All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

20 Dreams I have…

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The abject failure of my 365 Day Challenge is a perfect example of biting off more than I can chew.

Given my moods are cycling rapidly, sleep has become something of legend and my loneliness has never felt more suffocating, the urge to run from this blog is strong. I know if I stop writing things will only get worse, so I’m trying to push on regardless.

Whilst browsing the internet the other night I came upon a wonderful blog called The Bipolar Place written by bpshielsy; the writing is wonderful, the content inspiring and the fact his name contains my favourite Loch is probably only relevant to me, but you really should swing by and take a look.

Some of his posts form a twenty day challenge that I’ve decided to undertake myself (i.e. steal). The hope being that I will be able to complete this much shorter challenge, and at the end of it, be in a more stable mindset to keep going in all areas of life.

For Day One, we look at some of my hopes, aspirations and dreams.

20 Dreams I Have

1) To get my social anxiety under control so I can actually function as a human being.

2) Go on a date with Karen Gillan. What? She might have a fetish for kinky homeless people!

3) All I’ve ever wanted in my life is something most people take for granted; to be called a friend, a husband and a father.

4) To see a multi-Doctor story in celebration of Doctor Who‘s 50th Anniversary next year.

5) To be able to get through one day without flagellating myself for something I did in 2008. My self-hate is exhausting and destructive.

6)  I want to visit Uluru. No. I need to visit Uluru!

7) Achieve item 1 from my bucket list.

8) To meet my nephew.

9) Each day I am constantly hovering over the abyss; I would love to be able to focus on living instead of surviving.

10) To live to see the day where abuse against males is taken seriously in society.

11) To be able to walk into a cinema and watch a movie version of Chuck.

12) Go to university – even though I no longer believe it will happen as I fear I’m too far gone.

13) To be able to re-read any post I’ve written on this blog and actually like it.

14) Summon the confidence to publish the post I’ve had written for two weeks but still can’t bring myself to click the big blue button.

15) To see a world where homelessness is a thing of the past.

16) Karaoke Paradise by the Dashboard Light as a duet.

17) See my sister receive the mental health treatment she needs.

18) To be hugged again (as it’s been so long I’ve literally forgotten what it feels like!)

19) To know what I did to deserve the abuse I received in 2007.

20) To forgive myself.

The problem that I have with writing about my dreams is that even though I know what I want to do, where I want to go and how I’d like my life to be, the lack of support for my MH issues coupled with the doubler header of complete isolation and homelessness, makes me believe I’ll never achieve any of them. It’s frustrating, annoying, depressing, exhausting and makes me feel like a complete failure.

But until I’m dead, I’ll keep trying to find a way to realise them.

Now. Does anyone have Ms. Gillan’s email address?

Tomorrow: 19 quotes I love…


One thought on “20 Dreams I have…

  1. Thanks for the shout out Addy.

    Good luck achieving your dreams & keep trying.

    Sorry Karen’s not on my email list :)


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