All that I am, all that I ever was…

I am more than my mental health. I am more than my homelessness. I am more than any one aspect of me. I am Addy. And this is…

Sunday Stealing: The 88 Meme (Part 2)

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Sunday Stealing originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes.

Last week I tackled the first 68 questions of this epic meme, today, we have the last twenty questions. So when you’re sitting comfortably, you may begin.

The 88 Meme (Part 2)

69. Song you’re thinking of right now?

Thin Blue Flame by Josh Ritter, one of my favourite songs of all time. If you don’t know it I suggest watching the video below :)

70. Want someone back in your life?

Absolutely. Putting aside Rachel, Stephanie and Samantha, I can think of three people who I would walk naked over fiery coals in the middle of Federation Square whilst being pelted with rotten tomatoes (and the occasional poisoned arrow) if it meant getting them back in my life.

71. Will tomorrow be better than today?

I bloody hope so! This week has been somewhat rough in terms of mood, memory and triggers. I need things to get better, soon.

72. What’s the color of the underwear you are wearing?

Red. I like red underwear.

73. Who was the first best friend that you ever had?

The first best friend I had was Louise, my first girlfriend. Discounting that sexual relationship it would have been Kathy, who turned out to be an abusive sociopathic narcissist. Other than those two I’ve only had one best friend where my feelings were purely platonic but I screwed up.

Now, there’s just me.

74. How do you react when someone disappoints you?

Disappointed, obviously, but after that initial emotional hit I’d give them the benefit of the doubt as we all make mistakes. After several chances, I may be less forgiving, but depending on how I felt about them and what they meant to me, forgiveness would always feature.

But that’s just who I am.

75. Is there anyone who understands your sexuality?

Throughout my thirty-three years I’ve only ever encountered one person who understood my sexuality. After years of being stereotyped, misjudged, insulted, accused and humiliated; after years of being forced to ‘fix myself’, ‘cleanse the disgusting urges from my soul’ and labelled ‘pure evil’ over my less-than-normal desires, I met a woman named Samantha.

After a somewhat random first night in Adelaide we developed a cyber-friendship that involved several email exchanges about the hows, whys and wherefores of my impulses and – unlike other people I had opened up to about this – she aimed questions rather than critisisms, offered understanding rather than ultimatums and accepted that this part of me was merely that. A single aspect of my personality rather than a definition of it.

I’ve only begun telling the tale of my short-but-beautiful friendship with Samantha but without her I’d still despise this part of my being.

love project 2

76. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?

Given I suffered from various mental illnesses from my teenage years I have come to understand that happiness is never happiness when it’s forced, it is merely someone pretending to be happy for the benefit of others which usually means they’re making themselves sadder.

I would much rather someone allow themselves to feel whatever they’re feeling without feeling that they have to manufacture their feelings for the sake of other people’s feelings. And yes, I’m going for the world record of how many times I can write feelings in one paragraph, hence my lack of synonyms :p

As for myself, I think I am a happy person, but most people see the depression and/or anxiety and think I’m not. They don’t realise that just because I’m not smiling all the time doesn’t mean I’m not happy. You can be happy within yourself without looking like the Cheshire Cat. My abuser used to make all manner of wild, unfounded conclusions based on her inability to understand this.

77. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?

Yes; Karen Gillan, Vanessa Hudgens, Helen Mirren, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Carey Mulligan…but, okay, it’s highly unlikely any of them ever will, but I can still dream of cooking Karen Gillan breakfast in bed before giving her a massage, can’t I?

As for people in real life, well, there weren’t many around last time I checked – damn you social anxiety – but there are people I crush on.

78. What do you wear when you sleep?

Usually pyjamas. Sometimes I wake up naked completely unaware of removing them. Other times I just wear whatever I fancy.

79. Are you obsessed with something right now?

I’m always obsessed with something, a little OCD here, a little there, just another part of my personality I have little control over.

80. The first person you loved is?

Louise. Who I’ve talked about many times before, most recently, an unsent letter.

81. Something terrible happened to you?

Pick a page of this blog, any page…I’ve had far too many terrible things happen to me. Some were my fault. Other weren’t. Kinda over it.

82. You are locked up with your celebrity crush for days, what happens?

Seriously? How R-rated do you want me to get?

If I was locked up with Karen Gillan the first thing I’d want to do is talk about Inverness. Not only would this take our minds off of our imprisonment but would serve as a lead in to clumsy flirtatious gestures and possible sexual shenanigans just to pass the time. If said flirtation failed, I would just ask her all sorts of questions to get to know her as a person in the hope a friendship could develop, for who wouldn’t want to be friends with Karen Gillan?

83. If you could wish something, what would it be?

To no longer be alone. It’s killing me. Or less selfishly, the end to all forms of discrimination.

84. Ever try to force someone to do something?

No. You should never force anyone to do something they don’t want to do.

85. When you are alone, what do you think about?

Pick a page of this blog, any page…I’m alone all the time so what I think gets written here. Some of it pretty, some of it poignant.

Most of it is random, obscure, self-loathing, unpredictable and strangely enjoyable.

86. How was your first sex?

Beautiful. Seriously, it was. I lost my virginity in the early hours of the 1 January 2001 (officially the new millennium) to a wonderful woman on an island that is my favourite place in Scotland. Couldn’t ask for anything more.

87. What’s your favorite music genre?

If I had to pick a genre it would be folk/rock, but my musical taste is so eclectic I rarely if ever think of the genre.

88. Are you happy I only wrote 88 questions?

Yep. Although I’m curious if you’d be able to come up with 888 questions, care to take up the challenge?


One thought on “Sunday Stealing: The 88 Meme (Part 2)

  1. Thanks for putting the link tot he Google Map.
    It’s a long way from here.

    Have a great rest of your weekend!


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