All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Now, does anyone have any paracetamol?

5 Comments

Well, I survived.

I may be hung-over and hurting, but I survived, which I guess is what’s important.

Yesterday was probably the hardest 11 October for me to get through since the fated 2007 day it commemorated. All day my mind was locked into the pain of that year; of the abuse, the suicide attempts, the illness, the rape and the lack of support from friends and health services.

And yet it didn’t occur to me until this morning, lost in the quagmire of hung-over deadness, why it was so much harder to get through than the last few years. It wasn’t just because it was the fifth anniversary but because the situation I am currently in is so similar to where I was in 2007; living alone in a dingy flat, no-one in real life to turn to for support, the belief that my life will never be better than this and the ongoing, ever-present loneliness that permeates through my life.

Five years and nothing has changed, despite all my best efforts.

I keep feeling I should apologise for my mood this week. For not writing decent blog posts and for filling those I have written with continual mentions of that day. It may look to some that I’m sympathy/pity seeking…but I’m not. I write what’s on my mind – and whether I like it or not – what’s been on my mind these last several days has been that day at the end of that year and the cavalcade of questions that have crippled me over the last half decade.

If I’d been kept in hospital, could the events of the last five years have been avoided? What if someone had believed the abuse, could I have avoided that noose? Would it have been better had I succeeded? What did I do to deserve what happened to me? Will I ever forgive myself? Will I ever be able to move past the pain? Or is this all I have to look forward to? Is this endless punishment all I deserve in life?

I know the answers to some of those questions; I just don’t believe them. It’s an unfortunate bi-product of the abuse, of being repeatedly told you’re the most worthless person to have ever lived, and when no-one is taking your side and telling you otherwise, sooner or later your mind just accepts it.

I’m still feeling mentally numb – something the hang-over isn’t really helping with – but I’m hoping that the worst is over and I’ll be able to return to writing and focusing on what I need to do to keep fighting. It is getting harder, I’ve been honest about that in the past, but until I have nothing left I will keep going.

For now, thank you to everyone for your support this week, it means more than I have words to describe :)

Now, does anyone have any paracetamol?

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5 thoughts on “Now, does anyone have any paracetamol?

  1. Stay strong and true to yourself. I’m sorry yesterday was so painful and hope today is a bit more on the brighter side. I admire your strength and courage to share your experiences. Keep fighting and don’t give up on hope.

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  2. I know from similar experience to the one you share, that although it does seem so dark at times and it feel’s as though the what if’s and the if only’s are eating away at you from your soul outwards, things don’t stay anywhere near as bad as you are thinking they will, in the past half a decade look at the things you have achieved, so what you live in a dingy flat, but you have a roof that you have kept over your head up to date, you have come this far, and in all honesty no that pain never fades, those scars never do go away, we just learn how to live along side them, we learn that there are no answers for all the but what if’s and if I had of done this or that differently.
    What is simply is, what you have endured and been through is a torture that nobody deserves to go through, a violation of your very being, no words I have to say to you will take away what has been, all I can do is tell you that although your feeling so very isolated right now, your not alone, and no sorry I have run out of Pandol or I would gladly hand them to you, ((hugs)) Angel

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  3. you are a brave person. you are a survivor. people like you are examples to those who shatter to pieces after being mauled by these two legged dogs.

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  4. Don’t ever feel you hvave to apologise for your mood here. People choose to read your blog because they want to know your mood. And even if they dont’ read for that reason, still don’t apologise for your mood. Anniversaries are hard on us, no matter what they signify. Sometimes the best thing is when they’re over and somehow we can get up and keep walking, maybe a little lighter this time.

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  5. Keep writing about it. You have a solid, writerly voice even when writing about such an ugly and intimate topic. No need to apologize for your mood. Spew it! Vent it! Purge it! Some of what you write will be just for you; some for us … you’ll know which is which. Both are healthy! I worked through some of my ‘stuff’ with the worst poetry I’ve ever written. I’ve never shared it. I still read it from time to time. After all these decades the feelings of those dismal days, weeks and years still erupt when I do read it, but they no longer haunt me. One day when I have the courage, I will burn it. Thinking of you

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