hear every syllable of the show (usually reality TV) perfectly.

He’s not a bad guy, he just doesn’t seem to be able to understand the concept that sound travels.

As for whether they like me? Probably not. But I don’t spend much time communicating with them so they don’t know me very well.
(Note: this is social anxiety, not snobbishness!)

92. Are you different in public then you act among friends?

Given my lack of friends in the real world and my social isolation I’m unable to answer this question. Sorry.

93. What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

To be a: friend, a husband(/defacto partner) and a father, concurrently.

94. Where do you see yourself in 4 years?

I’d be surprised if I wasn’t dead – but then I said the same thing four years ago (and I’m still amazed I’m still alive) – so who knows where I will be in four years. Hopefully in a relationship with an intelligent, gorgeous, inspiring, compassionate, (kinky), woman whilst earning money through writing and creating.

Probably doing exactly the same as in question 84 above.

95. If you could choose, how would you want to leave this world?

Given my current increase of suicidal thoughts as a result of the changes that have been occurring, bipolar mood swings and the continuing belief I’m not a very good human being, I don’t really want to answer this question today. Sorry.

96. If you had only one week to live, what three things would be bumped up on the bucket list?

Item 1, Item 36, Item 100.

Although in all honesty, if I had only one week to live I would dedicate that week to knocking as many items off the list as possible!

97. What is one thing about you that really stands out?

See my answer to (85) above. Also: my honesty, my creativity, my drive to succeed, my butt and my passion (which is immense!)

98. What three words best describe your personality?

Creative. Passionate. Eclectic.

Runner ups: Honest. Kinky. Friggin’ awesome.

99. What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Note: This answer was written, begrudgingly, after collating all comments received over the years from other people:

Worthless. Repulsive. Useless.

Runner ups: Evil. Better off dead. Friggin’ awesome.

100. What advice do you have to give?

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8 thoughts on “Sunday Stealing: Self Image

  1. You know, reading your posts you seem to have had a very challenging journey thus far, but judging by the way you write you have an amazing determination. I respect that. Never give up my friend. Have a great weekend. Oh and track down some classical music and blast it loud and clear. Teach the neighbour a lesson. :-)

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    • It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure! But I do what I can and I’m proud of my strength and determination to keep pushing forwards and realise all the dreams I have bubbling within me. Even if I fail, at least I know I gave everything my best shot :)

      As for the classical music…great idea! Will have to give it a shot :p

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  2. I totally agree with you…if we only have one week to live we had better get busy and try to accomplish all those things on the bucket list. Hope you have a nice Sunday

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    • Absolutely. What if we approached each week as if it were our last? What if every day we took the chances we convince ourselves not to or do the things we tell ourselves are too difficult or just a bit silly? Would we be better or worse off?

      Have a brilliant weekend :)

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  3. Worthless. Repulsive. Useless.

    You can’t really believe this do you.

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    • Unfortunately, part of me does.

      It’s all caught up in the emotional abuse I received and lack of support from friends at the time. As my abuser was constantly throwing her insults, ‘punishment’ and control at me, my friends were siding with her. So with no-one counteracting the abuse and the added pain of victim-blame, her words began to impact on my sense of self. Fast forward five and half years, with all I’ve been through, and they’ve become the foundation of my how I see myself – a change that is all too often a consequence of abuse.

      So although I know it’s completely wrong and utterly irrational, it’s harder to believe that it’s completely wrong and utterly irrational.

      But I’m working on it :)

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  4. Neighbors and noise are always sensitive topics. Shortly after I hit publish on my Sunday Stealing, the sound of a basketball bouncing on pavement began. It was at least fifteen minutes ago and shows no sign of letting up.

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  5. I adore reading your answers!!! Truly!

    Like

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