All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Sunday Stealing: How long have you got?

Leave a comment

Sunday Stealing originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes.

This week, we have the final part of a three-part meme. (You can can find part one here and part two here!)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?

I’ve had numerous nicknames throughout my long and varied lifetimes. When I was at primary school, they consisted mainly of insults: Fatso, Fatty, Blubberbutt, Four Eyes and Recorder Girl. In secondary school, I became: Haggis (a reference to my Scottish accent) and then Zakey (I don’t know), Mad Zakey (because I was apparently insane), Captain N, The Gamesmaster (because I was a video game geek) and Brainiac (a reference to the fact people thought I was too intelligent, not the Kryptonian Brain InterActive Construct).

Between leaving secondary school and emigrating to Melbourne I don’t remember anyone loving me (or hating me) enough to bestow a nickname on me until 2006. My first girlfriend was never one for ‘pet names’ but my second girlfriend began referring to me as Addy because Andy sounded ‘wanky’ and sometimes Andrew was just too long. It was the first time in my life I’d been given a nickname out of affection rather than insult and even though it was from she who ultimately abused me to annihilation, the nickname has stuck.

Over the years I’ve given myself numerous online nicknames, including: werepez, silent_gwyllion, sleepylizard, straythoughts, naughtyaddy and Otmuawcope (Officially the most useless and worthless c**t on planet earth; needless to say this was after my emotionally abusive relationship and it’s rarely used these days!)

42. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?

I do not drive. If I did drive, it would be a motorcycle, with a side car.

43. BEST DATE YOU’VE EVER BEEN ON? (IF MARRIED, before your present spouse)

Three immediately come to mind:

1. My first “date” with Louise; when we went to a fancy restaurant, spent the whole evening flirting and then returned home for…well, you all have imaginations, so perhaps now’s the time to start exercising them!
2. My first with Kathy; Kenny, cuddles and nerve-wracking first kisses.
3. A day I spent with Kathy on Sandringham beach, followed by a sunset on Brighton Beach, followed by fish and chips in St Kilda, followed by us making love for the first time. One of the happiest and most beautiful days of my life.

44. WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Water (that tasted a bit salty) came out of my eyes. I made some weird gasping, wailing noises that were altogether embarrassing and (at times) disturbing and had an overwhelming need for a hug.

But instead I sat on the floor until I could cry no longer and then ate ice-cream whilst watching Spider-Man 3.

45. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB? WHAT WAS THE JOB?

Many years ago I was working in a backpacker hostel in Melbourne. Although I loved the job and was immensely passionate about the hostel and its staff, I was undervalued, woefully underpaid and treated appalling by head office. Throughout the years year I regularly worked 60-80 weeks (no overtime) and more double shifts than I could shake a stick at.

The most memorable being when I started work at 7am and worked through til 7pm. Upon finding out the night porter was unable to come in I had a short break before returning at 11pm to work through until 7:30am whereupon I immediately opened reception and continued working until 7pm. Four hours break in 36 hours is seriously (seriously) not enough!

46. FAVORITE MOVIE?

I abhor this question on a base level. It’s not conceivably possible for me to choose one out of the millions of films I’ve watched throughout my life, no true cinephile could. However: Fight Club, It’s a Wonderful Life, Local Hero, Say Anything and Twelve Angry Men are all magnificent, as are all those listed here and in the list of movies that have defined my life.

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SANG IN PUBLIC? WHAT DID YOU SING?

I used to sing drunkenly in public with unashamed abandon, but these days not so much. The last time I terrified people with my atrocious singing voice was with a drunken rendition of Pulp’s Common People when I was in Glasgow with Sammi.

48. WHAT WAS YOUR LAST FIGHT ABOUT?

I had a fight with one of my hallucinations at 2am this morning. It was about one of my regrets.

49. WHAT STUFF DO YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT?

Keys. Clothes. Wallet. Soap.

50. FAVORITE ITEM OF TECHNOLOGY?

Rice cooker; I couldn’t live without one.

51. FAVORITE WEB SITE?

I mentioned several of my current favourite blogs here and I’ll throw in Mind of Mine, You are Doing That Wrong and Broken Light.

As for websites – as opposed to blogs – my love for the trifecta of Mamamia, The Drum and The Conversation is well-known.

And I shall avoid listing the naughty sites I adore, however tempted I may be to throw them out there :p

52. DO YOU SMOKE?

It is one of three principal crutches I use to control my mental illness(es), so yes, I do. From as far back as I can remember you can tell  my mood based on how much I’m smoking. For example, if I’m not smoking anything, I’m the frigging definition of awesomeness. Whilst if I’m chain-smoking my way to an early grave, I’m severly depressed and borderline suicidal.

Funny how no-one ever worked this out, it’s not exactly complicated.

53. IN YOUR EXPERIENCE, HAVE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORKED?

I thought they did.

During the long-distance chapter of my relationship with Louise we would contact each other regularly. Phone calls, letters and the occasional present. Also, I would arrange random ‘cyber-dates’ for us to enjoy (e.g. I found an online tour of Monet’s garden which we went for a stroll through whilst chatting) as well as other odds and ends to keep us intimate and connected.

Unfortunately, whilst I was trying to keep our relationship alive, she had begun a relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I found out later that during some of the conversations and ‘dates’ we’d been on, he had been a third wheel sitting in her flat waiting for us to finish so he could have his way with the woman I loved.

So maybe they don’t work and I was just being a gullible fool.

54. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?

I think there is an element of truth to it, but I dislike how true-believers revert everyone to base stereotypes (i.e all Scorpios are like this, all Librans act like that) and then use these stereotypes to decide the people they have in their life. To me, individuals are just that, individual, and pigeon holing people based on their star-sign is simply another way to tag someone with yet another stereotypical label.

55. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO CALLED YOU?

My dad, on Friday, after seeing the post about my benefit troubles.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED?

Centrelink, on Friday, after I had spent all day resolving my benefit troubles. Four text messages in two seconds, a little excessive if you ask me!

57. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?

The only pair of jeans I own, a red shirt, green boxers, black socks. Nothing exciting or special, I’m afraid; clothes are way out of my budget!

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?

Winter. It always has been and always will be.

59. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?

I love the crispness in the air, the bite in the wind, the fact you can snuggle with your lover in front of a log fire before performing all sorts of naughty to warm each other up. I love the short days and the long nights. I love the rain and the snow. I love the wind. I love Christmas…but then, I haven’t had a winter Christmas for ten years now!

60. DO YOU THINK WTIT IS COOL OR OVERRATED?

I’d side on the cool camp.

61. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?

Yesterday, I paid rent, walked around town for approximately twenty-seven minutes before retreating home to suffer through a litany of panic, anxiety, bad memories, writers block and other annoying, crappy mental health stuff I have to endure from time to time.

Today, I’m going to try to write a blog post, reply to comments and hope all that haunted me yesterday decide not to bother today as I don’t feel like another day of unfocused panic and anxiety. But we shall see. Also, eat something, because I haven’t eaten anything for days.

62. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE?

Friend. Husband. Father. It’s all I’ve ever really wanted to be. Sure, writer, film-maker and photographer are things I would like to do with my life, but these three things (that most take for granted) have been my dream for as long as I can remember.

63. WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST REGRET?

How long have you got?

Allowing my anxiety to rule my A-Level choices; being too shy to ask Kathryn out on a date in High School; bottling out of my planned meeting with Miss Beatrix; Annie; choosing love over education in 2001; allowing my mental health to rule my decision-making powers in 2006; not being strong enough to stop the emotional abusive; or the sexual-assault in 2007; not understanding how unstable I was when I tried to return to ‘life’ in 2008 and watching the Halle Berry starring Catwoman in its entirety, are all things that come to mind.

But my biggest regret would be a toss-up between: not doing enough to help Steph, coming to Australia in 2002 (I should have gone to Canada) and not being there for Grace in 2008. All are things I’ve never forgiven myself for and, no matter what anyone says, don’t think I ever will.

64. ARE YOU SMILING? WHY?

No; see (61) above.

65. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD IT BE?

Excuse the self-promotion, but I answered this question in my 4 places I would like to visit post on Thursday.

66. DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?

I do not. Music is not something I’ve ever really had a talent for – aside from the recorder, but who can’t play the recorder.

67. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE IN PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?

Yes. I’ve been missing Sammi a lot this week, partly because of my Fifty Shades of Addy post, partly because she’s just crept back into my mind. There are also other people I would love to see again and most readers of the blog would know who these people are. Two have, once again, been mentioned in this post.

68. LAST THING YOU WATCHED ON YOUTUBE?

When I was writing my language post yesterday I couldn’t help but think of this scene (Yes, Niles, that’s just what we need, a fourth language!) so I had to track it down to give it a watch.

69. WHY DIDN”T YOU DECIDED TO TAKE OVER STEALING?

However much I was tempted to, my fluctuating moods and inconsistent internet access convinced me it was not a good idea. Perhaps if I was more stable I would have done, but I’d rather it be taken over by someone who can give it the time, love and affection it deserves :)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s