All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

{NSFW} 10 & 11. Ethics and Hard Limits

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Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

1999

Back in the day there were no such things as blogs, so there were no blog challenges, however there was writing. And after indicating to Miss Beatrix my desire to write a short story she set me the task of writing for two hours a day for each day of the month and send her the output for review once I’d finished.

I did excellently until, on day fifteen, I didn’t. On day sixteen Miss Beatrix contacted me asking where the installment was, wherein I had to admit I hadn’t written anything and had no excuse other than I’d forgotten. The next part of the conversation went like this:

MISS BEATRIX: Are you at home alone, young man? Or are there other people in the house?
ME: I’m alone. My parents are out until at least 9pm.
MISS BEATRIX: You will disconnect your internet and await my telephone call.

I did as I was instructed knowing exactly what would happen when the phone rang. When it finally did ten minutes later Miss Beatrix soundly scolded me and told me that not writing for one day, without a valid reason, was breaking our agreement and as such I would have to be punished – however harsh that seemed.

Cue a three minute, phone monitored self-spanking with the brush I used for such purposes!

As I sit down to write today’s double installment of the 30 Days of Kink challenge, knowing I missed yesterday with no real excuse, I can’t help but recall my tender backside of thirteen years ago.

(Un)Fortunately, I have no Miss Beatrix at present so my bottom is safe, however I do apologise to any kink challenge readers for lapsing in this challenge yesterday. It wasn’t my best day, but there is no excuse.

On the plus side you have a double dose of spank-related shenanigans to amuse you today :p

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

“A hard limit is something that must not be done. Violating a hard limit is often considered just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship.”

My absolute, no discussion, primary hard limits are:

Cutting

Given my history of self-harm some may confuse my own cutting as a desire to engage in this activity with another person. Were I ever to engage in a scene where a Dominant deliberately cuts me knowing it is a hard limit I would never – ever – communicate with that person again under any circumstances.

Any act of cutting would be triggering for me, thus undoing all of the work I have done over the years to control this aspect of my mental health. It is an absolute, no go area, end of discussion.

Anything Anal

I have been honest in the past that I was once raped by another man. Although I have tried to bury this event and erase it from my mind, it has always lurked beneath the surface and any reminders of it have been known to shut me offline for months and or years.

In much the same way as cutting, and the other limits I describe here, it would be far too damaging to my mental health to engage in any anal play of any kind where I am on the receiving end.

I would also add I have never had anal sex. It is not something I have ever had an interest in – nor is it something my girlfriends were ever interested in trying – but giving anal, should my partner desire it, is something I would consider.

Verbal Humiliation

This is a tricky one so I will do my best to explain it. In terms of receiving corporal punishment there will always be an element of verbal humiliation. The scolding that accompanies a spanking would need to have elements of verbal humiliation in order to have the required ‘punishing’ effect. I understand and accept that.

However, I will not accept deliberate emotional abuse and personal insults, which is often a desired aspect of BDSM play. Anyone who has read any of my posts will know I was in an abusive relationship that tore my life apart. Any repeat of this would likely annihilate me for the rest of eternity.

Other hard limits include:

| Asphyxiation | Bestiality | Electricity | Infantilism | Injections | Scat | Watersports |

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Ethics:

1. a system of moral principles
2. the rules of conduct recognized in respect to a particular class of human actions or a particular group, culture, etc.

Given that I’ve lived by a strict moral and ethical code since I was a teenager, I am quite surprised at how difficult I have found this installment of the challenge.

In my mind the ethics of kink are very similar to the ethics of life in general; never do something to someone against their will, do no harm, be honest and open, don’t start something you can’t finish and respect other people’s privacy.

So, to prevent me blocking up and skipping another day, I will tackle this entry using these as the basis:

SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual)

If you were to have sex with someone against their will, you would be raping them.
If you were to beat someone against their will, you would be physically abusing them.
If you were to verbally attack someone against their will, you would be emotionally abusing them.

What prevents the BDSM and fantasy lifestyle from becoming abuse is consent. This aspect is key to all ethics in relation to the kink lifestyle. If someone does not want to do something, you don’t do it. If a safe-word is used, the scene stops. If a hard limit has been declared, you go nowhere near it.

However much I want someone to blister my ass with a hairbrush, I only want to do it with someone I feel safe and comfortable with; someone that I trust, who I have built a relationship with.

Although I had known Sammi only a few hours when I first (playfully) spanked her, the second spanking I gave her came after months of communication via the online world.

Yes, we’d shared our spanking fantasies and dreams, but we’d also shared our desires for employment, life and family. During our online conversations we’d rambled on for hours about our favourite implements, underwear and positions, but we’d also babbled for hours about our favourite movies, books and music. On several occasions I had paddled her, caned her, spanked her and disciplined her in lengthy cyber-sessions, but I’d also spent entire days chatting with her about university work, our life stress and random crap.

So when it came to realizing her dream of a proper, discipline hairbrushing, she trusted me enough to submit her bottom to me – and I trusted her enough not to lay assault charges on me afterwards.

We felt safe together, we decided safe-words and boundaries in advance and everything we did was consensual; an act of mutual trust, respect and friendship. Anything else would have been unethical.

It would have been abuse.

Do no harm

“Giving (or accepting) pain is okay. Marks may be okay, even permanent ones. Temporary disabilities may be okay if complete healing is to be expected. But inflicting permanent harm that diminishes the quality of life or the ability to function in society and to earn a living is not okay.”

from ‘Bound by Love’

However emasculating it is to admit it, my abuser destroyed my ability to function; they cost me my social and support networks, my income, my possessions, my self-worth, self-esteem, mental health and my life. Her actions were completely non-consensual and totally un-kinky. They were the actions of a sociopathic narcissist determined to control and retain power over her victim.

Although the situation was different (her actions were totally un-kink related) the ethics are the same. If you trust someone, if you love someone, you have a duty of care not to inflict permanent psychological (or physical) damage on that person.

When I spanked Sammi in 2008 the marks I left on her posterior lasted nearly a week. She loved them, she took pride in sending me photos of them, after they’d faded and her bottom had returned to normal she wished she could have them back. But we both knew if I’d beaten her ass to a pulp, if I’d drawn blood, if I’d rendered her unable to move or function, no amount of consent is acceptable.

For even when consent is present, you have a duty of care toward that person.

Honesty

How is someone supposed to know my hard limits if I don’t tell them? How is someone supposed to understand my fantasies if I don’t share them? How am I supposed to know what others want if they won’t share?

As with day-to-day life, honesty within kink life is vitally important. In the lead up to Sammi’s spanking I was honest with her; I told her I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do it, I shared my anxiety and nervousness, as she shared hers with me. Throughout the spanking we communicated, after the spanking we talked openly to make sure we were both safe and sound.

Honesty is everything.

Don’t start something you’re not prepared to finish

Before Sammi would agree to me spanking her she wanted to know I would go through with it. Even up to when she first lay over my knee she checked that I would be okay to finish what I started. She didn’t want to spend so much time preparing for the event if I was just going to stop halfway through. Just as before I agreed to spank Sammi I made sure I was stable and confident enough to go through with it.

During our conversations I had shared the incident with Louise where she scolded, put me over her knee and then faux-spanked me; frustrating me to the point of screaming and causing all manner of problems between us for days.

An incident that still frustrates me to this day!

Privacy

After sharing my spanko side with my abuser in 2007 she promptly told several people without my knowledge. This was incredibly humiliating for me and, in my mind, breached the wall of trust I had with her. Why should I share intimate, private, information if she’s just going to broadcast it to the world without my permission?

The same goes for other areas of kink. You don’t reveal personal information your partner has requested remain private, you don’t contact friends or family unless they’ve stated otherwise and you don’t broadcast their desires to the world unless you have express permission to do so.

How would you feel if someone you trusted began blurting your innermost secrets to their (and your) friends? Just imagine how much more humiliating this would be if your secrets were in regard to your desire to be scolded, spanked and punished.

As mentioned above, this installment of the challenge has been the hardest so far. Perhaps because my mood is making writing difficult at present, perhaps because my lack of experience in the area makes me believe I don’t have the ‘right’ to discuss this side of a kink relationship, perhaps because I believe these ethics to be common sense that everyone should understand from their real-life anyway.

Either way, following these ethics is vital when it comes to building trust in a BDSM sense. Without them, the experience will be both detrimental and damaging for all concerned.

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